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Hysterical: Long

This is going to be a novel. I appologize, but I really don't know what to do.

CN: DH's parents are "embarrassed" about various parts of our wedding and won't let it die. We cannot carry on a normal conversation, and DH is getting ready to drive 2 hours to their house to "end it."

DH's parents are making us very upset. They keep complaining about the wedding, and we can't even have a conversation without it returning to how upset they are and them hanging up on DH. I haven't even attempted to talk to them.

Their first problem was with my dad's band. They keep saying it was too loud, and no one could talk. If I had thought it was too loud when I got there, I would have asked them to turn it down. It's a live band in a closed space, and a certain volume is to be expected. They didn't rock out during dinner; they played Sinatra and stuff.  They said they asked my parents to "turn it down" several times. (If you know how to "turn down" a live acoustic 10 piece band, please let me know. Cuz I sure as hell don't know how.) So they're pissed at my parents for "ignoring them." I told DH to tell them to talk to my parents if they had a problem, because I'm not being a go between for their bitch sessions.

Second problem is that they think we were late. We kinda were - by 5 minutes. I even gave them a day of schedule that said we had a cocktail time. It wasn't even an hour; it was a half hour! But they're ignoring that and keep insisting we were late and are rude. Also, since DH's grandparents were sick and couldn't come, we drove to their house 20  minutes away to visit and get our picture taken with them. Upon FMIL's insistence. Maybe this is why we were 5 minutes late?

Another reason we're rude is that we weren't there BEFORE our guests to greet them as they came into the reception. WTF? How were we going to get there before the guests when we were the last ones out the church doors? Were we supposed to Apparate? How many people really do that? Maybe back in 1974 when the reception was in the church basement like them, but not many today. We did a receiving line at the church. We tried to mingle as best we could at the reception. People, including DH's aunts and uncles, left before we even finished dinner and didn't come to the church. How the hell were were supposed to greet them? And all FILs say is that they left because the music was too loud. UGGHHHHH! It's not our fault they didn't come to see the wedding, WHICH IS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE DAY, and therefore weren't there for the receiving line.

FIL criticized my dad directly to me. My dad and I have a rocky relationship and an even rockier past. But he did a very sweet thing and actually sang to me while we did our father-daughter dance. I thought it was very lovely and a wonderful gesture. FIL told me how he couldn't believe my dad did that with our relationship and that it was fake. Who is he to say something like that? I may not always like my dad, but I love him.

The list goes on. I can't even remember all the reasons we're rude. And that they're embarrassed. And that we're bad people. But DH has tried to explain everything to them very patiently. Every time, they hang up the phone. He even wrote out a letter (that I told him not to send or it would be WWIII) and tried to read it to them. They just interrupt and argue and then hang up. I haven't spoken to them since FIL said what he did. My parents think FIL's hate them (which they kinda do) because of all this and several other things that went on (like MIL not coming to the rehearsal dinner SHE planned, IL's not coming to the rehearsal, IL's leaving the reception 2 hours before it was over and taking all the favors before guests got them)

DH can't have a conversation with them without them bringing it up and escalating. So now, he wants to drive 2 hours out there tonight to talk to them. I know it's going to be a shouting match and he'll get upset and try to drive home pissed off. Which is bad. But they won't even talk to us about visiting for Christmas. I know it's my fault for letting them, but they are seriously upsetting me. I can't even think about our wedding day without it being marred by all this fighting. I had such a great time, and I really think most other people did too. But now I just can't shake the feeling that people are upset and just not telling us. Or that they didn't have a good time. I know I'm being irrational. I just don't know what to do to fix this.

I'm sorry that was so long. :(
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Re: Hysterical: Long

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    Oh sweetheart, that really sucks.


    Your day looked beautiful, and honestly, his parents need to realise that it was not their wedding. It doesn't have to make them happy- as long as it makes their son happy. Honestly, at this point, I would not be reinforcing their feelings by trying to explain anything- you do not owe them explanations or apologies. I would simply let them know that you're moving on, and you hope they can, too, because you don't want their disappointment at a day that you loved to impact on the future relationship between themselves and you two. You don't need their approval, so as frustrating as it is, I would do my best to let it all go and move forward.

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    I'm so sorry you're going through this drama and I can relate. Our wedding day was perfect in our eyes, but after the fact, MIL found the most inconsequential things to complain about.

    FWIW there's nothing you can do about their attitude - it's all them, not you. You can explain things till you're blue in the face and they'll still find something wrong. They're not being rational and will not listen to or comprehend your rational explanations.

    At first, we tried to counter her negativity by talking about something else positive about the wedding and dismissing the negative. "Oh, was there a baby crying during the ceremony? We didn't even notice, we were so thrilled with the choir!" When it continued, H finally told her, "Look mom, it was SUCH a wonderful day, and all you can remember is that your hair was flat?" It helped us that she was the only that felt that way though; FIL loved everything about the wedding.

    I wouldn't suggest making the trip to talk to them about it; they'll just be more negative and you'll just be more frustrated. Try not to let this push your buttons - act like you had no problem with anything that happened and that all of your other guests are constantly raving about your wedding. They'll stop once they stop getting a response from you.
    image
    Baby Birthday Ticker
    Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
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    Oh Bel how awful!

    As frustrating as it is, I think your DH may need the opposite approach with a subject change.

    "Oh was it loud?  The other guests didn't seem to notice.  So what's new?


    And if they continue, there's no need to defend or re-hash.  Just say, "I'm sorry if you didn't have a great time but this isn't a topic that's open for discussion anymore."

    And then change the subject.

    Rather than prove to them that what they say is going to make you go out of your way to defend yourselves, instead do the opposite. 

    One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

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    Wow....that sounds really really bad.  Whoever said it before was right....they would have found something to bitch at.

    I don't know what to say.  The letter may not be well received but at least he can have his houghts rationally put on paper, and maaaaybe one day they will read it and feel bad.

    I am also not above guilt trips. I may let it be known that a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days in my life is being tainted and the memories are being ruined by all the hostility, anger and fighting, and it is not fair to you or your husband.
    BabyFruit Ticker
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