3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents

seesawgirl

So, no, I'm not being prissy or throwing a fit about stupid wedding details. Basically, my stepfather is an ass that abused my older sister and I all throughout our childhood. Up until now, he has maintained that he would not be at the wedding. Fine by me, my mother was going to ride with one of my younger sisters. Today, however, she texts me, and says "we will all be coming to the wedding, including Jerry. We will not be staying for the reception though." I'm hurt and pissed, because for 1, I've already paid for all of their meals, I was going to have the parents sit at a "parent table" with the officiants, and those are just the practical reasons. We won't even touch how much it hurts to know that she can't stand up to him enough to even stay to eat dinner. Then there is the issue of the actual ceremony. We are having a very family/community centered wedding, and are passing our rings around in a locked jewelry box for our guests to bless. I don't want the jackass touching my rings! I don't want him putting his negativity towards me, and it's not about me believing in voodoo or whatever. (I don't) Anyways...I'm really considering uninviting them. I already know how it will go. They will show up late, and sit in the back instead of sitting up front. Jerry will glare, and grimace, refuse to pose for any pictures, and will ignore anyone who tries to talk him, and then they will leave as soon as the ceremony is over, without stopping to say hi, bye, or kiss my asss to anyone. I don't want that. For what it's worth, I know it seems like I'm being overly dramatic, and that normal human beings wouldn't act this way, but this is the man that refused to get in the car to drive me to school, making me so consistently late that I was suspended. Anyways, what would you ladies do?

angelstar975

Disown my mother, probably. I'm more dramatic than you.

Seriously though, my feelings would be really hurt. This is your wedding and your mom isn't going to be a part of your whole day because your stepfather doesn't want to stay? I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I really hope you are able to enjoy your day, despite this. I probably wouldn't uninvite them, because then it will look bad on you, whereas if they come and act the way you predict they will, it looks bad on them.

pokepoke27

Well - the way I see it is that if you uninvite them you will probably be cutting ties with both your step-father AND mother for a very long time to come (if not forever). If you are okay with that then go right ahead - only you can decide if that's what you want.

I personally would just let them come and stop giving them a thought. My mother gives me so much grief with all of her problems - half of the time I just want to pack up my things and hop on a plane without a backwards glance. But at the end of the day she loves me and I love her. He will be at the ceremony and then they will leave. You won't be focusing on him during the ceremony - you will be focusing on your FI. And then yes, you will probably be irritated by his attitude during pictures - but then it will be over and he will be gone and you can enjoy the rest of your wedding.

Plumbb2

I would suggest you tell your mom and step- dad they don't have to come if they would rather not. Or you can stand up for your self and tell your mom you would rather not have your stepfather come but would still love to have here there and could really use her support during the whole day. not sure how well that will go over.

I'm sorry you have to go through this so close to your wedding day. I hope you have a very supporting fiance! Don't le it ruin your day! I'll pray for ya.

LeiselEB

I think you need to sit down with your mom and tell her how you feel about this. Be honest with her - maybe she doesn't realize just how much this is upsetting you.

I'm curious though, and forgive me for prying, but does your mom know about the abuse? A friend of mine was abused by her step dad and her mom and still stayed in a relationship with that man knowing what he had done - I know situations like that can be tricky, I'm just curious if that's what is going on here.

Kate61487

First, I'm sorry your stepfather is an ass.

Is there any chance that a heartfelt convo with your mom will help?  Explain to her that you'd be really hurt if she wasn't present for the celebration?  Explain that people will talk about her not supporting your marriage b/c she isn't there?  Explain the financial implication of all of their meals already being paid for / the awkwardness of the priest now sitting alone? (whichever of these will appeal to her most)

Beyond talking to her and letting her know how you feel there's nothing you can do.  You can't control another person's behavior, you can't MAKE them do something.  And uninviting them both won't actually get you what you want (which is your mother there, alone and happy).  Good luck

achiduck

I woud not uninvite them. I'm sure you're under enough stress already and uninviting them will only compound that.

I would talk to your mom and explain how hurt your feelings are and see if she'll come to the reception.

myname1234

"Mom, I know Jerry is coming now, but I would really love it if you would be willing to stay through the reception like you had initially told me.  It's important for me to have my mother with me on my wedding day."

MyUserName1

If your step-father abused you and your mother knows about it, then this is a much bigger issue.

If it were  me, he would not be allowed.  Full stop.  My mother would be informed that if he shows up, he won't be allowed in.  And i'd tell her to stop being a biitch, leave the asss at home and behave like a mother for once in her life.

Anyone who abused the bride should be barred from the wedding.

mari0225

I wouldn't uninivite them, but like PP said I would have a talk with my mother and tell her your feelings, and that it would hurt that if we wasn't sure for the whole thing.

StephBeanWed61502

Do you want a relationship with your mother after your wedding?  That's really the issue here.  If you don't care if you ever speak to her again, uninvite her (and step-dad).  If you want to continue to have a relationship with her, you have to accept that said relationship is only going to happen on the terms she's able to handle, no matter what you really want from her.  You want her to be an awesome supportive mom who doesn't cave to your step-dad (and that's a perfectly reasonable thing to want), but everything you've said about her on these boards makes it abundantly clear that that's just not who she is.  Decide whether you want a relationship with her assuming nothing about her will ever change - including her relationship with your step-dad - then decide whether or not to un-invite her.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:fdc6943c-e9fc-45aa-8c76-83406eb56619">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]If your step-father abused you and your mother knows about it, then this is a much bigger issue. If it were  me, he would not be allowed.  Full stop.  My mother would be informed that if he shows up, he won't be allowed in.  And i'd tell her to stop being a biitch, leave the asss at home and behave like a mother for once in her life. <strong>Anyone who abused the bride should be barred from the wedding.</strong>
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

This.  And I'll be honest, if I had a step-dad that abused me, and my mother knew about it and didn't do anything, then I probably wouldn't want to keep her in my life either.

Megbo2012

Yeah, I don't think "Jerry" should have been invited in the first place, but what's been done is done. Do not uninvite them. 

Talk to mom about how you feel, and the stress this is causing you. This may have been their idea of a "happy medium" coming to one party, but not the other. Explain to her that you want her there for both, and possibly about the uncomfortable feelings you have towards Jerry, which she should understand.

How a mother could stay with a man that abused her daughters is beyond me.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:b31c17bd-986a-4b58-9976-2287476a05b4">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents : This.  And I'll be honest, if I had a step-dad that abused me, and my mother knew about it and didn't do anything, then I probably wouldn't want to keep her in my life either.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]



I agree. Although why is this stuff coming up now and not a long time ago?

angelstar975

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:10f5c7c9-8565-4131-90cc-35a9cf49a38f">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't we always tell people that they don't have to invite people who assault them or abuse them? Seesaw, if you really don't want <strong>this cat</strong> at your wedding, tell your mother that Jerry is not welcome.  End of story. 
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

This is why you're my favorite.

And I totally agree with this, you don't have to welcome Jerry at your wedding at all, but it sounds like if you don't, your mom won't come at all. Again, I wish you didn't have to deal with this on your wedding day.

Megbo2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:10f5c7c9-8565-4131-90cc-35a9cf49a38f">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't we always tell people that they don't have to invite people who assault them or abuse them? Seesaw, if you really don't want <strong>this cat</strong> at your wedding, tell your mother that Jerry is not welcome.  End of story. 
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>That's a little trite, dontcha think? ;)</div>

StephBeanWed61502

Eagles, now you're making me clarify my opinion.

Seesaw, it's within your rights to omit Jerry only from the guest list (although inviting and then un-inviting isn't the best way to go about doing this), but It sounded to me from your OP like Mom and Jerry are a package deal, which is why I initially skipped over the "invite mom but not Jerry" option.

Megbo2012

Nahh it doesn't but I just wanted to bust your balls.

Matty143

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:db0269a5-6684-4adf-8517-614831a8fdc1">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Bust away, Meg. <strong>Seesaw, I will be glad when your wedding is over.  It seems exhausting.</strong>
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

Truth!
Sorry Seesaw, but when I saw this post I couldn't help but think WTF happened now?

Good luck to you, I'm sure it will be a beautiful day! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

doublenn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:5d098a9d-75e0-48d6-87c5-b3cb5e57d4cb">3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]Jerry will glare, and grimace, refuse to pose for any pictures, and will ignore anyone who tries to talk him, and then they will leave as soon as the ceremony is over, without stopping to say hi, bye, or kiss my asss to anyone.
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why do you actually want him in your pictures? If it were me, I certainly would not be upset that he's refusing to take pictures, and leaves as soon as the ceremony is over.

</div>

ShyDreamer00

We ran into a similar situation with FI's mom and step-father (not 3 days out though, thank goodness). Step-dad abused FI and his sister physically, always treated them differently from the other kids that he had with FI's mom, locked the fridge so they couldnt eat food that he had "paid" for, refused to spend any money towards them, etc....abuse finally stopped when my FI was big enough to hit back (my FI is a big guy, lol). FI's mom always saw what was going on, but was in denial-his sister even tried to tell her once and she didn't believe her. You get the drift...
Anyways, FI still loves his mother very much as his real father wasn't around much. So when FI found out that step-father had cheated on his mom within the last year, plus had a baby with the mistress, he was fully prepared to defend his mom's honor. His mom wouldn't allow it, sticking by her husband...etc, etc...well, this sealed the deal that he did not want step-dad at our wedding. He told his mom and although she was upset by it...constantly talked to me about it, saying that she hoped my FI would change his mind, etc....basically trying to guilt me into getting FI to agree to it. She was still willing to come to the wedding and be a full participant in everything. However, we then ran into the problem of his half-sisters (who FI loves dearly) and two of them are in the wedding party. He knew that once step-dad found out that he wasn't invited that he would not allow the girls to be a part of the wedding and his mom would back step-dad up (as she has done all of FI's life). So, he had to choose....allow a man he hates to attend or miss out on having his sisters there. He chose to allow a man he hates attend so that his sisters could be a part of our celebration.
Step-dad will not be a part of any of the pictures, recognized in any way, he will just sit with FI's mom, and watch his sisters (two are under the age of 6). You have to decide which is more important-having your mother there or not allowing a man who abused you there. Pictures, just don't have him be a part of them....plain and simple, I sure wouldn't. As for the rings, perhaps instead of ALL of the guests blessing them you could have your immediate family who is blood related bless them for you, then hold them up for everyone else to send their blessings (that way he's not touching them). I completely understand that feeling. If you decide to uninvite them, I would at least explain why.....and then follow it up with mom, you will always be welcome at the wedding and in my home, but I do not feel the same about step-father.
Good luck and I'm sorry your step-dad is an abusive a**hole!

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_3-days-out-thinking-about-uninviting-my-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4346a384-7dde-4728-a7e2-5d7869fe4cbePost:fdc6943c-e9fc-45aa-8c76-83406eb56619">Re: 3 days out, thinking about uninviting my parents</a>:
[QUOTE]If your step-father abused you and your mother knows about it, then this is a much bigger issue. If it were  me, he would not be allowed.  Full stop.  My mother would be informed that if he shows up, he won't be allowed in.  And i'd tell her to stop being a biitch, leave the asss at home and behave like a mother for once in her life. <strong><font color="#0000ff">Anyone who abused the bride should be barred from the wedding.
</font></strong>Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

That sums it up. Perfectly!

Kristin789

Ditto this:"Mom, I know Jerry is coming now, but I would really love it if you would be willing to stay through the reception like you had initially told me. It's important for me to have my mother with me on my wedding day."  Add:  "And since Jerry has to leave after the ceremony, you can ride home with YoungerSis like you planned - I need you to be at the reception."

MarissaY

First, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Having lived in a violent household growing up, I can't imagine how hard this is for you at this very important time in your life.

If you don't want him there, he shouldn't be there - end of story. I'm not sure whether this means you talking to your mother about the situation or whether it means she can't come either, but however you decide to handle that part of it is ok.

I know how some women in relationships with abusers can behave - they might make excuses, make concessions, and try to "make nice" with people the abuser has hurt because it's hard to get out of a relationship like that. My aunt has been in a relationship similar to your mom's for years - her new husband abused her children (his step-children) and has been controlling of my aunt throughout their relationship. Even with a lot of support from my family, she hasn't been able to break the cycle of abuse - forsaking her own children when they left at 17 to escape him.

My point is that people living with abusers don't always make the best decisions for themselves or the people they love. It can seem hurtful or selfish, but really they're just trying to cope with a difficult situation the only way they can.

I hope talking to your mother helps, but know that it might not. And if that means she can't be part of your wedding, that's unfortunately how it might have to be. I'm sorry you have to make this difficult choice, and I hope your day is still beautiful in spite of it.