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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Burtonbaby145
member
Invite without std
So I have an honest question that I am really not sure about. I certainly want honest opinions, but would prefer this to not sink into the negativity that has plagued many recent threads. So my problem is I got caught up in the moment looking at spaces for our reception and when one I loved had one date left open for the summer, my FI and I signed on the dotted line before our guest list was fully confirmed. Fast forward to the sending of our STD... FMIL has added family friends we did not account for on our unconfirmed list, such as neighbors, coworkers and golf buddies. This stretched our guest list to over capacity for the venue and It made me too nervous to follow the arbitrary 10 wont come rule and inviting more than it can hold, because all I think is what if they did all RSVP yes and there isn't room! So basically FI and I had to make a few cuts of college friends that we wanted there but aren't super close to. My question is, what do we do when people get our std and tell us from that they won't be able to make it. I know its not a response to the formal invitation and nowhere on the std is an RSVP or anything obviously, but I still had an uncle call me and tell me his family has already booked a vacation so they can't make it. My question is, knowing this, can I send an invitation to friends I previously cut that I now have room for? They have no idea they were originally cut from the list and they would get their invite the same time as everyone else. They just would not have gotten a std. I would think that would be ok since etiquette wise std isn't traditional anyways, but I am still unsure. And if so, I assume I should also still send a formal invite to my uncles family so that he may formally rsvp, correct? Thanks in advance for any clarification!
Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.
? J.M. Barrie
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Re: Invite without std
Its funny how a year or two cn change your guestlist. There are people I originally put on my list as invites, but then you think about, wow I have not talked to her in 3 years and now that I'm living in a different city and have lost touch with old friends it really makes you think when it comes to a guestlist. As much as I would love to include people from years back, I figure a wedding a place for the people who are a part of your relationship and people who have supported you presently, and will support your future. I've tried to keep in touch with old friends numerous times (suggest dinners, drinks, etc; the ones who have at least tried to make an equal effort I will invite in hopes they can make it, but if the other end does not reciprocate I cannot feel bad for making some cuts. I would also much rather have a close friend over a cousin I have not seen or talked to since I was 3 yrs old!
[QUOTE]We are sending save the dates to immediate family & OOT guests, so we can get a general idea of who is planning on coming and who absolutely can not make it (wedding is in CA, majority of extended family on both sides are on the east coast). There are definitely some people I would like to invite if I can, but I had to "prioritize" my guest list as bad as that sounds. <strong> Once we know who definitely cannot make it, we will finalize our invite list (and will still officially invite those who already told us they couldn't make it) but maybe add some people we were not sure sure numbers would allow</strong> and did not send STDs to (old college friends, etc). Its funny how a year or two cn change your guestlist. There are people I originally put on my list as invites, but then you think about, wow I have not talked to her in 3 years and now that I'm living in a different city and have lost touch with old friends it really makes you think when it comes to a guestlist. As much as I would love to include people from years back, I figure a wedding a place for the people who are a part of your relationship and people who have supported you presently, and will support your future. I've tried to keep in touch with old friends numerous times (suggest dinners, drinks, etc; the ones who have at least tried to make an equal effort I will invite in hopes they can make it, but if the other end does not reciprocate I cannot feel bad for making some cuts. I would also much rather have a close friend over a cousin I have not seen or talked to since I was 3 yrs old!
Posted by erinlin25[/QUOTE]
Be careful planning like this, as plans can change from the time STDs are sent to the time that invites are received. What happens if some who you sent a STD to that "couldn't make it" suddenly tells your they're coming? But you've already invited someone else 'in their place'?
Only invite who you can afford and have room to host if you have 100% attendance. You'll be surprised how many people decide to travel for weddings. We had a slew of "for sure declines" accept our invitations and attend our wedding, though we were prepared and able to accomodate all of them (just were surprised that they were coming).
STD's are just a waste of money that could be spent somewhere else.
Just my opnion.
[QUOTE]I understand the caution here but always disagree on the whole plan-for-everyone-you-invite-to-come thing. <strong>I think you have to know your people and family.</strong> For instance, I have a lot of family in Arizona and other states, even overseas. Several of them definitively said way beforehand that they couldn't come - would have been dozens of airline tickets - because of the travel and they didn't. Worked just fine. I think when you are talking about people who would essentially have to spend hundreds of dollars and take vacations and take kids out of school etc. you can trust them when they say they can't come.
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]
We had a TON of family that we were absolutely 100% certain would not attend our wedding, several of whom told us that they probable couldn't. Guess what. They RSVPed yes and came.
It is impossible to know for certain until you get RSVPs back who can and cannot attend your wedding. End of story.
[QUOTE]Yea the overinviting is what I am scared of. If it was a budget issue it would be different but it is fire code capacity. So I know this is dangerous tiered invite territory here, but how bad would it be if I did send out invites to a few college once, or if, I get back formal rsvps of no? I dont like doing it and know it is bad ettiquete, but they would never know since they are in totally different circles from other attendees, so its mot like someone would say "oh you just got the invite? We got ours months ago!" It just seems a shame to not invite them even once I know for certain I have the room. I would love to invite them at the same time, but family has to come before college friends...
Posted by Burtonbaby145[/QUOTE]
I wouldn't do this. Speak with your FI now about these latest additions with FMIL. See if he wants these people there. If he does not, then he should speak with his mom about this. Tell her that you are at your cap already and you cannot accomodate anyone else.
And even if your college friends are in a different circle of friends. They will probably be able to tell they were B listed by the late arrival of their invite or that the RSVP date is within a week of receiving the invite. It's just bad form to B List, so don't do it!