Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest

kararoyale

I'm having a little issue on how to proceed with my save-the-dates and then invitations.  

Neither of our families live in the state we live and will getting married, and my fiances family isn't super social or into parties, so we want to do a very small & intimate ceremony with just immediate family and close friends and then a few hours later a reception with more friends invited.  

Do I send out separate save-the-dates for each?  One stating wedding and one stating reception.  Or do I just send out all the same save-the-dates then make the ceremony/reception distinction in the invitations that follow?? 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Send a save the date for a "reception celebrating the marriage of..."

Or don't even really specify.

For the invitations, you send an invitation to the reception (using the above wording in place of marriage or wedding). Then you can include an insert which says, "please join us for an initmate wedding ceremony" for those invited to the ceremony.

AriesAngel86

How intimate are you talking?

blgrout

MS has wise advice.  I would send the save the date with no extra information, just the date, since that's their sole purpose anyways.

ootmother2

Either just save the date or save the date for the reception, it's not even necessary to give the venue at this time

DramaGeek

Dumb question - how does having a small ceremony and larger reception on the same day help with the fact that your families live out of state and are not into parties?  I'm just not sure what you're trying to accomplish with this.

MizzusSmith

My fiance and I are having a very small ceremony, followed by a larger reception. We did not send out save-the-dates, we just sent out two seperate invitations. One of the invitations said "You're invitied to our wedding" and the other said "Announcing our Wedding: You are invited to our reception" The different times and places will help, as well.  We also directed guests to our wedding site (one of the Knot's free ones! I love it!), where we say that the chapel is small and therefore we will only be holding the ceremony for close friends and family. That seems to have done the trick with those who visited the site.  

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:581a5a92-2001-4f5a-97f6-56b466ec05f7">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Dumb question - how does having a small ceremony and larger reception on the same day help with the fact that your families live out of state and are not into parties?  I'm just not sure what you're trying to accomplish with this.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
Not a dumb question at all... I couldn't make the leap of logic either.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:581a5a92-2001-4f5a-97f6-56b466ec05f7">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Dumb question - how does having a small ceremony and larger reception on the same day help with the fact that your families live out of state and are not into parties?  I'm just not sure what you're trying to accomplish with this.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]


I had the same thought. I would be much less likely to travel from out of state to a reception than to both the ceremony and reception. But it's too late in the day for me to care that much.

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:f3f00813-abd8-4adb-bcda-2dab25221ef5">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest : I had the same thought. I would be much less likely to travel from out of state to a reception than to both the ceremony and reception. But it's too late in the day for me to care that much.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

That was exactly my thought.  I guess my point re: the STDs is that if I got one, I'd assume I was invited to the whole enchilada.  I'd be pretty ticked if I found out I booked a ticket or made travel arrangements and then found out I wasn't actually invited to the wedding.

kararoyale

Let me better explain... the info about my fiance's family wasn't neccessary, my apologies.  Of course anyone who is coming in from out of state is invited to BOTH.  It's the friends IN STATE that will only be getting invites for the reception. 

Thank you to those with positive & helpful replies. 

redheadfsu

This is only allowed if it is really an intimate ceremony. As in parents, grandparents and siblings only. No friends.

Otherwise what you are planning is very rude as what you are saying is we what you to give us a gift, but I don't like you enough to let you see my ceremony.

kararoyale

WOW. ok that's not at all what we are saying. gifts aren't nessecary at all, we just want friends to come eat with us and celebrate.  

I'm amazed at some of these rude replies. 

monkeysip

To be fair, OP, your original post didn't make much sense, so people responded pointing that out.  They weren't rude... but didn't understand what you were saying.

Now that we understand better, it still seems that you could be committing an etiquette faux pas.  We're only trying to keep you from doing that.

There are some people that have intimate ceremonies and large receptions.  But the numbers would usually be like 20 at the ceremony, and a 100 or more at the reception, or something like that.  If you were to invite 50 to the ceremony and 100 to the reception, it makes those 50 that didn't get invited to the ceremony feel bad. 

The more information you give us, the better replies you'll get.

[Deleted User]

OP, it is not rude to point out that your plan is a breach of etiquette, and the message that your breach of etiquette will send whether or not that's your intention.

DramaGeek

In Response to Re:Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest:[QUOTE]WOW. ok that's not at all what we are saying. gifts aren't nessecary at all, we just want friends to come eat with us and celebrate. nbsp;I'm amazed at some of these rude replies.nbsp; Posted by kararoyale[/QUOTE]

So why not have your friends come witness your union first, then eat and celebrate? I'm just confused why you'd risk offending people by inviting them to the reception only. As others have stated, very small ie immediate family only ceremonies followed by large receptions are usually ok, but if you're looking at 30 at the ceremony and 100 at the reception, you're saying that 1/3 of your guests are better than the others.

AriesAngel86

The responses are here to help you. If you went along with your plan, it's pretty likely you would hurt/offend people. 

davenport52803

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:59a47214-fc26-4fca-b145-dc5fac860cfa">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW. ok that's not at all what we are saying. gifts aren't nessecary at all, we just want friends to come eat with us and celebrate.   I'm amazed at some of these rude replies. 
Posted by kararoyale[/QUOTE]

I agree with what you are saying here. Inviting people to the ceremony costs you nothing really, and you are hosting them at the reception, so you are spending money on your guests to come.  A gift is never required, so you should never expect one as you say. 

I know proper "etiquette" says that they should be invited to both, but I've always wondered why it is rude to invite someone to the reception only, since that is typically where you spend your money hosting them.  I can see how its rude to invite to ceremony only, but not the opposite. 

Also, I also find it funny when people say you are being "gift grabby" by inviting them  to the reception only, since again, you are spending money to host them at the reception, and gifts aren't required. 

Mrs.B6302007

Still looking for the rude replies....

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:881a31cd-1bc4-4ce9-835f-85d2838993a7">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest : I agree with what you are saying here. Inviting people to the ceremony costs you nothing really, and you are hosting them at the reception, so you are spending money on your guests to come.  A gift is never required, so you should never expect one as you say.  I know proper "etiquette" says that they should be invited to both, but I've always wondered why it is rude to invite someone to the reception only, since that is typically where you spend your money hosting them.  I can see how its rude to invite to ceremony only, but not the opposite.  Also, I also find it funny when people say you are being "gift grabby" by inviting them  to the reception only, since again, you are spending money to host them at the reception, and gifts aren't required. 
Posted by davenport52803[/QUOTE]

Gifts aren't required but come on.  Don't you feel like you need to bring a gift when you receive an invitation to anything that is a celebration? Don't you feel the need to bring even just a little something (wine, cheesecake, etc) to a casual dinner party?  I would still feel the need to bring a gift especially if I knew that someone was dropping some hefty change to feed and entertain me.

Gifts aside, I would be bothered about receiving a reception-only invitation because I enjoy watching the ceremony; I like to be witness to a couple's wedding vows.  I would feel a bit cheated (maybe slighted is the better word?) out of the joy of watching a couple start their new life together.  I would also be a bit aggravated that I would need to arrange child care, get dressed up and give up a weekend (presumably) evening but not get to be included at the ceremony.  If I'm going to do all of that, I would expect a ceremony invitation as well.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:5b8c5727-e59b-443d-97d4-924e7fa2d67c">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me better explain... the info about my fiance's family wasn't neccessary, my apologies.  Of course anyone who is coming in from out of state is invited to BOTH.  It's the friends IN STATE that will only be getting invites for the reception.  Thank you to those with positive & helpful replies. 
Posted by kararoyale[/QUOTE]

<div>Gifts aside, how could you think that your friends wouldn't be hurt to be excluded from part of the event?  </div>

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:5fb97082-ff9a-4bda-bedc-1371d87c7b25">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Still looking for the rude replies....
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]
Check the OP's posts.  They're pretty damn rude, imo.<div>
</div><div>OP - if you post asking for advice, expect advice.  No one is going to sugar coat it for you - that's what your family and friends will do if you follow through on your plan.  They'll act happy and excited to your face and behind your back you'll forever be "Oh yeah, remember when she went all Bridezilla and didn't even invite me to the ceremony?  What was THAT about?"</div>

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-guest-vs-reception-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46d3b953-59b3-485f-ae48-07e4d29a1815Post:881a31cd-1bc4-4ce9-835f-85d2838993a7">Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Guest vs Reception Guest : I agree with what you are saying here. Inviting people to the ceremony costs you nothing really, and you are hosting them at the reception, so you are spending money on your guests to come.  A gift is never required, so you should never expect one as you say.  I know proper "etiquette" says that they should be invited to both, but I've always wondered why it is rude to invite someone to the reception only, since that is typically where you spend your money hosting them.  I can see how its rude to invite to ceremony only, but not the opposite.  Also, I also find it funny when people say you are being "gift grabby" by inviting them  to the reception only, since again, you are spending money to host them at the reception, and gifts aren't required. 
Posted by davenport52803[/QUOTE]
It's rude because people come to weddings to see you get married - not to party.

bayoumaharajah

Some faiths, like the Mormon faith only allow very small ceremonies with members of that religion attending. I'm not saying that is the situation the OP posted about, but in a case like that inviting your friends only to the reception would seem to be the appropriate thing to do so I think the concept of inviting some people to the reception only makes sense. Just in very specific circumstances. 

rachiella

People tend to understand as long as you don't have "close friends."

We wanted to get married at a place that only held 40 people. Though that sounds like a lot, because of our large families we quickly filled the space with immediate family. Friends understood that it was a family only wedding.

Most of the guests came from out of state and did it knowing that they were only coming to the reception. Actually for some of them it was helpful cost wise because they were able to come to town the morning of instead of the night before - saving them a night in the hotel.

The only friend at the ceremony was my bridesmaid, who had travel from AK to the east coast to be there. People also understood that. The only issues was family that wasn't as immediate. I think they took some offense.

We did need to send out two seperate invitations. Keep in mind that this will drive your costs up. We had to place to seperate orders for the inviations. Typically the first 25 inviations are very pricey, but each 25 past that isn't tons more. We missed out on volume discounts.