No point in KPSing this

mandapanda78

I thought about making a KPS about this, but it would be super obvious who it was, so there's really no point. I'm afraid this might be a little LJ-worthy, but I have to get it off my chest.

I've been obsessed with thinking about my mother lately. I've mentioned before that our relationship is not so good and frankly, I think she sucks at life. We've had a pretty stable relationship the last five years or so because I've worked out that if I hold her at arm's length and just don't give her much information about my life she can't be too toxic toward me (there's nothing for her to comment on, ya know?). I've also been doing that thing where I agree with her just to agree with her, because what's been the harm in that?

But now. Now I've got this kid coming and it's changed everything. My mother has made it very clear that she expects to be involved in things. She invited herself into the delivery room for god's sake. I told her that no, that wouldn't be happening and she got really upset. She's demanding to know how long after the birth she has to wait to come down and how long she can stay. Very normal mom questions but I don't know how to answer them. Whenever she's in my house she treats my belongings like crap and is a very demanding houseguest. On my bachelorette weekend she used one of my really good towels to clean up my nephew's diaper mess. When I complained she threw the dirty towel onto the floor and got the mess all over my carpet.

I can't stop thinking about what I'll do/say if I have a daughter and my mother starts making comments about her weight. I can't stop thinking about the temper tantrums my mother has when I tell her that we do things differently in our house. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do if/when she takes my child aside and teaches them her version of Jesus (which is "the world is split into believers and non-believers and non-believers go to Hell so you'd better be a believer". She taught this to my sister's five year old.)

There's pretty much nothing I can do, right? I should calm down? Stop worrying? Move farther away? Fake my own death? There's no point to this post other than me venting really. I just can't stop thinking about it and being afraid of what new twists and turns the relationship with my mom is about to take.

baystateapple

I just want to give you a huge freakin' hug right now.  I don't think there ARE any right answers to those questions, hon.  You have to decide what is right for you and your family.  Nobody, NOBODY is going to judge you for telling your mom to get the f*ck out if she talks to your daughter like that, when she's older (if you even have a daughter). 

As to the religion thing -- I go through the same agony thinking about my douchebag FIL.  He ruined my H's faith in any sort of higher power with his craziness.  I've already told H that I am NOT tolerating his father talking to our kids about religion AT ALL, and I'm sticking to it.  I could never judge you for thinking that way.

*HUGS*

missy68

Manda, I wish I had words of wisdom for you. My grandmother one time said something to me about "should I be eating that" and it stuck with me forever. I don't know why weight was a hangup for her; she raised 3 football playing boys. I guess because she was petite. She says some things now about my cousin, who's struggled with baby weight. But at 90, what are you going to do?

I've not had a bad relationship with my mom, but we were very strained when I was a teen.

There's no point to any of this, other than to offer you a shoulder and a really big (((((((manda))))))))))). I'm so sorry.

adamar15

I think I probably know the answer to this, but are you able to try and talk to her about any of this?  Like have a straight-up "Mom, these are my rules regarding my child.  It's not baseball, no three strikes, follow the rules or you're out." kind of conversation?

Habs2Hart

I just want to give you a big ol' hug too.  Your sitch sucks Manda   :: sad panda ::

I would just try to take your mind off of it right now, if you can.  You're still a bit away from this being a reality, and really, your mom can only be as involved as you allow her to be.  She may be your mother, but you are your child's mother and you and your H have control of this situation. 

mandapanda78

Thanks bay. I could use an E hug. And I am totally afraid of being judged. She has a really great way of making me feel like I'm the one who's screwed up, too. Maybe that's why I felt the need to vent. I don't think I'm crazy, but maybe I'm crazy.

waltzingmatilda13

Aw, Manda. I'm sorry you even have to deal with all of this. I totally agree with Bay, that beyond laying down ground rules for your own house, there's not much that can be said. You can certainly tell your mom she can't visit if she can't behave, but how is that fair to her or your child. It's a tough spot to be in for sure.

I think you just need to remember that your job is to protect your child, even from your mother. It'll be hard but you and Mr. P have to do what's best for you and your family.

(((HUGS)))

andy71781

I'd like to give you and that baby a big hug.  I totally know how you feel.  I think the only thing you can do is set ground rules.  I'm sending you a PM.

FutureMrsFezz

I don't know the right/wrong answer to this.  But I ♥ you.  You know where to find me if you need me.

mandapanda78

adamar, she's not really very logical or predictable. I absolutely plan on talking to her and setting rules. I just don't expect that to have any actual impact.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:c8ae17fd-ed25-4c13-a498-296aceec6fe8">Re: No point in KPSing this</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks bay. I could use an E hug. And I am totally afraid of being judged. She has a really great way of making me feel like I'm the one who's screwed up, too. Maybe that's why I felt the need to vent. I don't think I'm crazy, but maybe I'm crazy.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

One of the things my therapist has told me, so many times (and it is so hard for me to get it through my head sometimes) is that it doesn't matter if someone else thinks that how you feel is justified.  <em>It is still what you feel, and nobody can tell you how to react to something</em>.  If you think your mom is being a tool, if you don't like the way she treats you, your husband, or Baby Panda -- it doesn't matter if she doesn't understand why.  <em>It is still how you feel, and you don't need to justify it</em>. 

And P.S.  You're not crazy, nor have you screwed up.

Habs2Hart

Manda - do you need some pregly weed?  Would that make you feel better?

Beachy730

No Panda you are definitely not the crazy one. I'm so sorry you have to worry and think about this already. I don't think anyone would judge you if you did decide to cut her out of your life its she does behave like that when turkeybutt comes. You don't want to spend all of your time worrying about undoing the damage she causes, or stressing about her visits. As for the labor thing I would just tell her you haven't even thought about that, and then I wouldn't even call her until after the baby is born.

RobotLegs

Manda, I love you and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this

This is brutal, but really- can you just cut her out of your life?  I don't feel like she's doing anything to make your life better, and she is being nothing but a stressor and burden to you.  You don't deserve it- just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you have to be involved with her.

Birdie1483

I"m sorry Manda ::hugs::

I'm going to send you a FB message because I hate TK PM system and I want to tell you some stuff I don't want to blast over the interwebs.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:2cfd92a6-4f06-4ce9-abb1-3884c5eaf853">Re: No point in KPSing this</a>:
[QUOTE]adamar, she's not really very logical or predictable. I absolutely plan on talking to her and setting rules. I just don't expect that to have any actual impact.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

I figured.  Well, the only advice I have is to do what YOU think is best for YOUR family.  Don't let her guilt you into anything that you're uncomfortable with.  Hugs and good vibes your way!

emilyinchile

Aww Manda, I'm sending you yet another hug. I agree with everyone else, I think all you can really do is know that you ARE NOT crazy and set your rules and stick to them. I think it's fine to say that your mother cannot stay with you, or if you're willing to let her stay with you to kick her out the second she does something like what she did with your towels. It's also ok not to allow her to be with Turkeybutt unsupervised which would let you leave the situation if she ever started talking about weight or religion. It sucks that you have to make those rules, but it's not in any way unfair of you to do so - your mother brought them upon herself.

laurenclaire1386

Hugs Manda. You'll be a great mom, if only because you have a wonderful example of everything NOT to do. I wish I had better advice.

cengle

*Hugs* Manda.

You are NOT crazy, and you have no judgment from me. I don't have any good advice, but you and Mr. P get to decide how your child is raised. It's going to be tough dealing with your mom, no doubt. I know you'll be a fantastic mom, and I think some of these things you may just have to figure out as you go. I know it's easier said than done, but I wouldn't worry too much about all of this now.

More *hugs*

annakb8

Oh Manda, that really sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Is there any conceivable way you could get her to stay in a hotel instead of at your house when she visits? Or would that cause WWIII?

Meg1036

Oh, lots of hugs.  This is a really hard situation.  And while I'm not there yet, and no one in my family is nearly as difficult as you describe your mother, I worry a lot about setting up boundaries between my parents/in-laws and my children.  So I can't imagine how you feel.

I echo pp that your new family needs to come first.  Your mom needs really strict rules about interaction with grandchildren, and probably to never be left alone with baby panda, if you're that concerned about the values your mom teaches (and I agree with you on that).  If she upsets you and wants to come visit after baby panda is born, is a hotel an option?  Are any perhaps nearby family or friends who are like family an option?  That way she could see the baby for a little while during the day, but you would be able to get time alone from her too.

That's all I've got.  And more hugs.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:5aeac85f-1ec7-48f7-bf78-bfffcb5b1d63">Re: No point in KPSing this</a>:
[QUOTE]Hugs Manda. You'll be a great mom, if only because you have a wonderful example of everything NOT to do. I wish I had better advice.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

THIS.

This is what I continually tell H, when he worries about being a good father.  He's going to be a GREAT father, because he's learned from FIL's example of how not to be.

aleighk1

As you probably know my FMIL is freaking crazy and we just had to cut her out of our lives. It was making us miserable and I've felt so much better now that we don't have to talk to her anymore. 

Stackeye210

I love you mands - and here is my advice:  It's your child and you will protect them how you deem necessary.  There is no crying in baseball when it comes to the protection of your child.  You may not have the confidence to make waves with your mother just yet - but just be completely confident that once you have him/her you will immediately have it.  There is nothing that you won't do - and nobody will stop you when it comes to raising them. 

Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come.  I can 100% guarantee it. 

LDYGTR13

I honestly don't have enough time to read through this right now (boss keeps walking by my desk) but I can tell that you need this:

::HUUUUUUUUUGS::

I'll read/respond later.

mandapanda78

I was really considering deleting that post before it even went up. I am so glad I didn't. I just needed a little support and Mr. P never knows what to say because my family dynamic so so alien to him. He's got some dysfunction in his family, sure, but compared to mine they're the damn Cleavers. (And I love them for it, make no doubt.)

Thank you, everyone. Your responses are doing a world of good to me.

And I have thought about cutting her out completely. I suspect that's going to happen eventually. She always threatens to stop talking to me, I just wish I could find the magic button that would make it true. Of course, cutting her out is difficult because my sister and brother would likely take her side. I've already practiced saying "I don't want to discuss my relationship with mom with you. It's between me and her. If we can't talk about something else I'm afraid I have to get off the phone/leave the room."

Trifury2007

Sorry to your are in this situation.  Anyone who would judge you for this is a tool.

mandapanda78

Stacks, thank you a million thank yous. Seriously.

Hey guys, I probably shouldn't have done this at work huh? I'm feeling a little pregly emotional. Again. Heehee!

ahhhitsshannyn

Ehug manda.

I do not really know the real answer since it seems like even if you set ground rules she will not abide by them. You do not need that type of toxic personality in your life or your future childs life. I am not saying that you have to stay away from her forever, but if she cannot be the type of mother or grandmother that you and your child deserve, she does not need to be in your lives right now.

Sorry if I am making no sense, I feel for you and I wish I could help

Ghoti

For what it's worth, somethings moms make much better Grandma's then they do mothers Mine is sucking at being a mom right now, to the point where she refuses to come to the wedding because she's mad I moved out of state with the kids (Sorry mom, affording rent and eating is kinda really important). But she is an Amazing Grandma, talks to the girls every other day or more, sends clothes and toys and whatnot to them, reads to them etc. 

One can hope, right? Try not to worry, can you talk to your sister about it at all? Maybe you guys can make a unified front and give each other support on the issue

Marrin713

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:1f8f113d-e44f-41c4-8feb-3db8072493d0">Re: No point in KPSing this</a>:
[QUOTE]I love you mands - and here is my advice:  It's your child and you will protect them how you deem necessary.  There is no crying in baseball when it comes to the protection of your child.  <strong>You may not have the confidence to make waves with your mother just yet - but just be completely confident that once you have him/her you will immediately have it.</strong>  There is nothing that you won't do - and nobody will stop you when it comes to raising them.  Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come.  I can 100% guarantee it. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

This x100.  Along with Stackeye, I can also guarantee it.  When you have that baby, your focus will shift and you'll find what you need to confront your mother and all her attending b*llshit.