Plus Ones

Adrianne08

So we decided to go with the whole 'no ring, no bring' adage in order to keep our guest list a bit shorter. Our RSVP cards had space for a name on a line, and a short blank beside 'accept' or 'decline'. We used outer envelopes clearly addresses to formal names, and inner envelopes with the name of the person invited, sans guest. RSVPs just began coming in last. FOUR guest have already added their guest. They put 2 on the line for accept. Two sent an email to ask if it was okay 'because our invites didn't specify whether they had a plus one'. Did we do it ALL wrong? Can we tactfully tell them to keep their extras at home? And if so how do we do this? Sorry - a little stressed. Venting a bit... TIA!

sdavi084

You did it right. Just politefully explain that your budget doesn't allow for plus ones unless married.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:4ae2b95e-4ba6-41af-8d1a-c33c79a820ec">Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]So we decided to go with the whole 'no ring, no bring' adage in order to keep our guest list a bit shorter. Our RSVP cards had space for a name on a line, and a short blank beside 'accept' or 'decline'. We used outer envelopes clearly addresses to formal names, and inner envelopes with the name of the person invited, sans guest. RSVPs just began coming in last. FOUR guest have already added their guest. They put 2 on the line for accept. Two sent an email to ask if it was okay 'because our invites didn't specify whether they had a plus one'. Did we do it ALL wrong? Can we tactfully tell them to keep their extras at home? And if so how do we do this? Sorry - a little stressed. Venting a bit... TIA!
Posted by Adrianne08[/QUOTE]

Anyone in a relationship, regardless of a ring or not, should get to bring their SO.  A couple is a social unit.

snwilson0416

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:4ae2b95e-4ba6-41af-8d1a-c33c79a820ec">Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]So we decided to go with the whole 'no ring, no bring' adage in order to keep our guest list a bit shorter. Our RSVP cards had space for a name on a line, and a short blank beside 'accept' or 'decline'. We used outer envelopes clearly addresses to formal names, and inner envelopes with the name of the person invited, sans guest. RSVPs just began coming in last. FOUR guest have already added their guest. They put 2 on the line for accept. Two sent an email to ask if it was okay 'because our invites didn't specify whether they had a plus one'. Did we do it ALL wrong? Can we tactfully tell them to keep their extras at home? And if so how do we do this? Sorry - a little stressed. Venting a bit... TIA!
Posted by Adrianne08[/QUOTE]
So, you only invited plus ones if they're engaged? I believe the rule is you're supposed to give a plus one to anyone in a relationship, engaged or not.

Adrianne08

Mrs. B: Even that considered: not all of these people have SO. Those we know who do - especially long-time and live-ins - either got a plus one or an invite addressed to both. We can't fit 75+ extras for single friends into a venue for 250.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:4ae2b95e-4ba6-41af-8d1a-c33c79a820ec">Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]So we decided to go with the whole 'no ring, no bring' adage in order to keep our guest list a bit shorter. Our RSVP cards had space for a name on a line, and a short blank beside 'accept' or 'decline'. We used outer envelopes clearly addresses to formal names, and inner envelopes with the name of the person invited, sans guest. RSVPs just began coming in last. FOUR guest have already added their guest. They put 2 on the line for accept. Two sent an email to ask if it was okay 'because our invites didn't specify whether they had a plus one'. Did we do it ALL wrong? Can we tactfully tell them to keep their extras at home? And if so how do we do this? Sorry - a little stressed. Venting a bit... TIA!
Posted by Adrianne08[/QUOTE]

<div>Who are these extras?  Are they established boyfriends and girlfriends or are they random dates?  </div><div>
</div><div>"No ring, no bring" is not an acceptable cut off when it comes to etiquette.  You need to invite all established significant others.  You don't have to let your single guests bring along a random date, but if they've been together, this is your faux pas for leaving them out, and you need to correct your error.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:38ab29f4-6cb8-435a-9bf0-8949c19aacab">Re: Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]Mrs. B: Even that considered: not all of these people have SO. Those we know who do - especially long-time and live-ins - either got a plus one or an invite addressed to both. We can't fit 75+ extras for single friends into a venue for 250.
Posted by Adrianne08[/QUOTE]

I didn't say single.  I said in a relationship. It's perfectly fine to let the singles come alone.

Mrs.B6302007

I'm confused.  Based on what you just replied to me, you DID offer +1 to SOs, yes?  So your OP is about true singles?  That wasn't clear.

mica178

I think anyone in an established realtionship should be allowed to bring his/her date.  So not just people with rings or people who live together, but people who are dating steadily.  Sometimes you might not know about a relationship until the person RSVPs because they might have been single a few months ago, but that does not mean that they consider themselves single now.

Adrianne08

As far as I know all of these people are totally single. Again if we knew of a relationship, we accomodated beforehand. And if I thought it was an oversight it wouldn't be as much of a problem. In the case of one, she just had a b-day party last month with no SO in sight. Also, putting myself in their place, I can't even say I felt 'entitled' to a plus one for an event for someone who didn't know i was engaged for whatever reason. I would at least contact them and ask before assuming. It seems rude to me.

Mrs.B6302007

THen yes, you are within your right to call the singles and say "Sorry, the invite was only for you.  We have no space to accomodate more guests". 

I think your opening "no ring no bring" threw all of us into thinking that if they weren't engaged or married, you didn't offer a +1.

Adrianne08

And sorry I wasn't so clear in the beginning: we did allow plus one's if we knew there was a SO. But known singles were a no-go. Not exactly 'no ring, no bring'

Adrianne08

Thanks for your comments and advice!

Summer2011Bride

I think not allowing singles a plus one is OK, but do they know anyone else at the wedding? If I only knew the B&G and didn't have a plus one, I wouldn't come. Just being honest. How horrible would it be to sit by myself essentially all day! If they will have a group of good friends or family present, I think that's a different story.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:3d74fb24-a36f-4c05-bdd1-bbc5867743eb">Re: Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]And sorry I wasn't so clear in the beginning: we did allow plus one's if we knew there was a SO. But known singles were a no-go. Not exactly 'no ring, no bring'
Posted by Adrianne08[/QUOTE]

<div>There's the confusion.  "No ring, no bring" implies married or engaged only.  </div><div>
</div><div>In that case, it looks like you have the same situation my cousin did.  Etiquette does not require that truly single people be allowed a date, but it is always nice.  In some areas, it is so common to invite singles to bring a date that people just don't realize that this isn't normal.  If your single friends don't know much about etiquette and have never been invited to anything without a date, they might just be confused.</div><div>
</div><div>In that case, you just call them, politely explain "I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was for you alone.  With our tight guest list, we just don't have room for you to bring along a friend.  I assume you'll still be able to come?"  </div>

minxi

Instead of the "no ring, no bring" policy I think it would have been more effective to figure out which of your guests had long term relationships, or SOs that you knew and then invite each person specifically as to not lead anyone to believe there is a "plus one" for anyone, since everyone was specifically invited.

It wouldn't have been too difficult to find each person and ask "I know you just got engaged/etc... what was their name? I would like to invite them as well." It'd be a pain but not too difficult. (In this scenerio, I am also assuming that you know each of your guests fairly well.)

evilc123

I feel your pain on this one, Adrianne.  Our venue maxes out at 250 and since DF has a HUGE family, we are running right up against (and actually a little over) the 250 mark.  For people who are married or engaged, we do not consider that a +1, we just invite them as a couple. For our immediate close group of friends, we are giving +1s for people in LTRs.  However, there are lots of cousins who are 18+ who are in LTRs and we literally just cannot fit their SOs into the room.  I really wish we could, but it just won't work.  If they are so distraut about not having a +1, then they don't have to come to the wedding or buy us a gift.  We just have no other choice.

bizbet

I'm having the same issues- my single friends are asking if they can bring a guest. That, I can't understand. If everyone shows up, my venue will have too many people. We had time and budget constrictions because my mom has cancer, and we can't let all these people decide to bring extra guests.

We did our RSVP on theknot's wedding website and only allowed for names on the invites to be in the system, so people can't put in their SO's name. This is leading to people e-mailing, texting, etc to see if they can bring someone. IF they have a long-time SO then we've included them, but my single friends don't get to bring Joe Blow to my wedding. I just tell them we have to make sure we have room for all of the guests on the invitation list. If it's that big of a deal then I question their motives for coming to my wedding.

As far as their RSVPs, if your venue is overloaded, what would you do?

aecubera

The worst is when they act entitled to a plus one, like it was your mistake for not knowing they had a 2 month old relationship.  I got a gchat message saying "Umm...this is awkward...I have a plus one."
I would have been less annoyed if she had asked for a plus one instead of declaring that she had one. 

LPRUETT05

Hey. If budget doesn't allow it then budget doesn't allow it. I think you did alright too!

AdamMelissa

It's your wedding. Invite whoever you want, and in whatever way you want.

HockeyFan4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_plus-ones-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a0ffab4-34be-427b-8f64-4d9bd47ea921Post:d877902f-ee18-4d2c-908e-3ba3463652cf">Re: Plus Ones</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel your pain on this one, Adrianne.  Our venue maxes out at 250 and since DF has a HUGE family, we are running right up against (and actually a little over) the 250 mark.  For people who are married or engaged, we do not consider that a +1, we just invite them as a couple. For our immediate close group of friends, we are giving +1s for people in LTRs.  However, there are lots of cousins who are 18+ who are in LTRs and we literally just cannot fit their SOs into the room.  I really wish we could, but it just won't work.  <strong>If they are so distraut about not having a +1, then they don't have to come to the wedding or buy us a gift</strong>.  We just have no other choice.
Posted by evilc123[/QUOTE]

eeks....if they are distraught you didn't respect THEIR relationship they don't HAVE to come....or BUY you a gift?

delicatedahlias

Do whatever you want! It's your wedding. If someone really has a problem with not bringing a date then they won't come. Fiance and I are having an intimate wedding of 50 people. There is no way we are having even 10 of those people be random dates of single friends. The people at your wedding should be people you love and want there, not people you don't even know.

HIgirl00

If anyone we invited was over 18 we gave them a +1. If they were important enough to invite then they are important enough to give the courtesy of bringing a date. IMO if a person is not worth inviting if they bring a date then they are not worth inviting.

ezerwas

You did nothing wrong as far etiquette rules go because apparently you don't have to invite singles, but If you aren't letting everyone bring a guest you have to just accept that you will have some awkward and possibly relationship changing conversations with some of your friends. 

Some people have no problem with those type of conversations- I do and therefore will invite everyone with a guest. 

MPaskel07

I am also having to keep my wedding on a budget, and call me rude but I only put 'and quest' if they had been dating for a while/if I knew both members of the couple/or they were engaged.

Everyone who I invited knew I was trying to keep things simple so there were no hard feelings or awkward conversations. I maybe had one person ask about it (they had just started dating someone) and I just told them that I honestly didn't have the space but that I would love to be able to meet them outside of the wedding when I would actually get to sit and talk with them, not just 'hello thanks for coming' in passing. They laughed and agreed with me.

nontradduo

Adrianne, I have to say I agree with the philosophy of not needing to include a guest if they aren't in an LTR.
There are some guests we're inviting who are just beginning relationships with someone, and I know that in about 5 months, if they are still together, they will want to bring a guest and will likely RSVP a guest even though their invite doesn't include it.  But I cannot possibly account for their relationship 12-6 months in advance when planning a wedding and budgeting for it.
We've deliberately chosen to have a venue that cannot exceed 140 people.  I've already had to explain this to some people who thought they were going to be invited to our wedding and have found out, somehow, that they had to be cut from our guest list.
I certainly want to accommodate my guests, but I wish people would understand the difficulty of planning for guests about a year in advance.
And quite frankly, most of my friends who have gotten married in the last few years or planning their weddings had/now have the same philosophy.
I think we get way too tied up in etiquette and the fantasy of weddings sometimes.

mikom2010

I think you did fine! You have a budget to stick to! You can't pay for all those people to come who don't even know you and are only going for the free booze. For our wedding, we decided to only invite couples that were either living together or were engaged. If they aren't serious for that - then their relationship really doesn't matter enough to be mooching off your wedding for a free dinner! 

gponzetti

I completely agree with this response.  It's your wedding and you can invite whomever you want.  My venue is small and we are limited to 60 people, which we are starting to run into issues with.  I'm not inviting the spouses of people I work with.  I feel bad about that, but I've never met the spouse and I'd prefer to have other family and close friends at my wedding than someone I haven't met.  Although, I'm not being told "I should" add a +1 for 2 of my cousing - 1 is not in a relationship and 1 who is in a new relationship (not sure if anyone in the family has met this person.)   So, it is a tricky situation, but in my opinion, go with what is right for you, your fiance, your budget and venue (if there's not enough seats, there's not enough seats.)

banana468

Nice. So nit only were you rude, but you chose to be that way to thd people with whom you spend the greatest quantity of your waking hours? This isn't just rude and bad etiquette but it is a potentally damaging career move to boot.

MallyB86

It's prefectly ok to politely explain that your budget will not allow for them to bring a guest. However, make sure all of your guests get the same treatment, i.e. don't let some guests bring non-engaged SOs, but not others.