gift for a "wedding"

LaSak87

Hi ladies,
I recently received a STD for a wedding in September.  This girl is a family friend and is planning to get married in Vegas.  I attended her baby shower a few weeks ago, and during the shower, her mom let slip to me that she was already married and not to tell anyone.  Apparently they got married last September after the announced they were having a baby but don't want anyone to know so they can carry on with this fake wedding this year.  This all left a really bad taste in my mouth.  I wasn't planning to attend because I have a lot of work travel scheduled around that time, but now I don't even want to send a gift.  Am I right to feel like this or should I just suck it up and send a gift?

SmallenForever

Gifts are never required, especially if you don't even go to the wedding. Don't worry about sending anything. 

Twowarlocks

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-for-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4f7e0b29-9233-4dc1-9f9b-0c1a8c7ea02aPost:94aae7d0-078e-46e6-ac81-5e0c5f2275da">Re: gift for a "wedding"</a>:
[QUOTE]Gifts aren't required.  You could send them an anniversary card and your well wishes.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>That's a great idea. I second this one. </div>

LaSak87

A small part of me would want to put something snarky in the anniversary card, but I'll try my best to suppress it

lyndausvi

I think I would just send something small.

AddieCake

Send a card or something small, but don't write anything snarky in it.

LaSak87

Just to clarify, I wasn't actually going to write anything snarky.  There is just a part of me that is bothered by them already being married and trying to keep it a secret so they can have a PPD.

Simply Fated

I would skip it and not send a gift, but that's just me.
I'm glad you aren't really writing anything snarky becaues even though it's super tempting (I'd definitely be tempted to say something) it would put her mom right under the bus. Her mom made a mistake that was not as bad as this friend's mistake was. I'd probably send the mom a "congratulations on your daughter's 1 year anniversary *wink wink*" card before I sent this friend anything.

NOLAbridealmost

I wouldn't send a gift unless I attended.  I can get over the sham if it means I get a free meal and open bar....even if I was side-eyeing the hell out of it.

AJuliaNJ

I'm going to have to go against the grain here, but I don't think I'd have an issue with this at all.  I couldn't imagine that I would care if she got married legally the year before or on that specific day. The point is that she did get married and she wants to be able to celebrate with her friends and family. Also, if she got married by the state, she might still consider the religious, spiritual, or otherwise more meaningful ceremony taking place in September to be the "real" weddng. Like others on this board, she had a certain vision for her wedding and wanted the opportunity to live that out.

However, I understand you are offended by this, and you have every right to be. You should never have to "just suck it up" if you don't believe in something. As with any wedding, you are in no way obligated to go or send a gift.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-for-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4f7e0b29-9233-4dc1-9f9b-0c1a8c7ea02aPost:d065552e-237b-4278-8b3d-01822e6f650d">Re: gift for a "wedding"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to have to go against the grain here, but I don't think I'd have an issue with this at all.  I couldn't imagine that I would care if she got married legally the year before or on that specific day. The point is that she did get married and she wants to be able to celebrate with her friends and family. Also, if she got married by the state, she might still consider the religious, spiritual, or otherwise more meaningful ceremony taking place in September to be the "real" weddng. Like others on this board, she had a certain vision for her wedding and wanted the opportunity to live that out. However, I understand you are offended by this, and you have every right to be. You should never have to "just suck it up" if you don't believe in something. As with any wedding, you are in no way obligated to go or send a gift.
Posted by AndreaJulia[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I have a real problem with being lied to. THAT is why this is an issue. Not when the person got married. It's that she's keeping it a secret and lying about it.

</div>

LaSak87

Thanks for all the advice!  I definitely don't want to cause a rift between her and her mom.  I definitely won't be able to attend (Thursday wedding, getting to Vegas from Delaware is a big issue), but I'll at least send a card.  It just bums me out that she's actively trying to make sure no one knows she's already married.  Oh well, none of my business.

TrillianPrefect

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gift-for-a-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4f7e0b29-9233-4dc1-9f9b-0c1a8c7ea02aPost:98813485-d505-4d9a-a5d1-1556dc39e20b">Re: gift for a "wedding"</a>:
[QUOTE]AndreaJulia, she is lying about it. She is lying about it so she will get the shower of attention, the showers, the bachelorette, and especially presents, presents, presents. She's an attention prostitute. I bet she has a money dance and a honeymoon and house registry, too.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div><div>Or maybe she's doing it so people won't judge her and there were legal or personal reasons they had to do the legal part previously and don't consider that their real wedding.  It sounds like they didn't get to have a wedding involving their friends and family and they eloped.  Why the hate that she wants to share part of the experience with you now?  And why the assumption that it's for "presents" rather than because she genuinely wants to make and share a life memory with her friends and family?  Do you hate on people who have two receptions because their family is all over the world too?</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know what kind of weddings you go to, but I sincerely doubt it is about the presents.  Weddings are so crazy expensive that I doubt the value of all the presents together would be any where near the wedding expenses in total.  I'm sure she likes the attention on some level, but wanting to share important experiences with people who are important to you isn't contemptible, is it?  Why assume the worst of someone who is (presumably) your friend?</div></div><div>
</div>

LaSak87

The problem isn't the wanting to have a party with family and friends.  The problem is with the lying.  If you want to have a party because you eloped, don't try to keep it a secret that you're already married and make people believe that they're actually being invited to the wedding.  I wouldn't have had an issue with being invited to a party to celebrate their marriage, but the fact that they are lying about it bothers me.