Plus 1's?

reisnersr

Sorry if this has been asked before, but I didn't feel like searching for the answer
My fiance and I grew up in the same hometown, which we do not currently live in. We have decided to get married back home since it is relatively inexpensive and easy on our families. Between our hometown friends and the college friends we have in the area, we have over 120 friends on our list of a 300 person wedding. We have included many of our friends having plus 1's due to long term relationships or knowing their significant others, but do we need to include +1's for everyone? We have a lot of male friends we want to invite because they are fun and we would love to see when we are home for the wedding, but I worry they will invite random girls that we barely know or just because they kind of know us and its an open bar if we give them +1's. We come from a small town so our biggest worry is that our single friends will bring dates who we barely know just for a free meal and drinks.

So do we invite ALL single people with dates, even our B list? Or can we be a bit selective on this?

manjermj

That's what we're doing. All friends with SO's will get their invitation addressed with their SO's name on the invite, but if they do not have a significant other, then they do not get a plus 1. But make sure you keep it fair across the board. If no one without a SO gets a plus 1 then you can't really make exceptions without upsetting someone

Emily Post says that non live in SO's do not have to be invited, but we chose to give all friends with a boyfriend or girlfriend (no matter how long they've been together) the option to bring them.

"Brides and grooms should be aware that spouses, fiancé(e)s and live-in romantic partners (no matter the sex) must be invited with your guests; boyfriends and girlfriends who don’t reside together don’t need to be. This goes for anyone invited to the rehearsal dinner, too."

http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/656-inside-weddings-handling-your-guests-with-grace

DMoore421

You have to invite anyone in a relationship or married  and their  significant other - even if you do not know them, and even if they have only been dating for a month at the point you are sending the invitations... they are considered a social unit and are to be invited together even if they are on the B list
 
If they are totally single you do not need to invite them with a guest.. that way you won't have people just bringing the randon chick from the bar to the wedding

misssunshine17

OP, please don't listen to the post about non live in partners. FI and I are engaged, but not living together because we have leases we're finishing but have been together for 7 years and engaged for two. I would be furious if I wasn't invited with FI because we don't live together. 

Any person in a relationship, reguardless of "seriousness" in your eyes should be invited. If they consider themselves in a relationship, the person needs to be invited. If a person is truely single, they can be invited alone. 

Gustafson28

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:3406768d-805e-4689-bf67-a6bf00c68bc2">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to invite anyone in a relationship or married  and their  significant other - even if you do not know them, and even if they have only been dating for a month at the point you are sending the invitations... they are considered a social unit and are to be invited together even if they are on the B list   If they are totally single you do not need to invite them with a guest.. that way you won't have people just bringing the randon chick from the bar to the wedding
Posted by DMoore421[/QUOTE]



There should not be a "b" list of people invited...

But all guests with a SO no matter how "serious" they appear to be need to be invited. I was not invited to my FI friend's wedding (he was in the wedding party) and it sucked. This was before we were engaged but here we are now. I'm making sure I have room for all SO

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:e6ff15e5-a45f-4708-af43-49fb169faebd">Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if this has been asked before, but I didn't feel like searching for the answer :) My fiance and I grew up in the same hometown, which we do not currently live in. We have decided to get married back home since it is relatively inexpensive and easy on our families. Between our hometown friends and the college friends we have in the area, we have over 120 friends on our list of a 300 person wedding. We have included many of our friends having plus 1's due to long term relationships or knowing their significant others, but do we need to include +1's for everyone? We have a lot of male friends we want to invite because they are fun and we would love to see when we are home for the wedding, but I worry they will invite random girls that we barely know or just because they kind of know us and its an open bar if we give them +1's. We come from a small town so our biggest worry is that our single friends will bring dates who we barely know just for a free meal and drinks. So do we invite ALL single people with dates, even our B list? Or can we be a bit selective on this?
Posted by reisnersr[/QUOTE]
B list?  You shouldn't have one of those.

SmallenForever

We gave everyone a plus 1. Although it's okay just to invite people with their SO's, for me, I had no idea if half of the people we were inviting were in serious relationships or if they would be at the time of the wedding. It was seriously easier just to invite everyone with a guest. 

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:8a1885c0-3b87-4726-ac56-671e571fc4f5">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]We gave everyone a plus 1. Although it's okay just to invite people with their SO's, for me, I had no idea if half of the people we were inviting were in serious relationships or if they would be at the time of the wedding. It was seriously easier just to invite everyone with a guest. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]

For the record, you <em>should </em>find out if your guests are in relationships, because if they are, you need to invite the SO by name, not just "and guest". 

QueerFemme

You should NOT have a b list. Id worry about that before you worry about plus 1s. It sounds like you need to cut your guest list.

TaraKeeley

Only people who are in a relationship get +1s. It's okay to decide that it needs to be only engagements/live-in relationships, or only relationships over 1 year, but make it a rule thater applies to everyone then. I've read that having a B-list is not a crime, but making is obvious is. Make sure you do invites with plenty of time, then, and that the "b-listers" won't be hearing from everyone else that they received their invitation 4 weeks prior.

monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:f017b29c-63eb-4176-84d3-bf0da5c6db3d">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus 1's? : Oh please.  This is not all about your relationship.  Every leading etiquette book says that "must" invites are for spouses, fiances, live-in, long term.  Its not passying judgement,  it is noting a fact.   Its fine to give everyone a plus one, but it is not a must.   ETA -- If you want to write on a "relationship" board, go for it, but this is an "etiquette" board, and you are just making up rules. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Ummm.... no. 

You can't go around judging the length and seriousness of people's relationships.  1-year is serious, but 11 months is not?  That's completely arbitrary, and you're going to hurt feelings.

It's a wedding... it's a celebration of LOVE and COMMITMENT.  Why wouldn't you let everyone bring their SO?  It IS an etiquette must, especially since a lot of people might end up marrying the person you determined was not serious enough to invite.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:f017b29c-63eb-4176-84d3-bf0da5c6db3d">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus 1's? : Oh please.  This is not all about your relationship.  Every leading etiquette book says that "must" invites are for spouses, fiances, live-in, long term.  Its not passying judgement,  it is noting a fact.   Its fine to give everyone a plus one, but it is not a must.   ETA -- If you want to write on a "relationship" board, go for it, but this is an "etiquette" board, and you are just making up rules. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

This isn't about Stage's relationship, it is about being courteous to your friends and family.  The idea that you have to live together or be long term before you are considered a "couple" is bogus.  If someone is in a relationship, you let them bring their spouse. 

Letting someone bring their boyfriend/girlfriend (which <strong>IS</strong> proper etiquette as well as courteous to your loved ones) is NOT the same as a true +1.  A +1 is hey, you aren't in a relationship, feel free to bring someone if you'd like. 

People live apart for a variety of reasons.  Often, people are no less serious at 4 or 7 months than they are at 2 years.  It isn't up to the OP to judge the seriousness of a relationship.  If someone is in a relationship, they get to bring their spouse.  If the OP has room, they can give truly single people a +1, or not.  But again, a true +1 and inviting someone with a partner/spouse are not the same things.

QueerFemme

But, again....   the fact that OP is B-listing....  she has bigger fish to fry before she even GETS to the +1 issue.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:cff84c2a-dbdb-4e68-a83f-0af5def70c63">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said my father's wife would not be invited.  I said her name would not go on invitation.  Possibly you have me confused with someone else. This is an etiquette board.  Etiquette is defined as conventional rules.  I think the books I looked at are as good as source as any for conventional rules. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Just FYI, Emily Post says you have to use names if you know them. Thought you might want to know, there.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:f1d75faa-db23-48b7-bd1b-adc67dfe92f4">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree one should use names, and I suggested on another thread, to contact relatives such as mom or aunt to ask.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

So do as you say not as you do? If you know your father's significant other's name, it should be on the invite. Or you should ask your dad for her name.

ETA: sorry, I just find it weird to post all this advice on etitquette and get up in people's faces for not following Emily Post and such to a tee, but then blatantly say you aren't doing it.

arendiva

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:d07ec24d-539e-485f-a6f4-991ac439ade6">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus 1's? : For the nth time, for those of you unable to read, I said I was not listing SM as host(ess) of my wedding.   Which Crane's, which someone here said was the ultimate book on invitations, said was correct.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]


you could probably avoid hurt feelings by using the "Together with their families" wording. That way you aren't listing step mom but you aren't pointedly excluding her either.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:d07ec24d-539e-485f-a6f4-991ac439ade6">Re: Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Plus 1's? : For the nth time, for those of you unable to read, I said I was not listing SM as host(ess) of my wedding.   Which Crane's, which someone here said was the ultimate book on invitations, said was correct.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Above you say " I never said my father's wife would not be invited.  I said her name would not go on invitation." I took that to mean not on the addressing of the invitation. What you said above was unclear.

reisnersr

Thanks for all the replies. This has been helpful. I obviously will invite all of our friends in relationships with their SO's name whether they are new relationships, LTR, live-in, etc. I only have a B list because my fiance has a lot of male friends who are single and if he had to invite all with +1's then he unfornately couldn't invite them all due to space, however if we can get by inviting the group of single guys solo then they we can accomdate them all. Hence the B-list and question. We will not be sending out rounds of invitations or anything like that, just prioritizing our guest list before the final cut
Thanks again.

Mtruss2

The way my fiance and I view it is that whoever we want to invite will come and whoever we don't won't! I don't feel the need to be conscious of other people's feelings because they aren't helping foot any bills. If we want a single friend of ours to bring a plus one then she will, we know her's though... Like everyone was trying to tell us its a matter of being fair and aware of others feelings and not wanting to upset guests.. Idc about that because it's our wedding and we get what we want. Pleasing our guests is not our main objective!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-1s-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:495967c3-29ff-4f6d-b4ec-06df18c34beaPost:e6ff15e5-a45f-4708-af43-49fb169faebd">Plus 1's?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if this has been asked before, but I didn't feel like searching for the answer :) My fiance and I grew up in the same hometown, which we do not currently live in. We have decided to get married back home since it is relatively inexpensive and easy on our families. Between our hometown friends and the college friends we have in the area, we have over 120 friends on our list of a 300 person wedding. We have included many of our friends having plus 1's due to long term relationships or knowing their significant others, but do we need to include +1's for everyone? We have a lot of male friends we want to invite because they are fun and we would love to see when we are home for the wedding, but I worry they will invite random girls that we barely know or just because they kind of know us and its an open bar if we give them +1's. We come from a small town so our biggest worry is that our single friends will bring dates who we barely know just for a free meal and drinks. So do we invite ALL single people with dates, even our B list? Or can we be a bit selective on this?
Posted by reisnersr[/QUOTE]