Wedding Etiquette Forum

Groomsman dropped out

One of our really good friends will not be able to make it to the wedding anymore because his new job starts the day of our wedding.  He just got a position teaching music at a university in Colorado, and we couldn't be happier for him, even though it means we won't get to celebrate with him. 

We have mentioned this to a few people, i.e. parents, and aunt, siblings...and almost every response has been "that's too bad, who are you going to replace him with?"  When we tell them that we are not replacing him, they act like it is the end of the world. 

Here is a sampling of the reactions we've gotten that might entertain you:

FI's aunt:  "Well, Stuart could do it!"  Stuart is her son, an usher, and was in the same room...awkward

my younger (single) sister: "I better get my own guy."

my (hormonal) mom: "How are you going to pair them up then?"
me: "We'll either have the bridesmaids walk alone and the guys walk in up front with FI, or one lucky guy can walk with two ladies."
my mom (looking like she might cry):  "I just don't see how that will possibly work.  What about pictures?  You CAN'T have uneven sides for PICTURES!"
me: "We'll work it out."
mom: "I just wanted everything to be perfect for you"
me: "It will be.  Sh*t happens."
mom: laughs as the temporary menopause crazy lets her be so I can recognize her again...she came around
 
FI's mom just started listing about 12 or so other family members that could take the spot, including a few who weren't even invited to the wedding.  Luckily, we had somewhere else to be.

my older sister: "Just stick my husband in there.  He makes a great prop.  He just walked in, I can tell him right now if you want..."

my personal favorite:
FI, after deciding on his own not to replace the GM (yay!): "Now I just have to decide who gets to be the pimp."

*We've obviously stopped telling people about our uneven sides... 

Re: Groomsman dropped out

  • Your sister's reaction is funny...unless she was totally serious, in which case it's a little weird.  I love your fi's reaction!

    I'm sorry your friend had to drop out, but so happy for him to get such a great position like that.  Hopefully your stage doesn't tilt, you know, from all the uneven-ness ;-)
  • Good for you for not trying to replace him. Families can be a little overbearing sometimes, but they mean well. Good luck in your planning.
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  • Have you thought about maybe surprising your Groom with a videotaped toast from this GM? It might be a nice way to have him there without him being able to be there.

    I like your FIs response. People won't even notice the sides are uneven.
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  • At the end of your wedding day, it won't matter that you had uneven sides, you're getting married your mother or sister isn't. I had uneven parties in my wedding (we kept our party to siblings only) and would not have had it any other way.
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  • I LOLed at your sister.  She sounds funny.  And your Fl. 

    Your families will get over it.  My mom got over my bm's not having matching shoes.  I think...
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  • We actually have had a situation similar to this... well, sort of. It's almost felt like a domino effect. Here's the situation:

    First of all, we have a mixed wedding party. Two of my best guy friends were asked to be groomsmen, and my fiance's two sisters were asked to be bridesmaids. We were both fine with that since it was even. Then we found out one of my fiance's groomsmen was deploying a month before the wedding and would be overseas during our ceremony. My fiance decided to replace him with a good friend he'd had since childhood, but his name is still going in our programs. Then we found out one of his sisters was not going to be able to come due to money (even after getting thousands of dollars back on her tax return). I asked one of my good friends (the wife of one of "my" groomsmen) to step in, explaining that I wanted to ask her in the first place but we'd already agreed on his sisters being in the wedding party. She understood and gladly accepted. We then found out that one of the other groomsmen, one of my guy friends, was unable to come because his wedding is just a month before ours and they're stationed in Germany. They wouldn't give him the leave (not to mention the cost of tickets) to come back to the states again just a month later. Then my fiance's other sister backed out too, just a few weeks ago (our wedding is in June), saying that they're cutting her hours back at work and she's not sure if they can afford it. This wasn't as big of a deal because the sides were back to being even, albeit smaller. Now I'm finding out that yet another bridesmaid is potentially not going to be able to make it due to finances. I understand in her situation because she's been dealing with cancer treatments. However, everyone else and the money situation... we've been engaged for almost 2 years. We asked our wedding party right after the engagement. I'm hurt and somewhat angry that people are backing out at all, and even moreso that they're waiting until so close to the wedding. At this point, it's very difficult to replace anyone even if you wanted to, because we can't give them a lot of time to find a dress, etc. I don't know what to do... because I don't want to only have one bridesmaid (plus my maid of honor), and then two groomsmen (plus the best man). Any ideas? I have a couple people I'd consider asking to step in, but I'm not sure how to ask.
  • edited April 2011
    kujerseygirl, do me a favor and go back and reread the OP. She's NOT replacing anyone. And you shouldn't either. You also really should've waited to ask your WP, since you're experiencing what a lot of brides do when they choose too early.

    ETA: And OP, major props to you for handling this the way you are. Love your FI's response.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_groomsman-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ba1e16a-bd27-4131-8d3b-b554a541b1dcPost:5ad9892d-2806-42c5-bbb4-fcc2dd170b03">Re: Wedding Party dropped out</a>:
    [QUOTE]We actually have had a situation similar to this... well, sort of. It's almost felt like a domino effect. Here's the situation: First of all, we have a mixed wedding party. Two of my best guy friends were asked to be groomsmen, and my fiance's two sisters were asked to be bridesmaids. We were both fine with that since it was even. Then we found out one of my fiance's groomsmen was deploying a month before the wedding and would be overseas during our ceremony. My fiance decided to replace him with a good friend he'd had since childhood, but his name is still going in our programs. Then we found out one of his sisters was not going to be able to come due to money (even after getting thousands of dollars back on her tax return). I asked one of my good friends (the wife of one of "my" groomsmen) to step in, explaining that I wanted to ask her in the first place but we'd already agreed on his sisters being in the wedding party. She understood and gladly accepted. We then found out that one of the other groomsmen, one of my guy friends, was unable to come because his wedding is just a month before ours and they're stationed in Germany. They wouldn't give him the leave (not to mention the cost of tickets) to come back to the states again just a month later. Then my fiance's other sister backed out too, just a few weeks ago (our wedding is in June), saying that they're cutting her hours back at work and she's not sure if they can afford it. This wasn't as big of a deal because the sides were back to being even, albeit smaller. Now I'm finding out that yet another bridesmaid is potentially not going to be able to make it due to finances. I understand in her situation because she's been dealing with cancer treatments. However, everyone else and the money situation... we've been engaged for almost 2 years. We asked our wedding party right after the engagement. I'm hurt and somewhat angry that people are backing out at all, and even moreso that they're waiting until so close to the wedding. <strong>At this point, it's very difficult to replace anyone even if you wanted to, because we can't give them a lot of time to find a dress, etc. I don't know what to do... because I don't want to only have one bridesmaid (plus my maid of honor), and then two groomsmen (plus the best man). Any ideas? I have a couple people I'd consider asking to step in, but I'm not sure how to ask.
    </strong>Posted by kujerseygirl[/QUOTE]

    you don't.  You never replace people.  It makes your replacements feel like B list and it makes the one's you replace feel replaceable.  They are friends, not props.

    Uneven sides are more than fine.
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  • I know she's not replacing anyone. That was her choice not to, and I think they handled it awesome. But we chose to replace people, mainly because we had many more friends we wanted to include than we had space up front (VERY small country church). And our wedding is a destination wedding of sorts (destination for over half the guests, and all but one of the wedding party). We felt we needed to give them the time to save up. My maid of honor and fiance's best man have both been using the time to put aside the money they'll need. If they couldn't do it, they should have said something earlier, not waited until barely 2 months before the wedding, and even then one of the bridesmaids told me on facebook that she couldn't do it. Didn't bother calling.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_groomsman-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ba1e16a-bd27-4131-8d3b-b554a541b1dcPost:946a7308-6955-43dc-a14b-6096e7a37ebc">Re: Groomsman dropped out</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you thought about maybe surprising your Groom with a videotaped toast from this GM? It might be a nice way to have him there without him being able to be there. I like your FIs response. People won't even notice the sides are uneven.
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    I love this idea!  I'll see if the GM wants to do this.  He is a pretty good speaker, so I bet he would be into it.  Thanks for posting!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_groomsman-dropped-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ba1e16a-bd27-4131-8d3b-b554a541b1dcPost:e718748b-edbd-408c-a712-3c27afdbdce3">Re: Groomsman dropped out</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know she's not replacing anyone. That was her choice not to, and I think they handled it awesome. But we chose to replace people, mainly because we had many more friends we wanted to include than we had space up front (VERY small country church). And our wedding is a destination wedding of sorts (destination for over half the guests, and all but one of the wedding party). We felt we needed to give them the time to save up. My maid of honor and fiance's best man have both been using the time to put aside the money they'll need. If they couldn't do it, they should have said something earlier, not waited until barely 2 months before the wedding, and even then one of the bridesmaids told me on facebook that she couldn't do it. Didn't bother calling.
    Posted by kujerseygirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>The point here is that it's rude to replace people, because it makes them <em>feel</em> replacable and their replacements feel like second-string (because then they are).</div>
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  • Thank you!  TRULY-Thank you. I needed a laugh today.
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