HELP - The entire family?

mobilmom

I am 44 years old and my husband to be is 45.  This is both of our 2nd marriage.  We plan on having a very formal ceremony with the formal dress and church. 
Here's my dilemma  We have dated for 4.5 yrs.  He has 2 step children (his first wife had 2 children before he married her) He practically raised due to their age when he married her.  Step children are 20 and 22 years old now.   I have met these children one time.  He also has a natural born daughter that will live with us part time after we are married I see her almost every time he has her which is most weekends.  We do things as a family and we are very close. (she is 16).  I have 2 girls (15 and 18) which live with me full time. 

My question is .... we want to keep the wedding party small so we are planning on having my daughters (15 and 18) walk me down the isle and his daughter 16 stand up for him.  We are getting a lot of pressure to include the other children in the ceremony.  (by his x's family).  I barely know the other children.

What can we do to keep the wedding small and offend the least people possible.

Help
44 yr old bride

JessAndTrav

You need to ask your FI what he wants.


He may want the kids there, and that's fine. They don't have to bring their mom.

I definitely wouldn't make the decision without him.

andyandhillary

Your age does not dictate how accepting you are of people's differences.  You're just shallow.  I have friends who are in their 40s and are "traditional" and yet they would never exclude family because of body art.  Grow up.  You're 44. 

Anyhoodle, you do have a complicated family structure but I figure what does it hurt to have his ex-step children in the wedding?  It would still be a very small wedding party by "normal" standards.  I think by having them be included you are hurting no one but by exluding them you are hurting a number of people. 

quotequeen

I think this should be entirely your FI's decision.

Kristin&eric

I agree i think you need to talk to your FI about this. Maybe have them do something.

LesaBear

Excluding them could lead to hurt feelings. Find out how your FI feels about it and have him talk to them. They're old enough to decide if they want to be included or not. I don't think adding 2 people to the wedding party will make it a large wedding or WP.

I think the larger issue here is that you don't want to include them b/c you don't know them and don't like their appearances. You're marrying the whole package and need to be accepting of that.

opalsky007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_entire-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40b7bd23-70cb-47b2-8bea-22084f9319b0Post:46c57887-3242-4240-aad5-f4968b38c246">Re: HELP - The entire family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your age does not dictate how accepting you are of people's differences.  You're just shallow.  <strong>I have friends who are in their 40s and are "traditional" and yet they would never exclude family because of body art. </strong> Grow up.  You're 44.  Anyhoodle, you do have a complicated family structure but I figure what does it hurt to have his ex-step children in the wedding?  It would still be a very small wedding party by "normal" standards.  I think by having them be included you are hurting no one but by exluding them you are hurting a number of people. 
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

Crap, did she edit?

Knittibell

I agree this is up to FI. Does he view his step kids as his kids, regardless of how often you see them? If so, they should be included. Blood doesn't mean anything- if he considers them to be his kids, too they should be in the wedding. Find the space.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_entire-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:40b7bd23-70cb-47b2-8bea-22084f9319b0Post:f8c6c20c-3047-4dc8-81ff-163aea2cd4d4">HELP - The entire family?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am 44 years old and my husband to be is 45.  This is both of our 2nd marriage.  We plan on having a very formal ceremony with the formal dress and church.  Here's my dilemma  We have dated for 4.5 yrs.  He has 2 step children (his first wife had 2 children before he married her) He practically raised due to their age when he married her.  Step children are 20 and 22 years old now.   I have met these children one time.  He also has a natural born daughter that will live with us part time after we are married I see her almost every time he has her which is most weekends.  We do things as a family and we are very close. (she is 16).  I have 2 girls (15 and 18) which live with me full time.  My question is .... we want to keep the wedding party small so we are planning on having my daughters (15 and 18) walk me down the isle and his daughter 16 stand up for him.  We are getting a lot of pressure to include the other children in the ceremony.  (by his x's family).  I barely know the other children. What can we do to keep the wedding small and offend the least people possible. Help 44 yr old bride
Posted by mobilmom[/QUOTE]

Your FI's step-children are, for all intensive purposes, his children.  He and the ex-wife might not still be together, but I'm sure his ex-stepkids still see him as their "dad."  They should be the first on the list to be included, absolutely.

By your own admission, you're 44.  Start acting like it.  

leayn

Where is the part about the body art?  I don't see it now, but it had to have been there before for people to mention it.  It is not very nice to edit out portions of your OP.  If that is why you don't want them in the wedding, you're a tool and should have more respect for your FI's children whether he created them or not.

andyandhillary

Oh yeah, she edited.

OP, don't edit or delete.  People will still find out what you previously wrote.  We all make mistakes but just own up to it and apologize. 

mobilmom

Thank you for all your advice - I will continue to talk to my husband to be about the issue.  He is very understanding and I will do what works best for all involved. 

I appreciate your honest opinions for my first post to this board.  It has been enlightening. 

mobilmom

I did delete the part about the body art.  The reason is that everyone was getting hung up on that and not the real reason for the post.  The question is about including extended family the discussion was becoming convoluted with the focus on that issue. 

t.kaufman

You said that your FI basically raised his step-children... hopefully then he considers them his children. I would say they should definitely be included... but find out with FI thinks.

missy68

This is an issue you need to be discussing with your FI, not necessarily us. Only he knows how he feels about 2 step children he practically raised; perhaps he would like them and his natural child to stand up with him. His natural child WILL become your step child, and you need to face that. It will no longer be you and your daughters. You will be a family with 3 children and his 2 grown stepchildren. I suspect he is still close with them as well.

Have this talk with him. And don't give them guest book attendant/program handler jobs. If they're going to be in the wedding, they need to be IN the wedding.

Your age (I'm 42) and your wedding status (this was my 2nd) doesn't make it any different; the stepchildren status (and apparently the fact that one or all of them have body art you may not approve of) of is the key issue here.

Good luck.

JessicaRichardson85

If the body art was detracting from your original intent why did you add it in the first place? Sorry but I have been to many beautiful weddings with tattooed brides / attendants and not ...... if you are a true "grown up" you should be able to acknowledge that tattoos / body art does not change a person or their importance to people you love (well it shouldn't anyway :x )