What did you compromise?

Simply Fated

I love the 'new' ideas I've read on these forums, like having cupcakes instead of cake, since everyone we know prefers cupcakes to cake. It just makes sense to me. I mean... he hates cake, so you would think he wouldn't care. But he does.

In fact, he cares about a lot of things.

Despite us both being incredibly shy, he insists on a grand entrance.

A white dress is mandatory, even if it makes me look like a pasty ghost.

I told him that it's fine to have uneven sides because "friends aren't props in plays" and he was, like, "yeah, but for pictures it looks retarded."

He says he has to have a Best Man because, well, who else will give the speech and sign the marriage certificate?
And, yes, the best man speech is mandatory.

OH, and if my friends would really be miserable giving speeches and doing things the bridal parties are "supposed to do," I should "ask different friends."

We're not engaged, this topic just came up because we went to a wedding the other day and this started as a fun topic of conversation.
But, like, he honestly thinks a wedding should be something you "have to suffer" though because it's what everyone expects. *facepalm*

So, besides using this thread as a rant, I was just wondering... what are some things you guys had to compromise on with your fiances/boyfriends/girlfriends/what ever on your wedding day?

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f0eccda-50f8-4d3e-ae54-f5ba6db48ef4Post:ea575a4d-19f7-45e4-b18f-21f12373ac1a">What did you compromise?</a>:
[QUOTE]I love the 'new' ideas I've read on these forums, like having cupcakes instead of cake, since everyone we know prefers cupcakes to cake. It just makes sense to me. I mean... he hates cake, so you would think he wouldn't care. But he does. In fact, he cares about a lot of things. Despite us both being incredibly shy, he insists on a grand entrance. A white dress is mandatory, even if it makes me look like a pasty ghost. I told him that it's fine to have uneven sides because "friends aren't props in plays" and he was, like, "yeah, but for pictures it looks retarded." He says he has to have a Best Man because, well, who else will give the speech and sign the marriage certificate? And, yes, the best man speech is mandatory. OH, and if my friends would really be miserable giving speeches and doing things the bridal parties are "supposed to do," I should "ask different friends." We're not engaged, this topic just came up because we went to a wedding the other day and this started as a fun topic of conversation. But, like, he honestly thinks a wedding should be something you "have to suffer" though because it's what everyone expects. *facepalm* So, besides using this thread as a rant, I was just wondering... what are some things you guys had to compromise on with your fiances/boyfriends/girlfriends/what ever on your wedding day?
<p>Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]</p><p> </p><p>I'm not seeing the point at which your BF is proposing a compromise in his views, although discussion around expectations is a positive thing. </p><p> </p><p>But in any case, I compromised on the 'vision' I had for the invites because they were H's domain... and they came out gorgeously and I was really happy, so it ended up not really being a true compromise although they were different to what I had pictured, they were just as 'us' (although the time frame by which they were done was definitely beyond that which I felt was 'acceptable', but H is male, I'm afraid). Oh, and he had 'happy birthday to you' played while we were cutting the cake, but that wasn't a compromise at all because it was completely unplanned and so ridiculous I knew it had to be his doing, haha. What else? We had different views on other things, but most of them ended in true compromises, whereby we were both happy with the outcome. The majority of his ideas were really awesome, and I had to pull myself away from the 'but that's not traditional!' reaction to realise that hey, that is an awesome idea.</p><p> </p><p>I would say that the compromises made for the wedding were more with family than they were with each other. I compromised with his sister on the idea of dictating everything (she was convinced that hair, jewellery, shoes etc had to match- we settled with dress and hairpin for the girls, even though she was still a little uncomfortable on the lack of 'matching'), and with my mother on numerous aspects (although the issue which was biggest for her was cake boxes- so bizarre, but we let her do what she wanted). There were more, but this is an essay response so I will stop re-living now! </p>

akhensley81

Simply- I think it's a great thing that you're both setting expectations early on! Now you know what he thinks is important (for whatever reason)... and you can start to talk about it or at least keep it in mind and work toward it. Once you're engaged, let your MOH know early that you'd like her to give a speech so she has plenty of time to plan. H and I had a similar conversation about uneven sides, and actually had already thought about who we'd want in the BP long before we started planning the wedding. This conversation you had could definitely be a good thing!!

That being said, one big "compromise" I had was the camo vests. H wanted camo. Originally I wanted my main color to be purple, but once we established the camo idea I realized that might not be possible. I did have to talk him down from full camo to just the vests... I found an online tux builder that actually had a camo vest pattern so I could show him what it would look like. One of the first things we did was go out to fabric stores until we found a camo pattern that we could both agree on... there was no way in helll I was going to let him use the traditional Army camo but the one we found seemed less hillbillyish. Then we took the fabric swatch to David's Bridal so I could see what color(s) for BM dresses matched. That's how we came up with the light green (peridot)... and the rest was history.

We had a photo slideshow at the reception, and that was H's idea too. I wasn't originally planning on it, but he saw one at another wedding and became dead set that he wanted us to make one. Then he fought me tooth and nail to use the song Fred Bear by Ted Nugent for "his" section of the pictures.... I finally just caved because he felt so strongly about it. (It's a 7+ minute long song, ugh.) What was funny was after it was all said and done, we were sitting at the reception with the slideshow playing.... and he leaned over to me and said, "This song is a little long, isn't it?" Haha.

SpookieCat

I agree with Sun that it is good for you to discuss options and opinions now before you are actually faced with having to make these decisions.

I had to make very few compromises with DH - he really just didn't have much by way of opinions.  The only things he WAS super passionate about were NOT having a wedding cake (we had 10 different ones instead) and serving BBQ for dinner, which was fine by me.  Granted, that suited our backyard wedding quite well.  I actually think when I mentioned we could get BBQ catered that was when he decided to propose...

My family, on the other hand, had quite a few different ideas than I did.  Similar to your BF: You MUST have a cake, you MUST have even sides, you MUST yadda yadda.  My stepmom commented (after the fact) that everything I skipped or changed wasn't that important in the end and she didn't even notice it. She also applauded me on my apparent talent for convincing people that what I wanted was really what they wanted too.  It's a skill.

Whenever it comes up, continue to discuss different options with your BF and you may come up with some new solutions.  DH couldn't choose a Best Man, so we had his brother sign the licence (Gordon is not a talker) and his friend since pre-school say the speech, and the other friend gave the toast to the hosts (my Aunt and Uncle) and to the out of town guests, etc.

Check my bio for pics of an uneven wedding party.  Most people who attended the wedding didn't even notice. 

[Deleted User]

There were not many things we compromised on bc my husband pretty much didn't care about a lot of the details. The things he really cared about were the cake & food tastings and selections and of course, the music.

The other thing that comes to mind is the attire for the GM. My alltime favorite colors have always been purple and aqua/teal. Well, I wanted the GM to wear the aqua color bc I knew there was no way in hell he would want them to wear purple. Once we started looking at the tuxes, there was an issue with the aqua colored vests all coming in the same pattern as what we wanted for my husband's tux. So, we compromised (and I am so glad it worked out that way) after the lady suggested tossing in an accent color of silver, which we did. We did all of the GM in silver tuxes while my husband's tux was a diamond white color to match my dress.

kayakrunhike

I can see your BF being one of the ones who insists on the girls wearing the same style dresses, shoes and hair as well.  It doesn't really sound like he's compromising at all, it is you who is doing everything he wants.  Anyway.  I hope you can talk some sense into him and bring him around to what a wedding is really about, since you seem to have your head on straight.    And btw, I'm a pasty girl myself.  My dress was a creamy ivory color but still was 'white'.  It looked great, and didn't enhance my pastiness at all.  It's doable!

As for things I compromised on- truthfully, there was only one major thing.  The only thing DH insisted on was having a larger wedding.  130 people is where we ended up.  I really, really wanted to have a small wedding.  As in, 30 people or less.  He's lived close to his entire family his whole life, while I've seen most of mine  once a year or less.  It was really important to him, so  I caved.  I'll be honest, I regretted it every single second, up until the day of.  Now, I'm so glad that we did it with a larger group. 

[Deleted User]

I have an issue with the fact that he says things are "mandatory." Is he going to force you to wear a white dress even though you don't want to? Is he going to force you to make a grand entrance even though it makes you uncomfortable? Where exactly is he compromising here while demanding you do the things he wants? And he tells you to get different friends because they won't be your wedding slaves and make speeches? I hope he was joking, otherwise he sounds like a jerk. Maybe I'm too uptight or reading it wrong, but that bugs me.

In any case, I had to compromise on the music. I wanted soft, romantic music with some of our favorite bands thrown in to mix it up a little (Queen, Shinedown, etc). He insisted on the Doors. I hate the Doors, but gave in because music was his big important thing and we agreed on certain songs.

We also compromised on the guest list. He wanted to invite any and everyone he'd ever met and I wanted a small wedding. So there was a lot of compromise on who we would invite and that took forever. Other than that, he pretty much let me take the reigns and plan it the way I wanted.

kaederose

Discussing things now is good, and you might find that once planning starts a lot of expectations fall by the wayside.  I do feel compelled to say I agree with some PPs that your boyfriend sounds a bit like a jerk if he's telling you to pick different people so he can have his speeches and perfect photos.  He's in for BIG disappointment when his wedding goes like every other wedding in history and *gasp* isn't perfect.

For us, I had to compromise on the bouquet toss (he wants one, I hate it), the first dance (he wanted one and I didn't), the vows (he wanted to say the long type, and I pared it down to just saying "I do"), and a lot of other little things.  For us though, my parents paid for the whole thing except the marriage license and my flowers (my FI did those), so we followed the "he who pays, decides" rule.  That meant I got a lot of what I wanted because my parents asked for my opinion and what I thought should happen. 

I also got a lot of what I wanted because FI didn't/doesn't understand why one must plan a wedding months in advance - I heard "why are you doing that now?  We still have ____ months left!" more times than I care to think about.

baystateapple

We argued endlessly on the color scheme --  he vetoed everything I liked as "too girly" before we settled on dark red, ivory, and chocolate brown.  Now in hindsight it seems so stupid.  Except I'm glad I put my foot down when he told me he wanted "red and navy blue", for a Boston Red Sox color scheme.

We also compromised on the cake -- he wanted chocolate on chocolate, I argued that not a lot of people like chocolate on chocolate.  We compromised by having half his flavors, and half a white cake with buttercream and raspberry filling.

MrsMLRB

I always wanted to have a small wedding in my uncles backyard in Hawaii (where my parents got married). FI was insistent that a wedding is about celebration for all your friends and family. He also wanted a kosher wedding within the city limits of Chicago. I had to give up the small wedding in Hawaii, he had to give up the kosher caterer and being in the city (for budgetary purposes).

Guest list has also been a huge issue. We eventually compromised that all our mutual friends would go on his list because originally he was getting all his family and tons of friends and I only had my family and wedding party.

Compromise is good and sometimes it takes awhile to come to those compromises. FI and I are both stubborn and convinced we are always right so sometimes it takes us awhile to come up with a good compromise.

GL!

AliGirl11

Wow, I cannot imagine H being that opinionated.  In fact, I'm trying really hard to think of something I wanted to do that he didn't...

I guess maybe the number of attendants.  I only wanted my 2 sisters originally, but he had 3 he wanted.  I know you don't have to do an even number of attendants, but we wanted to.  Somehow we ended up with 4 each in the end. 

He definitely wouldn't have wanted me to use purple or pink I don't think, but since I didn't want those colors either it was not an issue.  That's all I got.  Wow, my H is easy.  I need to appreciate that more...

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My H wanted a dollar dance. I didn't compromise on that, though. He wanted to register, so we did, and it was actually quite fun.

The biggest compromise I made though was when my dad wanted to walk me down to aisle. In the end, it was fine, it didn't matter. 

jerseydevil

It's good that you're discussing these things now, so you know what to expect. That said, FI and I aren't compromising on a whole lot bc we both have similar tastes. Time will tell as the wedding gets closer, but so far it's been pretty easy to pick things out and discuss our wants.

mica178

One thing that H and I did was figure out what was most important to us.  If I cared about something to which he was indifferent, well, then my vision prevailed.  And vice versa.  H had certain things on which he insisted: even wedding party sides, "traditional" processionals.  He vetoed the cake baker I had my heart set on since I was about 9 (I'm much happier with the cake we ended up with in the end) as well as my original bridesmaids dress color (again, things turned out better the new way).  I managed to talk him out of a choreographed first dance, a "grand entrance," matching BM dresses/shoes/accessories, and a handful of other things that only exist in early 90s weddings.  All in all, I think we balanced out each other's bad ideas and ended up with a pretty darned awesome wedding.

zippityb

H wouldn't let me add any RuPaul songs to the reception playlist. Not even Tranny Chaser.

NuggetBrain

Surprisingly, not much.  The main things that were important to him (an open bar, really good food and a late-night snack) were also important to me.  Everything besides the "major" decisions for him (venues, officiant, and DJ) he just let me run with it.  We did squabble over the colors - I wanted green and purple but he didn't like that combo, and I didn't like green and blue, so we settled pretty easily on gray and yellow. 

Pirata13

We really agreed on most things, so there was never much tension in that regard. The one thing though was we had planned on pics at the church, and chosen one outdoor location. My H really wanted TWO outdoor spots. But we also wanted to keep on a tight timeline so we left the guests for cocktail hour truly no more than an hour. And also we wanted more unique spots (there are a couple spots here where EVERYONE gets pics taken) but not far to stay within time frame. Then I spotted a location close to my work, which is close to our neighborhood and church, mentioned it to H, and he agreed. So we were both happy and the pics at both locations turned out really cool, and we made it to the hall with time to spare! 

parker624

We conflicted on wedding colors, but in the end neither of us compromised.  Our bridesmaid dresses were an inky blue/purple and the flowers were blues,purples, greens.  H wanted Pittsburgh Penguins colors, so the groomsmen wore gold colored ties and the table cloths were gold. 

compromise!

Simply Fated

Wow ladies, thank you for your replies! This made me feel a lot better.
I noticed a lot of your compromises were about the colors and the cake... and some were even about uneven sides. That last one surprised me, to be honest.

I tried to reply to everyone, but if not I'm sorry. I read every reply and I promise that although I might not have replied to you, I took your answer to heart.

thesuninherhead:
I'm not seeing the point at which your BF is proposing a compromise in his views, although discussion around expectations is a positive thing.
So far he isn't. But we still have a ways to go, so hopefully he'll become more flexible as will I.

akhensley81:
My friends and I already talk about how we're not doing speeches at each other's weddings. Luckily my bf said that it's only mandatory for the Best man and not the maid of honor to give the speech, so my friends are apparantly safe lol.

SpookieCat:
I agree, too. I'm glad we talked about it, even though the conversation did not go well. And thank you for the pics, I am dying to show him how unnoticeable uneven sides really are.

MissySue20:
Yeah, my bf started out by saying he doesn't care about the details.. but clearly he does lol. I love purple and maybe that would be something he'd be willing to compromise. hmmm...

kayakrunhike:
I can see him trying to dictate matchy-matchy outfits, as well. My friends would never go for it and would just refuse, as they should. Unfortunately, the fall-out from that could potentially be bad. And, no, it doesn't sound to me like he's compromising, either. He pretty much told me that I could do what ever I want, as long as it's what he wants.
And he already vetoed cream or anything off-white. It has to be white. I thought about it last night and I'm not above having him come with me and my best friend dress shopping so he can see for himself.


 Seshat411:
Is he going to force you to wear a white dress even though you don't want to?
Well, he can't physically force me too, but he talked as if anything else makes our marriage invalid.
Is he going to force you to make a grand entrance even though it makes you uncomfortable?
Yup. And he's just as shy as I am, so at least he'll be miserable, too.
Where exactly is he compromising here while demanding you do the things he wants?
He's not compromising. I'm hoping that will change, though.
And he tells you to get different friends because they won't be your wedding slaves and make speeches? I hope he was joking, otherwise he sounds like a jerk.
He was partially joking, but mostly he's just confused. He believes what he sees and he's never seen weddings with, like, uneven sides before, for instance.
Maybe I'm too uptight or reading it wrong, but that bugs me.
It really bugged me, too.


lovethebeach16:
Is he really traditional with other things too?
Not really. This all took me by surprise.

kaederose:
He does sound like a jerk, which really sucks because he is SO not a jerk at all.

baystateapple:
Well, lucky for me my boyfriend is a Yankees fan like I am.
Can you believe that the cake filling is the one thing we agreed on. And it was anything but chocolate on chocolate. Well, I don't want it for the same reason you mentioned and he doesn't want it because he said it doesn't look pretty.

MrsMLRB:
GL!
Thank you!

ohwhynot
it sems that your boyfriend is kind of stuck on what a wedding should be - a cookie cutter approach.
This, exactly. I even used this term to him in our conversation.
Maybe your boyfriend just needs to see more weddings to realize that there are LOTS of wonderful ways to be married. 
According to his estimation, he's been to about 30 weddings and they all had  cookie-cutter guidelines. And that's the cause of my problems, imo. Even the wedding we went to the other day had the cookie-cutter approach. Unfortunately he had blinders on to the negative aspects, like how the bridesmaids all came up to me at some point and laughed about their dictated jewelry and dresses.

BlueBoxBride

Compromises I made for him: 

- My Fi wanted me in a long gown... I wanted a white mini dress because I work out with a personal trainer once a week religiously and would rather show my legs/hard work off! 

- Having a formal wedding at a hotel. I wanted to do the ceremony in a park and then have a dinner party reception at a great restaurant with a courtyard or roof top dining. 

- I let him pick out the StD design

- We chose to have the wedding in HIS hometown (Chicago) since his side will have more guests and it's still easy for my side to catch flights in. 

Compromises HE made for ME: 

- We booked the most expensive venue we looked at, because it seemed more "me"... I think once the manager said, "And this chandelier was inspired by a vintage Chanel brooch..." he knew we were booking the high fashion venue. 

- We're having cheese fries for our late night snack and during the cocktail hour, pigs in a blanket per my father's request

- We won't be having a kosher reception

- He's letting me pick the flavor of the wedding cake (I want chocolate with a mint julep filling). 

mandysmear

I don't think there were any really.  We both made a lot of decisions together.  There was nothing we disagreed on.  Weird. 

Julz629

DH kind of let me make most decisions.  When he did have an opinion on something, I (usually) gave him his way since I wanted him to feel like it was his day.  These are the things he was adamant on:

Fall wedding - I didn't want a long engagement so I would have opted for spring, but he had his heart set on fall.

Appetizers - even though we weren't around for appetizers (taking pictures), he was insistant on these steak fajita cone things.

First dance song - He loves Heaven by Bryan Adams.  I basically hate it.  But he had his heart set on it.

The one thing I didn't compromise on?  The bouquet/garter toss.  He wanted it.  For me, it's extrememly uncomfortable and I hate it.  There was NO WAY I was doing it.

aggiebug

Your BF sounds exactly like my FI.  Once we were engaged and talking wedding stuff I remember thinking "when did he become so opinionated??"  And he too expects a cookie cutter wedding b/c that is what he is used to, and thinks it is required.

The wedding dress being white argument came up in front of his parents and I just broke out laughing.  There is no way I was going to get a white dress, knowing that I would look like a ghost in it.  His mom was on my side it was pretty funny.  I pointed out that there are several weddings that we as a couple have been to where the wedding dress was not white and he had no clue. 

We are having even sides for him. (but shockingly he is ok with different dresses for the girls )

We actually both agreed that if the MOH/ BM want to give speeches they can give them at the RD not the reception.  That is an option for a compramise maybe?

We are not doing a bouquet toss (my choice) but I letting him do the garter toss. (although we are subconciously working that one out of the schedule)

And on a lot of stuff that we registered for.  Just found out the guy doesn't like the color brown, except for dirt and wood.  Glasses have to have a certain weight, and silverware can't be round, black for the bedroom....  He kept making me laugh with his opinions! 

DramaGeek

The whole wedding was a compromise.  I wanted to elope, he wanted a huge wedding with everyone we've ever met.  My parents were paying and they sided with him   Guess who ended up planning most of the damn thing though.

I also didn't want to wear a dress, but he and my dad ganged up on me and insisted.  They didn't bat an eye when I announced I was going to wear tennis shoes though.

I'm sure there are other things but I'm not remembering them right now.

feminivy

My fiance wanted all kinds of things like chocolate fountains and a car or limo to take us to the reception site.  I made a budget spreadsheet with the costs of every detail, and that nipped his demands in the bud. 

lovetruly06

  Me and my FI are still in the planning stage, so the only thing that is really a compromise right now is the wedding it's self. He wanted a fall wedding, I always wanted to get married on the beach during the summer. But not I LOVE the idea of a fall wedding, LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
   I've pretty much planned the whole wedding while he was away this week so I'm sure we will have lost to talk about when he gets back,  but a few other things we have already talk about are
         - The day, he wanted to get married on his birthday, I said no, I really want hi b-day so stay that and our wedding and following anniversaries to stay their own day. Don't really know why since they will only be a day apart. I just do. 

        - The BM's dresses, like you my FI thinks everyone needs to match. YUCK. Im a fashion student and Im a big fan of weddings in general, and I will NOT have all my girls looking the same. Part of it is my party is so wide spread, from size 2 to 22 and from pasty white skin (she's my sister so I can say that) to my youngest sister who is darker then me.
                The solution: I've decided to go with 2 colors that will look good on all the girls skin tones, some will wear one color and some will wear te other. And I designed a skirt that all the girls will wear. Then all the girls can pick their own style top that they want, and I will draw then out to match the skirt.
               This way each girl gets to wear what their comfortable in and it still looks pulled together. And they can do what ever they want their hair and stuff.
               But I havent shared this idea with him yet.

        -  The cake, the was really no big deal for us neither we both loved the idea of a dessert table so we're going to have that and opt for a smaller cake. Because not everoney we know likes cake and we also know a lot of diabetics. This way every one gets something they like. For me its alot of cheesecake:)

  The only thing I think im going to have to convince him of is the theme, and I think I can get away with that if I dont go over bored haha well see!

  I hope this helps you, and good luck with it come time!

dana0212

My FI also has an opinion for everything. So far he has said he will not wear pink and none of the GM will wear pink.  Our colors are pink, black and white.  So we are doing pink flowers.  He is picking the favors and the food.  We have had serval disagreements of the cake and finally compromised on one.  He didn't care what photographer I pick but he cares about the poses and the locations.  We are trying to make our decisions together.  If one of us feels strongly on something they usally get it.