DELETED

LisaTyler1984

Move on with your lives

ricksang

Glad I could make you laugh Cew. Be my Valentine?

lovemygrandkids

What is wrong with Best Western hotels, Kentucky, food and hairdressers outside of NYC?

Guests are supposed to cover the cost of the per head person with a monetary gift?  I have heard of that expectation from a few bridal couples and consider it rude.  It's no longer a gift, it's the price of admission. How do guests know what you are paying per head? I can go out for a nice meal at a good restaurant of my choice and on my schedule for much cheaper.  I always thought that wedding gifts were optional. 

banana468

[QUOTE]As for the "brat" and "shallow" comments, I didn't write this for an attestation of my character. I guess that this is just a regional difference. The tradition for NY weddings is to give money for the wedding and to cover your head[/QUOTE]

Many people may traditionally do this.  That's not etiquette.  That's a norm for some people to do.

However:
-Many people don't actually know what it costs.  So they give what the norm might be or what they can. 
-If people DON'T cover their plate that doesn't make them bad nor is what they did offensive.

As for the rest of your planning, you really need to do room blocks in a few places.  If you're having a wedding in Newport in leaf peeping season, you NEED a room block in a variety of price points.  You can list your place as the primary however by NOT having a room block, you actually run the greater risk of fewer people attending the wedding simply because they won't deal with the logistical issues that were present.

Remember, in a year and a half, we don't know what gas prices will be and you're asking people to drive from the NYC area to Newport which is a good 3 hour drive.  That's LONG on 95 plus a few fill-ups that can be costly. 

Be a good bride, show that you're a great planner and give your guests a ton of options.  If your mom is saying these things and she's similar to the guests that will be invited, you have to know that your guests are at least THINKING these things.

sarah0725

So, would you rather your guests not come if they can't afford to pay the price of admission in their gift at your wedding?

Oh, and one of my friends is getting married on Long Island this summer, and I think she got the memo that moneygrubbing is not part of having a wedding.

Celles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:55d4ad8d-223a-4df3-b693-5d3fc181b231">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope that if I block in one hotel there is some innate inclination to book in that suggested hotel. I recently went to an out of state wedding and the hotel was a little pricey ($250/night) but since it was the only option on the website, I felt an innate pressure to book it because I assumed that was where most people were staying and I'd be missing out on the fun if I booked at another hotel. 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

Why do you want to pressure your guests into paying for something they can't afford?  And what "fun" do you think they'd be missing out on if they booked elsewhere?  The odd chance of bumping into you in an elevator?  *boggle*

I guess I just don't understand why you're so set on controlling every little aspect of your guests' weekend. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:aaa6e1a3-2fc1-4e6e-9bee-3721a70004c7">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Glad I could make you laugh Cew. Be my Valentine? ;)
Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

Of course! I'm a whore.

smokeybailey

This is funny to me.

britne28

Cover your plate is a very tacky idea.  The reception is a thank you for the guests.  Once we get round to doing the registry we hope to have most of the gifts around $25.  One, no one has to get a gift, the fact they are flying across the ocean is enough for me.  Two,  we are in a recession!  People have their own bills and issues to worry about without us brides expecting them to cover their plates. 

Best Western gave us a great group rate and you can book a group of rooms without any cost to yourself.  They just set aside a number of rooms for a set time and once that time is passed they release back to the general population.

ricksang

Awesome. I love whores.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:fc552d21-82af-458a-9ee6-b6ed78531ab9">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]leaf peeping season
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

This made me laugh.  I don't know why.

OP, just charge admission to your wedding and charge the per head rate.  Ooooh!  Or have a raffle where you sell tickets and the prize is a dance with you because you're a peach.

MyNameIsNot

This post makes me proud to be from Kentucky.

signingjulie

I've heard of the cover your plate thing, I don't agree with it.  Aside from the idea being tacky,  how are your guests supposed to know what you paid per head? Are they just supposed to guess and when they don't cover their plate you'll think less of them? Just a bad idea all around.   About the room blocks: can guests do their own research to find cheaper hotels? Sure.  Would it be thoughtful of you to do the research and put it on your website? Yes.  It doesn't take that much effort and your guests will appreciate it.

lmw4253

We get hotels for almost every wedding we go to and that never effects the amount of the gift we give...its always the same. If we could not afford to travel, we would not go to the wedding.

iamjoesgurl

I would not necessarily do a room block in several hotels unless you think any reasonable hotels may book up before guests can make a reservation.  I would help your guests by finding nice accommodations at different price points.  It can be a financial hardship for your guests to pay for the travel and the accommodations so if you decide to do a DW (which is what I would consider this), then you should understand that some of your guests will not be able to attend.  And I also wanted to say that it is not reasonable to expect your guests to all stay at the hotel that you select. 

Also, I think your mom makes a good point.  I won't comment on the other subject of making your money back.  I think you've heard enough good feedback on that.

SarahPLiz

If you are trying to recoup the costs, and the actual people being there is not important to you, then why not just skip it and go to the JOP. Then no one has to pay anything except the license fee.

Its absolutely rude to expect gifts. If you can't afford to throw a wedding, then don't do it. Weddings are generally not break even enterprises anyway. And why should they be. Its like you are charging a cover to your wedding. How crude!

If I was invited to a wedding, I would think that the B&G actually valued my presence, not my presents...

kate51485

Yuck.

wendyao1975

My opinion is that you and your mom deserve each other...

Kati0105

Honestly, if I came to your wedding (which I wouldn't, as I don't tend to socialize with greedy brats) I would be focused on drinking $200 of free alcohol to cover the cost I was paying for the hotel.  And if you knew me (which again, you don't, because I am a lot awesomer than you) you'd know I am totally good for a $200 bar tab.

banana468

If your guests are up on the cost of weddings, they might have an idea of what things cost.

However if it's been ten or more years since they planned a large scale event like that, they'll have to guess.

And then when guests do that, you see the oh so attractive practice of all the women heading to the bathroom at once.  Why?  It's to make sure that they're making the check out for what they assume is the right amount.

And then if they think that anything wasn't worth it, they make it out for less.

OR, if you get the card and check at a later date, you know it's because they  made it out for the wrong price and had to reduce it once they arrived back home after the reception.

tiffgriffin7

Wow! This whole covering your cost of attendance is so foreign to me! I have never heard of this before....so what happens if some of your best friends lost their jobs and can't afford a $300 gift or god forbid - they just don't make enough money to bring golden gifts for attending your glorious party?

I really don't get it at all!

As for the hotel thing, which I guess is your real question...we are having our wedding at a lodge and staying there with the wedding party afterwards so I have encouraged our other guests to stay there if they chose - granted rooms are $100/night or less but I have also put another hotel that is nearby the lodge in case other guests would like to stay there instead (and it is a best western - which I think is a great choice for a one night stay anywhere!)

You seem like you have a totally different economic and social outlook than the majority of brides in this country.

LisaTyler1984

I never said I would want someone to not attend because they couldn't afford a proper gift. If someone skipped out on my wedding because they couldn't give an expensive gift, I would be sad too. I never knew my rule of thumb was abnormal. I was always taught that this was the proper thing to do. I, personally, would feel uncomfortable not giving a gift that didn't pay for my plate. I think of it as a young couple starting their life together, I want to help them out as much as I can. I decide what I give based off of where they are having the wedding and how much I estimate it costs. 

Since most of my family and friends operate by the same rule of thumb, I didn't look at it as rude. Plus, I am not  discussing this with those on my guest list- just some faceless strangers on a wedding board; I thought it was a safe place. I am not some greed monster looking to charge admission or profit off her wedding. If someone can't afford to cover their head, that is fine. But, I think most of my attendees can (before the cost of the hotel). I hope I will get generous gifts, as I'm sure most brides do but that doesn't mean that I would want someone to skip if they can't afford it- I know it's a recession!  

Why are there so many angry brides on here? With all the angry responses I got, you would think that I just killed your cat or something. This is a happy time for everyone- if I came across as rude, so what? 

banana468

I think the issue is that the way you phrased your original post, it had nothing to do with wanting your guests to be happy and comfortable.  You wanted them in your expensive hotel while still getting the cost of their plate as a present.

And unfortunately, those two things are pretty anti-etiquette so you'll be informed that such notions really do border on and might even be rather rude.

deepcovejackie

If you wanted sympathy or understanding about an expectation that guests should somehow guess as as to the amount of their dinner and then shell out an equally sized gift, you're sooooo on the wrong board!

JessAndTrav

1. Why must everyone stay in the same hotel?
2. Why would you rather not list a Best Western on your website? BW's have really upgrades their quality in the last several years. We just had a new one built and it's actually really nice.
3.Making your money back in gifts? I'm glad that you really value people's attendance for the right reasons.
4. I skipped the responses. If I'm repeating others, it'll probably serve you well to read this again.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:b245b778-6795-4dc8-805c-7354831a9139">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are there so many angry brides on here? With all the angry responses I got, you would think that I just killed your cat or something. This is a happy time for everyone- if I came across as rude, so what? 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

You came onto an Etiquette board, lit etiquette on fire, then danced around it, giggling maniacally. What would you expect everyone to say, other than "PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:076a9354-6445-41ef-b49f-db58af31b90b">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette : You came onto an Etiquette board, lit etiquette on fire, then danced around it, giggling maniacally. What would you expect everyone to say, other than "PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

And to further Sarah's point, we're strangers to you. We don't know you. We will judge you for your faux pas.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:b245b778-6795-4dc8-805c-7354831a9139">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I never said I would want someone to not attend because they couldn't afford a proper gift. If someone skipped out on my wedding because they couldn't give an expensive gift, I would be sad too.</strong> I never knew my rule of thumb was abnormal. I was always taught that this was the proper thing to do. I, personally, would feel uncomfortable not giving a gift that didn't pay for my plate. I think of it as a young couple starting their life together, I want to help them out as much as I can. I decide what I give based off of where they are having the wedding and how much I estimate it costs.  Since most of my family and friends operate by the same rule of thumb, I didn't look at it as rude. Plus, I am not  discussing this with those on my guest list- just some faceless strangers on a wedding board; I thought it was a safe place. I am not some greed monster looking to charge admission or profit off her wedding. If someone can't afford to cover their head, that is fine. But, I think most of my attendees can (before the cost of the hotel).<strong> I hope I will get generous gifts, as I'm sure most brides do </strong>but that doesn't mean that I would want someone to skip if they can't afford it- I know it's a recession!   Why are there so many angry brides on here? With all the angry responses I got, you would think that I just killed your cat or something. This is a happy time for everyone- if I came across as rude, so what? 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

In an effort to prove the point that you expect high dollar gifts, you said in one of your posts that you would not attend a wedding if you could not cover your plate. This, to me, implies that you would expect others to do so as well.

I don't doubt that you'd be sad that they could not attend as, even thought their gift is not sufficient in your eyes, it is still a gift. Which is apparently the entire point of the wedding.

kate51485

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:b245b778-6795-4dc8-805c-7354831a9139">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said I would want someone to not attend because they couldn't afford a proper gift. If someone skipped out on my wedding because they couldn't give an expensive gift, I would be sad too.  ......  I decide what I give based off of where they are having the wedding and how much I estimate it costs.  Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

1. In my opinion, a PROPER gift is any gift at all.  No one is OBLIGATED to give you a present at your wedding.  Seriously.  
 
2. I personally give a gift based on how much I care about the couple.  And since I go to weddings of people I care about very much, I give a meaningful gift no matter what I think they may have paid for me to be there.

Grow up and appreciate your friends and family more than a wad of money.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:b245b778-6795-4dc8-805c-7354831a9139">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said I would want someone to not attend because they couldn't afford a proper gift. If someone skipped out on my wedding because they couldn't give an expensive gift, I would be sad too. I never knew my rule of thumb was abnormal. I was always taught that this was the proper thing to do. I, personally, would feel uncomfortable not giving a gift that didn't pay for my plate. I think of it as a young couple starting their life together, I want to help them out as much as I can.<strong> I decide what I give based off of where they are having the wedding and how much I estimate it costs</strong>.  Since most of my family and friends operate by the same rule of thumb, I didn't look at it as rude. Plus, I am not  discussing this with those on my guest list- just some faceless strangers on a wedding board; I thought it was a safe place. I am not some greed monster looking to charge admission or profit off her wedding. If someone can't afford to cover their head, that is fine. But, I think most of my attendees can (before the cost of the hotel). I hope I will get generous gifts, as I'm sure most brides do but that doesn't mean that I would want someone to skip if they can't afford it- I know it's a recession!   Why are there so many angry brides on here? With all the angry responses I got, you would think that I just killed your cat or something. This is a happy time for everyone- if I came across as rude, so what? 
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

Hmmm.  I've always decided what to give based on how well I know the couple and what I can afford to give.  Funny. 

Will everyone that recouped the cost of their weddings in gifts please raise your hand?

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_out-of-state-wedding-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3ad92993-2cea-4141-97c6-55d9363df1a1Post:076a9354-6445-41ef-b49f-db58af31b90b">Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Out of State Wedding Etiquette : You came onto an Etiquette board, lit etiquette on fire, then danced around it, giggling maniacally. What would you expect everyone to say, other than "PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

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