Wedding Etiquette Forum

Questioning the dress

So I know this is not the right board, but you guys give great advice and people's feelings are involved, so maybe its not totally wrong.

So my mom wanted to make my dress.  It was important to her though she said that shouldn't be the reason I chose the dress.  We also went to look at dresses and I found one I loved, though everyone else said other styles were "me."  I also found a pattern that was great.  I figured I would love it more if my mom made it (it means more if that makes sense), and she said it meant a lot that she could make it.  Lastly, making it costs about %10 of the cost of buying it.  So I decided to have her make it, she was so happy about it she cried (not something she does).  

So after she starts she tells my Fi that she wishes she could have just bought me a dress.  Grrrr!  She wanted to make it, she made that very clear.  It meant a lot to her.  

Now I'm wishing that I just bought the one in the store.  I know she is just scared of making it and it was just a passing comment, but how do I get over this feeling that I should have gone with something else?  Once it is made I'm sure I'll love it too, and in fact it will be better because my mother made it.  For now though I'm just upset about it all, and wish I went with something else.  How do I stop feeling this way?  Also, how do I stop feeling annoyed that my mom wanted to do something then seems to be acting like I'm taking advantage of her?  
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Re: Questioning the dress

  • How much sewing experience does your mother have?  Is a wedding dress within her scope?

    Could you say something diplomatically to her along the lines of: "Mom, I want you to enjoy the wedding planning process, and I'm wondering if making my dress will be more stressful than it's worth?  Do you really want to do this?"  It's easier for her to back out if you give her an easy out.

    But if you think she's going to make you the best wedding dress you could possibly have, I would just encourage her and tell her how happy you are that she's doing something so meaningful for her.  Remind her why she was so happy about making your dress.
  • You and your mom seem close. I say just go talk to her about it, and see if she's having second thoughts.

    Making a wedding dress is a huge undertaking and could easily become overwhelming, especially if it's for your own daughter. I would think that as your mother, she wants your wedding day to be as perfect as possible, and she's probably terrified of making it.

    If she's having second thoughts, then fine, go buy a dress. I think that you just need to communicate with her about it soon.
  • I agree with PPs. My mom is a seamstress and has made me tons of clothes in my life, but she isn't making my wedding dress because 1) I live in a different state, so logistically, fittings would be difficult and 2) she does a lot of formal dress alterations, but a wedding dress is a huge project and I'm not sure she wouldn't be too emotional to do it.

    I would honestly confront her and say, "You know, that dress I tried on at x store was really great. If you aren't sure about making this dress, I could buy that." Make sure you let her know that you're willing to put your own money towards it (since making a dress is often much cheaper than buying one).
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  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited June 2010
    Ok, you guys have good points.  I don't know if she is just scared or not, she made my sister's (though we have different taste) so I never thought it would be that scary.  I could offer to buy the dress, I just don't want to insult her.  She should be able to do it, and said she could, and she can be easily insulted if you imply she can't do things.  I'm not meaning to say she has to do it or anything, just that I don't want to insult her, and that I believe she can do it.    

    Ok, thanks, I'll have to try the talking, though I'm worried she will feel like I'm insulting her.  Also I need to feel less annoyed at the whole situation.  I know that part is not fair, and thats why I want to stop feeling that way.  Anyway, thanks for listening and for all your help.
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  • one way to go about it might be not saying "i'm scared you can't do it" but go more along the route of "i'm really concerned about putting you under too much stress, or putting too much pressure on you. you're the mother of the bride, i don't want you to be the seamstress of the bride! i want you to be happy and enjoy this experience with me!"
    i also agree with PPs, it sounds like you're close with your mom. i think that you know how she would react and how you can handle it. but you really don't want to be unhappy with your dress simply because it means a lot. the whole wedding will mean a lot for your mom.

    also see if there is something smaller that your mom can make for you. like any DIY projects you're doing, try doing them together to make them more meaningful.
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  • why dont you just tell her that if she feels overwhelmed with it that you guys still have the option of buying the dress, and that it might take a ton a load of your mom. I am sure she just wants to be apart of the wedding. I agree maybe have her help with something else. When Fi's sister got married she didnt talk to her mom about the wedding at all...she wouldnt even let her pick her, the MOB dress.  She did however let her make her dress bc their budget was low and thats all that they could afford I know Fi's mom was grateful but i could tell she was a little more hurt that she wasn't more in the planning process. Thats why i am trying to get her involved in the planning with our wedding. Sometimes thats all it takes is asking someones opinion on things.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questioning-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46c405dc-b2f6-4c33-8f76-69ab5a3dc335Post:99240bf3-24af-4c92-b3c6-e248e13bbb61">Re: Questioning the dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]How much sewing experience does your mother have?  Is a wedding dress within her scope? Could you say something diplomatically to her along the lines of: <strong>"Mom, I want you to enjoy the wedding planning process, and I'm wondering if making my dress will be more stressful than it's worth?  Do you really want to do this?"</strong>  It's easier for her to back out if you give her an easy out. But if you think she's going to make you the best wedding dress you could possibly have, I would just encourage her and tell her how happy you are that she's doing something so meaningful for her.  Remind her why she was so happy about making your dress.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    I think she stated it perfectly.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_questioning-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46c405dc-b2f6-4c33-8f76-69ab5a3dc335Post:99240bf3-24af-4c92-b3c6-e248e13bbb61">Re: Questioning the dress</a>:
    [QUOTE]How much sewing experience does your mother have?  Is a wedding dress within her scope? Could you say something diplomatically to her along the lines of: <strong>"Mom, I want you to enjoy the wedding planning process, and I'm wondering if making my dress will be more stressful than it's worth?  Do you really want to do this?" </strong> It's easier for her to back out if you give her an easy out. But if you think she's going to make you the best wedding dress you could possibly have, I would just encourage her and tell her how happy you are that she's doing something so meaningful for her.  Remind her why she was so happy about making your dress.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]


    This
  • Thanks, I'll do that.  It might also help as she has been really involved in all of it and offered to make the BM dresses too, and her own.  I'll have a chat with her about making sure she really is enjoying it, and if she is she can talk to me, not make comments to Fi.
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  • As others said, I think if you make the talk more about "Is this too stressfull with everything you're helping me with?" rather than "are you sure you're up to this?" sort of thing, it should all be just fine!

    Also, I was an event planner for 10 years, and have planned many of my friend's weddings for free, halfway through I always say something like "WHY the hell did I agree to DO THIS?" But really, I love the whole process and wouldn't change a thing. She was most likely just having a panic moment, which we all do, so really- don't stress out about it too much. Its like women in labor yelling they hate their husbands and wished they weren't pregnant- they don't really mean any of it- it's just a 'labor' of love.
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