Wedding Etiquette Forum

Not inviting children causing uproar

My wedding is over 5 months away. My cousins are all older than me, and I am inviting them. 99% of our guests are out of state and will have to travel. My friends are using it as a parents only weekend. I discussed this with one cousin who has four children (two teens, one pre-teen, and one toddler) and she was on board with it. Her and her husband usually take a couple only trip once a year. Well, now out of the blue, she called my mom and said she was brining all 4 kids and I would get over it. She said my friends are so she is, even though she knows my friends aren't. Even if she calls her kids adults (teenagers), we didnt invite second cousins. How do I make her understand? I prefer not to be blunt or rude, but will be if necessary. Food is expensive (atleast $70 pp) as with all weddings, so we tried to keep the guest list down.

Is it that out of the ordinary not inviting kids? We are having an open bar, and I know she doesn't allow her children around drinks. I thought that would have been reason enough to make it an adults day. 

Any advice would be great!! 

Re: Not inviting children causing uproar

  • We had an adults-only wedding.  It was fine.  Our friends/family with kids found someone to watch the kids for a night out.

    You can tell her "I'm sorry, but we are unable to accommodate children at our reception.  I hope you can still make it."  And leave it at that.  End the discussion.  There's the chance that she'll decide not to attend your wedding, but as long as you're okay with that, then everything's good.
  • edited April 2011
    I wasn't sure what your poll question was; I said select few, because that's what we're doing, stopping at first cousins for the young'uns.

    You deal with this by telling her that there won't be food or a place to sit for them if they bring the kids.

    ETA:  Or do the polite thing PP suggested.  Mine's more for if she insists even once you tell her politely.
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  • Seeing as she has to travel, I can understand why she doesn't want to leave her kids since they are various ages.  However, you are within your rights to not invite her kids.  You will need to call her and tell her that unfortunately, her children are not invited.  If that means she can't make it, you have to be ready to accept that.

    When you choose not to invite children, you have to accept that some people will not be happy about it.  But if you budget doesn't allow it, then you have to stick by your decision.  Just be ready to deal with those relatives who will be upset about it.
  • Oh my, I think its super tacky for her to call your  mom and tell her too bad im bringing my children. I mean, I could understand that response if you guys are best friends, but even then, I think thats overstepping her boundaries. Its ok for you to not invite kids and tell her sorry that you cant accommodate them. I am having only the children involved in the ceremony invited to the reception along with some 1st cousins kids who I see all the time. But other than that, Im not allowing everyone's children to come. I think I might even have a babysitter for the invited kids so that their parents dont have to care for them.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
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    edited April 2011

    I too was kind of confused by your poll wording; I said 'all' because that's what we're doing (all family kids, anyway).

    Regardless, you're well within your right to say the kids aren't invited.  it sounds like it wouldn't even be that big of an inconvenience, if she has two teenagers she probably doesn't need a babysitter...  PPs have given you good ways to deal with it; whether you want to clear it up now or wait til your invites go out is up to you.  I might just leave it be till invite time, since she hasn't talked to YOU about it.

    point of clarification though:  the kids are actually your first cousins once removed.  Once you have children your kids and those kids will be second cousins.  Just like to fill people in on how that works, because people mis-use the terms a lot :-)

    *edit, typo*

  • Some people are just rude. Gotta deal with them! Sucks though :)
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  • I wasn't sure how to vote, because I think you are well within your rights not to invite kids, BUT, if you invite some, you need to invite all. So it's really an all or nothing situation (I think!)

    We are inviting kids to ours because we feel that weddings are about families and friends coming together and having fun. That being said, that is our choice.  If your choice is to not invite kids, then that is perfectly acceptable.  But I think it gets fuzzy if you only allow certain kids to come. :-)
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  • It's perfectly fine to not invite kids and she was very rude to assume she can just bring them anyways.  I would be very clear with her that you are sorry, but children will not be accomodated and if she shows up with them anyways, they won't be allowed in the reception.  It'll be her embarrassment, not yours, if she has to leave because she was rude and brought people she knew were not invited.
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  • I don't think it's all or nothing.  I think it's easier to tell a person that she can't bring her kids because you're having an adults-only wedding, but I think that it's perfectly fine to only invite the children of your siblings or WP.  I just wouldn't recommend doing funky things like inviting all cousins' kids except for the kids of Cousin Sally because they're brats. 
  • We invited all the kids.  BUT, we also had a small wedding (<30 people) and it was important to us to have our nieces and nephews there.  It didn't stretch us much to include friend's kids.

    BUT, if we'd had a larger wedding, it would've been family kids only because we don't really hang out with our friend's kids.  We go out with them without their kids.  I don't even know most of the kids.

    And I really don't like kids for the most part.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children-causing-uproar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3adf98c2-c396-4672-9df3-f0f23cedcbd0Post:2053c038-ca83-436e-b91f-196cbb98cd04">Re: Not inviting children causing uproar</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's all or nothing.  I think it's easier to tell a person that she can't bring her kids because you're having an adults-only wedding, but I think that it's perfectly fine to only invite the children of your siblings or WP.  I just wouldn't recommend doing funky things like inviting all cousins' kids except for the kids of Cousin Sally because they're brats. 
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Totally agreed.That would be obvious and hurt feelings.
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  • As long as there is a clear cut-off for kids, as in no kids period, only kids of WP/immediate family, no kids under x age, etc, then you are fine. She is very rude to outright claim that she is bringing her kids and there is nothing you can do about it. Do what the PP said and everything will turn out okay in the end.

    I didn't answer the poll because the wording was confusing but we're inviting kids because we think it's important to include everyone. That's just us though :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children-causing-uproar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3adf98c2-c396-4672-9df3-f0f23cedcbd0Post:5f38faf5-b87b-4d09-ace3-d85e9839855d">Not inviting children causing uproar</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, now out of the blue, she called my mom and said she was brining all 4 kids and I would get over it.
    Posted by Sabrinaf33[/QUOTE]
    whattabitch
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children-causing-uproar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3adf98c2-c396-4672-9df3-f0f23cedcbd0Post:2053c038-ca83-436e-b91f-196cbb98cd04">Re: Not inviting children causing uproar</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's all or nothing.  I think it's easier to tell a person that she can't bring her kids because you're having an adults-only wedding, but I think that it's perfectly fine to only invite the children of your siblings or WP.  I just wouldn't recommend doing funky things like inviting all cousins' kids except for the kids of Cousin Sally because they're brats. 
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

     Exactly!  It needs to be across the board. I have taken my kids to weddings and left them home.  I had a wedding to go to when my daughter was only a year old.  I hated leaving her home but understood and figured it was only one weekend.   I had to travel from Indiana to California.  It was my choice go without her or not go.   I opted to go.
  • She's the one being rude. You are perfectly ok not to have kids there. If she's traveling from out of state, maybe she's worried about leaving them at home? Perhaps have your mom suggest somewhere they can stay (her house, hotel) during the wedding so they can travel with the parents? Can the older kids watch the younger one? If not, suggest a sitter. You don't have to do any of this, but I probably would just to avoid the headaches later. Good luck with her.
  • I'm gonna be the odd one out.  After 3 dds weddings, I'm an absolutely staunch believer that kids are no different that any other class of guests - coworkers, church family, neighbors, etc.  You invite those with whom you have a close relation.  If you can't afford to include the kids you barely know, that's fine.

    I really feel the rudeness is in the entitlement of the parents wondering why their little darlings (who may not even know the B&G) weren't invited, but B&G's nieces/nephew/kids they have a relationship with are.  You should not be obligated to invite kids you don't even know to "make it even across the board" and then cut your guest list because everyone you know procreated.

    You should have seen me with the last wedding.  DD said no kids outside of a couple of cousins she knew very well and we had to fight her biomom on it.  We won.  Kids are really no different than any other class of guest....

    For the original question, "Hi Aunt Witchy, this is Sabrina.  I'm sorry if there was some confusion, but we are not able to accomodate the kids.  We are looking forward to seeing you."  Then, when she blows her stack, you calmly remind her you can't accomodate them and there will be no chairs or meals for them.

    I would love to be your mom and make that call for you...

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-children-causing-uproar?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3adf98c2-c396-4672-9df3-f0f23cedcbd0Post:b4393870-b340-4319-893a-77ff403e7242">Re: Not inviting children causing uproar</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm gonna be the odd one out.  After 3 dds weddings, I'm an absolutely staunch believer that kids are no different that any other class of guests - coworkers, church family, neighbors, etc.  You invite those with whom you have a close relation.  If you can't afford to include the kids you barely know, that's fine. I really feel the rudeness is in the entitlement of the parents wondering why their little darlings (who may not even know the B&G) weren't invited, but B&G's nieces/nephew/kids they have a relationship with are.  You should not be obligated to invite kids you don't even know to "make it even across the board" and then cut your guest list because everyone you know procreated.
    Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]
    :applause:
  • I want to change my vote because I misread the question.

    Your cousin is a brat

    Invite the children you have a close relationship with and/or children in the wedding party.

    It's your (and Fi) call.
  • Dude your cousin sounds like she's being a real snatch.
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  • Too bad your mom didn't quelch that right then. You (or your mother) will have to call her back with Mica's wording. Doesn't sound like any great loss if she chooses not to come at all.
  • Have invitations gone out? (I hope not with still 5 months left). No one addressed this, ut even if you've already told her the kids aren't invited make sure you address the inviation to your cousin and her H only. Don't put "adults only" or "no kids" on the invitations. Only put the names of those invited on the invitation.

    She sounds like a twat.
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  • Ok, I have since talked with the cousin. She said she may bring the kids "to mingle" with family and they may not even attend the wedding. I made it clear we are near our filling point with seating and money at the reception  and she seemed to understand. My wedding and reception is at a resort, so I told her if she brought them they could easily stay in the room where she could check on them and the oldest could babysit. So far so good, now let's see if she sticks to it.

    No, I haven't sent out the invites yet. I plan on doing that about 10-12 weeks prior to wedding and having RSVP date about 6-7 weeks prior. We need menu finalized w caterer 4 weeks out and I want to leave room for stragglers. I did send out save the dates and I only listed Mr & Mrs or so and so & guest. Some people read "whole family" into Mr &Mrs it seems.

    Thanks everyone for all the input! For right now, the situation seems temporaily diverted....but I am sure it will be readdressed in the next few months :)

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