name changing issue

SheenaNash1

So my and my fiance are throwing around the idea of both changing our last name. Its not set in stone but we are thinking seriously about it. The reason why is because his last name is Harter but everyone cant help but pronounce it "harder". Not the worst thing in the world but Im a teacher and I really dont want to be "Mrs. Harder "for the rest of my life. If i ever decide to teach high school it will be a nightmare. Also, my fiance had a rough time in school being teased about his last name and we both want to try and spare our future kids that as much as we can. We are thinking of changing both of our last names to Harther, which was his families original last name before they came to America and it was changed.

My question is, if we choose to go this route, how do we handle telling people. Do we include it in the ceremony somehow, do we put it on the invites, do we just not mention it and tell people as it comes up? I dont really want part of our ceremony to be like "the bride and groom have decide to both change their name because they dislike the old one!" lol but I cant think of a good way to incorporate it.

Any ideas? thoughts?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I had a teacher named Mrs. Harder in junior high school... and uh, yeah, we never really thought anything of it.

Calypso1977

seems kind of weird, and could possibly come across as insulting to your husband's family.

why not  have him take your name?

donnaoneill

I think you're overreacting to the sparing your future children. And it doesn't seem like your FI's life has been altered because he endured some teasing. Everyone does. But, I like that you're going back to the original name and not just like combining both of your last names. I've read about people doing that in magazines and it sounds HORRIBLE. It may sound a little like you're insulting his family, but you have considered it and are sticking with the original, so I'm sure even if they did make a fuss, they would eventually see that you made the choice with them in mind.

SarahNicole80

 Taking the bride's last name is far more insulting to the family than going back to the original surname. Please don't even think about doing this. We thought my fiance's brother might do that and it just about killed his father. If you want, just keep your maiden name and when kids become and issue then maybe you could change it then. Then you don't have to worry about any explanations at the wedding. 

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-changing-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bc3f13e-b6cf-4133-b750-045bb5089b88Post:44eac31d-2b66-4067-bdf1-5308b3b12d06">Re: name changing issue</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>Taking the bride's last name is far more insulting to the family than going back to the original surname</strong>. Please don't even think about doing this. We thought my fiance's brother might do that and it just about killed his father. If you want, just keep your maiden name and when kids become and issue then maybe you could change it then. Then you don't have to worry about any explanations at the wedding. 
Posted by SarahNicole80[/QUOTE]

Well, DH and I are now Mr. and Mrs. Mylastname Hislastname, and I'm pretty sure his family still likes us and doesn't feel "insulted." Funny how we never think about a bride's family being insulted when she takes her husband's name, huh?

flyjawn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-changing-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bc3f13e-b6cf-4133-b750-045bb5089b88Post:44eac31d-2b66-4067-bdf1-5308b3b12d06">Re: name changing issue</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>Taking the bride's last name is far more insulting to the family than going back to the original surname. Please don't even think about doing this</strong>. We thought my fiance's brother might do that and it just about killed his father. If you want, just keep your maiden name and when kids become and issue then maybe you could change it then. Then you don't have to worry about any explanations at the wedding. 
Posted by SarahNicole80[/QUOTE]

<div>how is this any more insulting than taking a man's last name?  shouldn't that be a pretty big insult to the wife's family?</div><div>
</div><div>if everyone just kept their own damn names, this wouldn't be an issue.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

rubyjem00

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_name-changing-issue-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bc3f13e-b6cf-4133-b750-045bb5089b88Post:44eac31d-2b66-4067-bdf1-5308b3b12d06">Re: name changing issue</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>Taking the bride's last name is far more insulting to the family than going back to the original surname.</strong> Please don't even think about doing this. We thought my fiance's brother might do that and it just about killed his father. If you want, just keep your maiden name and when kids become and issue then maybe you could change it then. Then you don't have to worry about any explanations at the wedding. 
Posted by SarahNicole80[/QUOTE]

This makes absolutely NO sense. It's unfortunate that your FFIL couldn't accept his son's decision to do what might have been best for him.

OP, I personally think that you should just tell people as it comes up. I am sure that people will ask about your last name and at that point you can explain (or not, if you don't think it's anyone's business) that you and your DH decided to take a different last name.

SheenaNash1

Well, actually yeah my finace really did want to keep "the family name" going so thats why we thought taking it back to its roots would be a better option than him taking my last name. I really dont like the hyphenating thing for us because it would sound long and clumsy. Also, donnaone, actually yeah my finace did have some significant life changing events because of the teasing he got in school for his last name, I just didnt go into in my original post. I know that I cant spare my future kids from all teasing, im a teacher for crying out loud i know how all that works. I just think that if i can do one thing that also benefits me than why not go for it? Ive already gotten a hard time from my co workers about my new last name and it hasnt even happened yet! And, also if his family is insulted than too bad for them, Im not out to impress them in any way if its a choice that I have to life with for the rest of my life. If all it takes for them not to like me if a name change than oh well.

SarahNicole80

Ok so my post was referring to the person who said to change his last name to hers would be less insulting. It is just my opinion that that is not so. taking my personal family out of the mix, I guess I'm just going off "etiquette" of taking the husband's name or just keeping your maiden name. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion I was just saying that I think they should do what is best for them as a couple right now and worry about the kids later. 

tenofcups4me

I think how this goes is all going to come down to the way you position it (really, "market" it). Tell people that you're going back to the original name as a way to honor the family's history and you'll probably have a lot of support. Tell them you're chaning the name because the current name sucks, and probably not so much support :-)

If you do decide to go this way, I think you and your FH should give careful thought to the message you're going to put out and how it's going to be phrased. Then I would include it in the ceremony, the program, and "at-home" card with your thank yous so that people are aware of the change. Your officiant can talk about the change and what it means to the two of you--but again, you have to really think it through and make sure you're positioing it right to get a positive response.

donnaoneill

I guess I just said that because I know people who have names just as bad or worse and have gone through the same lifetime of teasing, but haven't gone through any life-changing events, so I apologize for assuming Sheena.