Bachelorette dilemma

bfr65333

Hi ladies - I'm not sure what to do about my bachelorette party and would like to know your thoughts.

One of my bridesmaids is a wonderful person and friend. She's always been there for me and has been amazingly helpful with the wedding. However, she is very reserved, doesn't drink and sometimes gets mad when other people do. Some people have told me that she's a "buzzkill" and not a lot of fun to be around. The other day, she complained to me that she doesn't want to be the only sober one at my bachelorette party and that she really hopes myself and the other girls don't get too drunk and act like "alcoholics." Also, she recently had a baby and hates being away from her for more than a few hours at a time (totally understandable). Plus she has told me that money is tight for her and her husband right now.

For the bachelorette party, we're planning on going to Vegas - so we'll definitely be drinking, and although we'll try not to spend too much money, it will probably be somewhat expensive. All of the other girls are fine with the budget we've agreed on, and they are all looking forward to partying.

The other bridesmaids have suggested that I should try to convince her not to come to the bachelorette party. They think (and I hate to admit this, but I do agree) that she will be complaining the whole time about us drinking, about her not having any money and about having to leave her baby - and that she'll ruin our time. I've casually mentioned to my friend that if she isn't able to make it, I'll understand. However, she says she still really wants to come. I do want her to be there, but I am concerned about how she'll act. I also don't want to put her in a bad financial situation. I just want all of us to have a great time, and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. This girl is a good friend of mine and I don't want to damage our friendship.

How do you guys think I should handle this?

J&K10910

I think you should handle this by staying out of it completely.  You've put yourself in a really bad spot by even entertaining this discussion in the first place.  It is up to your BM whether or not she comes, and if you suggest otherwise, you are risking your friendship.

gananoque

To be blunt, if your relationship with this woman is priority number one, you should elect to not have a Vegas bachelorette party. Clearly this is not the case and Vegas takes priority. That's fine. But now you just have to accept the fact that you've made this choice. The choice to have a Vegas weekend bachelorette means you are in fact potentially putting a financial strain on your friend and putting some pressure on her to participate in activities that she will not enjoy and that will make her uncomfortable. That's just the reality of the situation and you just kind of have to own it.

You can't tell her not to come, no matter what your "Girls Gone Wild" friends think of her. You've done all you can do and it is now up to her to decide whether or not she wishes to attend. And if she annoys you and the other girls all weekend, you'll just all have to be grownups and deal with it as best you can.

kwilliams111012

I agree with JK - let her make her own decision.  She's a grown woman and can decide whether or not it's a smart decision to go.

ArynBaker

I agree you shouldn't say anything. Also, if she has a newborn or infant at home that she doesn't like to be away from for long then there's a good chance she'll choose to stay home anyway. Especially if she knows the trip will be expensive. Either way, JK is right that asking or suggesting that she doesn't go could be harmful to the friendship. 

J&K10910

And?  I'd be telling my catty bridesmaids to leave me the hell out of their conflicts, backstabbing, and scheming. 

soontobemrsep

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bachelorette-dilemma?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e52f084-9a35-4275-885e-771008b13884Post:5d255c97-f170-41f4-9907-0b6ce38576ff">Re: Bachelorette dilemma</a>:
[QUOTE]And?  I'd be telling my catty bridesmaids to leave me the hell out of their conflicts, backstabbing, and scheming. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]
AGREED. <div>
</div><div>Girls can be so mean to eachother, even when they're 'best friends forever!'</div>

polichik

Leave it to her to decide whether or not to come. If she starts complaining suing the party, ignore her. She's choosing to attend an event like this, and if she knows the nature of the party and chooses to attend, she needs to keep her mouth shut (barring something illegal or dangerous going on).

katehar01

The only way you can "handle it" is by letting her know that you understand and won't be upset if she can't afford to come / doesn't want to leave the baby.  Since you already did this, you have to let her make the decision.  I understand you're in a little bit of a rough spot, but you can't make her feel unwelcome, or you will damage the friendship.

bfr65333

Thanks ladies! I appreciate all of your comments. I agree w/ all of you that it's best to just let her make the decision on her own.

whitsy

I'd be a sad panda if someone I consider to be a really good friend was talking about me behind my back, and were considering not wanting me to come to a party.

likeadeadstar

My understanding is that the BMs and MOH should have been talking amongst themselves planning this, and seeing what everyone's budgets were.  Did they just totally disregard her or railroad her into this?

Either way, let her decide.  She's a grown woman. 

tenofcups4me

I agree I wouldn't try to talk her out of it BUT I would make it clear what the weekend entails. That yes, you will all be drinking, you probably will get a little (or a lot) silly, the total cost will probably be $x. Assuming she's a really good friend, I don't see anything wrong with saying something like "Look, I know this might not be your idea of a great time. Of course I really want you to come and have a great time! But if you don't think it will be fun for you, I also completely understand if you decide not to."

She might be planning to come because she thinks it's expected or that she's not a good BM or she'll hurt your feelings if she doesn't. I'd give her the "out" if she wants it and then let her decide whichever way she wants.

BubbsNBubbs

I agree with deadstar. If this was something they all discussed and agreed upon...she shouldn't be having any issues.  It sounds like your other BM's have got a bad case of the bullies.

I think you should go with what tenofcups suggested.  Have a heart to heart with your friend. If she recently had her baby...she is still super hormonal and sensitive to many things.  Have a talk with her ...heart to heart...and help her to understand that you would totally understand if she chose to stay home with her new baby.

rebarobert2012

You should let her make her own decision about whether or not to attend.  If you tell her that you will understand if she can't make it, it sounds almost like you are un-inviting her, which would be horribly rude.  I understand that you don't want her giving you guys a hard time about drinking, but she's your bridesmaid, and if she wants to come, you should let her.

Since she doesn't want to leave her baby and doesn't drink anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if she decides not to come in the end.

[Deleted User]

Not to be mean. But how is she that close of a friend to you? I mean, I don't drink, EVER, but none of my bridesmaids do either, that's one of the reasons why we're friends, and they're my bridesmaids. We are all Christians and therefore most of our beliefs are the same. So to have an activity that not all of your closest friends feel comfortable with is a little appauling. While I can most relate to your conservative friend, I don't think that you have to revolve your party around what she likes. I would explain to her what's going to happen, and that you'll all be drinking and stuff. Explain to her the costs, invite her, but let her know that you understand if she can't make it. If I were her, I just wouldn't go, there's no point of going somewhere and complaining the whole time. That's just plain annoying to everyone, and stupid might I add.

Now, if you want to be a super, duper, great, accomadating friend, I would try to gear the party towards being something that EVERYONE would feel comfortable with, like maybe a night out to dinner, and then something at a friend's house later on, lol. And I would make the party local. Having an out of town bachelorette party seems a bit much to me.  However, you are the bride, and the most important thing is for you to enjoy yourself, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. She chose to be your bridesmaid knowing who you were and your values and morals.  Just think about if you'll regret not going to Vegas for your Bachelorette party, 20 years from now.

[Deleted User]

I should add that it seems like the other bridesmaids are having a little 'mean girls' moment. It feels like it's all of them against your conservative friend.