Am I doing this the right way??

lisa3185

M

07ultraclassic

It sounds like a beautiful day, but why the dress up?  If you're trying to keep it low key, just feed the guests and enjoy your mingle time with them. (that's all they'll be there for anyway.)

Put some pics of your DW ceremony up around the room and let them share that with you, no need to replicate the ceremony, just enjoy your day with them.

Just my 2 cts.

ElleB87

I agree with PP, the brunch sounds lovely but I wouldn't dress up in wedding attire (H's mom wanted us to do this after we got back from our private DW and I was like...umm no, everyone will be in jeans and tshirts and I'll be in a wedding gown? Awkward much.)

Edit: Sorry I skimmed some of the OP...please, please please DO NOT do a cash bar. It sounds like you're offering an adequate amount of beverages as it is and I'm thinking that most people aren't going to need hard liquor between noon and 4 PM.

Habs2Hart

Ya, I'd leave out the cash bar, the pre-wedding festivities (since it's rude to invite anyone to them who aren't invited to the actual wedding and it's just you two... so...), and the wedding dress with the train and you'll be fine. Wear a nice white dress if you want, but I'd stay away from a wedding gown.  Maybe a cute short reception type dress would be good. 

The cash bar is a bad idea.  You are serving several varieties of drinks and it's brunch, I don't think you need the cash bar items.  If you want, add beer to the hosted drinks, but you should be fine with the 4 items you are hosting. 

Pre-wedding festivities are something you forfeit if you are eloping. Because it is incredibly rude to invite anyone to the pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the wedding, you cannot have one.  Decline and tell them why. 

dori851

I would leave out the cash bar, pre-wedding festivities, & the bridal gown. Other than that, the brunch/party/whatever sounds great.

myname1234

everything Habs said!!

Laurmi

It sort of sounds like you're having two weddings....just saying. 

Laura

KatWAG

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:5220fc0c-ab29-4367-9dff-6636680ce5a2">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree cash bar sucks but my according to my FI family and I quote "<strong>most people in our family do not drink any of the beverages provided so at a minimum a cash bar needs to be available"  what do I say to that?</strong>  I am truly considering hosting the beer and wine bc I hate cash bar too. The reason for the formal attire...our venue is a formal place, jeans and tees are in no way acceptable.  I have no intention on being decked out in wedding gown with a train, fancy hair and make up etc... I do see myself in a long gown simple hair simple makeup.  My FI will not be in a tux rater he will be in a tan suit. Explanation of pre-wedding festivities...our families want to host a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  I dont feel that i am entitled to a shower but moms are insisting.<strong>  I dont see a problem with the bachelor/bachelorette parties</strong>. Just bc we are having a private dw doesnt mean we cant celebrate with our friends. 
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

 If this is the case then you need to pay for it. If you cant afford it then either change what you are offering or don't offer it. Why would you offer mimosas and bloody mary's if most people don't drink them?

Also, it is very rude to have B parties/ showers when the guests are invited to the actual wedding. You are saying "bring me a gift but you aren't important enough to be part of the big day."

Like habs said, you sacrifice some things when you choose to elope.</div>

Snippylynn

My mom insisted on my having a bridal shower with people that weren't invited to the wedding and I gave in. I really regret that I did because it was a terrible time and awkward.

Habs2Hart

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:5220fc0c-ab29-4367-9dff-6636680ce5a2">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree cash bar sucks but my according to my FI family and I quote "most people in our family do not drink any of the beverages provided so at a minimum a cash bar needs to be available"  what do I say to that? <strong> I am truly considering hosting the beer and wine bc I hate cash bar too.</strong>

The reason for the formal attire...our venue is a formal place, jeans and tees are in no way acceptable.  I have no intention on being decked out in wedding gown with a train, fancy hair and make up etc... <strong>I do see myself in a long gown simple hair simple makeup.</strong>  My FI will not be in a tux rater he will be in a tan suit.

Explanation of pre-wedding festivities...our families want to host a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  I<strong> dont feel that i am entitled to a shower but moms are insisting.</strong>  I dont see a problem with the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Just bc we are having a private dw doesnt mean we cant celebrate with our friends. 
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

Then host those.  They don't need to be on the island with the fancy drinks, but they should be hosted. 

That's okay, as long as it doesn't scream pretty princess day re-creation.  Simple and elegant is perfectly acceptable.  I thought I had read train in your first post.

I honestly don't have a problem with bach/bachelorette parties as long as you aren't getting people who aren't attending your wedding to pay for your party and all your drinks.  Have a night out with the guys/girls and celebrate, but pay for yourself. 

The shower needs to be declined.  You are a grown woman and no is not a four letter word.  Stand up for this, you aren't entitled, even people who have 300+ on a guest list are not entitled to a shower.  Nobody is.  If nobody is invited to the wedding, showers are incredibly gift grabby.  Just explain this to her and source Emily post or another reputable etiquette source. 

</div>

myname1234

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:5220fc0c-ab29-4367-9dff-6636680ce5a2">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree cash bar sucks but my according to my <strong>FI family and I quote "most people in our family do not drink any of the beverages provided so at a minimum a cash bar needs to be available"  what do I say to that?</strong>  I am truly considering hosting the beer and wine bc I hate cash bar too. The reason for the formal attire...our venue is a formal place, jeans and tees are in no way acceptable.  I have no intention on being decked out in wedding gown with a train, fancy hair and make up etc... I do see myself in a long gown simple hair simple makeup.  My FI will not be in a tux rater he will be in a tan suit. Explanation of pre-wedding festivities...our families want to host a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  I dont feel that i am entitled to a shower but moms are insisting.  I <strong>dont see a problem with the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Just bc we are having a private dw doesnt mean we cant celebrate with our friends. 
</strong>Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

bold point 1:
host what they will drink - cut some of the extras if  you need to save some money


bold point 2:
From an etiquette standpoint, it DOES mean you can't celebrate with your friends.  You don't invite people to a pre-wedding party unless you invite them to the wedding.  Bach party IS a pre-wedding party so the rule still applies here.  If you want to party with them before hand, have a bon voyage party instead.  Keep it non-wedding related.

I may be misreading this, but I get the overall vibe from these that you're a helpless victim in the bad etiquette circus.  This board will not give you "permission" to behave badly because mommy and daddy say so.   If you're old enough to get married, you should be old enough to say no too.

redheadfsu

1. Do not have pre-wedding parties. You give that up with a private DW. (I had a DW and I turned all of the offers down. Just say, "thanks for the offer, but I don't feel comfortable.") It is VERY tacky to have pre-wedding parties with people not invited to the actual wedding.

2. Do not have a cash bar. Either say no to the in-laws or host more options. And/or move up the event. Make it from 10 am-2p.m - people won't drink a lot that early.

3. Formal? I would find another venue. I don't want to be formal for just a brunch party.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:5220fc0c-ab29-4367-9dff-6636680ce5a2">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally agree cash bar sucks but my according to my FI family and I quote "most people in our family do not drink any of the beverages provided so at a minimum a cash bar needs to be available"  what do I say to that? <strong> I am truly considering hosting the beer and wine bc I hate cash bar too</strong>. The reason for the formal attire...our venue is a formal place, jeans and tees are in no way acceptable.  I have no intention on being decked out in wedding gown with a train, fancy hair and make up etc... I do see myself in a long gown simple hair simple makeup.  My FI will not be in a tux rater he will be in a tan suit. Explanation of pre-wedding festivities...our families want to host a bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  I dont feel that i am entitled to a shower but <strong>moms are insisting</strong>.  <strong>I dont see a problem with the bachelor/bachelorette parties. Just bc we are having a private dw doesnt mean we cant celebrate with our friends</strong>. 
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

Yes, please host the beer and wine because like you know cash bars are rude.

Even though the mothers are insisting on shower you politely but forcefully decline their offers...let them know that since this is a private wedding it would be rude to have a shower when none of the guests will be invited to the actual wedding.

Yes, you can celebrate with your friends but I would not call it a bach party.  Just go out with your girls one night but leave the tiara with veil, bride banner and penis straws at home.

meg65

PPs have all the major issues covered, but am I the only one who thinks it's weird to have a brunch in the afternoon? I don't think I'd want to eat waffles and eggs in the middle of the day. Just saying.

sparent2010

Well you shouldn't register so turning down showers is easy.

Amynutrition

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:a1be5cdc-ae49-490a-a3aa-0afa2abcab68">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but what is the point of having a private destination wedding to come home and have a big party? If you are going to host a party, why not do it as the wedding (you know, get married first) and then have a private destination honeymoon?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking. What you are planning sounds like a brunch-food wedding reception, not a "low key brunch" (gown/suit, formal venue, drink island, cash bar, omelette station, centerpieces, place cards /favors, cup cake tower, cake-cutting, dance floor). Is that what you want or is your family pushing you to have a big wedding?

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:3da90714-18eb-471f-b760-8eded9de321d">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]PPs have all the major issues covered, but am I the only one who thinks it's weird to have a brunch in the afternoon? I don't think I'd want to eat waffles and eggs in the middle of the day. Just saying.
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I was thinking that as well, if I was invited to a brunch party, I'd expect 10-2 or something like that.  </div><div>
</div><div>And PPs said it right, you don't get a shower, sorry.  Also, you can go out with your friends, but just call it a girls night, not a bachelorette party.</div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:3da90714-18eb-471f-b760-8eded9de321d">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]PPs have all the major issues covered, but am I the only one who thinks it's weird to have a brunch in the afternoon? I don't think I'd want to eat waffles and eggs in the middle of the day. Just saying.
Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

I was thinking that as well, but then the cash bar and pre-wedding parties got me side-tracked.

For a brunch I usually would think that it should start at around 10am or so. 

But then I love waffles and all breakfast foods so eating them at anytime of the day is fine with me!

Calypso1977

i honestly dont think what you have planned is low key at all, and i think you'll run the risk of actually hurting the feelings of people who truly wanted to see you partake the most important part of the day - the ceremony. 

if private and the two if you is what you want to do, then just leave it at that and hold firm on your wishes.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:a1be5cdc-ae49-490a-a3aa-0afa2abcab68">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but what is the point of having a private destination wedding to come home and have a big party? If you are going to host a party, why not do it as the wedding (you know, get married first) and then have a private destination honeymoon?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This x100.  Believe me, I totally get the appeal of a private destination wedding, but if you are still planning to do the big shebang reception at home anyways (which is the expensive part), then why not just get married that same day too and then go off for a really nice HM?  That way, the pre-wedding parties are appropriate, the white dress, etc and since all these people seem to want that stuff for you now, I'm sure they'd really love to actually witness your ceremony as well.

Just a thought...but other than that, I think what you have planned sounds lovely (albeit NOT a casual affair)

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:512a9ab6-dd26-4db9-a4ce-9478a916f7f4">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely agree a shower is not appropriate and if I was to cave in an agree to the shower it would be a small affair with mothers and aunts, not everyone I know. Allthough im sure I will tactfully decline. Regards to the bach party...Like Maggie0829 suggested, Girls/Guys night out is exactly what I had in mind.  No wild party just good time with good friends.  I am in no way shape or form trying to have 2 weddings as another poster said.  My FI and I want a private ceremony in JA and a celebration at home with family and close friends. <strong> Wow some of you are quite harsh, I was looking for some etiquette advise not to be crucified...damn ppl</strong>
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

Nobody is out-and-out trying to be harsh.  This is an etiquette board, and we're here to dole out etiquette advice.  PP's are right, what you're doing is against etiquette and if you proceed as planned, you are inevitably going to hurt some feelings.  Would you rather have strangers on a message board whom you will never see IRL tell you the truth, or would you rather go ahead and run the risk of hurting your friends and family members?

KatWAG

OP, you asked if you were doing this right. We all told you, for various reasons, no you are not doing this right. You just happened to not like our answers. No one is crucifying you. Believe it or not, this is one of the more tame discussions.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:aac47f6a-986c-4a25-90a8-348c3823298c">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I doing this the right way?? : A lot of my guests are an hour plus away so 10am is just too early for most ppl and church is an issue for some so I would not want to interfere with their service
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

<div>I've got to be really honest.  Do you really think people are going to travel an hour each way to go to a formal party on a Sunday serving eggs that isn't a wedding?  </div><div>
</div><div>People will go out of their way to attend a wedding.  For a party, not so much.  </div>

rebarobert2012

You should not do a cash bar.  Either pay for the cost of the wine and beer or don't have it avaliable.  You are hosting this event, so your guests should not have to buy their own drinks.

Also, you only have one wedding day.  You are wearing your wedding dress in Jamacia.  You don't get to wear another wedding dress for your brunch.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:cf9ce0fb-0fd7-442c-8b19-597981cbb0f7">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I doing this the right way?? : Our families will absolutely travel to attend.  The general concensus in our families is that ppl are really looking forward to attending a celebration thats not your typical wedding reception.  Eggs....really, its a brunch (breakfast and lunch) we will have a array of food not just eggs.
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

If your family is really looking forward to it, and are willing to travel, I'm still not understanding why you just don't get married on this day and then go on a HM so all those people who seem to care so much about you can actually witness your ceremony.  Believe it or not, the ceremony is actually my favorite part of weddings, and I'd be kind of bummed to go to a fancy reception knowing that the couple didn't want me to witness their vows.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle your decision to have a DW, it's just that normally the reasons for having them is that they just want a low-key private deal and don't care about the big party.  But since you are having the big party anyways, I'm just not understanding the logic of keeping the ceremony private.  But that's just me...

dubird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:ebac80f0-50bd-4444-9adf-3c09ee2018e8">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I doing this the right way?? : Etiquette =/= nice
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

I thought that was the whole point of etiquitte?  Maybe not always being 'nice', but acting in a civilized and polite manner, which does include a certian level of 'niceness'.  *shrugs*

Anyhoo, OP, I agree with the no to the cash bar.  If you want to host alcohol, it needs to be on your tab.  As for Sunday brunch, it's church day for a lot of people, so if the dress code is 'Sunday dress', I don't see anything wrong with that as a lot of those people can just come over right after church.  As long as you're not in a 'wedding gown', I don't see a problem with that.

I would say no to any showers or pre-wedding parties.  Even if your relatives insist.  Granted, if they throw you a surprise shower, there's not a lot you can do about it, but if given the option just politely decline. 

cbvcru67

Truthfully,  I don't think the date or time is that big of a deal. Brunch is brunch.  Just like any other event, if you feel like you may be hungry prior, have something to eat before you go.  I don't see much difference between that and any other cocktail wedding and reception happening at 7pm on a Friday.  That, to me, is a greater inconvenience than a Sunday morning wedding. Noon is a typical meal time, if you are feeding them enough for a full meal you will be fine.

OP, people have already covered that a cash-bar isn't really a good idea.  If you are worried about a certain contingent of guests not being satisfied with your hosted options, I would contact the venue and see if you can do a consumption beer-liquor-wne bar.  It will most likely still be less expensive to pay a higher price per beverage than paying per head.  Especially with so many other items already hosted.

If your sister throws you a "girls night" before you get married and it's not called a "bachelorette," that is usually considered fine.  The idea is that inviting people to fete you when you aren't inviting them to your party is rude.  In this setting, I don't know that I would find it rude since you are actually throwing a party and inviting people later, but I might consider it somewhat tacky.  The whole idea behind the DW with just the two of you is to keep things low-key.  And while I get that the AHR is for your families, having showers and a bachelorette are decidedly not low-key.  Its just a little hypocritical I think, which I would guess is why so many people respond to it so poorly.  That being said, if these events are truly FAMILY-ONLY where you let your aunts and mom get together, so be it.  But don't drag your friends into those messes.

Most importantly, there was another thread about two days ago entitled something like "Why This is an Etiquette No-No: Vent" or something along those lines.  I would read that.  Personally, I agree with Linda USVI in that, if you are being invited to a reception to thank you for your love and support of a marriage, than that is thank-you enough.  I believe that if someone is invited to a wedding then they HAVE to be invited to a reception.  But also that you can NOT be invited to the ceremony and still politely be invited to attend a reception, especially when the ceremony is considered very small and private  (How many times have people said an Immediate only family is ok, no friends, ect?)  Seeing as how your ceremony is very private, I think you can still politely hold a general reception at home for your friends and families.  The expectation of a gift comes with attending the ceremony; the reception is a thank-you to those guests and those important to you.  You don't  have to bring a gift to your own thank-you. 

myname1234

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-i-doing-this-the-right-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46e4682a-ef18-451b-87c2-6855a16276f1Post:f47c19b1-4703-48bc-b4c1-58450fae8a0a">Re: Am I doing this the right way??</a>:
[QUOTE]Very interesting that bc you go out of the box and do things different than the rest its automatically wrong.  I understand tradition but I am not traditional in any sorta way.  I have been with the man of my dreams for 10 years, now that my day has finally come I am doing things my way.  Seeking opinions on a etiquette board full of women who think they are better than sliced bread was a mistake on my part and i apologize for asking your opinions.  A celebration upon our return home is a way to get together with our families and have a great time and because I choose a brunch rather than a sit down dinner should not be criticized and you should be ashamed of yourself saying guests wouldn't attend.  Our families are very excited to celebrate with us regardless if they are invited to Jamaica or not, in fact it was a family decision that if all our immediate family couldn't attend it would be just the 2 of us.  At the end of the day, I have to be ok with my plans and I am certain it will be a beautiful celebration.  End of conversation.
Posted by lisa3185[/QUOTE]

OP, this is the problem:  you came to the e-board.  The ladies here will answer your questions based on etiquette.  Not on what is locally acceptable, nor what is ok with your group of friends.    Etiquette rules are universally applied. 

You asked "<strong>please tell your your thoughts if it sounds overdone, or not..."
</strong>
the PPs answered...yes, it is overdone and here is why (from an e-standpoint) (1) no cash bar (2) no wedding dress (3) no pre-wedding parties unless you invite the guests to the wedding,etc

There were quite a few suggestions added.  For example, instead of a cash bar, maybe try cutting mimosas and serving what the guests like to have a girls night out but don't call it a bachelorette party.

This is not the place to come if you only want to hear "it's your day, do want you want".     But you are correct - at the end of the day, you do need to be ok with your decisions.  The question will be if you're ok for possibly hurting or insulting your guests by doing some of the things pointed out. 

Cortney1982

How is this low key?  No cash bar, it seems like you will have plenty of alcoholic beverages offered for the daytime.  Absolutely no wedding gown.  That would look ridiculous.  You can still wear a pretty dress though

dori851

OP -- If you came here to ask a question about whether what you're doing is right or not, then why are you getting so upset that people are telling you no, it's not right?

Edited for grammar mistake.

jemmini6

OP - you asked a question, people answered it and then elaborated on other suggestions you could do to get the best results.  Really, most people aren't trying to be mean, just trying to help.

A DW is completely fine if that's really what you want.  But like a few of us have mentioned a few times, the reasoning behind it just seems a little off in your situation because you are still doing a fairly formal AHR.  You certainly don't have to explain your decisions to us because you are right, only you have to live with them, but it would certainly help clear some of the confusion and maybe get you answers/suggestions more in line with what you had in mind.  Remember, we can only respond based on what you post, so if you leave info/reasoning out, we are left to make assumptions on the rest.