What to give

shibbygirl82

hello!

I am a first time bridesmaid, I helped pay for the shower  & and made all decorations/favors/games + bought shower gift + dress & accessories (happy to do so).  I have helped make wedding favors, centerpieces and will be helping set these up on the big day.  Ive met with the bride weekly to discuss her wedding and all the plans she has and what my jobs are.   My FI was asked to photograph the wedding.

My own wedding is 2 weeks later which she cannot come to because its a DW (which is totally fine), but she also did not come to my local bachelorette party...

although my invitations were sent out before she was even engaged, its like my wedding doesnt exist.  The bachelorette thing just came to my attention this weekend, so obviously I havent spoken to her about it- I also dont want to bring it up so close to her wedding to upset or add stress to her.

at this point Im already commited to being a good bridesmaid and doing what I can for her, at the same time Im just going through the motions because Im hurt that she has nothing to do with my own wedding or anything related to it. 

how much $$ do you think I should spend on her wedding gift?

kate51485

Have you seriously met with her WEEKLY?

DanielleD7782

First of all....weekly meetings? I haven't asked my bridesmaids to do anything other than order a dress! Good grief this girl is demanding!

How much do you want as a gift for your wedding from her? Most likely she will duplicate what you give her. I usually lean around $100-$200 for close friends and then go down from there if its not a super close friend.

shibbygirl82

yes!  either at stores or at her house (2 hours away by train)...

shibbygirl82

I just have a MOH and if you asked her what my centerpieces were... she'd say 'it prob has flowers..' hahahaha I didnt bother her with such things!!

ac_in_dc

That sucks that she's not reciprocating by taking an interest in your wedding.

Wedding gift amounts generally should be based on your budget and your affection for the couple getting married. It's really open-ended, and I'm hesitant to suggest an amount to you especially since you're from the NYC area and a lot of New Yorkers have crazy different points of view on "appropriate" amounts to spend on wedding gifts (my ex-H was from Long Island and the amount of $$ we received at our wedding shocked and overwhelmed me). So maybe check on your local board?

shibbygirl82

**I have no idea what I'd get from her since she cant come to mine... I wasnt expecting anything...

danieliza1127

Wow, you have gone above and beyond in the role of bridesmaid if you ask me. 

Spend what you feel comfortable with and what your budget allows.

wadingmoose

I agree with Dani, but honestly I couldn't see spending more than $50-75 more than what you've already spent on the wedding.

And be prepared that you may not receive a gift from her from what you've described.

shibbygirl82

oh local board is a good idea... a lot of people say to pay for your plate, but I have NO IDEA how much that is! I thought to call the venue..

kate51485

Wow.  You have been way more than just a bridesmaid, it sounds.  As for the gift, you should spend an amount you are comfortable spending.  If it were me I would not go above and beyond given that I would have already done so much.  I think I would definitely go with a smaller gift for the wedding.  If she has a registry maybe there are varying price ranges where you could find something on the lower end.  But, if you want to give something big, then that's very generous and I don't think you should refrain from doing so only because she's not as involved in your wedding.

FutureMrsTR

How were your invitations sent out before she was engaged, but she's getting married two weeks before you?  Just curious.

As far as spending goes, you've obviously gone above and beyond for her and it does suck that she's not being as supportive of you, but I wouldn't purposely spend less just because you're hurt.  But don't break the bank trying to keep up your "above and beyond-ness".

polichik

Have you mentioned this discrepancy to her? I'm the kind of person that needs to have everything out in the open. I've let people walk all over me before, and it's much better in the long run to (politely and calmly) let people know when they've hurt you.

shibbygirl82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43bda0b3-65e8-478b-b942-7c2678274344Post:54537f34-27d2-44ba-8210-53f7568e060e">Re: What to give</a>:
[QUOTE]How were your invitations sent out before she was engaged, but she's getting married two weeks before you?  Just curious.[/QUOTE]


**we sent out our save the dates a year in advance because it's a DW, sent the invitations in early Nov, she got engaged thanksgiving, picked this date in Dec...

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43bda0b3-65e8-478b-b942-7c2678274344Post:23318acb-9a8a-4307-b85d-158d4cae3a82">Re: What to give</a>:
[QUOTE]oh local board is a good idea... a lot of people say to pay for your plate, but I have NO IDEA how much that is! I thought to call the venue..
Posted by shibbygirl82[/QUOTE]

You do NOT need to do this.  You have already given a lot to this wedding.  If I were in your situation, I would probably give about half of what I normally give for a friend's wedding.

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43bda0b3-65e8-478b-b942-7c2678274344Post:c72b7de5-deb2-49ce-94b7-922e9723f887">Re: What to give</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to give : **we sent out our save the dates a year in advance because it's a DW, sent the invitations in early Nov, she got engaged thanksgiving, picked this date in Dec...
Posted by shibbygirl82[/QUOTE]

Wow. That was fast... Not that it's a bad thing, but it kind of sucks that she picked a date so close to yours. I know "you only get one day," but still, with you both as BMs in the other's wedding... Was there any particular reason that she chose that date?

shibbygirl82

as I said, I really didnt start feeling this way- or even noticed it till this past weekend when she couldnt come to any of the bachelorette festivities (even my little slumber party friday night which was freeeee)!  or even for a drink the next night at one of the dive bars we went to that was local! c'mon, $5 bud + whiskey shot and a taco truck in the back?  how could you say no to such things?!

BTW, if anyone is looking for an awesome idea for a bachelorette party, the day after the slumber party, we met up with more of my ladies and got pin up girl photos done (hair, make up, costumes!!)... SO MUCH FUN!!!!  I have the best MOH EVER! 

shibbygirl82

well, the most obvious reason would be pregnacy, but its not!  and the specific date had to also be a good luck day (she is chinese, her mom is superstitious)  but there are 11 other months in the year...

tannymcgee

I know how people are in nyc and long island and connecticut (obvi) but seriously -- give what you can afford and only what you can afford.  You have gone above and beyond already and are a great friend! 

shibbygirl82

Ok, thanks for the support everyone... us tri-state area ppl do not get off cheap with ANYTHING!!!  but the pizzas great ; )

Princess sugarcain

I think some of these people on here are cheaping out a bit...50 - 75 bucks...are they having there wedding in a barn???. chinese people like gifts, so give a gift and some money or not, she didn't even give you the decency to give you a gift when she RSVP'd no so a gift from her registry would be fine

shibbygirl82

actually my co worker and I were coming up with some other alternatives.. since she is getting an awesome photographer (my FI) free, we were thinking of retouching everything, putting it all on a disk, making some prints, possibly framing or doing some nice lay outs (we're both graphic designers).. this would be pretty expensive in NYC- a lot more than a typical $150-$200 wedding gift & its more from the heart...

tannymcgee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43bda0b3-65e8-478b-b942-7c2678274344Post:001aec85-96cb-44d4-9c3d-e85e5f8e2b22">Re: What to give</a>:
[QUOTE]I think some of these people on here are cheaping out a bit...50 - 75 bucks...are they having there wedding in a barn???. chinese people like gifts, so give a gift and some money or not, she didn't even give you the decency to give you a gift when she RSVP'd no so a gift from her registry would be fine
Posted by Princess sugarcain[/QUOTE]

well yes i am having my wedding in a barn.  with cows.  is there a problem with that?

cukimerrydoll

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43bda0b3-65e8-478b-b942-7c2678274344Post:b65642db-99e7-47ed-b9f8-bf21f9435cf1">Re: What to give</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What to give : well yes i am having my wedding in a barn.  with cows.  is there a problem with that?
Posted by tannymcgee[/QUOTE]
Come to think of it, mine used to be a stockyard exchange (largest in the world for a bit, actually).  Does that count?

shibbygirl82

a wedding in a barn with animals sounds awesome! a bit stinky though...

Clare13

I would look at your FI's photography as her wedding present.  He is not going to be able to enjoy the wedding  as a guest.  I would suggest printing off a few prints after if you want.  In this situation you are already giving a $1,000+ wedding present by having FI be a vendor.  She's lucky to have such willing friends who will do so much for her.  I hope she is being appreciative to your FI.