I know it's not "MY DAY" but...

StephBeanWed61502

I'd send out a message right now telling everyone to hold off on buying the dress, you are in the process of changing your mind.  Hopefully, no one has ordered yet.  For those who have, offer to do whatever you need to do to make the return easy and cost-free for them.

msuprincess04

Yeah, just scrap it and tell everyone that after thinking about it, you aren't sold on it and you'll keep looking.

And they can return it in store:

Simply bring the packing slip and credit card used when you placed the order to any one of our stores.

Meghannsix

I don't know girls, everyone on here is always saying that brides should privately check with BM's for their budget, and if the dress is above budget, the bride should cover the difference.  Now that someone is trying to do just that, everyone has issue with that as well.

StephBeanWed61502

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:28d832e0-5e4b-4cd0-be1d-e9c35c255339">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know girls, everyone on here is always saying that brides should privately check with BM's for their budget, and if the dress is above budget, the bride should cover the difference.  Now that someone is trying to do just that, everyone has issue with that as well.
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

You're over-simplifying a bit, I think.  The advice - as I've understood it - is that, if you have your heart set on a dress that's over someone's budget, the only acceptable way to "make" that person get the dress is by offering to cover the difference.  <em>However</em>, that doesn't mean you can <em>force</em> someone to accept your charity.  If a BM gave you a budget, and you offered to pay the difference for a dress that was over that budget and she declined, the best course of action is to go back to the drawing board and pick something everyone can afford.  Your ultimate goal is (or at least, should be) to make sure that <em>all</em> of your BMs are comfortable with the dress selected - if letting OP pay her way makes this BM uncomfortable, OP needs to go back to the drawing board.</div>

smileye90

I e-mailed all my girls to say I was thinking of going another direction with the dress.  I asked if they had already purchased it and 3 of them already have.  Of the three, two of them live over an hour away from the closest Nordstroms.  

I'm not trying to be difficult or defensive about things, but it seems far more rude and zilla-ish of me now to make two people drive 2 hours round trip because I "changed my mind".  Or at least this is what I told them.  Given this do people still think I should change the dress?  The two of them that live far from a Nordstoms do not live near me or I would have offered to just take it for them.  

I really thought I was solving the budget problem by offering to pay.  Now it's either come across as a super indecisive bride that doesn't respect people's time or make one feel uncomfortable.  I never told her that her contribution wasn't good enough or once implied that she wasn't spending enough.  I don't care what her reasons are for her budget, that's her budget and I'm not asking her to spend a dime more than that.  I can understand being a bit embarassed, but I just thought we had the type of friendship where one didn't have to put up fronts, or feel weird about things.  I mean that's why I asked her to be a BM in the first place!  

StephBeanWed61502

What about letting the girls who have the dress already wear it, and asking the remaining girls to get the different (less expensive) dress, or giving the girls who haven't already ordered the option of choosing between the two?

And you were generous to offer to pay, but please don't force your money down her throat just to have all your BMs in a certain dress.  She can't afford it and she's not comfortable taking your money - accept the situation for what it is and work with it, instead of continuously focusing on how it could be different.

pkontk

I can see why she balked then.  The dress is more than twice her budget, and even though you did offer to pay the difference I know I would have serious sticker shock opening the link initially.  Perhaps she was just reacting to you before thinking.

I agree with PPs that maybe you find a similar dress for a lower price.  If others have already paid for the original dress you can just allow her to wear the different one, or maybe open it up - those who want to buy the more expensive one may, those who do not may purchase the cheaper one.  I'm sure those who change their minds will be able to return the original dress.

LeiselEB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:5d2fba7b-7f91-42b5-b3ec-3500bb9477aa">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I e-mailed all my girls to say I was thinking of going another direction with the dress.  I asked if they had already purchased it and 3 of them already have.  Of the three, two of them live over an hour away from the closest Nordstroms.   I'm not trying to be difficult or defensive about things, but it seems far more rude and zilla-ish of me now to make two people drive 2 hours round trip because I "changed my mind".  Or at least this is what I told them.  Given this do people still think I should change the dress?  The two of them that live far from a Nordstoms do not live near me or I would have offered to just take it for them.   I really thought I was solving the budget problem by offering to pay.  Now it's either come across as a super indecisive bride that doesn't respect people's time or make one feel uncomfortable.  I never told her that her contribution wasn't good enough or once implied that she wasn't spending enough.  I don't care what her reasons are for her budget, that's her budget and I'm not asking her to spend a dime more than that.  I can understand being a bit embarassed, but I just thought we had the type of friendship where one didn't have to put up fronts, or feel weird about things.  I mean that's why I asked her to be a BM in the first place!  
Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I see your side of things. I would just be really upfront with the BM with the lower budget. Apologize for having picked a dress out of her budget and for making her feel uncomfortable by offering to split the difference, but explain that girls have already purchaed the dress. I think you two just need to talk it out and come to some sort of agreement (she can pay you back when she can, etc?). </div><div>
</div><div>I know I'd be pissed if I bought a dress and then the bride decided on another one, and if I were the first BM I wouldn't want the others to know why the dress had to be changed. </div><div>
</div><div>I just think at this point, the only solution that makes the most sense is to pay for the difference of the one dress. I get that the BM might be a little embarrassed but it just seems like the alternatives could become even more complicated and potentially embarrassing for he.</div>

mbrischoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:460b47f1-b8f8-4755-a9b4-76361ae5829a">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]Pick a new dress, since she's clearly very uncomfortable with the too-expensive one.  Not for nothing, if you post a pic of the dress you like in a thread over on Attire & Accessories along with the BM's budget, the ladies there can probably point you to similar dresses that all of your BMs can afford without too much trouble.  They're geniuses on that board with that kind of thing.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

This is an excellent idea.  I posted something similar about my hair (specifiucally bangs) in the beauty section and the ladies there were tremendously helpful in suggesting photos.  I'm sure the Attire board is more of the same help.

nychica636

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:5d2fba7b-7f91-42b5-b3ec-3500bb9477aa">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I e-mailed all my girls to say I was thinking of going another direction with the dress.  I asked if they had already purchased it and 3 of them already have.  Of the three, two of them live over an hour away from the closest Nordstroms.   I'm not trying to be difficult or defensive about things, but it seems far more rude and zilla-ish of me now to make two people drive 2 hours round trip because I "changed my mind".  Or at least this is what I told them.  Given this do people still think I should change the dress?  The two of them that live far from a Nordstoms do not live near me or I would have offered to just take it for them.   I really thought I was solving the budget problem by offering to pay.  Now it's either come across as a super indecisive bride that doesn't respect people's time or make one feel uncomfortable.  I never told her that her contribution wasn't good enough or once implied that she wasn't spending enough.  I don't care what her reasons are for her budget, that's her budget and I'm not asking her to spend a dime more than that.  I can understand being a bit embarassed, but I just thought we had the type of friendship where one didn't have to put up fronts, or feel weird about things.  I mean that's why I asked her to be a BM in the first place!  
Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]

Did they purchase from Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack? If just from Nordstrom, they do have free returns!

LetsHikeToday

I just don't understand why 3 people have the dress before you found out if the other BM was comfortable with you covering the cost. I'm in a tighter money situation than I ever have been before and am also planning showers and bachlorette parties for 2 friends. It sucks and is kinda embarrassing when things start to get too expensive. Maybe it isn't a big deal to you but it is to her. Why even ask the budget then?

saric83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:daf969c7-78d3-4347-b242-519cdd11f2b0">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : I see your side of things. I would just be really upfront with the BM with the lower budget. Apologize for having picked a dress out of her budget and for making her feel uncomfortable by offering to split the difference, but explain that girls have already purchaed the dress. I think you two just need to talk it out and come to some sort of agreement (she can pay you back when she can, etc?).  I know I'd be pissed if I bought a dress and then the bride decided on another one, and if I were the first BM I wouldn't want the others to know why the dress had to be changed.  I just think at this point, the only solution that makes the most sense is to pay for the difference of the one dress. I get that the BM might be a little embarrassed but it just seems like the alternatives could become even more complicated and potentially embarrassing for he.
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

This!  It would be different if the other girls hadn't purchased the dress, but now that they have, it makes things more complicated. Please do not have her just purchase a cheaper dress in that same color. If things were different from the get-go, that's a great idea. But now it would be very uncomfortable for her to answer the potential question of why they all have the same dress except for her. 

smileye90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:5fa40def-3b77-48ea-98a1-6fac617060dd">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't understand why 3 people have the dress before you found out if the other BM was comfortable with you covering the cost. I'm in a tighter money situation than I ever have been before and am also planning showers and bachlorette parties for 2 friends. It sucks and is kinda embarrassing when things start to get too expensive. Maybe it isn't a big deal to you but it is to her. Why even ask the budget then?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Because I didn't run it by her.  I figured as long as she only had to pay for what she felt comfortable paying it would fine, end of story.  I asked her budget to see what she could afford and I'm not asking her to pay more than that.  I've been stalking these boards for awhile and I thought that was the appropriate way to handle it.  </div>

smileye90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:72c610aa-cb7f-4ff0-b23c-9e43d47ea274">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : Did they purchase from Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack? If just from Nordstrom, they do have free returns!
Posted by nychica636[/QUOTE]

<div>From Nordstroms- the problem is two of them live an hour from the nearest Nordstroms.  To me it seems way more inconsiderate to ask them to drive so out of the way than to ask someone to accept a gift.  </div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:50bf6445-b58a-4ddc-8ed6-589c0d6df9f5">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : Because I didn't run it by her.  I figured as long as she only had to pay for what she felt comfortable paying it would fine, end of story.  I asked her budget to see what she could afford and I'm not asking her to pay more than that.  I've been stalking these boards for awhile and I thought that was the appropriate way to handle it.  
Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]
Well then I guess that was the mistake. I don't know. It's already done. I just don't get asking for a budget and not going by it. 

nychica636

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:6281a851-1780-49fb-ba8c-626ef4769718">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : From Nordstroms- the problem is two of them live an hour from the nearest Nordstroms.  To me it seems way more inconsiderate to ask them to drive so out of the way than to ask someone to accept a gift.  
Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]


They do have free returns via the post office:

<a href="http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/return-policy?origin=footer" rel="nofollow">http://shop.nordstrom.com/c/return-policy?origin=footer</a>

 <a href="http://i.nordstromimage.com/images/default/shop/image/misc/customer-service/2010/0821/nordstrom_return_label.pdf" rel="nofollow">http://i.nordstromimage.com/images/default/shop/image/misc/customer-service/2010/0821/nordstrom_return_label.pdf</a>

Sorry that your in this situation. I just wanted to throw that out there that returns are possible. People do tend to get weird about money. Usually, I'm the one offering to help. I don't know how I would feel if it were the reverse...

phfiely

Normally I would say don't expect your bridesmaids to pay for things that are outside of their budgets...but you offered to pay anything over her budget, so...

I think she's being ridiculous...you offered to pay for the difference...I would be thankful you did that! I was a bridesmaid when I was in law school and had no money, and would have loved if the bride had helped me out. I think it's a little crazy that she told you she thought you would stick to the lower side of the budget. $80 is low for a dress, especially a bridesmaid dress.

I don't understand her being *so* embarrassed as others have mentioned...these are your best friends presumably. I'm sure they're not judging or whatever else.

katehar01

I think some of the dresses the ladies gave you are a good compromise.  Did the girls try on the dress?  My friend wanted a Nordstrom dress, but when we went to try some on that material that yours is in was SUPER unflattering on a lot of the girls.  I'd go with DB, honestly.

Fancypantsamy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-know-its-not-my-day-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f962ba4-a487-4420-a6a5-b1f389d4ae02Post:6281a851-1780-49fb-ba8c-626ef4769718">Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I know it's not "MY DAY" but... : From Nordstroms- the problem is two of them live an hour from the nearest Nordstroms.  To me it seems way more inconsiderate to ask them to drive so out of the way than to ask someone to accept a gift.  
Posted by smileye90[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>OP, I think you need to see this. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-deal-with-a-crazy-bride">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-deal-with-a-crazy-bride</a></div><div>
</div><div>As far as your bridesmaid is concerned, I think she's fing ridiculous. </div>

leahkate

Yep, I'd say y'all have kept your last secret from one another.

chrryblndchick

OP, for what it's worth, after having read the other thread that appears to be from this very BM, I think she is being an uber-bitch. Should you have tried to find something within her budget originally? Probably, but you seem to be bending over backwards trying to find a solution for her. Good luck.