Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help!

Audreyfan143

Our venue is tiny and allows us only 42 seats. It's also about 6 hours from where we live so it will require travel and hotel expense for all our guests. After all the family invites (many out of state) we were left with just enough room for our very closest friends. I want to have a big shower to celebrate with all the important woman in my life, but the etiquette books are very clear; invite to both or neither! What are your thoughts? Does it help if I insist on no shower gifts?

J&K10910

The point of a shower is to give gifts.  So that doesn't make any sense.

Unfortunately, when you chose a small venue with the limited capacity, you also chose to have to decline showers, or have a smaller shower with only family that is invited.

Calypso1977

I want to have a big shower to celebrate with all the important woman in my life,

if they are that important and you want to celebrate with them, you should pick a bigger wedding venue.

hlq2011

A shower is to give gifts.  That's the purpose of it.  And even if you were to have a bridal luncheon or something, without gifts, it wouldn't matter.  Pre-wedding parties, gifts or not, are for guests invited to the wedding only.

redheadfsu

The point of a shower is gifts.

Just host a party (not wedding related) for your friends. Like a causal BBQ because it is spring/summer. Or go out together to a bar or something.

LilyWater09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_showerwedding-invite-etiquettehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c4a8443-5c5e-4640-be25-fa1e6a72344ePost:bc1f8018-016a-41ea-9d25-1ddbd819ffbc">Re: Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I want to have a big shower to celebrate with all the important woman in my life, if they are that important and you want to celebrate with them, you should pick a bigger wedding venue.
</strong>Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Agreed.  But if you have only limited funds then the important woman in your life should understand why you couldn't have the bigger ceremony/reception.  Here is my suggestion - to get your importance time in with these ladies and all the other people who you are not going to be able to invite to the reception because of $$, have a post-wedding get-together for all the people who could not come to the wedding.  Have it on your one year anniversary when you should have more $$ - call it your anniversary party "wedding take 2".  Renew your wedding vows at that time. 

I understand the cash-strapped and limited space issue.  Think yummy solutions to sticky problems. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_showerwedding-invite-etiquettehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c4a8443-5c5e-4640-be25-fa1e6a72344ePost:4059da1f-0645-4419-ae23-f8361ee17d96">Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Our venue is tiny and allows us only 42 seats. It's also about 6 hours from where we live so it will require travel and hotel expense for all our guests. After all the family invites (many out of state) we were left with just enough room for our very closest friends. I want to have a big shower to celebrate with all the important woman in my life, but the etiquette books are very clear; invite to both or neither! What are your thoughts? Does it help if I insist on no shower gifts?
Posted by Audreyfan143[/QUOTE]

<div>Whatever excuse you try and use for it, this is how it comes across " I want to have a big shower to get lots of presents."  If these ladies want to celebrate with you on a specific day, they will offer to have a get together or a luncheon.  You absolutely can not invite them to the shower and not the wedding without coming off as gift-grabby. </div><div>
</div><div>You chose this venue knowing full well that it only holds 42 people, so you chose to sacrifice things like a big shower.   </div>

Brandiewine11

There really is no way to politely invite them to a shower but not the wedding - the point of a shower is to give gifts. Host a non-wedding lunch/tea/something get-together or pick a bigger venue. Don't hold a party after the wedding for them either like PP said if it is at all wedding related. It also looks gift grabby. If these ladies are close to you, they will understand that you couldn't invite everyone and it will be ok. If you truly want them there, get a larger place and invite them to the wedding.

annakb8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_showerwedding-invite-etiquettehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c4a8443-5c5e-4640-be25-fa1e6a72344ePost:e8e7d81c-d42f-4887-8e1d-50571c5c4fff">Re: Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help! : Agreed.  But if you have only limited funds then the important woman in your life should understand why you couldn't have the bigger ceremony/reception.  Here is my suggestion - to get your importance time in with these ladies and all the other people who you are not going to be able to invite to the reception because of $$, have a post-wedding get-together for all the people who could not come to the wedding.  Have it on your one year anniversary when you should have more $$ - call it your anniversary party "wedding take 2".  Renew your wedding vows at that time.  I understand the cash-strapped and limited space issue.  Think yummy solutions to sticky problems. 
Posted by LilyWater09[/QUOTE]

This is not a good idea. I don't think it's any better to invite them to "Our Wedding: The Sequel" than it is to invite them to the shower. Plus, if you don't have the budget for a big party now what are the chances you will on your first anniversary?

ajroark

Since the point of the shower is to "shower the bride with gifts" that wouldn't really make sense. Maybe you could host a second reception to include these women? Or you could always find a different venue. Inviting them to just a shower (and specifying no gifts) would send mixed messages.

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_showerwedding-invite-etiquettehelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c4a8443-5c5e-4640-be25-fa1e6a72344ePost:bc1f8018-016a-41ea-9d25-1ddbd819ffbc">Re: Shower/wedding invite etiquette...Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I want to have a big shower to celebrate with all the important woman in my life, if they are that important and you want to celebrate with them, you should pick a bigger wedding venue.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

If it was that important to you that you celebrate with them, you would have picked a venue that allowed you to invite them to the wedding, which is, you know, the important part. 

DramaGeek

Dammit!  I shouldn't vote when tired.  I thought I was clicking no but accidentally clicked yes.

For the record, you should consider that 1 yes vote to be a no.