Bridesmaid and her boyfriend break up 2 weeks before wedding.. help!

lifequestion

This is a rough situation that breaks my heart. My bridesmaid and her boyfriend, whom I've actually known longer than my BM, have broken up, 2 weeks before my wedding. I feel very guilty for the pressure that's now on my BM to attend my wedding; I know I would not want to attend were I in her situation. I've talked to her about it and she seems to be fine with attending.

However, I just received an e-mail from her now ex-boyfriend saying that he, regretfully, is no longer able to attend the wedding. I'm sad that he won't be able to come spend the day with us, but I understand his decision.

My question for you is this: He asked for our address so he could send us gifts. I really feel guilty accepting gifts from him; part of the reason being he is a college student living off of scholarships. Another part is that I know we probably won't be seeing much of each other at all anymore, as our friendship was mostly established through my BM and I think it would be disrespectful of her to start hanging out with her ex after they've broken up. Is it rude to say, "It truly isn't necessary to send gifts; your well wishes are the greatest gift we could possibly ask for?" I don't want to refuse gifts he has already purchased, as I think that would be incredibly rude, but I don't want him to feel pressured to run out and buy us gifts, either.

How would you suggest I respond? I would call him, but I do not have his phone number.

SparrowSong

I'd just tell him you're disappointed, but you fully understand why he can't come, give him your address and phone number, and tell him you hope he keeps in touch. I wouldn't even mention the gift one way or the other. It is entirely up to him if he wants to send one. Maybe he feels like it's the least he can do, since he's cancelling at the last minute.

Midgie373

I would send him your address with no mention of gifts.  If he wants to send something he will.

On a side note, I don't know the details of the breakup, but if it was just your normal our lives are going in different directions kind of thing it's not disrespectful to remain friends with both parties.  If it was more of a he cheated on me, stole my credit cards, kicked my dog and gave me herpes breakup then that would be a different story.

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-her-boyfriend-break-up-2-weeks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4593febf-d584-4fee-9b3e-0c284df9978cPost:5de00ae9-8c04-4f5d-87b4-5616a7fe5ba5">Re: Bridesmaid and her boyfriend break up 2 weeks before wedding.. help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd just tell him you're disappointed, but you fully understand why he can't come, give him your address and phone number, and tell him you hope he keeps in touch. I wouldn't even mention the gift one way or the other. It is entirely up to him if he wants to send one. Maybe he feels like it's the least he can do, since he's cancelling at the last minute.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

Precisely this. It's exactly what I was going to say.

lifequestion

Thanks so much! I appreciate your advice, and I will take it.

One thing that I left out of the OP is that he also said, "Or we could arrange a time to meet so I can give you the gifts." Since we have known each other for 7+ years and live locally, it would seem cold to me to just give him our address, but on the other hand, I don't want him to think we're only meeting up with him to get our gifts. Am I looking too much into this? I don't want to upset anyone during such a difficult time.

It would seem much more natural to me to send my FI to meet with him, as they have a lot in common and get along very well. I also wouldn't want to make him feel like a third wheel. Would that be weird?

Oh, social interaction. You're so lost on me.

Midgie373

Why not have him over for dinner?  That doesn't look gift-grabby to me.

ETA:

Since you've only got two weeks to go, I would suggest dinner some time after the wedding. 

notquiteblushing

I would send him your address.  It's really not up to you if he gives you a gift or not.  As for meeting in person, that is up to you.  If you think iit would upset your BM if she found out then don't do it.  Just say something vague like "hope we see you soon."  If everyone was acting their age, then your BM should accept the fact that you have decided to maintain a friendship with this person but with two weeks to go I would err on the side of drama-free right now.

sarah0725

I think you're dithering about this an awful lot. First of all, it's his business to decide whether or not he is financially able to give you a wedding gift, student or not. If he's going to be gracious enough to do it, you should accept it with equal grace.

Second of all, if you've known him longer than your BM, I don't see why you feel immediately that you're going to cut him out of your life. What are the circumstances of the breakup?

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-her-boyfriend-break-up-2-weeks-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4593febf-d584-4fee-9b3e-0c284df9978cPost:d3cdb0e2-4745-4448-8084-7b56b38f47a8">Re: Bridesmaid and her boyfriend break up 2 weeks before wedding.. help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're dithering about this an awful lot. First of all, it's his business to decide whether or not he is financially able to give you a wedding gift, student or not. If he's going to be gracious enough to do it, you should accept it with equal grace.<strong> Second of all, if you've known him longer than your BM, I don't see why you feel immediately that you're going to cut him out of your life</strong>. What are the circumstances of the breakup?
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]


This is my first thought. I think we need more details to give accurate help, because like a pp said, if he cheated on her it's a completely different situation than a mutual breakup.