Wedding Etiquette Forum

WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!

Okay, there is no real question here. I just had to vent, and see if anyone else had this experience because it is blowing my mind!

First, a few months ago my MOH had wanted a "plus one" on her invite so she could bring her good friend. I am very much an acquantance with this person, and this request made me uncomfortable. My FI and I decided then that our criteria for plus ones was that they were living together, sleeping together and/or facebook relationship status. My MOH's friend obviously didn't pass that test. Thank goodness we made some ground rules, because this has come up again!

We got an email from FI's sister (a bridesmaid) this week saying that her 3 coworkers had decided they wanted to come to the ceremony. (Don't ask me why anyone would want to sit in on a ceremony of two people they'd never met.) They also decided they could go have a dinner the three of them, then come back to join the reception, and promise not the eat any food. I don't know which bothered me more - that a group of randos were planning out their attendance to my wedding, or that my FSIL thought this was even okay to ask! We ended up referring to our previous rule for the reception, but said that if they wanted to sit in on the ceremony, they could knock themselves out. (Again, why would they want to? It boggles the mind.)

Then today, not 24 hours after FSIL's bizarre request, my ringbearer's mom texts me. Her husband is going on a business trip around that time and not sure if he'll be back in time for the wedding. So she decided she'd bring her friend (another stranger) as her date if he can't come. "Is that cool?" Then she plays the card that one of her ex boyfriends might be at the wedding, and that makes her uncomfortable, so it would be nice to have her friend there. I just let her know that we've already told others that we can't accomodate such guests, I promised to be thoughtful about the seating arrangement, and told her she'd probably have bonded with the other bridal party and have many friends to chat with. What I really wanted to say is "No, I don't know your friend and I will not pay her to eat. Also, you're an adult and I won't be bothered with your ex drama."

I wish I could feel more sympathetic and inclusive, but this is getting ridiculous!
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Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!

  • Criteria for plus ones is off FB? What a world we live in.

    Is this wedding OOT for anyone that's asking?
    image
  • wow its a tough situation, a plus one is a plus one, unless your ground rules are on the invite or told before an invite goes out: My MOH knows she gets a +1 but I refuse to let her bring either of her 2 drug pill popping exes (one was in prison) she dates these losers thinking she can change them/fix them...she can bring a childhood friend who might be back from overseas in the military..or anyone else for that matter..but those two tools are not permitted on the premises. Not on MY day...I dont like either of them to begin with, the one made my childhood years a living hell haha

    But this was discussed BEFORE any invites have gone out. I am ending up with children I did not intend on but will word my RSVPS to be clear if they dont give me NAMES for rsvp they have no seat...(well worded more nicely but thats the best way to sum it up haha)
    Nichole Tampa, FL BabyFetus Ticker
  • ambermorleyambermorley member
    100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    Crash- The criteria was "living together, sleeping together and/or facebook relationship status", which basically came down to if the relationship was serious on a case-by-case basis. That is just the phrase we gave to the people who asked.

    It is not out of town for FSIL or the rinbearer's mom. It is out of town for the MOH, but it would be out of town for the friend she proposed as her date, too. She is also already splitting a hotel with another invited guest. If the financial burden of a single hotel was the case, it may have been different.


    Tampa - we did not write "and guest" on any of these invites. We only invited people by name. We did not have it in the budget to allow plus ones to singles. They were the invited guest's name only. The only exception is that my friend's husband was on her invite (obviously), and now he may not be able to come due to business.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:d002cb2a-599e-497e-bbf0-838c3bf2d9dc">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Crash- The criteria was<strong> "living together, sleeping together and/or facebook relationship status"</strong>, which basically came down to if the relationship was serious on a case-by-case basis. That is just the phrase we gave to the people who asked. It is not out of town for FSIL or the rinbearer's mom. It is out of town for the MOH, but it would be out of town for the friend she proposed as her date, too. She is also already splitting a hotel with another invited guest. If the financial burden of a single hotel was the case, it may have been different. Tampa - we did not write "and guest" on any of these invites. We only invited people by name. We did not have it in the budget to allow plus ones to singles. They were the invited guest's name only. The only exception is that my friend's husband was on her invite (obviously), and now he may not be able to come due to business.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

    I just thought it was funny.

    Sleeping together doesn't make the relationship serious.

    But I do think its ridiculous FSIL wants to bring 3 more people.  I could understand if they were going to road trip it or something..but...no..
    image
  • Here's what I would do: 

    1.  Give your MOH a plus one.  She's probably spending a lot of money to be in your wedding and you don't want to let her bring a date because it's not on facebook?  Seriously, you probably won't notice this person at all during your wedding and it would be a nice gesture to make sure your MOH can have fun too.

    2.  Tell you FSIL that you aren't comfortable having her coworkers at your wedding, regardless of if they eat the food.  However, you can suggest a few places nearby that she can meet them for drinks afterwards.

    3.  It seems you already accounted for the ring bearer's mom's husband, so if he can't make it, what's the harm in letting her bring someone else.  She would probably appreciate the help with her son and also some one-on-one adult interaction with someone she actually knows.  You can't count on her 'bonding' with other guests...not everyone is that outgoing.  Also, she's probably also spending a good deal of money to pay for her son to be in your wedding, so really, why can't she bring a date?


    Anniversary
  • I do find it a little ridiculous you aren't allowing your MOH, who is presumably your best friend, a plus one of any kind...
  • She is my best friend. She is also close friends with half the guest list. Everyone we knew and lived with on college together will be there. She didn't ask to bring this other friend so she could have someone to keep her company, but because "so and so is fun, and she likes weddings!" Same with the ringbearers mom. She knows all my family and her brother is coming. I said no to her friend because I'd already said no extra random friends to 2 people before her.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:63efc340-93a8-4c4b-9819-41b00b987fd3">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is my best friend. She is also close friends with half the guest list. Everyone we knew and lived with on college together will be there. She didn't ask to bring this other friend so she could have someone to keep her company, but because "so and so is fun, and she likes weddings!" Same with the ringbearers mom. She knows all my family and her brother is coming. I said no to her friend because I'd already said no extra random friends to 2 people before her.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]


    But were the people you said no to in your WP?  I just think WP should be given a +1 regardless of their relationship status, even if you are limiting the rest of your guests.  Like I said, they've probably paid a significant amount of money to be there for you, the least you can do is let them bring someone...
    Anniversary
  • I think you're taking this way too far. The only thing I see as a problem is the FSIL bringing 3 co-workers. I could see you getting upset about that, but not about the whole "Why would they even want to come?" thing- uh, what do you think happens when single friends bring a date to some weddings, etc? If you allowed someone a guest or specific person to come, but that person can't come, I don't see the harm in allowing that person to still bring another guest if they want to, especially if it makes them more comfortable. Please allow your MOH a guest if she wants one, that is ridiculous, IMO. These are supposed to be your friends and family, do you really not care about what they want at all? even if it doesn't inconvenience you?
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

  • edited May 2011
    Honestly, I think that your requirements for plus ones are a little bit ridiculous. Why can't you just invite people who consider themselves to be in a relationship? Lots of people are in relationships and don't live together, or don't have their relationship displayed on Facebook, and how are you to know whether or not they're sleeping together? That's really odd and kind of rude.
    image
  • edited May 2011
    I agree with the PPs that said to pick your battles with your MOH and the RB's mom.  For the MOH, it's nice to give her a plus one, since she's in the wedding party, and she gets to pick the person.  For the RB's mom, you already accounted for her husband, and while it's annoying, it's not a big deal for her to substitute someone, so I would let that one go.  If any of your other guests get pissy, I would say that the RB's mom can fall into the WP gets a plus one no matter what exception.  At least she asked you about it.  

    As for the FSIL's coworkers, I would make it clear that the coworkers are not invited and cannot attend.  If your ceremony is in a public place, like a church, you can't stop them from coming to the ceremony, but you should be able to limit the reception to your guests only.  I don't think that's an unreasonable request.  
  • I totally see where you're coming from, as this has happened to me... but really, if you haven't received a yes from everyone on your guest list (and you aren't at your limit), I don't really see the problem with adding some randoms to the list. If you aren't having a small wedding, you won't notice them anyway. My MOH is probably bringing some random guy/person (she isn't in a relationship or dating anyone), but she's my best friend. Why shouldn't she? Now, I personally don't see the point in bringing a date if you're in the wedding party... you're going to be away from this person is 90% of the time... but still deserves a date IMO.

  • I can understand your frustration about other people subbing in guests (and seriously WTF on the coworkers!) but what gets the most here is the MOH and the lack of a +1 for her.  She's your best friend and your MOH. She's agreed to be your MOH, buy a dress, do the wedding thing with you, (depending the MOH, maybe she helped you plan or throw a shower or who knows what else bridesmaids do nowadays), is traveling to your wedding, and paying for accomodations so she can be part of a big day for YOU and celebrate for YOU. It doesn't matter if she knew everyone at your party; she's the MOH and thought she'd have a good time with a friend there, and you said no. 

    That bothers me.
  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:8c68f141-cf25-48ae-8cec-2b5d8d657eeb">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally see where you're coming from, as this has happened to me... but really, if you haven't received a yes from everyone on your guest list (and you aren't at your limit), I don't really see the problem with adding some randoms to the list. If you aren't having a small wedding, you won't notice them anyway. My MOH is probably bringing some random guy/person (she isn't in a relationship or dating anyone), but she's my best friend. Why shouldn't she? Now, I personally don't see the point in bringing a date if you're in the wedding party... <strong>you're going to be away from this person is 90% of the time</strong>... but still deserves a date IMO.
    Posted by laumarkim[/QUOTE]

    I agree with what you're saying for the most part, but what's up with the bolded part? I guess I just don't expect my MOH to follow me around like a lost puppy at the reception. After the ceremony is over and she's not standing up next to me any more I'm not sure why else she'd need to leave her date behind.
    Lizzie
  • The coworkers I get saying no to but if you have already given the ring bearers mom a plus one its not costing you anything more than you were already accounting on for her to be comfortable
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I totally agree about the 3 random coworkers...  That is just strange.  Now the MOH and the RB mom is a totally different story.  First, your MOH is paying a butt load of cash to be there for you on your special day, the very least you can do is allow her to bring one guest.  That's just being courteous. As for the RB mom, you already accounted for her husband so whats the big deal?  It sounds like you just wanted to be a brat about it because you were annoyed with people who previously asked... Which is wrong. Yet again, she is probably spending her money so that her son can participate in your wedding.  Plus, it was very courteous of her to call you ahead of time to say, "Hey, DH may not be able to come, but I would like to bring so and so along to help me out."  She could have just shown up the day of with that person, and what could you have done about it??  Absolutely nothing but pout.  Now, you risk losing a MOH and a RB just because you were in a bad mood... Not cool.

  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Until we were married, H and I were not living together.  H does not have a FB account, so we would not have qualified by that criterion.  And I consider whether or not a couple sleeps together none of your business.  So I don't love your rules for who gets to bring a guest

    I'd probably allow your MOH to bring a guest.  I would not allow FSIL to invite coworkers, regardless of her promise that they won't eat (that's just weird), but let your FI handle that discussion.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:a7646543-1b1d-40a8-80ec-c6a5bac5cf1e">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I think that your requirements for plus ones are a little bit ridiculous. Why can't you just invite people who consider themselves to be in a relationship? Lots of people are in relationships and don't live together, or don't have their relationship displayed on Facebook, and how are you to know whether or not they're sleeping together? That's really odd and kind of rude.
    Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

    This.
  • My slutty friends would have been allowed to bring like four dates each to your wedding...'ware the loophole here, OP. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:d002cb2a-599e-497e-bbf0-838c3bf2d9dc">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Crash- <strong>The criteria was "living together, sleeping together and/or facebook relationship status", which basically came down to if the relationship was serious on a case-by-case basis.</strong> That is just the phrase we gave to the people who asked. It is not out of town for FSIL or the rinbearer's mom. It is out of town for the MOH, but it would be out of town for the friend she proposed as her date, too. She is also already splitting a hotel with another invited guest. If the financial burden of a single hotel was the case, it may have been different. Tampa - we did not write "and guest" on any of these invites. We only invited people by name. We did not have it in the budget to allow plus ones to singles. They were the invited guest's name only. The only exception is that my friend's husband was on her invite (obviously), and now he may not be able to come due to business.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

    I said this way back. I guess y'all didn't see it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:55949c56-4b83-4d14-bc2a-6f0b3ba3ec7a">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know! : I said this way back. I guess y'all didn't see it.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

    We saw it. 
  • Weird, because your posts about slutty friends and how your fiance didn't have a facebook account don't reflect that you saw it. The criteria was not a strict checklist that would exclude people who considered themselves in a relationship. We took it on a case-by-case basis, as I had clarified, and nobody in a relationship was excluded.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:2cf26b07-63d0-414a-9fe2-8b86cc01c5ba">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Weird, because your posts about slutty friends and how your fiance didn't have a facebook account don't reflect that you saw it. The criteria was not a strict checklist that would exclude people who considered themselves in a relationship. We took it on a case-by-case basis, as I had clarified, and nobody in a relationship was excluded.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

    Right.  But it's not up to you to determine if a relationship is serious.  If someone thinks they're in a serious relationship, then they are in a serious relationship.  Making a guest list doesn't give you the right to get all judgey. 

    The joke about my slutty friend was just that- a joke.  My slutty friend is slutty, and sleeps with like 4 or 5 people at a time.   See?  Funny.  Cause she's a slut. 

    Calm down, OP.  You didn't want advice anyway, remember?  But if you did want advice, I'd tell you not to worry about the extras- if you've left a slot open for someone to have a guest and they want to substitute a different guest, it's not costing you any extra money.  Give your WP a plus one- they're doing a lot for you, and you should do your best to make them comfortable.  Allowing your WP to bring a guest is one thing you can do to begin to ensure their comfort.  The three co-workers bit is clearly crazy and you don't have to abide it.  You won't notice the guests of others, those substitues, and your wedding will be lovely.  You will have a wonderful day so long as you don't worry about every little detail and commit to only concentrating on what matters.  Laugh when things go wrong unless it includes third degree burns, and you will not regret it. 
  • Seriously, you sound like a pretty big b*atch right about now. Most of us agreed about the 3 co-workers of FSIL, but you're being really ridiculous not allowing your MOH and ring-bearer's mom to bring a guest of their choosing, when it really doesn't inconvenience you at all. She is your MOH, after all, do you not appreciate what she's done for you? And the ring-bearer's mom said her husband can't come so she wants to invite a friend instead (I would probably want a friend there too if I had to be around my ex-husband depending on the circumstances)- what's the big deal? You already had a spot for the husband, why can't she bring a friend? 
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:2cf26b07-63d0-414a-9fe2-8b86cc01c5ba">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Weird, because your posts about slutty friends and how your fiance didn't have a facebook account don't reflect that you saw it. The criteria was not a strict checklist that would exclude people who considered themselves in a relationship. We took it on a case-by-case basis, as I had clarified, and nobody in a relationship was excluded.
    Posted by ambermorley[/QUOTE]

    Ummm did you read Mica's post. Her and her FI did not live together, nor was their relationship on FB. So by your criteria, she would not have been invited with her FI even though he was her FI.

    Your criteria sucks. And I think you suck for not allowing your MOH a plus one regardless of how many people she may know. Single guests, fine. But this girl is probably spending a lot of money to stand up next to you and you can't even allow her a guest.

    As far as RB's mom goes you've already budgeted for her husband. I don't see the big deal with allowing her to bring someone in his place.

    Stop the crap with FSIL's coworkers though. That's just dumb on their part and rude.
    image
  • How did you address the invites? Did they say "and Guest"? If not, I don't think you should feel obligated to agree to these plus one requests. The whole purpose of the invite is to address who will be in attendance at your event. If it didn't read "and Guest" then no guest allowed.
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  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:1041bc62-319f-4113-94e5-ce2e347d98da">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did you address the invites? Did they say "and Guest"? If not, I don't think you should feel obligated to agree to these plus one requests. The whole purpose of the invite is to address who will be in attendance at your event. If it didn't read "and Guest" then no guest allowed.
    Posted by melissa3026[/QUOTE]

    She said she invited everyone by name, but that doesn't mean she's right to not allow her MOH a guest, or allow an exception for the RB's mom (who BTW is probably spending money so her little prince can be in said wedding) to bring a guest other than her husband.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:1041bc62-319f-4113-94e5-ce2e347d98da">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]How did you address the invites? Did they say "and Guest"? If not, I don't think you should feel obligated to agree to these plus one requests. The whole purpose of the invite is to address who will be in attendance at your event. If it didn't read "and Guest" then no guest allowed.
    Posted by melissa3026[/QUOTE]

    YES.  Hold your friends to a technicality.  That's the way to do it. 

    OtherMelissa, listen...nobody is denying that an invitation is written to those who are invited.  What we are saying is that when ish happens, a gracious host acts graciously.  Savvy? 
  • mkruparmkrupar member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wtfguests-wanting-bring-friends-dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a45e81a-a234-4fb2-acf7-16e14ef5c37bPost:1423e813-91d4-4d4c-afd1-21e6e17a29df">Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: WTF=Guests wanting to bring friends we don't know! : YES.  Hold your friends to a technicality.  That's the way to do it.  OtherMelissa, listen...nobody is denying that an invitation is written to those who are invited.  What we are saying is that when ish happens, a gracious host acts graciously.  <strong>Savvy? 
    </strong>Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

    That makes me think of him:


    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/10/52c7a188-bde6-4f58-ba4d-ffedebd5b88d.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '52c7a188-bde6-4f58-ba4d-ffedebd5b88d', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/2/10/52c7a188-bde6-4f58-ba4d-ffedebd5b88d.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

    Which makes me love you lots right now.
    image
  • I get the criteria for wedding guests - you're saying people who are in a relationship, and not just someone's fling. I've been to many friends' weddings where others bring their "skank" (for lack of a better term) of the week, and that's just odd for a wedding. We are inviting plus ones only for people who are in established relationships at the time the invitations are sent out.

    That being said, I think it is proper etiquette to allow everyone in the wedding party a plus-one - whether that person is the MOH or the ringbearer's parents (yes, I consider them as part of the wedding party) or the readers at your wedding, I think they have more of an investment in your wedding and deserve a plus one. Cut out people on your guest list who barely made the cut if you have budgetary concerns, but the wedding party should get plus ones. 

    The FSIL is just bizarre - I agree with the others, have her meet her friends after your reception. Her friends shouldn't even come to your ceremony and certainly not your reception. Someone should gently remind your FSIL that is isn't her day, it's yours!
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