WWYD--WR & $$

mandapanda78

This is one of those situations where I have a lot to say and I don't know how to say it. So, let me just say the things that I know how to say. 

Rach, we love you round here. Big time. Big. Time. Because you're funny and way super smart and, let's face it, you kind of kick ass. Please don't sell yourself short. I'm worried about you. Like Pirata, I've been a little worried about you since the whole FSIL issue came up.  We'll be here for you, no matter what the outcome is- but please don't sell yourself short. I think you see the red flags waving in the wind. Don't ignore them. Please. 

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:05772957-806d-4ce0-8896-6f010025b594">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : I'm going to be totally blantantly honest here, but this doesn't sound "smart" to me so much as it sounds "manipulative".
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]
Ditto this.

Rach,

I thought you said you were planning on moving away with him soon.  Please don't do that until you've figured this out.  The last thing you want is to find out after leaving that things aren't going to work out and then you're stranded somewhere, with no help, no money, and nowhere to go.

RachNRich

Well, he's on his way home from work now so we can talk.

Updates will be coming soon

RaiKai

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:05772957-806d-4ce0-8896-6f010025b594">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : I'm going to be totally blantantly honest here, but this doesn't sound "smart" to me so much as it sounds "manipulative".
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. An equally appropriate term would be "control freak".

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:05772957-806d-4ce0-8896-6f010025b594">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : I'm going to be totally blantantly honest here, but this doesn't sound "smart" to me so much as it sounds "manipulative".
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

As much as I hate to say it, THIS.

Smart people know when other people are making good points and acknowledge that and learn from their mistakes.  Manipulative people twist things around to their benefit even if they're wrong.  This sounds like the latter.

bbyckes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:a5d43179-44a9-4cc3-8485-470e9ea71ba7">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE] Rach, we love you round here. Big time. Big. Time. Because you're funny and way super smart and, let's face it, you kind of kick ass. Please don't sell yourself short. I'm worried about you. Like Pirata, I've been a little worried about you since the whole FSIL issue came up.  We'll be here for you, no matter what the outcome is- but please don't sell yourself short. I think you see the red flags waving in the wind. Don't ignore them. Please. 
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

Co signed,
cacoffer

goheels05

Oh Rach. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Capri has some really good ideas. And building on one of her points - why do you have to keepo asking him for your mutual money? If YOU are making the payments to the vendors, why didn't he have you deposit the check in your account? I'll tell you why - he has trust issues. It might just be with money, but it might be with everything. Even if its just the money thing, you need to work it out.

There may come a point where you need to tell him you are not making anymore payments and/or you are putting the wedding on hold until you come to a satisfactory conclusion.

beatlesgirl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:b658fee8-cb2c-49fc-a50a-32a2672ef3ba">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : Ditto this. Rach, I thought you said you were planning on moving away with him soon.  Please don't do that until you've figured this out.  The last thing you want is to find out after leaving that things aren't going to work out and then you're stranded somewhere, with no help, no money, and nowhere to go.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Yes, and also before you miss opportunities to keep your education at your current locale instead of setting up a long-distance program.

Good luck with the talk, Rach. Let us know how it goes.

Pirata13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:61ac0a30-8d65-4478-805f-a9f66a4e39ef">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : We've been to counseling (to address the issues with his sister), and they backfired on us. Like I said earlier--he has the brain of a super-freaky-intelligent person, and I swear he's able to reason away anything. He was even able to reason away his sister's craziness within a number of appointments with the counselor. I do agree we should go. I would really like to. This is something else I will bring up with him later.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

It "backfired" because Rich doesn't want to admit anything is wrong.  Even if Rich really believes his sister's behavior is normal, YOU know, we all know, that it is NOT.  My ex was willing to go to counseling with me--to help me with MY problems.  MY problems. To him, he had no issues, he'd "dealt" with them all.  He refused counseling.  He always had to be right.  In his mind he always was right.  I was the one with the problems.  Rach, it will always be how YOU are perceiving things to him. But you have to follow your guts and your instincts. We have instincts for a reason, Rach.  And it's not so that someone can always "reason" them away.

Pirata13

Rach, best of luck. Please update us tomorrow.

psichick

i don't know what happened with the FSIL but from what i've read in this thread alone, omg girl you're setting yourself up for a disaster here. trust issues, controlling, this sounds like a bad made for tv movie on the hallmark channel. i don't want to be rude but i will be blunt.......get in some counseling or get the hell out. this just sounds like a bad situation that's going to get worse......

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:737a8026-3592-4c2e-b50d-ae8d65569712">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not much of a Rich fan right now either--and I've let him know it. He's getting in the way of my doctors (in my opinion) because he isn't on board with their decisions. They are doing a lymph node biopsy on Thursday, and he wants me to intervien before and tell them to try other options (i.e. medication) to see if my health improves prior to surgery. But he isn't dealing first hand with my health, and I just want to let the doctors do what they think needs to be done, end of story. I understand he doesn't want me to have a scar on my neck two months prior to a wedding--but I just want to be better---and if an effing scar helps them get me there, then so be it. As for money issues after the wedding, we haven't had that discussion. He's always paid the rent, and I've always paid the rest (electric, gas, cable/internet). It's worked out well---but I don't know that it's a suitable long-term solution. I'm just looking for the nearest wall to bang my head into.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]


He sounds like a stubborn d!ck. How old is he? The interest excuse is not a good enough excuse. Also, if he makes more money than you, why are you paying almost all the bills. Does the rent=all the other bills? I am sorry Rach but from the things I am reading, it sounds like your FI does not have your best interest at heart. He sounds very self involved.

thesuninherhead

I second your idea of writing a letter to him to get how you feel about this across in a non-confrontational way. I also see this as a serious red flag. Money is a huge issue, and you really need to learn how to speak to one another about it. 

thesuninherhead

(and though everyone has rehashed it, I see other serious red flags in much of what you've spoken about. Him being unwilling to 'be' with you in the open, using the excuse of his job which is really just so ridiculous (coming from someone who also worked in that area). Him not supporting you through this upcoming investigation (because of a scar? seriously?!). The issues with his sister. The fact that when you have discussion, you're left feeling 'dumb'... etc, etc, etc. You're too sweet and intelligent to settle for someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You're applying the excuse of this relationship being 'difficult' because of how it started when in reality, the majority of the difficulties you're facing don't appear to be related to that in the slightest. I know that you love him and I'm sure he loves you, but that doesn't mean that the difficulties you're having should be overlooked.)

SarahSmile23

oh rach. i hope the convo is going well.

i second the request for a recap of the sister situation.

ThePinkSuperhero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:0c501679-c10f-4fd5-9dd5-693f08318317">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's the thing - his co-workers still don't know about you, right?  It REALLY sounds to me like he wants to be entirely in control, keep you in his pocket, and very tightly manage what you know/do/etc.  I would throw a hissy, personally.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

Oh wait, that's you, too?  I remember that post.  What the hell does this guy have to do before you realize that he's a jerk, hit you in the face?  Since you asked "WWYD", here's my answer: Call off the wedding before I waste years being married to an asshole.

notquiteblushing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wwyd-wr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4219d3e4-0740-491b-972c-68004c2eaf7cPost:3911dba0-e3b8-4ef0-b601-971803edad50">Re: WWYD--WR & $$</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: WWYD--WR & $$ : Oh wait, that's you, too?  I remember that post.  What the hell does this guy have to do before you realize that he's a jerk, hit you in the face?  Since you asked "WWYD", here's my answer: Call off the wedding before I waste years being married to an asshole.
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]

Yup I agree and have said so before the latest red flags.  Self-centered, controllling and manipulative.  I'm really sorry you're going through this but I would run run run if I were you.

WildRumpus

Oh man Rach...this is bad. Really, really bad.

You guys have GOT to be on the same page here-not just with the money, but with everything. Yeah, it's hard and it's messy, but if you guys are going to make it work, he's going to have to be right there with you.

If you wanted honest advice, here's mine: Run away and don't look back