Engagement Party Etiquette

EsquireJL

Hello Everyone,

I am writing because I am recently engaged and my parents would like to throw an engagement party for me. Sounds great right? Well here's the pickle:

Both of my parents have been in ministry for over 20 years. I go to a fairly large church and have been there my entire life. This past May I graduated from law school and my parents threw a party for me with over 250 guests. Now they want to throw a simiar party with about 125 guests next month. I just read an article that says it is not proper etiquette to invite people to the engagement party who are not invited to the wedding. http://wedding.theknot.com/getting-engaged/engaged/articles/engagement-parties-411.aspx

I really do not want 125 people at my wedding. In fact my fiance and I have decided to have the wedding in Chicago near his family (We live in NY) and limit the wedding to 75 people. My parents have agreed but they want to throw this party in NY for "the church community" to share in our bliss. Another factor is that my fiance is also a recent law gradaute and we both recently passed the bar. I am grateful they want to do this but is it tacky? Do you think our guests will be insulted once some of them find out they have not been invited to the wedding?

I appreciate any input.

DramaGeek

Since this is for the church community, could it be an open house style, done after church, with a general invite in the bulletin?  I would be less inclined to believe I'm invited to the wedding if it was something like that, rather than individual invites sent to each person.

andy71781

It can be an after church party with everybody invited - but if its an engagement party then you have to only invite those who are invited to the wedding.  Sad but true.

ps - congrats on passing the bar!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'd tell them that you either prefer a much smaller party (with just people who will be invited to the wedding) or you can have a big church party AFTER the wedding to celebrate your marriage.

EsquireJL

Thanks for your quick and thoughtful responses. It seems The Knot had another  article that addressed my question.
http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-questions/engagement-questions/qa/whos-invited-to-engagement-party.aspx

Apparently there are two exceptions to the rule
"if your engagement party guest list will be significantly larger than your wedding day guest list, or if your party is being hosted by an outside party -- someone who has no idea who will be included on your wedding guest list."

Who knew? Thanks again!

EsquireJL

Update: I spoke to my parents and they have agreed not to have an engagement party. I really want to keep the wedding and surrounding events small. Thanks again for all the feedback.