Q from the groom re: changing names

Drummer247

I don't know how many grooms go on here, but I just want people's opinions on something and I figure this is a good place to post!  My fiancee is a doctor and for that reason, she can't completely get rid of her maiden name.  Plus. she is pretty attached to it and there's only her and her sister so she wants to carry on the name.  On the other hand, I'm not attached to my name really at all. After massive drama from my sister's wedding a few years ago, I have hardly any relationship with my dad's family. Part of me is tempted to fully take my fiancee's name, but I do feel a little odd doing that, and when I mentioned it to my parents yesterday, they blew up about it and hung up on me.

So, I'm thinking that I want to hyphenate my name, just like my fiancee will.  This way we'll both have the same name, we can carry on her family name, and to be honest, right now I like her family better anyway.  I've been reading that that is becoming more common nowadays, but is it really?  I want to say I don't care what other people think, but at the same time, I want to know what other people think haha

Stackeye210

I think that is a very honorable and thoughtful thing to do for your FI.  You respect her wishes, her career and at the same time want to go one step further to combine yourselves as one.  Most men can't get past the woman not wanting the man's last name so they certainly could never hyphenate. 

Kudos to you for thinking of an alternative solution where everyone wins in some aspect.  Good luck with your parents, I'm sure they'll come around and even if they don't, well then there's a clear reason right there why you don't identify with them. 

jessicabessica

This is an incredibly personal choice.  It sounds like you've figured out an idea that works for you and your FI.  Go for it.  And if you care what this random internet stranger thinks, I wouldn't judge or think it was weird at all.

Meegles4

I'm a lady, so you can take my opinions with a grain of salt :-)

I haven't seen it in my circle. Either ladies keep their name or take their husbands. The husbands don't really change. But I have heard of it on here, so I'm sure you'll get some people to give some good advice.

It may be harder for you to change your name depending on your state's laws. So maybe check into that. Also, regarding the relationship with your family, I get that. I took my H's name without really thinking about it, but to be honest, he doesn't have a relationship with his name either. His dad died when he was a kid and while he stays in contact with that side of the family, he's much closer to his mom's side. But, he has his dad's name, and now so do I.

Just this week we were talking about it and I told him it is kinda weird that we have this name, but really aren't close to the family behind it. But even though that's the case, it's my H's name and that's who he's been all his life. I don't see either of us ever thinking to change it. But we're pretty traditional like that. I do possibly see us trying to work my maiden name into our kids names as a middle name or something like that, just to keep that family history there as well.

But, this is a decision that's totally up to you and your FI.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_q-from-the-groom-re-changing-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f9e588a-5bc3-4950-bbd3-5aa073b8baf7Post:0c607592-ee51-479a-8621-5447a1cf0f4c">Q from the groom re: changing names</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how many grooms go on here, but I just want people's opinions on something and I figure this is a good place to post!  My fiancee is a doctor and for that reason, she can't completely get rid of her maiden name.  Plus. she is pretty attached to it and there's only her and her sister so she wants to carry on the name.  On the other hand, I'm not attached to my name really at all. After massive drama from my sister's wedding a few years ago, I have hardly any relationship with my dad's family. Part of me is tempted to fully take my fiancee's name, but I do feel a little odd doing that, and when I mentioned it to my parents yesterday, they blew up about it and hung up on me. So, I'm thinking that I want to hyphenate my name, just like my fiancee will.  This way we'll both have the same name, we can carry on her family name, and to be honest, right now I like her family better anyway.  I've been reading that that is becoming more common nowadays, but is it really?  I want to say I don't care what other people think, but at the same time, I want to know what other people think haha
Posted by Drummer247[/QUOTE]

I do not first-hand know of any men that has done that but if thats what makes you happy, I say go for it!  How does your FI feel about it?

ginadog

I did read once upon a time that 2% of grooms take their wife's last name.  It's not unheard of and you won't be the first!

I did a google search for "grooms who chang etheir last name after marriage" and got a few hits!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2007-03-20-names-marriage_N.htm

sarabellam

I must say that your fiancee is a lucky woman to be marrying you. Ditto everything that Stackeye said.

kikirst33

My Aunt and her husband did this - and they've been married for 17 years.

As PP have said I think it is very much a personal choice. If you are comfortable with it then why not go ahead?

MJandDL

I too don't personally know anyone who has done this, but I think if it is something you and your fiancee agree on and our comfortable with, do it! I'm taking my FI's name because I want the family that we start to share a name. I think that your solution of combining the names is a great idea. It allows both of you to keep your family name but also share a last name with your kids. About your parents (just my opinion of course) - I'm sure they are hurt by the idea that you don't want to be associated with their last name anymore, especially since it's not a common thing to do. I would be careful not to subconsciously rub the fact that you aren't close anymore in their face. I don't know what the situation was with your sister's wedding and family drama, but it's possible that things will resolve in the future and you don't want to burn any bridges (or I wouldn't). If you decide to do the combined name, I would explain to them that you want to share a name with your wife and children, but you also understand the importance of carrying on your family name and heritage. They might be upset, but at least you have given them a solid reasoning for what you are doing and it will be up to them to decide if they want to get over it.

polichik

Props to you for being so open minded! My DH and I did something a little bit similar, in which I added his last name as my second last name, no hyphen. He added my maiden name as his second middle name. So we went from Jane Anne Smith and James Will Jones to "Jane Anne Smith Jones" and "James Will Smith Jones." His legal last name is still just Jones, but we go socially as "The Smith Joneses" and our future children with have "Smith Jones" as their last name. It was a bit complicated for people to understand but very easy to do legally. If hyphenating your last names or taking your wife's last name is what you want to do, I think that's great. Some people will have an issue with it, but some people need to join the 21st century.

mkrupar

I went to college with a kid who was the product of a marriage that did what you are proposing to do. His name was hyphenated because both of his parents hyphenated their last name. Of course he called them crazy hippies, but I don't think it's so uncommon anymore. :-)

julibug86

Coming from a pretty liberal circle of friends, I know a couple who got married a couple years back and did this (hyphenated their last names together) and now they have a baby who has the hyphenated last name.  Another couple I know getting married this November either want to either do this OR pick a new last name altogether that is a mashup of their current last names (i.e. Jones and O'Brien could become O'Jones). 

Slightly different circumstances, but I have two lady friends who decided to ditch both their last names when they got married and picked an Italian word that meant something special to them. 

I always thought I would keep my last name (he's marrying me, not adopting me!) and that I wouldn't get married until later in life (if at all).  I also thought I would have multiple degrees by the time I got married.  Since life is unpredictable, I will be only 26 at my wedding and have my bachelor's and 1/3 of a Masters (grad school and/or law school had to take a backseat to my family's financial woes so I'm only now back on track).  My fiance has very strong ties to his family name and was incredibly hurt when I mentioned not taking his name.  After much discussion over such a simple issue, I've actually decided to take his last name.  

Also, hyphenated names are a b*tch for insurance purposes in the US (also, passports, IDs, etc.).  This is why I was very much into either keeping my name or taking his.  I can't handle the hyphen!

strlzfan11

A professor in my old department and her husband did this when they got married.  Their last name is Her MN-His LN.  I don't know how his family felt about it, but after 10+ years of marriage, I'm sure they're used to it.

You have to do what feels right to you.

Coghoot12

I think this is awesome and it's great to see that you and your FI have decided on something that works for your both.

For me, it was really never a question on what I would do with my name.  I have always planned on keeping it.  And I have been in my career for almost 9 years so to change my name now would be really difficult.  My husband fully supported my decision and it is what works for us.

That being said, be prepared for some backlash. I have been surprised, and frankly disappointed, in some of the reactions we have received.  And that is based on me simply keeping my name.  People have made derrogatory comments to H about the fact that I don't have his name.  It's no ones business but ours and it has been hurtful to see this reaction.  We both have vocally and unequivocally responded to these criticisms that it's our choice and we are happy with it but people's rudeness amazes me. 

I don't regret my choice at all and it is the right one for us.  But be prepared that other close minded and concern-trolly people will give you their unsolicted 2 cents about your personal choices. 

MoonlightSilver

My husband and I each took each others name, without a hyphen. So I'm First Middle myLast hisLast, and he's the same (obv. with his own first and middle name). 

The SS office worker said he was the first husband she had ever seen changing his last name after marriage. I don't know how frequent it is elsewhere, but I've heard that friends of friends have done it as well. H hasn't had any problem changing his name, but we also live in a state that recognizes same-sex relationships so it's easier than it would be in a state that doesn't. 

There is a little bit of "fun" involved with two names. My SS card doesn't have a hyphen, but my driver's license does- the DMV said they HAVE to put a hyphen, while SS said they physically couldn't do a hyphen. I've had to add extra boxes to forms so I could fit my whole name. But I think it's worth it - my identity has changed, but who I was before isn't removed. 

Good luck!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I have a friend who got married 2 years ago and she and her husband made a combined name. So, for example, Jane Smith and John Jones are now Jane and John Smithjones.

I also know a family where the husband and wife created an entirely new name, and gave their children that last name. That way, they all had the same family name, but they avoided any baggage of their families that they didn't want, and gave themselves and their children a name with meaning.

Go for it! I love it. My husband and I each kept our birth last names, but that's because neither of us wanted to change or add anything! Of course, that means that our children will have a last name of only one parent (most likely we'll use my last name as a second middle name).

Also, you might want to read about name choice equality here: http://www.lucystoneleague.org/ You can probably also find other people in your situation and ask questions/not feel alone.

ETA: A lot of women in my circle have either kept their last names legally or professionally, or hyphenated. I can't think of any men who have off the top of my head. However, the reaction to women doing do among my friends and family is basically a non-reaction - no one has a problem with it or really thinks anything about it!

I can't say that it's completely easy, though. Society in general just expects women to change their names and men to keep them. I often get asked what my maiden name was, and random people are often surprised and say, "wait, your name is different than your husband's? What's his last name?" As if his last name is something awful, like Butts or Humperdink, and that explains why I didn't take it. (It's not, it's normal, and actually shorter and easier to spell and pronounce than my name.) For women, when you're getting married, there's a lot of assumption and pressure, down to products that the industry tries to push on you labeled with "Future Mrs. ___" and the like. Fortunately, because it's "expected" that men will KEEP their name, I don't think there's much pressure on men to do anything in particular. But I can't promise anything about how your particular social circle will react.

melb2013

Go for it!  I've heard of men changing their names and I don't see how it is different from women changing their names.  Your FI is one lucky lady to have a guy who is so open minded.  My FI is fine me not changing my name, but I know several women who have considered not changing their names and their FI's were extremely upset.  They certainly would not consider changing their names to their wife's name.

Summer2011Bride

One of my friends and her H combined their last names to make a new name when they got married. It was the first time I had seen someone do that. It wasn't hyphenated--just one name that kept parts of each of their previous last names.

They both seem to like it and it was a compromise for them. Your name is a personal decision, so if it makes you and your FI happy to both hyphenate, I think that's great, and as time goes on, it may become more common.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Oh! PS, the mayor of Los Angeles change his name - his birth name was Antonio Villar. His wife's birth name was Corina Raigosa. They smushed their names into Villaraigosa, which is also the name their children carry. And they got married 25 years ago! And he's the keynote speaker at the Democratic National Convention this year. So he's probably the most high-profile man I know of who changed his name when he got married.

charmn311

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_q-from-the-groom-re-changing-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f9e588a-5bc3-4950-bbd3-5aa073b8baf7Post:011eb078-b951-4ab0-a906-be49aa5794b1">Re: Q from the groom re: changing names</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend who got married 2 years ago and she and her husband made a combined name. So, for example, Jane Smith and John Jones are now Jane and John Smithjones. I also know a family where the husband and wife created an entirely new name, and gave their children that last name. That way, they all had the same family name, but they avoided any baggage of their families that they didn't want, and gave themselves and their children a name with meaning. Go for it! I love it. My husband and I each kept our birth last names, but that's because neither of us wanted to change or add anything! Of course, that means that our children will have a last name of only one parent (most likely we'll use my last name as a second middle name). Also, you might want to read about name choice equality here: <a href="http://www.lucystoneleague.org/" rel="nofollow">http://www.lucystoneleague.org/</a> You can probably also find other people in your situation and ask questions/not feel alone. ETA: A lot of women in my circle have either kept their last names legally or professionally, or hyphenated. I can't think of any men who have off the top of my head. However, the reaction to women doing do among my friends and family is basically a non-reaction - no one has a problem with it or really thinks anything about it! I can't say that it's completely easy, though. Society in general just expects women to change their names and men to keep them. I often get asked what my maiden name was, and random people are often surprised and say, "wait, your name is different than your husband's? What's his last name?" As if his last name is something awful, like Butts or Humperdink, and that explains why I didn't take it. (It's not, it's normal, and actually shorter and easier to spell and pronounce than my name.) For women, when you're getting married, there's a lot of assumption and pressure, down to products that the industry tries to push on you labeled with "Future Mrs. ___" and the like. Fortunately, because it's "expected" that men will KEEP their name, I don't think there's much pressure on men to do anything in particular. But I can't promise anything about how your particular social circle will react.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


I can't be the only person who's seen Hot Tub Time Machine, and I can't be the only person who thought about it while reading this. Or maybe I can be :) Either way, do what you want!

MrsMack10612

I haven't read all the responses but...

My cousin and his wife sort of did this.  He became Mr. Firstname Her Lastname Hislastname and she became Ms. Firstname Hislastname Herlastname.

tpender13

I think it's really cool that you're considering this. If it works for the two of you, I say go for it!

I know one couple where the bride was raised by her step-dad for pretty much her whole life, but still had bio dad's name. She always wanted to change it but never did. When they got married, both the bride and groom changed their names to Groomlast- Stepdadlast. I thought that was awesome.

Also, two people I went to high school with married each other a couple weekends ago. His last name on FB is now her last hame. I'm not sure if it's real or just a FB joke.

niquemel

Absolutely. I know two couples that have done so recently. One, the groom just added her last name; and the other, they both did the hyphenated thing. Go for it!

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_q-from-the-groom-re-changing-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f9e588a-5bc3-4950-bbd3-5aa073b8baf7Post:0c607592-ee51-479a-8621-5447a1cf0f4c">Q from the groom re: changing names</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know how many grooms go on here, but I just want people's opinions on something and I figure this is a good place to post!  My fiancee is a doctor and for that reason, she can't completely get rid of her maiden name.  Plus. she is pretty attached to it and there's only her and her sister so she wants to carry on the name.  On the other hand, I'm not attached to my name really at all. After massive drama from my sister's wedding a few years ago, I have hardly any relationship with my dad's family. Part of me is tempted to fully take my fiancee's name, but I do feel a little odd doing that, and when I mentioned it to my parents yesterday, they blew up about it and hung up on me. So, I'm thinking that I want to hyphenate my name, just like my fiancee will.  This way we'll both have the same name, we can carry on her family name, and to be honest, right now I like her family better anyway.  I've been reading that that is becoming more common nowadays, but is it really?  I want to say I don't care what other people think, but at the same time, I want to know what other people think haha
Posted by Drummer247[/QUOTE]

That is up to you. I know someone who did it and his family is completely insulted. They feel it is a direct insult to his deceased father.  I'm not saying not to do it, but i can tell you the personally that his whole family felt hurt and assume he is ashamed of them and their name.

(which is such a double standard as nobody feels hurt when a woman changes her name)

I think it is totally up to you, just be prepared for long term riffs over this

Lisa50

My husband would never have hyphenated, or changed, his name.  Neither would I, nor did I.  Having the same name is just not something we want or need.

I know couples who have done that (or created a completely new last name) and it works just fine.  Just as your wife will have to get used to being called Mrs. YourLastName, you will have to get used to being called Mr. HerLastName.  Once people catch onto the hyphenation (likely a year or two), you'll be fine.  Go for it!

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_q-from-the-groom-re-changing-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3f9e588a-5bc3-4950-bbd3-5aa073b8baf7Post:a2233d78-57ea-49e1-8d33-450031f6b96f">Re: Q from the groom re: changing names</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance wants to <font color="#0000ff"><strong>change both of our last names to Thunderhammer</strong></font> because he thinks it sounds cool. And I am not changing my last name that no matter how many times he brings it up. lol Do what you want to as long as it makes you and your fiance happy.
Posted by snippet17[/QUOTE]

That is an absolute riot!  I've known, since I was 12 or 13, that I'd never change my last name when marrying (I did not).  But, I've got to say, if H had brought up changing our names to Thunderhammer, I might just do it ... that is funny as hell!

HopefulLife

When I was like seven I decided that I wasn't going to change my last name whenever I got married. Fi, growing up very traditionally, assumed his wife would take his last name. We have been into numerous arguments about it but ultimately decided that I wasn't changing and he could stay with his or change. He wanted one name for our future family so he decided that he's going to take my last name. My family, and his paternal family are fighting us all the way on this saying "it isn't right" or "that's not traditional" but that's our plan and we're sticking to it. Fi knew that there'd be backlash but is willing to accept it. GL on your plan and hopefully it'll go over smoother than you think it will.

Drummer247

Well thank you all for that. I think we are going to end up doing it, but some reason reading all your stories was just helpful/interesting!