Help with my mother? (long)

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:960b13ef-40f7-41b9-8a05-5c98ba11889b">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]ok, well, there are THINGS to do, but<strong> how else can you explain the extreme difference in average ages people get married?</strong> Clearly there is some reason? what is it? And the fact is, <strong>that age difference also corresponds to a difference in divorce rate</strong>. It IS lower in the northeast where people get married at an older age (lowest in Mass actually I think) ... Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

#1 - Where are you getting all of these statistics? Sources, please.

#2 - Correlation =/= causation. Just because there (supposedly) is a trend towards lower average marital age in a region and higher divorce rates does NOT mean that the lower average marital age CAUSES the higher divorce rate.

rsanna

I'm going to bite again, because I'm bored.

Why is getting married at a younger age automatically mean that someone isn't making an adult decision, or a responsible or a mature or logical decision?  I get it statistics back you up. But they are just that statistics that you are turning into broad generalizations.  But you obviously have to be right, because you have statistics to back you up.

Statisically speaking people are more likely to divorce again after going through a divorce.  Depending on what research you look at, living with someone lowers your chances of getting married (even though that has been proven to not provide decent correlation, because it relates to what the people have in mind when they move in together).

An example, you have the money to buy a house.  You have the means and income to buy and own and take care of a house.  Why can't you wait to buy a house? You could lose your job.  You may only have 6 months of living expenses saved up instead of 12.  You could get pregnant.  The house you are looking at could have mold or a poor foundation. If the house is really meant to be, it will still be there in 5 years when you are in an even better position.  What is the rush to buy that house?  Obviously it is just a mad rush to buy a certain house and all homebuyers (or almost all homebuyers) will end up bankrupt and ruined.

Obviously marriage is different.  But everyone is different. I don't know the OP and I don't know her mother.  What I do know is you are spouting hurtful and rude comments.  I know people can only reply with what is given, but there is no reason to assume the OP is making awful decisions that you can bet money on will end in a divorce, when she gave no indication of that.

ETA: Here are some links for divorce rates.

http://www.divorcerate.org/
http://www.divorcemag.com/statistics/statsus.shtml
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_028.pdf (go to page 25 for easy to understand numbers)

MBeezKneez

my parents got married at 18 and 20, 41 years ago to the day. They're still married. My uncle got married at 22 to an 18 year old bride. They recently celebrated their 48th anniversary. My other uncle got married at 20 to another 20 year old....another 40+ anniversary celebration is coming up. 

Sheesh. As PP have said, getting married young isn't a crime, so why the hate?

To the OP: 

My FI was having similar issues with his mother being in denial over our wedding, and he's 31! Their relationship was already on the rocks, however, and it sounds like you're normally pretty close to your mother.  Your conviction to your plan may sway her opinion far more than any kind of insistant talking. My advice would be to continue your planning without sharing it with her, and as PP have said, forget about the STDs. Since your relationship is normally good, eventually she WILL ask about it, if for no other reason than out of morbid curiosity. Then you can share your plans firmly and calmly, and decide what to do about her and her side of the famly based on her reaction at that point. 

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:29927969-86ed-4aed-bf2a-49134dc89492">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]My point about a biological clock is that there is no RUSH to get married. why rush into things when the odds are entirely against you AND the person who arguably knows you best has MAJOR reservations about it? Of course, she may not be in the percentage that gets divorced, but haven't we ALL been there when we think the person 'is the one" (ESPECIALLY when we were young) and then you grow up and realize that the person you are when you are 20 years old is NOT the person you are for the majority of your life? while not everyone is the same, its pretty clear that since most people who get married before a certain age end up divorced, then this viewpoint is not a stretch. you are right, we have limited knowledge oif the situation, but knowing they are so young is enough knowledge to know that most likely, this marriage will not work (esp considering her family is somewhat against it). I know it came off harsh, but I get the feeling probably alot of people she knows are thinking this but not saying it. Even here, no one has said "listen to your mother". I know what its like to be in love when you are 20, and I know in south carolina all this is normal, but also in south carolina the divorce rates are astronomical (most of the south actually). NO ONE thinks they will be a "statistic" but its COMPLETELY foolish not to think and consider these things as a possibility esp when you are so young that you have an entire lifetime of change ahead of you. There is no rush. why not wait until after grad school. I just dont see why you what the issue with waiting is. Usually I find that people who dont want to wait have insecurities about their relationship to begin with and want to "cement it" ( military nonewithstanding) bc they want to tie that person to them.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]
Katie Bell my dear,
You are a bitter women. Just because your relationship didn't work doesn't mean it will be the case for Colleen. Your statistics might be correct but the OP didn't come here regarding her age and marriage. All your points are irrelevant to her issues.

To answer OP's questions, I think you should really have a sit down with your mom. You mention you two never fight and had a pretty good relationship so she sounds like she can be reasonable. she might have some reservations as to why you shouldn't get married. You've made a decision to get married and will ultimately do so with or without her permission but at least you tried to discuss the issues with her. Good Luck

katiebelle2882

Ive never had any issues with a relationship. I dumped him bc he wanted to get married at 25. I have a boyfriend now who is wonderful. My points are not irrelevant to her issues bc apparently its exactly what  her mother thinks. Most of you are quick to dismiss her mothers reservations but they are not unfounded, so my entire point was, she IS very young, there shouldn't a rush when you are that age, and maybe she should listen to what her mom has to say. experience is everything, and moms do have that going for them.

allychase

In Response to Re:Help with my mother? long:[QUOTE]ok, well, there are THINGS to do, but how else can you explain the extreme difference in average ages people get married? Clearly there is some reason? what is it? And the fact is, that age difference also corresponds to a difference in divorce rate. It IS lower in the northeast where people get married at an older age lowest in Mass actually I think Of course some people are paying their own bills etc at 2021, but I still dont think that means you are an "adult". Maybe it has to do with the lack of more options in terms of who to marry, I just don't know, but to dispute these facts seems pointless when they are just that, facts.I never said she was dropping out of school. I said it doesnt make any sense to get married before you are done with at least your bachelors. Again ladies, I ask you, what exactly is the mad rush for someone like this? Other then to cement something that if it is meant to be, will be there in 46 years when she is at a good age? Doesn't everyone here think that if something is meant to be it is meant to be? I certainly do.I do think people have this idea that marriage is supposed to be a fairy tale. I also think that the younger you are the more susceptible you are to this kind of thinking and making a decision quickly and out of "love". or like someone else said, the "idea of being in love' more then being in love with the actual person.Also, just to point out what I think is obvious. I definitely do not think that most men are ready for marriage at 20. Men, perhaps even more then women, need to play the field. Many have very little concept of 'this will be the last person you sleep with" and have major issues with it around year 7, maybe even sooner. I KNOW this all sounds cynical, but with the divorce rate at 50, and the infidelity rate around 70 you have to be sure, and also be ready to accept certain things. I have rarely met a 20 year old who really gets that clearlythey do exist. Like I said, no one thinks they will be a statistic, the sad fact is, most end up one. Even people who get married at the "right" age. I just like to have as little risk as possible when it comes to think like this, since you are tying your life to someone in the most intimate way possible! and i am a VERY spontaneous person by naturebut this is not a good thing to leave only to your heart.fluffernut NYC is awesome, I was born and raised about an hour outside nyc really just your average american suburb i would say but have lived here for years now. there is no place like it in the world, and nothing can compare. the food, the entertainment, the nightlife going to a city where bars close before 4am is always shocking to me lolnbsp; the culture, the people and yes, even the men are unparalleled. Of course, there are many things that it does not offer that other places dolike peace and quiet; but even outside nyc, less than an hour away, are some of the best beaches in the country. We are really lucky around here, although there are days when I want to pick up and move to montana believe it or not, I love great big wide open spaces too, and would get myself 5 horses and a bunch of dogs. Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]

Why do I have a feeling you're a miserable old woman who hates seeing other people happy? And your only posts are on this thread? Troll....

I love how you think you can tell people what's going to happen in their life. It's cute. You should be a psychic. Then people can pay to hear your nonsense. Until then, just be quiet.

theponz512

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:b15a8242-27d8-4839-b531-6645d7b8f930">Re: Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]you are too young. people who get married before 25-27 have a MUCH higher chance of getting divorced. Honestly, this will probably be you. Why would you EVER want to commit to someone before you are fully established in life and know who you really are. I know you think you do, but you dont. people down south and in the midwest (where frankly, there is nothing better to do then get married and procreate) often get married this early, but the divorce rates in these areas are also MUCH higher. Think about it, if its meant to be its meant to be, but I can tell you that 99% of my friends were with someone who they were absolutely sure they were going to marry at age 20, and yet none of them are married to those people now. They grew up, got a real life, gotout of school got established, and then found someone who was their real soulmate. Any argument about when parents got married is invalid too, since it was a different time then, also, women did not have as many options in terms of life. Seriously, rethink this awful decision of yours and wait until you are OUT of grad school. I can almost promise you you will not still be with your fiancee.
Posted by katiebelle2882[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Just in case you were wondering, it is not your place AT ALL to determine whether someones marriage is going to fail based on their ages. Perhaps YOU werent mature enough or sure enough of yourself at the age of 20, but that does not mean that everyone else is like you. </div><div>I am 20, and my FI is 22. We love each other, live together, pay our own bills, and both of us work full time and go to school full time. Why shouldn't we get married? What is wrong with our lifestyle? Why are you so sure that anyone who gets married under the age of 25 is going to live a doomed married life. Perhaps, and stay with me on this one because its pretty crazy, the OP and her FI are two ADULTS and are in love with each other. Maybe, just maybe, they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. Why should they have to wait another 5-7 years? Is there some sort of secret timeline that no one else but you knows about? Just wondering.</div>

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-my-mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3e6f570a-d811-45c5-b031-f9db57c8f1c1Post:a559cab4-bc44-46b4-ba90-26d7fef9779a">Help with my mother? (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the story: I got engaged to my FI last December, the wedding is this December (five months from today).  At that point, we had been dating for 15 months, and unofficially living together for awhile.  The thing is, we're both in college.  We're both 20, will be 21 on the wedding date.  My parents are both insisting that I am too young to be married.  That's fine, I can respect their opinions, but I disagree and want to be married to my FI before we move away to grad school next spring <strong>(also, my dad married my mom at 19, so he can't really talk)</strong>.  <strong><em><u>THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE CAN TALK.  HE'S BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT.  JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER DOENS'T MEAN HE DOESN'T LOOK BACK AND WISH HE HAD WAITED A COUPLE MORE YEARS. </u></em></strong> I am financially independent, and my FI and I have our own apartment and pay our own bills, so it's not like I need my parents to support me, at least financially.  My FI and I are also covering the costs of the wedding, so I'm not asking them to pay for it. The problem is, my mother has (in my opinion) severely overreacted.  My dad said I was too young but it's my decision, but my mom has started refusing to acknowledge that I'm getting married.  She tells people I'm not getting married until March even though I told her it was December.  I called to ask her her family's addresses so I could send out save the dates and she refused to talk to me.  This was two months ago.  She talks to me about other things, but if you bring up the wedding she goes beserk, yelling and refusing to talk about it.  I talked to my dad about it and he said he honestly thinks there's a chance she won't show up to the wedding.  Also, I can't send out save the dates because I have no way of getting them to her family, and I wanted to send them out two months ago.  However, if my mom is not going to attend, I will not be inviting her family (with whom I am on poor terms). I don't know what to do because I literally cannot talk to her, every time I try she shuts it down.  I need to at least get the save the dates out soon, but I don't know if I should send them to her family if there's a chance that my mom won't come, and I can't even send them until I can talk to her about it. Please give some advice!
Posted by colleenetman[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm a MOB with 4 grown daughters.  I got married the first time at 20.  That means I've been a very young bride and a MOB so I can see through both sets of eyes.  Please see the part I put in bold and give your dad a bit of credit.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm not going to get into the "it will never work" argument because I certainly do wish you a long and happy marriage.  I will say that I wish you were waiting 2 or 3 more years but you are adults and have made a decision.</div><div>
</div><div>I will say this - when people post about their relatives who have married 45-50 years and got married so young, it kind of peeves me right off.  It was a drastically different time in history and most women went straight from their daddy's house to their husband's and starting pumping out babies.  The mindset on divorce and even having the means to get out of a bad marriage was like something on a different planet and the correlation between couples then and now is like night and day.  45 - 50 years ago a guy could get a job, keep it til he retired, provide for his family on one check, never worry about a medical bill, and he might not even be a high school grad!  It was a different time and most people wouldn't even think about divorce.  It was scandalous.  That is so far from the truth today.</div><div>
</div><div>I say all that as I step off my soapbox because you can't compare those couples to people today - it is just a pet peeve of mine.</div><div>
</div><div>Anyhoo OP - most of my family boycotted my first wedding because they didn't think I was old enough (moved out on my own 6 days after high school, never looked back, was in college, and paying all of my bills).  You need to be prepared that your mom may very well not come to your wedding.  I do hope it doesn't come to that.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you should have a chat with your dad and ask him to at least help with the communication with your mother.  You can acknowledge to him that you understand his (their) viewpoint and you agree to disagree.  What can't continue is your mother lying about your wedding and going off like she is BSC.  She is making things far worse by lying about your date, and doing what she is doing.  He could be stepping up to the plate here and at least helping with communication.</div><div>
</div><div>I've been in your shoes.... you may not have here there but it would be good to at least be able to talk intelligently.  The addresses for invitations aren't your biggest issue right now.  Try one more time to at least talk to them.  I truly do wish you the best.

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