Babies at the wedding?

Bryt21

My fiance and I are having trouble with figuring out what to do about inviting kids to our wedding. He has about 10 neices and nephews on his side where I don't have any on mine. He has spoken with his sisters and they asked him if we wanted kids at the wedding which we do want. They told him that they will not be bringing any of their smaller children (ages range from 3 to 8) but the older ones will be attending if we wanted them to which we do! The only problem is his brother has 2 daughters that are very young. One is 2 and the other is only about 6 months. His brother called him and told him he already has a hotel room at the venue and basically expressed that he will be bringing his babies with him and his girlfriend then quickly got off the phone before my fiance could respond. I attended church this past weekend with both daughters in attendance and the youngest was screaming the entire time. How do I let them know that we would prefer them not to bring their babies without causing drama or being rude?? We want kids there just not babies!! HELP! 

baystateapple

You can't.  Obviously his brother has already made his intentions clear.  You or FI can tell him that his children aren't welcome, but there's really no way you can avoid upsetting him.

Also, if you're inviting kids, it should be all or none.  You don't really have a leg to stand on by saying "I want kids but not babies."

WildRumpus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b1d6743-7175-4b8d-b556-c310172b2e9bPost:9131a6db-0cc1-4dd9-83df-6163b1d292ab">Re: Babies at the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]So are you expecting them to leave their 2 year old and 6 month old alone in their hotel room?
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

Duh! That's what pet carriers and ductape are for!

bel138

LesPaul

Can you arrange for a sitter at the venue for the smaller children? 

vsgal

And on the other side of the coin, I had a 6-mo attend our wedding and he did not make a peep. 

You cannot ask them to leave the wee ones either at home or at the hotel.  Well, I guess you could, but then you can expect them to decline your invite.

So ask yourself, is it more important to have his brother at the event with all the kids and the potential for a little noise or is it better that his brother does not come because the kid may cry?

Honestly, we are talking about parents here.  I know that sometimes parents become jaded to the noises that their kids make.  However, at certain events you have to know that if the babies start to cry, most parents will take care of them immediately. That includes a wedding.

Bryt21

Actually a sitter might be a good idea! I'm more concerned about the actual ceremony not so much them being at the reception. Either way, does anyone know how much a sitter might actually cost?? I have NO idea!

Mrs.B6302007

The sitter is a practical solution but most parents aren't going to leave their LOs with a stranger so be prepared for them to shoot down that idea.

BeeBee22

I can't tell from your post whether your FI's sisters live in the city where the wedding will be.  If so, presumably, they have sitters and their brother can leave the 2 year old with his/her cousins.  If they're just not bringing their younger kids to town, I'm afraid that idea doesn't help you.  Knotties with young kids can better address the six-month-old question...  I don't know whether that's too young for a sitter.

REGARDLESS, maybe your FI's sisters (since they are parents themselves) can step in with their brother on this - I would have a hard time telling a FBIL his kid was badly behaved, but I could certainly tell my own brother to take his screaming child outside during the ceremony.  That's just basic good manners.  If your FBIL is in the wedding party, maybe one of his sisters (or a hired sitter) can stand next to the girlfriend and 'help' her out if it becomes a problem. 

Your venue may be able to recommend a credentialed sitter, or maybe you know someone who babysits.  You'd need someone with references if you don't know them personally.  

By the way, it's entirely OK to set an age cutoff, as his sisters have done on their own (i.e., no one under 9 years old).  The kids would much rather be in another room with books, videos or games anyway.   

No one is allowed to invite people to your wedding, even their kids.  Good luck!

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b1d6743-7175-4b8d-b556-c310172b2e9bPost:14f16b30-8a81-4251-b44a-c528ec54f7c1">Re: Babies at the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't tell from your post whether your FI's sisters live in the city where the wedding will be.  If so, presumably, they have sitters and their brother can leave the 3 year old with his/her cousins.  If they're just not bringing their younger kids to town, I'm afraid that idea doesn't help you.  Knotties with young kids can better address the six-month-old question...  I don't know whether that's too young for a sitter. REGARDLESS, maybe your FI's sisters (since they are parents themselves) can step in with their brother on this - I would have a hard time telling a FBIL his kid was badly behaved, but I could certainly tell my own brother to take his screaming child outside during the ceremony.  That's just basic good manners.  If your FBIL is in the wedding party, maybe one of his sisters (or a hired sitter) can stand next to the girlfriend and 'help' her out if it becomes a problem.  Your venue may be able to recommend a credentialed sitter, or maybe you know someone who babysits.  You'd need someone with references if you don't know them personally.   Alternately, By the way, it's entirely OK to set an age cutoff, as his sisters have done on their own (i.e., no one under 9 years old).  <strong>The kids would much rather be in another room with books, videos or games anyway.</strong>    No one is allowed to invite people to your wedding, even their kids.  Good luck!
Posted by BeeBee22[/QUOTE]

That's not true.  My nephews were 4 and 6 and there is no way they would have stayed in another room at the event--even if I did duct tape them there.  They had a great time at the wedding and at the reception.  Why do people assume kids would be happier playing with a toy rather or game instead of interacting with the grown-ups?

Bryt21

I was wondering if we could include some sort of an insert in the invitation (which have to all be sent out next week) that states that children over the age of 10 are welcome. I just didn't know if that would be rude or if his brother still wouldn't understand and bring his daughters regardless. He had stated he was bringing them without even asking us or even before we had told ANYONE that children were even welcome. So it seems to us he just has his own ideas about what they are gonna do regardless of what we want....

kari316

First I think it is important to make it clear in the invitations if kids are invited, if their invitation has just their names and not "and family" that means their kids are not invited and they should respect that.  Of course, you need to be prepared for those with kids who don't live locally to not be able to attend since it can be hard to arrange child care for a whole weekend or in a foreign city. 

I think you also need to have it be all or nothing, age limits can be tough.  We had a family member invite kids above 13 but then we have 5 cousins who vary in age from 11 to 16 and they were inviting all of the cousins except the 11 year old, while his cousins and 13-yr-old brother were invited, which isn't right and obviously upset him.  It can be tough when one side has a lot of kids and the other doesn't. 

I believe in always inviting kids - a lot of parents don't want to deal with them and leave them with a sitter anyway.  I've been to a lot of weddings with kids and have never had one ruined by screaming.  If kids are getting fussy parents know when to take them out - they don't want everyone staring at them while their kid screams any more than people want to listen to it.  Kids are part of your family so why not.  Inviting some will cause hurt feelings and drama.  Inviting none will mean some important people may have to miss the wedding.  Most places offers kids' meals cheaper and won't charge for babies.  Discuss with your venue and try to cut a deal if price is the issue.

Bryt21

Oh and his brother and everyone else with small children are not any farther than a 1 hour drive.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-wedding-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b1d6743-7175-4b8d-b556-c310172b2e9bPost:863f0f20-197e-4e59-a8a5-711cbaa2bebe">Re: Babies at the wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was wondering if we could include some sort of an insert in the invitation (which have to all be sent out next week) that states that children over the age of 10 are welcome. I just didn't know if that would be rude or if his brother still wouldn't understand and bring his daughters regardless. He had stated he was bringing them without even asking us or even before we had told ANYONE that children were even welcome. So it seems to us he just has his own ideas about what they are gonna do regardless of what we want....
Posted by Bryt21[/QUOTE]


Listen, very few parents are going to leave their 6-mo at home with a sitter or in the hotel to fend for themselves.  We are talking about a baby here and a toddler here.  If you don't want the brother to attend, then stand your ground.  Be ready for the fallout.  If I had a 6mo that you insisted that I could not bring, not only would I not come, but I would also be extremely pissed at your decision.  I don't even like kids, but I would never tell a guest that they could not bring their infant, especially if they were  immediate family.  Just not a battle I would want to fight.

It seems like you have come here for validation.  We are telling you that it will be ok to have the wee ones, which is not what you want to hear.  You have in your mind that you don't want a 6 mo to attend because the potential to cry may ruin your perfect pretty princess day, so make the call to the brother and tell him that. 

BeeBee22

Unfortunately, it's really inappropriate to include any such things in invitations.  

From what I've learned on sites like this, you address FBIL's invitation like this:

Mr. FBIL name

Ms. Girlfriend's name.

(NOT "And Family" - those two names only)

Their RSVP card should indicate "we're reserved two seats for you"  If you go to the "Invites'" Knot board, I'm sure you'll find lots of good information about wording.

If they call to ask "what about the kids?"  You tell them due to space (or whatever), you can't include children under 9 years old, and that it would be incredibly rude to your other guests who are respecting this to allow just this couple to bring their small children. (again, regarding the six-month-old, you'll need input from mothers, not me).

If they give you a hard time (which would be really rude of them), hopefully your FI and his siblings can get FBIL to behave as a grown up guest.  

Bryt21

Thanks so much for the good advice everyone! I do understand that this can be a touchy situation and I certainly don't want to step on toes already. I guess we will just send out the invites as is and suck it up! I just needed to hear some advice from other brides on what they would do or find to be appropriate thanks ladies!!!

BeeBee22

And in response to those who think cutoffs are mean to young kids:  When I was young, there were things I was not allowed to attend that my older siblings were.  I understood "you will when you're older."  It's fine.  It's part of the process of growing up.

When young kids are around, the evening inevitably becomes a child-centric affair.  If you want a more grown-up, sophisticated event (and clearly your FI's sisters don't seem to have any problem with it), it's better for everyone if the small kids stay home.  I imagine your family has plenty of child-centic holidays and such.  This is different, and that's a perfectly valid choice.  

pooh8402

personally, I say let them come. it's better to avoid the conflict with your family, and you're not going to notice the kids anyway. really.  we had five million kids at our wedding, and I barely noticed them because they all played with each other. we didn't have any infants, but I've been to weddings where infants were there, and again, no problems. you'll be so in love with your new husband and so happy that you barely notice ANYTHING around you.

landra310s

That's hard because they are part of the immediate family.  I am having no kids at my wedding except my FI's 2 nieces which are going to be 4 & 9 when we get married.  I'm not worried about the 9 yr old, but the 4 yr old is a handful and doesn't listen to anyone.  But it's his nieces so I can't say no...  that's a rough spot.  I would let them come but with the understanding that if they aren't behaving during the ceremony they will need to be removed till they calm down.