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My mother's big mouth - deciding who to invite - HELP!

So my story goes like this: My mother’s best friend’s son asked if he could bartend at our wedding.  We offered to pay him, but he said he’ll do it for tips.  Wonderful!  We thanked him and have planned on having him tend bar.  Well, my mother in a moment of verbal diarrhea told his mother that he could bring his wife… as a guest.  Ok, I’ll deal with it.  Add his wife to the guest list.  My mother NOW informs me that because she invited his wife, we have to invite his 2 other brothers and their wives or else it will cause strife in her best friend’s family. 

Now my mom and dad are helping pay for our wedding (a little more than half) and I’ve thus far given into my mother’s multiple requests to add people to the guest list who I 1) don’t really know or care if they’re at the wedding or 2) knew when I was about 10 and haven’t seen in 20 years.  I understand that even though these people aren’t necessarily important to me, they’re important to her and… well… she’s paying for them (for the most part). 

My question is, where do I draw the line here?  She’s not asking me to invite the brothers and their wives because she wants them there.  She’s asking because she feels like she has to.  There’s a part of me that feels like “this is your mess, so you clean it up” and then I realize that she’s my mom, she’s trying to help, and she messed up.  If she hadn’t invited the bartending son’s wife, this wouldn’t be an issue and she is sorry that she did, but done is done.  How do we fix it?  Am I stuck inviting these people I haven’t seen in forever/have not met (the wives) and do not want there? 

Oh, and keep in mind, that while his brothers would attend as guests, the bartending son will still be tending bar… THIS makes me feel worse than anything.  I mean, he was trying to do something nice for us and now he gets to be a bartender while his brothers party down?  *sigh*  The whole thing has me tearing out my hair! 

Re: My mother's big mouth - deciding who to invite - HELP!

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    Mrs.B6302007Mrs.B6302007 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-big-mouth-deciding-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3dd5d56e-53c3-489b-8fe0-641d8d472f2fPost:ff5028c0-6640-4815-8e4d-a3ac7c95ca74">My mother's big mouth - deciding who to invite - HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my story goes like this: My mother’s best friend’s son asked if he could bartend at our wedding.   We offered to pay him, but he said he’ll do it for tips.   Wonderful!   We thanked him and have planned on having him tend bar.   Well, my mother in a moment of verbal diarrhea told his mother that he could bring his wife… as a guest.   Ok, I’ll deal with it.   Add his wife to the guest list.   My mother NOW informs me that because she invited his wife, we have to invite his 2 other brothers and their wives or else it will cause strife in her best friend’s family.   Now my mom and dad are helping pay for our wedding (a little more than half) and I’ve thus far given into my mother’s multiple requests to add people to the guest list who I 1) don’t really know or care if they’re at the wedding or 2) knew when I was about 10 and haven’t seen in 20 years.   I understand that even though these people aren’t necessarily important to me, they’re important to her and… well… she’s paying for them (for the most part).   My question is, where do I draw the line here?   She’s not asking me to invite the brothers and their wives because she wants them there.   She’s asking because she feels like she has to.   There’s a part of me that feels like “this is your mess, so you clean it up” and then I realize that she’s my mom, she’s trying to help, and she messed up.   If she hadn’t invited the bartending son’s wife, this wouldn’t be an issue and she is sorry that she did, but done is done.   How do we fix it?   Am I stuck inviting these people I haven’t seen in forever/have not met (the wives) and do not want there?   Oh, and keep in mind, that while his brothers would attend as guests, the bartending son will still be tending bar… THIS makes me feel worse than anything.   I mean, he was trying to do something nice for us and now he gets to be a bartender while his brothers party down?   *sigh*   The whole thing has me tearing out my hair!  
    Posted by Ramoresax[/QUOTE]

    I don't understand why the brothers need to be invited if he (bartender) and they weren't going to be invited anyway.  You're right - he's working and they're partying.  Nope.

    BTW, the tip thing isn't cool if he means from your guests.   Just give him a flat tip up front or at the end of the night - don't allow your guests to tip him.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
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    06.10.10

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    em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-big-mouth-deciding-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3dd5d56e-53c3-489b-8fe0-641d8d472f2fPost:ff5028c0-6640-4815-8e4d-a3ac7c95ca74">My mother's big mouth - deciding who to invite - HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my story goes like this: My mother’s best friend’s son asked if he could bartend at our wedding.   We offered to pay him, but he said he’ll do it for tips.   Wonderful!   We thanked him and have planned on having him tend bar.   Well, my mother in a moment of verbal diarrhea told his mother that he could bring his wife… as a guest.   Ok, I’ll deal with it.   Add his wife to the guest list.   My mother NOW informs me that because she invited his wife, we have to invite his 2 other brothers and their wives or else it will cause strife in her best friend’s family.   Now my mom and dad are helping pay for our wedding (a little more than half) and I’ve thus far given into my mother’s multiple requests to add people to the guest list who I 1) don’t really know or care if they’re at the wedding or 2) knew when I was about 10 and haven’t seen in 20 years.   I understand that even though these people aren’t necessarily important to me, they’re important to her and… well… she’s paying for them (for the most part).   My question is, where do I draw the line here?   She’s not asking me to invite the brothers and their wives because she wants them there.   She’s asking because she feels like she has to.   There’s a part of me that feels like “this is your mess, so you clean it up” and then I realize that she’s my mom, she’s trying to help, and she messed up.   If she hadn’t invited the bartending son’s wife, this wouldn’t be an issue and she is sorry that she did, but done is done.   How do we fix it?   Am I stuck inviting these people I haven’t seen in forever/have not met (the wives) and do not want there?   Oh, and keep in mind, that while his brothers would attend as guests, the bartending son will still be tending bar… THIS makes me feel worse than anything.   I mean, he was trying to do something nice for us and now he gets to be a bartender while his brothers party down?   *sigh*   The whole thing has me tearing out my hair!  
    Posted by Ramoresax[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Don't invite the brothers. Have your mom apologize to the friend, but you and your FI want to keep the wedding as intimate as possible. Invite the wife, but she may not come since her H is providing a service. </div><div>
    </div><div>Also, I don't like the idea of letting the guy bartend for tips. A lot of people frown on the placement of the tip jar and some people may not bring cash with them to tip him. What type of bar are you having, btw? 

    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mothers-big-mouth-deciding-invite-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3dd5d56e-53c3-489b-8fe0-641d8d472f2fPost:bccc22cd-e75f-45c2-b52d-2aef65306515">Re: My mother's big mouth - deciding who to invite - HELP!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, I don't like the idea of letting the guy bartend for tips. A lot of people frown on the placement of the tip jar and some people may not bring cash with them to tip him. What type of bar are you having, btw? 
    Posted by em01092[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, the tips thing was his idea so I hadn't really thought much about it beyond that.  Thank you for pointing it out. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />  No matter what he says though, we'll give him something for helping out. 

    For our bar, we're stocking it ourselves so it's beer, wine, and soft drinks.  No cash bars please and thanks!
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    I would definately talk to your mo,. You do not need to invite his brothers. His wife is a courtesy and I think thats nice of you to be all right with that but his brothers sound like wedding crashers and have no business being at your event. Even though your mom is helping to pay for some of your wedding this is still a personal event for you and your fiance and neither you nor her need to feel obligated to invite additional people to the wedding.

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    Why will not inviting the bartenders brothers and their wives cause strife? That seems really dumb.
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    They're acting like they're 12. I wouldn't invite them.  Do these 3 grown couples consider themselves a "social unit?" If so, they are in the wrong, not you!
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    So.... my mom asked a seven year old boy to be in my wedding after we already had a ring bearer. Yep she did. Now I can't tell the kid no, it would not be pretty. So I have come to the conclusion that the mothers are the real bridezillas.
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    sand1997

    In my area they often have bell ringers or children carry banners. Maybe the extra little boy can do that? 

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