Asking why an invited guest declines?

miranda holly

In all the planning and months leading up to the wedding, many people have said "we can't wait to be there", "we'll be there for sure", etc.  People who have said they would 100% be there have sent in their RSVP with a decline. 

Now, some of these people I see on a regular basis, and they didn't bother to mention to us that they rsvp'd decline.  One couple we saw the day after the rsvp was sent back (according to post marks), and didn't mention sending it.  My question is, is it horribly rude to ask why people declined when through all the planning they have said they would be there?  And if it's not horribly rude, how would you go about asking?

I just assumed that people who said they would be there, would be.  I understand things come up, like travel arrangements, babysitters, etc, but if it was me, I would speak with my friend directly to say why I coulnd't be there.  Not just send an RSVP with a decline, and no explination after months of "accepting".

Kristin789

Yes, I would want to know.  But I don't know what I'd do about it.  I guess I'd talk to someone close to that couple, and have that someone ask the couple about it.

Simply Fated

"My question is, is it horribly rude to ask why people declined when through all the planning they have said they would be there?" Yes It's simply not your business why someone can't attend or chose not to attend. If you want, bring it up to them if you happen to see them in passing, "I recieved your RSVP decline and fiance and I are so disappointed you won't be there." If they offer up a reason then great! If not, let it go.

AroundTheBlock

If guests reply in a formal hand-written note instead of just sending back the mass-printed paperwork, then they are supposed to provide an excuse. "Miss Smith // regrets to decline the kind invitation of // Ms Bride // due to a prior engagement" (or due to illness; or due to inability to travel; or in these latter days, due to professional obligations.) With a proper formal hand-written note of regrets, leaving off the excuse is a snub and indicates a desire to cool or terminate the friendship.

But, if you have already sent your guests pre-printed reply stationery with check-boxes and blanks to be filled in; then you have implied (in addition to implying that they cannot be trusted to write a hand-written note on their own stationery) that all the information you care about is what fits in the check-boxes and blanks.

While it will seem controlling and self-centered to demand an excuse from guests who decline, you can always open the conversation by saying how much they "will be missed. I hope there is nothing wrong?"

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-why-an-invited-guest-declines?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:388e397b-1474-4f5c-a8f0-13be06cb0640Post:b40c9f1a-6af9-4b1d-afd9-9124696372dc">Re: Asking why an invited guest declines?</a>:
[QUOTE]If guests reply in a formal hand-written note instead of just sending back the mass-printed paperwork, <strong>then they are supposed to provide an excuse.</strong> "Miss Smith // regrets to decline the kind invitation of // Ms Bride // due to a prior engagement" (or due to illness; or due to inability to travel; or in these latter days, due to professional obligations.) With a proper formal hand-written note of regrets, leaving off the excuse is a snub and indicates a desire to cool or terminate the friendship. But, if you have already sent your guests pre-printed reply stationery with check-boxes and blanks to be filled in; then you have implied (in addition to implying that they cannot be trusted to write a hand-written note on their own stationery) that all the information you care about is what fits in the check-boxes and blanks. While it will seem controlling and self-centered to demand an excuse from guests who decline, you can always open the conversation by saying how much they "will be missed. I hope there is nothing wrong?"
Posted by AroundTheBlock[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm curious to know where you read this.   Everything I have read says that in hand-written responses, people MAY respond with more information on why they are unable to attend, but that they are under no obligation to say anything more than "We regret that we are unable to attend."   </div><div>
</div><div>For the OP, yes, it's rude to ask why they declined your invitation.  I think it's okay to casually mention that you are sorry they will be unable to join you, but only if you can do it without sounding like you're fishing for more information.  They are under no obligation to tell you why they cannot attend.  It could be for personal reasons like finances, family troubles, work obligations, or that they have accepted another invitation for that day.

</div>

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-why-an-invited-guest-declines?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:388e397b-1474-4f5c-a8f0-13be06cb0640Post:b40c9f1a-6af9-4b1d-afd9-9124696372dc">Re: Asking why an invited guest declines?</a>:
[QUOTE]If guests reply in a formal hand-written note instead of just sending back the mass-printed paperwork, then they are supposed to provide an excuse. "Miss Smith // regrets to decline the kind invitation of // Ms Bride // due to a prior engagement" (or due to illness; or due to inability to travel; or in these latter days, due to professional obligations.) With a proper formal hand-written note of regrets, leaving off the excuse is a snub and indicates a desire to cool or terminate the friendship. But, if you have already sent your guests pre-printed reply stationery with check-boxes and blanks to be filled in; then you have implied (in addition to implying that they cannot be trusted to write a hand-written note on their own stationery) that all the information you care about is what fits in the check-boxes and blanks. While it will seem controlling and self-centered to demand an excuse from guests who decline, you can always open the conversation by saying how much they "will be missed. I hope there is nothing wrong?"
Posted by AroundTheBlock[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is sort of verbatim from Ms. Manners - and while some of her advice is great and is designed to make brides more realistic, most people wouldn't RSVP at all without the little cards, and many would have no idea what to buy without a wedding registry.  Sorry, but she needs to get over it and accept that these things are common place now and couples are not implying anything about their guests when they send them out.

</div>

mlg78

Yes, I think it's rude to ask because it's none of your business.  If you happen to run into them or speak with them you can casually mention, "It's so unfortunate that you aren't able to attend our wedding!" They may offer up the excuse...they may not.  Don't push further because again, it's none of your business.

kmmssg

I agree that asking would be rude.  Other things come up that are of equal importance to your guests.  Their attendance is nice at your wedding but it is their love, friendship, and support that really matter.  I would be far more comforted by that when something very serious is going on in my life than have them at my party.

I know you are disappointed but be that very gracious bride and accept their regrets with no questions asked.  Also, keep in mind that most everyone tells the happy couple "can't wait for the wedding!", "So excited to attend", etc.  When that is done months out they may have no conflicts  but closer to the wedding they do.

JennyR01

In Response to Re:Asking why an invited guest declines?:[QUOTE]My question is, what does it matter? What are you going to do with this information once you have it?

It's not only rude, but also just seems like playing with fire. Are you then going to get upset if their reason isn't "good enough"? Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Exactly this. Don't take it so personally when people decline and you'll be much less stressed.

GoodLuckBear14

Why do you care?  If anyone called demanding to know why I wasn't attending her wedding I would think she was crazy and feel incredibly insulted that she felt I owed her an explanation for her to judge whether it was sufficient.

thejucheidea

It is absolutely rude. There are simply some things that come up that can't be helped, and even if you're friends, it may not be something they want to talk to you about. My mom just had major brain surgery that had been pending for three months, and I didn't even tell many people I'm close to that she was sick because I didn't want them bothering me (or my family) about it.

AddieCake

It's rude to ask. I know from first hand experience. 

I had a guest that I thought beyond the shadow of a doubt would be there, and she wasn't. She blew my wedding off to go camping with her new boyfriend's family (or so I gathered from the FB pictures she was posting that day). I was hurt and angry, and I foolishly drunk texted her that night to say, "I can't believe you blew off my wedding." The next day, I called to apologize for MY behavior and the way I worded that, but our relationship has been very strained. It's been almost a year, and we have only just begun talking a little again. Even if you were more polite than I was in asking, it is still a rude thing to do. It's not your business. 

Summer2011Bride

Please don't ask. That really is none of your business. Sometimes H and I don't attend weddings simply because we can't afford the cost of travel, hotel room, gift (which I know is not required but we personally would not show up empty-handed), time off work, etc. I don't necessarily want to tell someone, "Sorry, we can't afford it right now." Our financial situation is none of their concern.

You can say something like, "We will miss you at the wedding!" and if they volunteer information, fine. But do not ask.

RamonaFlowers

1) It sucks that people declined, but it's none of your business.

2) Based on previous posts, I'm convinced that AroundTheBlock is an AE that Kristin#s likes to roll out when she gets drunk, so I really wouldn't pay her much attention.

/gavel.

bridalmarch

There are 67 people (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins) on ONE side of my family. They are spread out all across the US. If I chased each of them down for a a reply when they declined, I'd never get anything else done. I've never provided a reason for declining a wedding and I've never been asked for one. 

mlg78

In Response to Re:Asking why an invited guest declines?:[QUOTE]It's rude to ask. I know from first hand experience.nbsp;I had a guest that I thought beyond the shadow of a doubt would be there, and she wasn't. She blew my wedding off to go camping with her new boyfriend's family or so I gathered from the FB pictures she was posting that day. I was hurt and angry, and I foolishly drunk texted her that night to say, "I can't believe you blew off my wedding." The next day, I called to apologize for MY behavior and the way I worded that, but our relationship has been very strained. It's been almost a year, and we have only just begun talking a little again. Even if you were more polite than I was in asking, it is still a rude thing to do. It's not your business.nbsp; Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

If you hadn't freaked out and called, do you think you would have still been upset and that would have changed your friendship regardless? I think if I were in your shoes I would have silently been upset she chose camping over my wedding and I would have been upset for quote a while...

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-why-an-invited-guest-declines?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:388e397b-1474-4f5c-a8f0-13be06cb0640Post:644f84f4-cb74-4620-8e3c-a02623708143">Re:Asking why an invited guest declines?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Asking why an invited guest declines?: If you hadn't freaked out and called, do you think you would have still been upset and that would have changed your friendship regardless? I think if I were in your shoes I would have silently been upset she chose camping over my wedding and I would have been upset for quote a while...
Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It definitely would have to a degree, but I think our friendship would be less strained if I had left it alone. She is a lot younger than I am, so I try to keep that in mind. 

<div>I confess I'm still upset about it b/c I think it was a crappy move. I even told her I wish she had at least TOLD me she wasn't coming instead of just not showing up. I was heartbroken when I looked for her at the reception and saw her escort rock still sitting on the escort table, and then when I got drunk later, my anger got the better of me. I wish I had just let it go.</div></div>

Jen4948

It's not a nice or happy discovery to find out that people who have led you to believe will be there for you decline your invitation, but asking can lead to a justifiable curt "It's none of your business" in response.

Don't ask.

RamonaFlowers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-why-an-invited-guest-declines?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:388e397b-1474-4f5c-a8f0-13be06cb0640Post:9950a7f1-71dd-49e3-aed8-78f07fe4f583">Re: Asking why an invited guest declines?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking why an invited guest declines? : Just for the record, I adore you. You always make me laugh. Always.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Aw, thank you! It's nice to know my efforts around here are appreciated <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_asking-why-an-invited-guest-declines?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:388e397b-1474-4f5c-a8f0-13be06cb0640Post:6d9e5287-f58d-4734-a68f-8a9794489dd4">Asking why an invited guest declines?</a>:
[QUOTE]In all the planning and months leading up to the wedding, many people have said "we can't wait to be there", "we'll be there for sure", etc.  People who have said they would 100% be there have sent in their RSVP with a decline.  Now, some of these people I see on a regular basis, and they didn't bother to mention to us that they rsvp'd decline.  One couple we saw the day after the rsvp was sent back (according to post marks), and didn't mention sending it.  My question is, is it horribly rude to ask why people declined when through all the planning they have said they would be there?  And if it's not horribly rude, how would you go about asking? I just assumed that people who said they would be there, would be.  I understand things come up, like travel arrangements, babysitters, etc, but if it was me, I would speak with my friend directly to say why I coulnd't be there.  Not just send an RSVP with a decline, and no explination after months of "accepting".
Posted by miranda holly[/QUOTE]

I probably wouldn't ask because if they don't have a "good" reason, they will just lie anyway. It will be frustrating to you and probab lead to uncomfortable moments.

More the probblem, is that hjaving the conversation might lead them to say to you "oh, we ARE coming..sorry about the confusion" and then no-show after costing you money because they didn't have guts to tell you the truth straight up



I Definitely feel your pain, though. I have a friend who has been telling me for months she is coming for sure and went into details..now I see on a  public FB post to someone ELSE she might not be coming when all along she has been telling me she is a definite.

miranda holly

Thanks everyone!  It's not really that it matters so much as to why they can't come (I realize it's none of my business), I was more wondering how someone can go from months of saying "we'll be there" to a written decline.  I guess I did take it personally, as I want to spend the day celebrating with my closest friends.  

Oh well, I just enjoy the day with the people that are there, and miss the ones that can't be there.  Thanks again for the advice.