How about some mild controversy for your day?

JK10910

May or may not be inspired by someone I may or may not know.

If someone (let's call her Katie) cheated on her boyfriend (let's call him Alan) with a good friend of both Katie's and Alan's (but a VERY good friend of Katie's, and not quite as good of Alan's--obviously) (let's call him Joe), and Alan forgives Katie and wants to work on their relationship, should Katie still have contact with Joe?  Is there an acceptable "cooling off period" during which she shouldn't, but then it's alright?  Explain.

(for clarity's sake let's recap:  Katie = GF, Alan = BF, Joe = other man)

RachNRich

No contact.
No.

Mrs.B6302007

I vote no.  A complete break is best.

sarabear23

Totally,100% no contact.
Thats crazy.

tlv204

Hmm, this reminds me of friends, except there wasn't really cheating (when Emily told Ross he couldn't see Rachel ever).  I guess I don't think it's ok for Alan to forbid Katie from seeing Joe, but if Katie really cared at all about fixing the relationship she would avoid him for a while anyway.

Also, I don't think Katie and Alan will be together for long regardless, just because the question is being asked. Why does she really want to see him anyway? What reason does Alan have to believe she won't do it again?

RachNRich

Okay, I failed to explain--so I'll try. If Alan has to ask her to not have contact with Joe--that sets up tough barriers for Katie, and she may turn to resent Alan for restricting who she can and cannot have contact with.

If Katie decided to restrict her contact, the same results may happen.

I don't think there should be initial contact--but that decision would have to come from Katie, not from Alan. As for a cooling off period--well, would the same thing happen again if Katie and Joe reconnected?

I'd lean towards saying this will be difficult to get past, especially because Joe is a friend.

mandysmear

If I cheated, I would break contact without H even telling me too.  It's common sense, decency and respect for all parties involved.

mocha beans

I'd say for now, no contact, or limited supervised contact.  It sucks that their friendship is going to go down the drain, but that's the consequences of doing such things.

tlv204

Yeah rach I agree with what you just said. However, like I said before, since it sounds like there already is resentment on both sides, I'm going to sick with "this won't last very long anyway."

JK10910

Ok, does it change anything for anyone if Joe no longer lives in the same state?  And contact would be limited to phone/email?  They would pretty much never see each other, and definitely not be alone together (which obviously, IMO, would be a terrible idea).

tlv204

See I was thinking the only reason she WOULD see Joe is because he was a member of a group of friends and it would be awkward to "kick him out" of gatherings just because Katie cant' keep her legs closed. But if he's out of state, then why the hell would she contact him anyway?

Can I please call Alan and tell him to dump her? Like now?

mocha beans

I think that if she wants to stay in contact with Joe via phone/email, that would fall under the supervised contact idea.  So, she should offer to let Alan read emails she sends back and forth, and to not hide in another room when/if she talks to Joe on the phone.  Transparency.  Start to build the trust up again that way, if she really wants to work on the relationship and fix it.

But I agree that Alan having to impose guidelines like that is just a recipe for disaster and resentment.  If she won't offer up the transparency, then I'd say no contact.  If that's the way it's going to be, it will probably inevitably fail anyway.  You can't have her be resentful, because he'll never trust her, and that's a big problem.

JK10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mild-controversy-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d2d347a-71d6-49fc-bd3d-09279e8c327bPost:a5baa04e-6a6d-4d93-a7c6-526d62c77bef">Re: How about some mild controversy for your day?</a>:
[QUOTE]See I was thinking the only reason she WOULD see Joe is because he was a member of a group of friends and it would be awkward to "kick him out" of gatherings just because Katie cant' keep her legs closed. But if he's out of state, then why the hell would she contact him anyway? Can I please call Alan and tell him to dump her? Like now?
Posted by tlv204[/QUOTE]

Well there would be some gatherings, and yes he is a member of a group of mutual friends, but they'd be few.

And yes, better you than me, tlv ;) 

AmoroAgain

So what does this matter then?

JK10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mild-controversy-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d2d347a-71d6-49fc-bd3d-09279e8c327bPost:2ecbbe90-c1ac-49d8-b58c-1fba6c654ad4">Re: How about some mild controversy for your day?</a>:
[QUOTE]So what does this matter then?
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Probably not a whole lot ;)

polichik

Any inconvenience on Katie's part is her own doing by choosing to cheat on her SO.

Frankly, if Alan had to ask her to cut off contact and she was reluctant to do so, I don't have much hope for the relationship. I'm going to assume that Alan found out, and Katie didn't tell him, and she's now ending the affair because she got caught, not because she was full of remorse. Never a good sign.

There should be absolutely no contact whatsoever. Based on this post, it doesn't seem like she really wants to give up Joe and be with Alan. I'd be very worried for them.

AmoroAgain

I just meant that if he's already out of state, she'd have to make a hell of a lot of effort to keep seeing him-- which would be pretty noticeable to her bf.  Anywho, I'm in the "won't last" boat.

JK10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mild-controversy-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d2d347a-71d6-49fc-bd3d-09279e8c327bPost:e30a33b6-ba14-4c42-9c14-8d767ee3fea2">Re: How about some mild controversy for your day?</a>:
[QUOTE]Any inconvenience on Katie's part is her own doing by choosing to cheat on her SO. Frankly, if Alan had to ask her to cut off contact and she was reluctant to do so, I don't have much hope for the relationship. I'm going to assume that Alan found out, and Katie didn't tell him, and she's now ending the affair because she got caught, not because she was full of remorse. Never a good sign. There should be absolutely no contact whatsoever. Based on this post, it doesn't seem like she really wants to give up Joe and be with Alan. I'd be very worried for them.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

Actually, as far as I know (so who really knows?) it was a one time thing, and she told Alan on her own because she knew she fuucked up (um, duh?). 

JK10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mild-controversy-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d2d347a-71d6-49fc-bd3d-09279e8c327bPost:850503b5-6b10-4f3d-853e-1a80dc8f9fa7">Re: How about some mild controversy for your day?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just meant that if he's already out of state, she'd have to make a hell of a lot of effort to keep seeing him-- which would be pretty noticeable to her bf.  Anywho, I'm in the "won't last" boat.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I don't THINK she intends to keep seeing him.  But I really have no idea anymore.  I think she just wants to talk to him.  But I also think she realizes it's a bad idea.  Then again, I'm closer to Alan than Katie so I really only know what he tells me.

MyNameIsNot

I think if Katie really cares about saving the relationship, cutting off contact with Joe would be just one thing she could give Alan to help him forgive her and trust her again.

AmoroAgain

I don't really understand the "wanting to work it out" feeling after cheating anyway.  It makes me feel all squiggy and dirty. 

Mrs.B6302007

Out of state or across the street,  it doesn't matter to me.  If she had an inappropriate relationship, she needs to cut all ties and all contact  if she wants her current relationship to move forward. 

mags0607

I didn't read the pps, but here is what I think...

Katie should be the one deciding to break contact with Joe. If Alan has to ask her or demand her to do it, the relationship has serious problems extending beyond the cheating. If Joe was a mistake, Katie will make an effort with Alan and limit her contact with Joe as much as possible. If she is still seeing/emailing/talking to Joe like nothing happened, then I would question Katie's commitment to Alan. This does not seem like a realtionship that is going to last. And it makes is harder that Joe was a friend, because if I was Alan I would have a bigger problem with it. Then, I would probably call Joe myself and tell him that Katie is all his for the taking, and tell Katie to "get the hell out."

thesuninherhead

Like B, I vote no- if she really wants to make things work with her partner.

Kristin789

>> If Alan has to ask her to not have contact with Joe--that sets up tough barriers for Katie, and she may turn to resent Alan for restricting who she can and cannot have contact with.
If Alan HAS TO ASK HER, then Alan should get a new girlfriend.

>>If Katie decided to restrict her contact, the same results may happen.

Not if she truly repents and recommits herself to her relationship to Alan.

/>>difficult to get past, especially because Joe is a friend.

Joe is NO FRIEND.  A friend recognizes that two of his friends are in a relationship and he no longer sees Katie as a potential girlfriend/sexpartner/whatever.