Wedding Etiquette Forum

Two different etiquette questions...

My fiance has a friend (it is actually his sister's BFF) and I know her too.  We want to invite her to the wedding, but not her husband.  Too many long stories to count, but we don't want anything to do with him.  Besides addressing the invitation to JUST HER, how do we tell her not to bring her husband?

Secondly, my fiance's Dad is a budding photographer and has offered to do our wedding (and all the trimmings i.e. engagement photos, bridals, etc) as our gift from him and my fiance's mom for the wedding.  Even though she really isn't going to be involved in them.  We offered to hire him an assistant for the day (a family friend) and offered to pay her $200.  I feel bad that he is going to be doing all that work and not getting anything.  Should we offer to pay him $200 too or is that an insult that we pay him the same as the assistant or that we are even offering at all since he said it was a gift?

Thanks in advance!

Re: Two different etiquette questions...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-different-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53f20dd8-9f2a-4296-a686-52ccef9ff956Post:6faa5c57-318e-4710-a455-61164fc26b8b">Two different etiquette questions...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance has a friend (it is actually his sister's BFF) and I know her too.  We want to invite her to the wedding, but not her husband.  Too many long stories to count, but we don't want anything to do with him.  Besides addressing the invitation to JUST HER, how do we tell her not to bring her husband?
    Posted by manello[/QUOTE]
    you can't
  • 1. It's really rude to not invite her spouse, there is no good way to go about it.

    2. If he offered to do it as a gift I'd let it be at that and thank him profusely.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-different-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53f20dd8-9f2a-4296-a686-52ccef9ff956Post:6faa5c57-318e-4710-a455-61164fc26b8b">Two different etiquette questions...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance has a friend (it is actually his sister's BFF) and I know her too.  We want to invite her to the wedding, but not her husband.  Too many long stories to count, but we don't want anything to do with him.  Besides addressing the invitation to JUST HER, how do we tell her not to bring her husband? Secondly, my fiance's Dad is a budding photographer and has offered to do our wedding (and all the trimmings i.e. engagement photos, bridals, etc) as our gift from him and my fiance's mom for the wedding.  Even though she really isn't going to be involved in them.  We offered to hire him an assistant for the day (a family friend) and offered to pay her $200.  I feel bad that he is going to be doing all that work and not getting anything.  Should we offer to pay him $200 too or is that an insult that we pay him the same as the assistant or that we are even offering at all since he said it was a gift? Thanks in advance!
    Posted by manello[/QUOTE]

    1)  Weddings are not the time nor place to pass judgement on other's relationships.  She is married to him.  They are a social unit.  You can choose to invite both of them or neither of them, but not just her.

    2)  If he offered it as a gift, then don't offer to him.  The money would probably be refused, anyway, and may even be taken as an insult.  That being said, I strongly caution against mixing business and friends/family.  If something goes wrong, you have no recourse to take action without potentially damaging relationships. 
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  • You can't invite her and not her husband.

    A budding photographer does not make your FI's father a wedding photographer. Exactly how many weddings has he photographed? What kind of equipment does he have?

    No one has the father of the groom doing the photography at his son's wedding. Real professional photographers hire out for this. That would be beyond odd to have him working on his son's wedding day.

    And what are the qualifications of this assistant? What is this assistant suppose to be doing?  This assistant is just a family friend.

    You obviously don't value the skill and knowledge of a professional wedding photographer. You are going to end up with amateur snap shots of your wedding. And working family members at your wedding is not a cool thing to do. 


  • Didnt get to your second question, but no. You can not not invite the husband of a friend. For any reason. social unit = invited. End of story.
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  • If you invite the friend, you must invite her husband.  I highly doubt you will even notice him the day of.

    I would not offer him money but would provide a nice gift after. 
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  • You can't invite her without inviting her husband.  If it is important to have her there then you have to invite him as well.  You won't even notice him the day of.

    Also, I wouldn't offer money if he said it was a gift.  Thank him and leave it at that.
  • ditto everyone.
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  • 1.  Put a personal note in with the wedding invitation to her.  LIke this;

    Julie,

    We want you to come to our wedding and reception,
    But not your husband - we've hated him since your relationship's inception.

    So please get a dress and a really nice gift and we'll see only you there,
    Because we're just inviting YOU, not you and hubby as a pair.

    Love, Tina and Mike

    See?  Even the very rudest ideas look better in the form of a poem.

    2.  Just say thanks and write a nice TY afterward.  This is FI's parents' wedding gift to you.  Period.  I had a family friend do the videography, and another family friend assist him, and I totally understood that they did this work AS their gift to us.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-different-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53f20dd8-9f2a-4296-a686-52ccef9ff956Post:6faa5c57-318e-4710-a455-61164fc26b8b">Two different etiquette questions...</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiance has a friend (it is actually his sister's BFF) and I know her too.  We want to invite her to the wedding, but not her husband.  Too many long stories to count, but we don't want anything to do with him.  Besides addressing the invitation to JUST HER, how do we tell her not to bring her husband?

    I'm guessing this is a joke?

    Posted by manello[/QUOTE]
  • BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    100 Comments
    edited July 2010
    Agreed that you cannot invite a wife without her husband.  She may choose to come without him, but you cannot invite only one of a social unit.

    I don't know your family dynamic, but I agree with Tide in strongly cautioning you about having your FIL as photographer. You will only have one shot at these photos, and unless it's completely unavoidable it's really better not to trust them to an amateur ("budding" implies beginner). A lot of brides splurge on photos for this reason, cutting back elsewhere.

    My cousin is a photographer who has had work published, but neither she nor I wanted her to be in charge of wedding photography, because 1) she'd miss part of the fun, and 2) it's a specific kind of photography that she doesn't do.

    Professional photographers will know how to go about really capturing the day, and won't be distracted by the family aspect of the wedding. It may be too late to say, "Thanks but we'd really rather have you as a guest," but if it's not, I would do that and hire a pro.  All of the after part would be easier too: making sure photos are processed correctly, getting proof sheets, knowing you'll have a lot of good options to choose from instead of hoping there will be some you like.
  • It would be extremely rude to not invite the husband.  I think that would just create more drama between you and your friend, and I would expect that if you told her the hubby couldn't come, she wouldn't come either.  They are a unit.  You'll be so busy that you won't even notice he is there.

    I would caution as well about having your FIL do the photography because if they turn out horribly, you can't do anything about it!  If he ends up doing it though, don't offer him money.  It is a gift, and you should accept it as such.
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  • Oh.  How would you feel if you got invited to an event and they didn't invite your husband?  I mean, I get why you want to do that, but it's insulting and rude to the husband AND your friend.  Please don't exclude him.  Either invite them together or don't invite them at all, really.

    Because I'll be honest, if I did get an invitation and my husband wasn't included, if I decided to go (which I probably would), anyone who asked where my husband was would be told he wasn't invited specifically.  And that just makes you, the bride, look like a petty biitch.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • Thank you all so much for your advice.  No, it wasn't a joke, it was an honest question.  I will discuss with my fiance and see if we are inviting them as a couple.

    As far as FIL doing photos, I said "budding", but he really is good and has studied for a few years.  I only said budding because he has only done one other wedding and it was a disaster due to the bride (no fault of his).  He has done our family photos for the past two years and always done wonderful work.  There are a few minor things I worry about (more to do with timing and long setup times) but I know it will work out well.

    Thanks again!!
  • Won't your FI's dad be too busy enjoying the wedding to be the photographer?  I really think this is a bad idea.  The photographer works the WHOLE day!  Really think about what you want for photos.  If they aren't that important to you, then no worries.  But if they are, how will you feel if you don't get any photos of your first dance or cake cutting because FIL is talking with family or friends?  Or how will you feel to know that your FIL didn't eat dinner because he was running around taking photos?  When someone offers to do something like this, they become a vendor.  I woudln't want my FFIL to have to "work" his son's wedding.  A distant uncle or other relative, maybe it would be okay.  But FI's father?  He should just be a guest and try to enjoy the day!

    Anyway, just my 2 cents.
  • noodle, I totally agree.  And, I told him that was my main concern.  I want him to be father of the groom, first and foremost.  He really isn't happy unless he has a camera around his neck, so he is thrilled beyond words that we asked him to do this for us.  We already have it set so we are going to stage those types of pictures after we are announced at the reception, so he is free to do his own thing for the rest of the reception.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_two-different-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53f20dd8-9f2a-4296-a686-52ccef9ff956Post:468412ac-3f66-435f-b97b-6301101206dc">Re: Two different etiquette questions...</a>:
    [QUOTE]noodle, I totally agree.  And, I told him that was my main concern.  I want him to be father of the groom, first and foremost.  He really isn't happy unless he has a camera around his neck, so he is thrilled beyond words that we asked him to do this for us.  We already have it set so we are going to stage those types of pictures after we are announced at the reception, so he is free to do his own thing for the rest of the reception.
    Posted by manello[/QUOTE]


    You initially said that your FFIL offerred to photograph the wedding. Now you say that you asked him to photograph the wedding. I can't believe you had the nerve to ask the father of the groom to do this. Don't make me laugh with this he really isn't happy unless he has a camera around his neck.

    You said that he has only done one wedding before and that it was a disaster. I don't care what the issues were with the bride, if your FFIL was any good he still would have been able to shoot good photos.

    Its obvious you have no idea what it takes to photograph a wedding.  I bet the truth is that you just don't want to pay for a real photographer so you are going to work your FFIL at your wedding. That is shameful.
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