Guest List DRAMA

teen0816

My FMIL handed me a list with 150 people on it right after we got engaged.  She continues to try and add people and when I asked who we should send save the dates to she responded with "I don't know, I guess ALL OF THEM".  Seriously???  Obviously that was not going to happen, but you have got to be kidding me!!  I am about 9 months away now, and it's actually time to start getting the list down.  I thought by me agreeing to a wedding of 200 guests was being fair and reasonable because her list was so large.  Wrong.  I've created a monster and I'm pretty sure if I look hard enough I will find the FedEx delivery man on there.  I should have just given her a number from the start and that was that, but I cannot go back in time for that one.  As much as I thought that staying out of it and letting my FI deal with his mother on this issue, I had to get involved last night.  His Aunt, who was present for this discussion, kept trying to "buy a table" for the wedding so that she could have "her" list.  I was a bit insulted by this suggestion that my wedding could be bought.

It seems any stories I hear about guest lists, everything is kittens and rainbows.  I think they are just not telling the entire truth because there is no way I am the only one dealing with guest list drama.  Anyone else going through the same experiences???

ElleB87

Is your FMIL paying for the wedding? If not then she gets no say in the guest list and your FI needs to tell her that. Since it's nine months away invitations haven't gone out yet and you're not obligated to send them to all 150 people if your FMIL isn't paying.

If she is paying...that's what happens when other people pay for your wedding. All you can do now is grin and bare it. If she wants to feed hundreds of people on her own dime, that's up to her. She however does not get to do so on your dime.

Snippylynn

First off-- Did you send save the dates to your FMIL's 150 guests and now want to cut that number? I'm confused by this.

And then, you say "These are the people that will be invited. That is it. No more discussion." Then you refuse to discuss it any more. You change the subject, or you don't respond.

Snippylynn

Oh, and my FMIL called my H the DAY OF THE WEDDING and added two guests. She had already called them and told them to come. Niiiiice.

pokepoke27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:2d3cc5f4-d10e-491b-a272-2d05dc6a283e">Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL handed me a list with 150 people on it right after we got engaged.  She continues to try and add people and when I asked who we should send save the dates to she responded with "I don't know, I guess ALL OF THEM".  Seriously???  Obviously that was not going to happen, but you have got to be kidding me!!  I am about 9 months away now, and it's actually time to start getting the list down.  I thought by me agreeing to a wedding of 200 guests was being fair and reasonable because her list was so large.  Wrong.  I've created a monster and I'm pretty sure if I look hard enough I will find the FedEx delivery man on there.  I should have just given her a number from the start and that was that, but I cannot go back in time for that one.  As much as I thought that staying out of it and letting my FI deal with his mother on this issue, I had to get involved last night.  His Aunt, who was present for this discussion, kept trying to "buy a table" for the wedding so that she could have "her" list.  I was a bit insulted by this suggestion that my wedding could be bought. It seems any stories I hear about guest lists, everything is kittens and rainbows.  I think they are just not telling the entire truth because there is no way I am the only one dealing with guest list drama.  <strong>Anyone else going through the same experiences???</strong>
Posted by teen0816[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. All the time. </div><div>
</div><div>You do not need to accommodate all of her guests. Who is paying for the wedding? That will determine part of my advice for you.</div><div>
</div>

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:106b3ad0-7762-494e-b7ca-a6bfedef28fa">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and my FMIL called my H the DAY OF THE WEDDING and added two guests. She had already called them and told them to come. Niiiiice.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

Wow...that's balsy, and terrible.

kikirst33

I specifically asked FI, Mom and Dad for a guest list with priority A, B and C guests noted.  I also did this for my own list.

Once we had the complete list of A, B and C we were able to determine what our count was and who we could invite. We were able to invite all guests on the A and B priority which made everyone happy.

Can you talk with your FMIL about prioritizing her list?  Who is most important (A), really like to have (B) and nice to have (C) guests?

mcskatcat

If you haven't already sent STDs, then give her a fair number and call it a day.  If she's pushy - particularly if she's not paying - you can say, "Look, FMIL, we all have people we would love to be there but due to space and budget reasons, we have to be practical."  

If she is paying for the shindig, she does get some say.  If she's paying for part of it, then you can give her a similar ratio of guests to invite.  Be firm.  Tell her if she won't cut her guest list down, then you and FI will do it for her.

Maggie0829

Is she paying for the wedding?  If so then she can invite the entire state of NJ if she wanted to and you really couldn't say anything about it.  If she isn't paying for the wedding, then she gets absolutely no say in the guest list (but providing her with X amount of invites would be a nice gesture since it is her son getting married and all).

So if she isn't paying, you simply hand her back her list plus whoever else she has added and tell her that she has X amount of invites max so she will need to trim her list down to that number.  Make sure that you and your FI are on the same page with this so that when she does push back (notice how I said when instead of if) that you both can stand your ground.  And like PP said, if she refuses to cut her guest list then you and your FI will do it for her.

teen0816

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:22642ed0-4964-4e36-9535-e9466beff2da">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]Is your FMIL paying for the wedding? If not then she gets no say in the guest list and your FI needs to tell her that. Since it's nine months away invitations haven't gone out yet and you're not obligated to send them to all 150 people if your FMIL isn't paying. If she is paying...that's what happens when other people pay for your wedding. All you can do now is grin and bare it. If she wants to feed hundreds of people on her own dime, that's up to her. She however does not get to do so on your dime.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope, she is not paying.  My FI are footing the bill.</div>

teen0816

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:20ec8c5c-4413-4d61-9fd8-2e8a3ca8af28">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]First off-- Did you send save the dates to your FMIL's 150 guests and now want to cut that number? I'm confused by this. And then, you say "These are the people that will be invited. That is it. No more discussion." Then you refuse to discuss it any more. You change the subject, or you don't respond.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Heck no!  She WANTED me to send them to everyone on her list.  I had been trying to "keep the peace" and be quiet, but became a doormat for her.  So that's over, and now she needs to get a number.</div>

teen0816

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:106b3ad0-7762-494e-b7ca-a6bfedef28fa">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and my FMIL called my H the DAY OF THE WEDDING and added two guests. She had already called them and told them to come. Niiiiice.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>And OMG!!</div>

teen0816

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:736a297f-d162-4964-bf01-821ed3219448">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Guest List DRAMA : Yes. All the time.  You do not need to accommodate all of her guests. Who is paying for the wedding? That will determine part of my advice for you.
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

<div>My FI and I are paying.</div>

rsanna

You and your FI should decide exactly how many people you want to and can afford to host.  Split up the guest list and give your FMIL X number of people to invite. Then you need to make sure that you and your FI don't budge on that number.

ETA: If someone offers to pay (like the Aunt) politely decline and express that you don't want to go over 200 people.

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:2415a37f-67a4-4e8a-a5e5-7110cb72faa4">Re: Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List DRAMA : Nope, she is not paying.  My FI are footing the bill.
Posted by teen0816[/QUOTE]

Then she is one balsy lady to assume you're going to host 150+ people for her. If she wants to feed and entertain that size of a crowd, she can host her own party...and pay for it.

Either give her a set number and tell her that's the max she's getting or tell her that since it's your wedding the guest list is up to you and you're going to tailor it to your budget and space availability.

hoffse

Luckily, OP, if you haven't sent out STDs you can still make this a reasonable-sized event for you and your FI.  Just because you asked her in the beginning for a list doesn't mean you can't come back and say now, "hi FMIL, FI and I were looking over our budget now that we're getting closer to the time when decisions need to start being made about things like menu, caterer, invitations, decorations, etc.  We've figured out that we can host X number of people for your side to stay in budget."  If she offers to host extra people and you are comfortable with this, that's fine - you can tell her the cost per person (and don't forget to include things like flowers, table/chair rentals, etc).  But do NOT invite anybody from her list that she says she will pay for until after the check clears.  You don't have to let her foot the bill for any of it if you want her to stay out of it, but this is an option you still have at this point.

With a FMIL like this, be prepared for a bit of a fight, but hold firm.  Also be prepared for her to come back to you after "no's" have started coming back with RSVPs and ask you to please let her invite the fedex guy afterall.  My advice to head that one off is to just avoid the guestlist as much as possible once invitations go out.

Carson386

Boy oh boy this sounds SO familiar! I have the same issue! We wanted the list to be no more than 150 people. FMIL added 24 people to the list after I finalized it, I told her that was too bad, the list was final, it's my wedding, and that I am paying for it (I can't afford an extra 24 people that I don't know). I was only mean because this wasn't the first time we had an issue like this (it was probably the 10th issue we had about the guest list). Put your foot down now instead of letting her walk all over you, you don't want her walking over you for the rest of your life!

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-drama-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:49267ce1-f33c-46e1-b727-d21146158ab3Post:2d3cc5f4-d10e-491b-a272-2d05dc6a283e">Guest List DRAMA</a>:
[QUOTE]My FMIL handed me a list with 150 people on it right after we got engaged.  She continues to try and add people and when I asked who we should send save the dates to she responded with "I don't know, I guess ALL OF THEM".  Seriously???  Obviously that was not going to happen, but you have got to be kidding me!!  I am about 9 months away now, and it's actually time to start getting the list down.  I thought by me agreeing to a wedding of 200 guests was being fair and reasonable because her list was so large.  Wrong.  I've created a monster and I'm pretty sure if I look hard enough I will find the FedEx delivery man on there.  I should have just given her a number from the start and that was that, but I cannot go back in time for that one.  As much as I thought that staying out of it and letting my FI deal with his mother on this issue, I had to get involved last night.  His Aunt, who was present for this discussion, kept trying to "buy a table" for the wedding so that she could have "her" list.  I was a bit insulted by this suggestion that my wedding could be bought. It seems any stories I hear about guest lists, everything is kittens and rainbows.  I think they are just not telling the entire truth because there is no way I am the only one dealing with guest list drama.  Anyone else going through the same experiences???
Posted by teen0816[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OMG...the guest list, and some of the guests (see my post about the rude rsvp for proof) were the WORST part of the entire planning process. In fact, the only actual fight I had with my fiance (there were disagreements, but only one actual FIGHT) was over the guest list.</div><div>
</div><div>We are 1.5 months out, and except for the occasional annoying RSVP, things have calmed down.  So, no, not just you.</div><div>
</div><div>If she is paying, she gets more day.  However, no matter who is paying, setting a number and giving guest list limits is perfectly reasonable.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck.

</div>

theelusive1

I am the MOB. We are paying for everything and are thrilled to do it.  Our venue set the # as the indoor max.  I told the bride and groom to not go over that number. We have a very small family and all OOT.  He has a very large family and all close.  My mother, as in the brides grandma called me the other day. It is the first time she has said one word about the wedding, she says you have to invite X, who is her cousin.  I said that is your plus one and that is the only ONE you get. I have and will stick to my guns about all the numbers.  With us it is not the price per plate, but it is the indoor allowable #.  There is plenty of outdoor space, veranda and gazebo both covered and lots of grass space but I need to only allow what can be seated inside due to the chance of bad weather.  Maybe just give the ole line of sorry the fire marshall only allows X in the building and we are at the X.  It maybe a better way to get them off your back.  Good Luck

BURGH2NYC

Is she paying for the rehearsal dinner?  If so it would be really fun if you invited her whole list to the rehearsal dinner.  hee hee

teen0816

Hahaha. Such a great idea.

theelusive1

The rehersal dinner idea would be a hoot.

ninamyspace

I can't believe the nerve of that woman, if she isn't paying a dime, then she has no say over the number you gave her. If she wants to go over that number, she should pay for the remaining people.

Peledreamsofrain

Nope you arn't alone on this drama.  I think the rainbows and kittens are only given to a chosen rare few.  In my case, it's the future father in law.  He's been inviting people since day one of the engagement.  And he is not paying a dime of the wedding.

Finally I got tired of it, and told both he and his wife that we absolutely couldn't afford to pay for anyone other than family to attend.  He had the gall to tell me "well if you don't invite my friend so and so, it'll embarrass me SO much."  I told him that he'd probably be more embarrassed if they showed up and they had no place to sit, and no food to eat. 

I don't think he likes me as much as he used to.  But at least we have some boundaries now.  I expect this may come in handy when it comes time to expand the family with children in a few years. 

teen0816

In Response to Re: Guest List DRAMA:
[QUOTEI don't think he likes me as much as he used to.  But at least we have some boundaries now.  I expect this may come in handy when it comes time to expand the family with children in a few years. 
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Funny, I've been getting the same feeling after I opened my mouth and put my foot down.  My Dad thinks it's funny that within one week I've stepped on the toes of the 2 powerhouses of their family (his father and aunt).  And his mother has been rather cold to me.  I'm sorry, you aren't used to not getting your way?  Well, tough.  Our wedding, our rules.  Hope it gets better for you!!