I'm stuck about the name changing

eileen1086

Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married. The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off. I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also. My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife? I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married. I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use. I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use.
Am I out of line for being upset by this?

Bkseller13

I wouldn't worry.  She can call herself whatever she wants, but it's not legal. When you change your name it'll be legal.

dumdumfroggie

You can be upset if you want, but there's really nothing you can do about it.  Though it is a bit odd.  And frankly, the whole situation sounds like a bad soap opera.

In the end it is YOUR decision on whether you change your name or not, and no one can make the decision for you.  Just think it through as calmly as possible and try not to use your obvious spite and hatred for T make the decision for you.

starrynight84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:8c43d54d-2c84-45bc-9af3-d3f728bf752f">I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married. The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off. I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also. My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife? I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married. I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use. I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use. Am I out of line for being upset by this?
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I hope you feel better after venting! I think you are definitely overreacting. Just take a few deep breaths. He's not married to her, he's marrying you. He has no control over what name she chooses to use. There will be lots of women with the same last name as the two of you. That doesn't make it less special. </div><div>
</div><div>You also need to work through why you feel such a strong animosity towards his ex. It's his <strong>ex </strong>for a reason. You shouldn't be feeling so incredibly threatened.</div>

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:8c43d54d-2c84-45bc-9af3-d3f728bf752f">I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married.<div>
</div><div>The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off.</div><div>
</div><div>I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. </div><div>
</div><div>My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also.</div><div>
</div><div>My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife? I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married.</div><div>
</div><div>I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use. Am I out of line for being upset by this?
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div><strong>In short, your FI officially engaged once, and unofficially engaged once, both before you came along.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div><strong>Unofficial FI to your FI was BSC and used his name although they were never officially engaged or married, and it bothers you that your FI was ok with this. You want to change your name to his, but you are frustrated that he didn't 'save' his name for you, and you want to know if you're entitled to this opinion.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>IMO, all of that happened before you, and there's nothing you can do to change the past. You said he doesn't even talk to the BSC ex-FI anymore, so it's not like he still refers to her as Susie Jones when her name is really Susie Jacobs. </div><div>
</div><div>I get being upset about it, but I also think that you may be a little sensitive about the subject.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:8c43d54d-2c84-45bc-9af3-d3f728bf752f">I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married. The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off. I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also. My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife? I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married. I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use. I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use. Am I out of line for being upset by this?
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

You're upset because she used his last name in an email address and on facebook?  How exactly was he supposed to "protect" his name?  This sounds like a kind of petty and immature thing to be upset about.  I would not let it bother me. 

baystateapple

While I can respect that her behavior would be very upsetting to you, I don't understand how her using his name on her email address is your FI's fault.  How could he have stopped her from doing this?  Anyone can change their email address to someone else's name.  Just because I make my email "mrsryangosling@hotmail.com" doesn't mean that Ryan Gosling himself has given me permission to use his name.

Coghoot12

I think your anger is a little misplaced.

You said that he allowed her to go by his name and even seemed to encourage it.  Calling her psycho for doing something that your FI allowed at the time is unfair. 

All that being said, you aren't marrying this guy in a vacuum.  People have a past, whether it's good or bad.  You need to move past this prior relationship if you are going to have a future. 

HockeyFan4

You can feel however you want, but I think it is weird that you are bothered by this. 

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:8c43d54d-2c84-45bc-9af3-d3f728bf752f">I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married. The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off. I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also. My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, <strong>but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife?</strong> I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married. I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use. I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use. Am I out of line for being upset by this?
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

Yes you are "really off" for feeling this way.  I really think you need to let this go.  If you want to take his last name, take it.  If not, don't.  I'm confused as to why you would let his ex girl friends' actions effect your decision though.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:5c81aa24-dda0-4e10-b0c1-0897c6013750">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you are over reacting.  Would you feel the same if he had an actual exwife?
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:5c81aa24-dda0-4e10-b0c1-0897c6013750">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you are over reacting. <strong> Would you feel the same if he had an actual exwife?
</strong>Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I was going to wonder the same thing.

Honestly, I think it's strange to let this be a deciding factor of whether or not to take his name.  If this hadn't happened, would you want to take his name? That should be your answer. 

It seems strange to stomp your feet in protest that you don't want his name anymore if she's going to use it (unlegally). 

ahhhitsshannyn

Actually, he did "protect" his name for his future wife, since they were engaged when she started using his name. He thought he was going to marry this girl. Yes, shiiit changes, but I am sure he never expected that this would be a problem since he was sure he was going to marry her. You don't think like that when you are engaged.

Does the ex still use his name? I bet when she gets a new husband/boyfriend she will start using his name and it will be all over. Stop working yourself up over this, because really, almost everyone shares a last name with someone in the world, it's really not a big deal at all.

ahhhitsshannyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:8c43d54d-2c84-45bc-9af3-d3f728bf752f">I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm torn about my feelings about changing my name. My FI has been officially engaged once (M) before as well as unofficially once (T) but never been married. The official engagement has never bothered me but the unofficial really does. Why I say unofficial is because if I ask him about these two people he says he only counts M as any engagement because he got her a ring and asked her but never got the chance to get T a ring or ask because of some really crazy events that happened, an accident, being told she died but didn’t, then finding out she was alive a few months later, trying to get her to move cross country to his house, to finally him flying out to get her when they agreed and she had taken off. I really hate hearing about T, I get an upset stomach just thinking about her. He hates her also now so he never brings her up or anything. Any way I know my FI wants me to take his name when we get married. I have no attachment to my name (my father killed himself and was very abusive to me before that when I was 4 years old) and always planned on changing it when I got married. My problem is that T used my FI last name in a personal way even though they were never married or “engaged”. She had email addresses (yes more than one) and a Facebook account all using his name and he called her by him last name also. My point is I still want to take his last name when we get married and for everyone to have the same name when we have kids, but am I really off base that it bothers me he didn’t protect his name for his future wife? I feel a bit like I’m getting someone else’s leftovers because this psycho botch before me used it even though they weren’t married. <strong>I want to also say if they had actually been married this wouldn’t bother me, I almost got engaged a few years ago to someone who had been married before and the idea of me taking his last name even though his ex-wife had used it didn’t bother me because that’s just it, she was his wife and it was her name to use.</strong> I guess I just want to vent how much I hate that T used what is going to be my name when it wasn’t her’s to use. Am I out of line for being upset by this?
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

Chels and Edie, your answer is buried in the OP.

eileen1086

It bothers me because I know he liked it when she did it. I know it's stupid but I guess its just I've always looked forward to having  someone's name that wasn't my father's. My last name has always been a sore spot, my mom had my step dad's, my brother had his dad's and I always carried the one of someone who didn't love me enough to not abuse me or to be there to watch me grow up. Hell my dad's family even blamed me for his suicide, I was 4. FI has asked me a few times to put my initials down on personal stuff as ECB rather than ECE and every time it hurt to remember he asked someone else to do the same. I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed with "Daddy issues" and I need to let it go.

Kate61487

I got the email KateH'slast@gmail.com before we were engaged.    We'd already been together 3 years and I never actually used it.  But It was when I was graduating college and KateMaiden@gmail.com turned out to already be taken so I had to add my middle initial, and I thought "hmm I wonder" and when it turned out to be free I registered it because I expected one day I'd want it.  It then sat unused for two years... 

Anyway, like PPs said you can't change anything about what happened in his past; and he didn't necessarily have the ability to control her behavior anyway.  You have every right to feel however you're gonna feel, but you really need to get over it if you want your "happily ever after". 

pokepoke27

Ditto PPs. Let it go.

And threadjack - Chelsea, I love your new sig!!! : )

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:f0d63bee-37db-4176-8bcc-431f9bedf338">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]It bothers me because I know he liked it when she did it. I know it's stupid but I guess its just I've always looked forward to having  someone's name that wasn't my father's. My last name has always been a sore spot, my mom had my step dad's, my brother had his dad's and I always carried the one of someone who didn't love me enough to not abuse me or to be there to watch me grow up. Hell my dad's family even blamed me for his suicide, I was 4. <strong>FI has asked me a few times to put my initials down on personal stuff as ECB rather than ECE and every time it hurt to remember he asked someone else to do the same.</strong> I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed with "Daddy issues" and I need to let it go.
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

Am I the only one that thinks it's super weird of him to be pushing his last name on girls he's not married to?  H was very much looking forward to my taking his name, but he never tried to call me that before we were actually married....

OP you can always change your name to something else entirely.  You could take your mom's new last name, or change it to Princess Sophia Bananahammock.  You don't have to wait for a marriage license to shed the name of a father you don't want to be associated with.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:7fa3844a-8a50-4944-961c-aa02ef6302f2">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to I'm stuck about the name changing : Chels and Edie, your answer is buried in the OP.
Posted by ahhhitsshannyn[/QUOTE]

Thanks. I guess I glossed over at the end there.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:b3b24664-55c5-4084-8280-a90e7bf31044">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm stuck about the name changing : <strong>Am I the only one that thinks it's super weird of him to be pushing his last name on girls he's not married to?</strong>  H was very much looking forward to my taking his name, but he never tried to call me that before we were actually married.... OP you can always change your name to something else entirely.  You could take your mom's new last name, or change it to Princess Sophia Bananahammock.  You don't have to wait for a marriage license to shed the name of a father you don't want to be associated with.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Nope.  That's definitely odd.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:f0d63bee-37db-4176-8bcc-431f9bedf338">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]It bothers me because I know he liked it when she did it. I know it's stupid but I guess its just I've always looked forward to having  someone's name that wasn't my father's. My last name has always been a sore spot, my mom had my step dad's, my brother had his dad's and I always carried the one of someone who didn't love me enough to not abuse me or to be there to watch me grow up. Hell my dad's family even blamed me for his suicide, I was 4. FI has asked me a few times to put my initials down on personal stuff as ECB rather than ECE and every time it hurt to remember he asked someone else to do the same. <strong>I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed with "Daddy issues" and I need to let it go.
</strong>Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

But shouldn't you be happy to get rid of your last name regardless then?  Who cares if she's a psycho who likes to pretend she's married to him.  You both have no connections to him.

And there are a lot of things your FI liked about her when they were together.. it doesn't mean he likes them now.  Try to let it go. Take his name, start a wonderful happy life together and forget about your asshole dad and his psycho ex.

brilibby4

OP your second post makes it seem like you can't wait to change your last name.  Now, I'm confused.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:f0d63bee-37db-4176-8bcc-431f9bedf338">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]It bothers me because I know he liked it when she did it. I know it's stupid but I guess its just I've always looked forward to having  someone's name that wasn't my father's. My last name has always been a sore spot, my mom had my step dad's, my brother had his dad's and I always carried the one of someone who didn't love me enough to not abuse me or to be there to watch me grow up. Hell my dad's family even blamed me for his suicide, I was 4. <strong>FI has asked me a few times to put my initials down on personal stuff as ECB rather than ECE and every time it hurt to remember he asked someone else to do the same.</strong> I guess I'm just getting overwhelmed with "Daddy issues" and I need to let it go.
Posted by eileen1086[/QUOTE]

<div>Okay, this is how I look at it. </div><div>
</div><div>Does it bother you that he most likely had sex with this woman? When he asks you to do something he likes, are you hurt to remember he has asked someone else to do the same? He had feelings for this girl, just as he does for you, but it didn't work out. End of story. It was before you, and what went on between them has nothing to do with you. </div><div>
</div><div>I also find it strange that he is pushing his last name on so many people. </div>

polichik

Ok, sorry to get all therapisty up in here, but OP I think you have bigger issues going on than the last name thing. My guess is that you're upset with or insecure about your FI's history with this woman, and you're focusing on the name thing as the scapegoat for your feelings. I'd take some time to ask yourself what else might be bothering you about his previous relationship and to have an honest discussion about it with him. Your FI was a voluntary party to the relationship as well, and demonizing a woman you've never met makes me wonder who you're really upset with.

Snippylynn

So, did he save his virginity for you also? Or you for him? No? Then what's the big deal. It's a name. You need to get over this crap. Seriously.

Beachy730

I also think it's weird that he's pushing girls to use his name before you're married.  It sounds very controlling and just weird.

Also, you have two separate issues going on here.  The negative feelings about your father and your last name, and the issue you have with his ex-FI.  However, they don't coincide, and aren't a result of eachother.  So don't blame you feelings on "daddy issues."

Plain and simple, I think you're being absolutely ridiculous.  He thought this was his future wife, and probably wasn't expecting to break up before the wedding, much like I'm sure you're not.  Should they have waited til after the wedding?  Yeah, probably, but what's done is done.  You need to get over it.  If you want to take his name, then take it.  Don't let his ex have any affect on that whatsoever.  

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:0486845a-3119-483e-a0e9-bf61928cf996">Re: I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]ALSO.  If you guys aren't already in some sort of premarital counseling, you should get on that, because I think you need it.  There's too much bullshit under the surface here and it will eat you alive.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I definitely second this. </div>

RamonaFlowers

If it wouldn't bother you if an ex-wife had the name, an ex-girlfriend (Who he never went through with marrying) using it shouldn't bug you.

I'm not saying the ex isn't crazy ... but your FI didn't exactly discourage the behavior, so he's just as much "at fault" if you want to go be angry about it ... but I really don't think this is something worth getting bent out of shape over.

ReturnOfKuus

This name thing is a red herring.  You suspect that this old girlfriend really is the love of his life, don't you?

nextrightthing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_im-stuck-about-the-name-changing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f2f6523-0620-49b0-b68a-67090ecdf7a2Post:351a12c6-95c9-4d8b-93ff-f138c1cb0bf5">Re:I'm stuck about the name changing</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, sorry to get all therapisty up in here, but OP I think you have bigger issues going on than the last name thing. My guess is that you're upset with or insecure about your FI's history with this woman, and you're focusing on the name thing as the scapegoat for your feelings. I'd take some time to ask yourself what else might be bothering you about his previous relationship and to have an honest discussion about it with him. Your FI was a voluntary party to the relationship as well, and demonizing a woman you've never met makes me wonder who you're really upset with.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

This.  Something about this girl threatens you.  Or maybe you are uncomfortable with your FI really trying to push his name on women to whom he is not yet married.

Meegles4

I agree with Poli, and I agree with Eagles. There's a lot under the surface here, both with the weirdness of your FI asking you to use his name before you're married (and likely did the same with the other girl), and your personal issues with your own name. My H definitely wanted me to take his last name, but he wasn't telling me to use his initials before we were married.

I'm not saying any of your feelings aren't valid, I'm just saying that I think you're placing a lot of emphasis on a name. If your current last name bothers you so much, why didn't you change it to your mother's maiden name or your step-father's (you can do that, right? I have no idea so maybe I'm wrong).

Either way, I do think a deeper look at the underlying issues is warranted here.

eileen1086

Not the love of his life otherwise he wouldn't have told her to get lost when she started lying to him and causing problems with his family. But he thought she was dead for 6 months after her neck was broken in the crashher sister hated him for the fact T would have moved cross country to be with him so sister told my FI T had died and then to have her be ok, she could walk and everything. It's just a lot to process. But I know without a doubt they are over on his end. It has been a few years since he would even return a text from her, and she stopped trying to talk to him over a year ago.