Wedding Etiquette Forum

How not to be mean?

I know that there are a lot of brides that are familiar with people asking "where's my invite?" and "I better be invited"... How do you handle that exactly? I can never find the right words and I feel like I am being mean by saying "Sorry, it's family only". And because I say that they come back at me with those big, sad eyes... O.O

It's awful... Any advice? 
~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~

Re: How not to be mean?

  • edited December 2012
    I know how you feel. You say, "We are having a small family wedding and unfortunately aren't able to invite everyone we would like to be there."
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  • It is very rude of them to ask where their invitation is or insist that they be invited. If you are months away from your wedding you can say something like, "the guest list isn't finalized yet." If you are getting closer (invitations have already gone out) then tell them that you are having a small wedding and unfortunately cannot include everyone.
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  • I've been thrown off by people asking for wedding invitations. Honestly, I think social media has made it much easier to feel entitled to invitations.

    Naturally, when I got engaged, I changed my status and with that came all the congratulations...and random comments like, "can't wait for the wedding invite!" or "be sure to let me know the wedding date and time and we'll be there!" I don't post anything about the wedding on FB because I'm only able to invite a small fraction of friends because 80% of our wedding is family, yet I still get comments like, "I really hope to see that wedding invite in my mail box any day."

    These comments are from my friends in their 30s!

    I'm handling it like PP suggested, but not until the invites have gone out (in a month or so). It's uncomfortable that I even have to address it, but I will. "You know I'd love you there, but unfortunately, because of financial constraints we're keeping it small and limiting the guest list to family only."

    I'm still blown away by people asking for invites. I can understand close family expecting an invite, but anyone other than that--really?? If it was my brother asking about his invite, ok, sure, but someone I met 5 years ago who lives in another state and with whom I only correspond on Facebook? Wow!
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    We just told them we couldn't afford to invite everyone we would like. That was sufficient for most people.  Some did continue to push the issue, and then I told them this was my wedding, not a kegger for everyone I had ever met. Once someone is rude to me, I stop worrying about being polite back. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-not-to-be-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46ffb678-52d0-4ec5-b023-7db5187b45cdPost:35e911bc-c10c-419c-ad95-891c85bedebf">Re: How not to be mean?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We just told them we couldn't afford to invite everyone we would like. That was sufficient for most people. <strong> Some did continue to push the issue, and then I told them this was my wedding, not a kegger for everyone I had ever met.</strong> Once someone is rude to me, I stop worrying about being polite back. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is fabulous! </div>

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-not-to-be-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46ffb678-52d0-4ec5-b023-7db5187b45cdPost:a90275d3-0c44-4e85-a86a-0578f9e039b9">Re: How not to be mean?</a>:
    [QUOTE] "You know I'd love you there, but unfortunately, because of financial constraints we're keeping it small and limiting the guest list to family only."
    Posted by jenferian[/QUOTE]

    This is perfect, but I'd drop the part about finances. I've had friends who said that, and the person would say, "Oh, it's okay! I'll pay for my plate!" It gets pretty awkward.

    I've been telling people, "We really wish we could invite everyone, but we've opted for a small wedding." If they push, I change the subject. People need to stop feeling so entitled.
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  • Ugh I really cant stand that, and unsolicited advice. I work with alot of women and alot of them are older then me and I notice they all think everyone should do there wedding exactly like they did and invite them so they can make sure. I usually say oh well its going to be pretty small and we cant invite everyone Im sorry. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker There is no right or wrong way to have a wedding.
  • I've been floored by how many people have said things like this. Clearly people who have never had to plan a wedding. We're inviting over 200, but still had to make significant cuts and can't make the "small wedding/family" excuse. I think I'll adopt Addie's line. 
  • THANK YOU FOR ASKING THIS bc I am in the same boat. We are 5 months away and ppl are asking me "how come I haven't gotten an invite" and others were asking the day after we got engaged (Christmas last yr) where their invite was. Sounds insane but I am beginning to unleash my ex husbands cousin on them (she's more family to me than anyone else and hasn't spoken to my ex since we divorced). She's got my back and always finds the right way to politely tell someone off.
  • Thanks, ladies, for the great advice.
    The number of times this has already happened to me is ridiculous.  The worst was a coworker (that I'm not even remotely close with) tell me when she heard I was engaged, "I'll have moved by the time you get married, but of course I'll drive up for your big day!!"  I had no words.  We never work in close proximity of one another, nor do we ever communicate outside of work.  I'm not even planning on inviting coworkers... Awkward.
  • I am currently in my last year of college, and get this a lot. Since I am the first of my friends to get engaged, I think people are just so excited and want to go to a wedding. People in some of my classes that I barley talk to have told me they expect an invite, as well as people I'm not close to in one of the clubs im in. (Almost the entire club expects an invite, and its a hugeeee orgranization!) Me and my FI want to keep the wedding list small so just family (we both have big families) and close friends. I usually tell them that we are keeping it small, and even so some people say they expect invites. I've even had people i barley know tell me what they plan on wearing to the wedding! Our original wedding date was 10-4-14 so i figured it didn't matter if I just nodded and said "uh-huh" when they asked and then I quickly changed the subject. I figured since I graduate in May and our wedding would be over a year away I'd loose track of the people I'm not close with anyways, but me and FI recently moved the wedding up to this Aug. 24th bc we just can't wait to get married! I decided not to tell many people from school that I moved the date up right away. As of now I just told the very few people from school I'm close with.   It gets very awkward when people you aren't close with expect an invite! I've learned that no matter what, when planning a wedding and doing the guest list, you can't please every one! In the end invite who you and your FI and your families want :) 

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-not-to-be-mean?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46ffb678-52d0-4ec5-b023-7db5187b45cdPost:35e911bc-c10c-419c-ad95-891c85bedebf">Re: How not to be mean?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We just told them we couldn't afford to invite everyone we would like. That was sufficient for most people.  Some did continue to push the issue, and then I told them this was my wedding, not a kegger for everyone I had ever met. Once someone is rude to me, I stop worrying about being polite back. 
    Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is fabulous! Thanks for the input! </div>
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  •  Thank you for the advice, I'm obviously going to have to stick to my guns when it comes to talking to people who just invited themselves! Going to be a fun nine months! 
    ~Soon to become Mrs. O'Kane!~
  • You don't need to give anyone a reason for inviting them or not inviting them. IT IS NOT THEIR WEDDING.
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