Bridal Shower etiquette help

MNSpooner

Hello,
I am posting this as a concerned and torn fiancé, as the shower planning has taken a couple of weird turns. My fiancé is stressed about it and here is why- Her Mom. Matron of Honor, Aunt (who she is close to), and Cousin (bridesmaid) have no money to contribute to a shower (for various reasons). This makes my fiancé want to scale down her expectations and basically give her Matron of Honor money to be able to afford any type of shower. My Mom and Sister (also a bridesmaid) would like to pay for the shower because they appreciate and understand that other people have financial constraints that prevent them from doing so. I have read lots of websites about proper shower "etiquette", and I can find examples of many ways that showers are handled, even by the Mother of the groom. My question/point of concern is how does my family go about this and not offend or overstep her family or Matron of Honor?

rebarobert2012

While your fiance's heart is definitely in the right place, I don't think that she should offer to contribute financially to the shower.  The shower is a gift to the bride, and the host may be insulted if your fiance wants to pay for her own shower.

I think that your mom and sister could speak to the MOH and ask her if she would like help with the shower.  If she declines, they can always throw her a shower of their own.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-shower-etiquette-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:37300738-fa71-49fb-9d56-c088888b79acPost:d3b9babe-bd5a-425e-9a39-0d25dde5856f">Re: Bridal Shower etiquette help</a>:
[QUOTE]While your fiance's heart is definitely in the right place, I don't think that she should offer to contribute financially to the shower.  The shower is a gift to the bride, and the host may be insulted if your fiance wants to pay for her own shower. I think that your mom and sister could speak to the MOH and ask her if she would like help with the shower.  If she declines, they can always throw her a shower of their own.
Posted by rebarobert2012[/QUOTE]

This.  And also, ditto Edie - if the people who originally intended to host can't, then so be it.  Your mom and sister could definitely step up.  Nothing says a person has to have just one shower thrown by a particular person.

Meegles4

Your mom and sister can throw the shower. If you feel her mom will be upset/hurt, perhaps they could co-host. In that case, your mom could approach her mom and ask to co-host. That would perhaps take some of the financial weight off of her mother, but not make her feel like she's being left out.

Then again, perhaps her mom would prefer to just host a small shower with her immediate family or something. In that case, your mom could offer to host a shower for your family, family and friends, etc. and your FI could have 2 showers.
Your FI should try to stay out of it as much as possible, because it's really not proper etiquette to be planning or paying for your own shower. If your mom is interested/willing to host something, I'd tell her to proceed and perhaps talk to her mom on the side away from your FI about co-hosting.

mollyehren

Showers don't have to be costly. Have whatever people that are throwing the shower (anybody but the bride can do this) bring over an appetizer or two, have it in someones home, play some games, chitchat and open gifts. If a few people work together it shouldn't cost more than $20 a piece. Bride needs to realize like all gifts, it is the thought that counts.

skippylouwho

There can be more than one shower and more than one type of shower. Showers can be hosted by anoyone OTHER THAN the MOTHER of the BRIDE.

Her family can throw a shower for just immediate family. Someone else - your family or other friends - can throw a shower where more people are invited.  The shower by her family can be  simple cake/punch shower while the shower thrown by your family/friends can be more elaborate. 

And also - there is no guarantee of any shower, some people don't have or don't get to have showers and that can be for a variety of reasons. Some people don't have anyone who can or will host a shower and others simply don't want them.

specialk84

My MOH didn't throw me a shower. H's cousin did, with some help from my mom. It was not expensive, either.

It was held in H's cousin's house, with food she made and a cake my mother brought. She had some prizes for games, and I bet they all totalled $30. 

It was a small, low-key event, and we all had a blast.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You mom can certainly offer to host a shower. Many people have more than one shower, also. She should put the offer out there, and then discuss whether or not to invite people only from your side/friends, or if she wants to invite all of the people who the bride wants at a shower.

I think your fiancée can say, "Hey mom/sister/MOH? FI's mom has offered to throw me a shower! Isn't that great? We're working on the guest list, and she wants to know if she should invite people only from her side, or if you want our family to be included.

This will give all of them an out. If they don't have the finances to host a shower, they can have their guests added to your mom's list, and then they won't have to host. If they DO want to host a shower, the guest list is now smaller since it will only be people from the bride's side of the family.

lopezalonso

I agree that your mom should first talk to her mom and ask her how she feels about either throwing your FI a shower together or throwing her one herself. As long as your mom presents it in a way that conveys she is excited and wants to throw a shower out of love then I don't see why your FI's mom would be upset as long as she was talked to first.

Also, as PPs have mentioned. Showers don't have to be expensive. It doesn't have to be in a restaurant; it can be in someone's home.

Viczaesar

Well, it's not the MOH's job to throw a shower, nor is it the bride's family's job.  Anyone can throw a shower, other than the bride and groom, but nobody has to.  If your mother would like to throw the shower, she should approach your fiancee and make the offer.  Your fiancee should not be involved in planning or funding her own shower.  What she can do is provide a guest list if asked for one.  She can also choose to take your mother up on her offer of a shower, or she can choose to decline the offer.