Wedding Etiquette Forum

Issue with 'Ma'am'?

Awhile back, H helped some older (but not old, just older than us) woman out. She asked him something and he said yes ma'am. She immediately got nasty and said 'don't call me ma'am, I don't like it'. Now there's a discussion on TN about it.

I'm from the South and even though I'm from Cali, my Southern dad raised me. I've always ma'am and sir'd everyone older than me. H was raised the some way.

Some people find it offensive or condescending?
"In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
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Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?

  • If a little kid calls me ma'am, like the ones I taught in 5th grade, I'm cool with it. However, one of the students here called me that, and it just made me feel old. I appreciated the manners, and said so, but asked him not to say that.

    I'd rather youth err on the side of caution and say ma'am and sir (and I do - at least I believe that I do), and if someone says please don't, then I respect that.

    But I see both sides.
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  • Some people do.  I find it silly to get offended over something like that, but people get offended for a lot less.  I think you just need to judge your crowd.  You don't hear Ma'am up here very often at all, but when I'm in the South, even I will say it because it's polite manners in a lot of circumstances.
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  • I don't think so.  I've been "ma'am'd" a few times, and my reaction is usually one of amusement, because I don't think I'm old enough to be considered a "ma'am".  But I'm never offended.  I think getting mad at someone for a display of courtesy, no matter how misguided, is kind of a shiitty thing to do.  Sort of like women who bark at men who open doors for them.  They're trying to be gentlemen, not condescending, for the love of God.  Just thank them kindly and move on!
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  • It's more depressing than offensive or condescending.
  • H does the same thing and that's how he was raised.  To me, it's just silly to even get bothered by a stranger calling you ma'am.  I mean, he could have said a lot of other things, so take the respect someone is giving you and let it go.
  • The other day the teenage bagger at the grocery store said it to me and in my head I was like I am not a ma'am I am 26 years old!!!!!! LOL But I am not offended by it at all. I think it shows nice manners and respect.
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  • People get their panties in a bunch over the oddest things. I didn't like it when a girl only 5 years younger than me called me ma'am, but I'd never yell at her for having good manners.
  • I say ma'am all the time. It's a courtesy to say it and I would feel weird saying Miss to an older woman. But I hate being called ma'am because it makes me feel old. So I can see both sides.
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  • I have heard that before, LVB.

    While I don't really like being called "ma'am", I deal with it. Being raised in the North and moved to the South as an adult, it was definitely something that was hard for me to adjust to.

    It is really just a respect thing. I don't see why anyone could get offensive over it, but I know it does happen.

    On a related topic, I used to call my best friends parents "Mrs. or Mr." Her Mom told me one day to not call her that b/c it made her feel old, just to use their first names. Of course, I felt weird doing so and was afraid my parents were going to yell at me for not being respectful. But once I explained it to my parents, they were cool with it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:27235bb2-3184-42af-9293-9a6e40b46301">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's more depressing than offensive or condescending.
    Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

    THAT I can get with. Unless it's like Missy said and it's a little child. I get that it might indicate age (I don't agree with it, just understand it), but I can't imagine it being condescending.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I do it all the time. What are you supposed to call someone when you need to get their attention and don't know their name? I'd think "Miss", "Darling", "Sweetie", or just "Hey Lady" would be a lot more offensive. 
  • I don't think that I've ever been called ma'am.

    My roommate has, and she was seriously offended by it.  She said it made her feel really old, and she thought it was condescending.

    TBH, I would only use it on someone *much* older.  I think your H has really good manners, and "ma'am" and "sir" have sort of fallen out of practice with the younger generation, at least around here.  And as a result, their connotation with age is not well-received.
  • I don't see how showing someone respect is condescending.  I understand that people may prefer not to be called ma'am, however if someone does just say, "I prefer not to be referred to as ma'am" and then if they keep calling you that than get nasty.  It's pretty obvious that the intent by addressing someone as ma'am was not to be snarky or rude. 

    I was watching one of those cop shows the other day and this lady got seriously all up in arms and starting going off on a security door man because he addressed her as Ms Last Name.  She said he was being rude by calling her that.  She got so up in arms that the police were called and she literally told the police lady she was acting a fool because someone called her Ms Lastname.....which of course is just how the police lady was addressing her because in the real world isn't that the polite way to address people? 

    then the girls mother showed up all 8 forms of ghetto and realized this chick would rather be called, "hey b*tchwh*reface" then anything proper.  It was sad. 
  • I'm in the military, so I often say Sir and Ma'am.  If I'm ordering food in a restaurant, and the waitress asks me if I want more tea, I say "yes, ma'am."  It's a sign of respect.  It has nothing to do with age. 
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  • And I even had a parent of a child in my class that wanted me to ensure that her child said "yes ma'am" when one of his teachers asked him a question.
  • I guess I don't think of it as a term of address for an old person, just for a female person, so consequently I don't mind being ma'amed. I always giggle when someone calls me "Miss", though, because it makes me feel like a dainty lacy thing.

    I'm also with Baystate on the yelling at people for being courteous thing. Nothing wrong with a little chivalry - I think that's one reason I like ballroom dancing so much.
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  • I only say ma'am to be funny. Like YES MA'AM.

    I get more offended when a waiter/waitress comes to my table and asks " Can I get you GIRLS anything?"

    OH MY GOD, drives me fucking mental.
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  • I've always seen ma'am/sir as something you say to someone who is crackin' the whip. YES MA'AM! YES SIR!

    I don't find it to be an endearing term by any means, and I don't necessarily equate it with be respectful by any means either, but I also don't find it to be horribly disrespectful, either.
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  • I once dated a guy who referred to his mom as ma'am.  She would call his name and he would say, "ma'am?" - and if he would have said, "what?" she'd probably have bent his 25 year old self over her knee and spanked the sh*t out of him. 
  • AND, I think if anyone seriously called me ma'am, I'd laugh in their face. Which, of course, would be more disrespectful than calling someone ma'am to begin with, but whatever. It's just an antiquated term to me.
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  • I can't stand it when I'm honeyed or sweetied. I am not your honey and I am not your sweety. I'm not even FI's honey or sweety. We are not honey and sweety type of people.
  • I am with Stacks on this one, I see it more as a form of respect and find it a little weird that people would think it is offensive. I worked at a bank from ages 18-22 and was called ma'am all the time by customers. For most of that time, I worked on a college campus, and so many of the people saying this were my age or not much older. I really never minded. It felt a little weird since I do feel too young to be considered a "ma'am", but I wasn't upset by it. I knew they were doing it to be respectful of the person helping them.

    I've been called a hell of a lot worse while working at the bank, letmetellyouWHAT. Ya know, like the guy who robbed me and called me a bitch. good times.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:ab8fe510-e88a-4fa8-a062-1a3cd0f78775">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I once dated a guy who referred to his mom as ma'am.  She would call his name and he would say, "ma'am?" - and if he would have said, "what?" she'd probably have bent his 25 year old self over her knee and spanked the sh*t out of him. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    Now THAT is a woman who knows how to run a household! :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:b2c0b525-5dd7-43c3-9240-cbf10f7a1085">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can't stand it when I'm honeyed or sweetied. I am not your honey and I am not your sweety. I'm not even FI's honey or sweety. We are not honey and sweety type of people.
    Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

    Oh my god this annoys the crap out of me. This is what I find disrespectful and I would call someone out on it. I'd also like to add baby to this list.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:fef7b946-1934-437b-839f-478b57b97db0">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have heard that before, LVB. While I don't really like being called "ma'am", I deal with it. Being raised in the North and moved to the South as an adult, it was definitely something that was hard for me to adjust to. It is really just a respect thing. I don't see why anyone could get offensive over it, but I know it does happen. On a related topic,<strong> I used to call my best friends parents "Mrs. or Mr." Her Mom told me one day to not call her that b/c it made her feel old, just to use their first names.</strong> Of course, I felt weird doing so and was afraid my parents were going to yell at me for not being respectful. But once I explained it to my parents, they were cool with it.
    Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

    I haven't noticed anyone call me ma'am before, but I don't think it would really bother me at all.  I wouldn't perceive it as condescending or depressing.

    Missy, my FFIL did the same with me.  I started dating my FI in high school, so at the time I called his dad Mr. Firstname.  Eventually, FFIL said I should just call him Firstname instead of Mr., since he felt I was old enough to refer to him that way.  It came easy for his mom, but for some reason, I still find it hard not to call his dad Mr. Firstname.


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  • Yes Birdie.  She never understood why I was scared of her. 
  • I think it's somewhat silly to be offended by it. It's meant to be respectful. My dad is nearing 60, and he calls everyone sir and ma'am, regardless of how old they are.

    I did find it a bit amusing when the teenage cashier at the grocery store called me "ma'am."
  • I think if you (general you) get pissy over a standard and generally accepted as polite thing like being called ma'am, then your ridiculous insecurities ought not be made my problem.
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  • It's just such a ....cold term. And it seems very disingenuous when I hear it used. I mean, I wouldn't ever get offended over it, but yeah. I don't find it to be the most respectful way to address people either.

    It's a weird word. The lady at Verizon on the phone other day called me ma'am and I asked her to call me Christy.  It's very uncomfortable to me.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:3788e007-f2b8-4214-818b-0712a25a0f05">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's just such a ....cold term. And it seems very disingenuous when I hear it used. I mean, I wouldn't ever get offended over it, but yeah. I don't find it to be the most respectful way to address people either. It's a weird word. The lady at Verizon on the phone other day called me ma'am and I asked her to call me Christy.  It's very uncomfortable to me.
    Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
    How do you mean disingenous? Like, you don't think they're being sincerely polite when you get called ma'am?
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