second guessing my +ones

crosswordnerd

I was invited to a wedding last summer without my fiance. It sucked! We had been engaged for 7 months and the couple knew it but they had a strict rule that only married couples could come, except for the bride's brother. He got to bring his brand new fiance and they had been together for not much longer than I had been engaged. That couple threw together a wedding a month later and I'm happy for them, I just thought it was strange that a quickie engagement was worth an invitation but no other engaged couples were allowed to bring their fiance(e)s.
I made the effort to make sure I had significant others included when I made my invitations. We only have like 2 single people coming so they are getting plus ones (it only seems fair, since it seems all our friends and family members are in relationships and they would be the only 2 without dates). We don't really have a length of dating time rule since everyone has been together for a while. However, if we did, I would probably go with 6 months of dating gets an invite. There could still be exceptions, such as if Bob and Sue dated for a year, broke up for 6 months, and then started dating 4 months before the wedding. I'd extend the invitation to them as a couple due to their history. In general, put yourself in their shoes. If you were them, would you feel hurt by being left out? It might be a good idea to factor in all the extras you plan to invite now. Some couples might break up in the next year. You do not have to give any truly single people a plus one if you don't want to. Weddings can be expensive but there are always ways to cut back.

bripratt2

See in my social circle inviting so's that no ones ever met is almost unheard of so thats probably why I dont get why people get so offended.  I suppose if I lived with someone It might be different but see even then there are some people who probably just wouldnt know I was living with a bf like cousins or something who dont talk to me on a daily basis.  If someone has no idea this person doesnt exist I wouldnt make a big deal out of it.  (Now this usually happens with famiy see so I would obviously know most people It doesnt happen with friends because anyone Im close enough to to be invited to a wedding is close enough to me to know the seriousness of my relationships)

bripratt2

again i know you guys are technically right I just dont like it lol.  Therea re so many situations in my social circle where I feel like it might even be overkill. (really no offense)

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:second guessing my ones:[QUOTE]Forgive me, I've just never read that far into into it. I've always thought of it like family vs not family. Like a married person is family and an engaged person is about to be family. The rest aren't family, so to speak. I've never thought it was undermining a relationship. I think its the way its worded really. It leaves me thinking I remember being attatched at the hip in high school but then I grew up and became independant. Again no offence I still just trying to make this requirement make sense in my mind. Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]

Family is what you make of it. A person doesn't have to share genes or legal papers to be considered family.

dtbluv

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-guessing-my-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:54ea745b-358a-42d7-b2b9-a5701497b299Post:5fbb363f-edda-4efa-8349-32765adf5752">Re:second guessing my ones</a>:
[QUOTE]Forgive me, I've just never read that far into into it.<strong> I've always thought of it like family vs not family. Like a married person is family and an engaged person is about to be family. The rest aren't famil</strong>y, so to speak. I've never thought it was undermining a relationship. I think its the way its worded really. It leaves me thinking I remember being attatched at the hip in high school but then I grew up and became independant. Again no offence I still just trying to make this requirement make sense in my mind.
Posted by ridedatbike[/QUOTE]

I can see what you mean, but I disagree with it.  FI and I are drawing up a tentative guest list right now, and I'm for cutting out all cousins so I can fit my friends on the list.  To me, my close friends are more like "family" than my actual family, they've been a larger presence in my life, they're the ones I call with good or bad news, they're the ones I share personal feelings with and all that jazz.  My cousins are people I see at barbecues and holidays, we exchange anecdotes, make sure nothing new is going on in life, and that's it until the next holiday.  For me, family is who you want it to be, not necessarily who blood/legalities ties you to.

Also, my brother and his gf have been together for 4 years.  She has spent every major holiday with our family for the past three years, her and my brother talk about buying a house and having kids together, but they decided they won't be getting engaged or married until everyone can (gay marriage FTW!).  We consider her family, but by your definition she isn't.  My brother would be extremely offended if she was not invited to an event with him, because they are a social unit.

beardownbchs

A few months ago I was invited to a cousin's wedding. No +1, no name of my fiance. We had been together almost 5 years, living together for 3 and engaged for 2 months. I was kind of upset but I didn't know the proper etiquette and went alone. My other cousin asked where FI was and it was awkward - I didn't want to tell him that he wasn't invited and I didn't want to make my family think he didn't want to come with a stupid excuse. 

I mwt my first boyfriend when I was 14 and we were together for two years. I was 16 when he was invited to a wedding of a family member and I was invited by name. I had never met these people - they were pretty distant family and it was a huge wedding. I will never forget how nice that felt and how thoughtful it was. 

But question for whoever it was that said a couple isn't a real couple unless they have a ring or live together...I lived with a male friend for a few years. We were in a committed relationship - we were friends and we signed a lease together. Does this mean we should have been invited to events together? There are 100 reasons why your ideas are flawed.

rajahmd

I just want to add my story to the mix:

I had already been engaged for four months when my former best friend got engaged.  Her parents decided to pay for her wedding, but wanted to keep the guest list to only 75 people.  They also required her to invite all family members, regardless of whether or not they actually wanted them there, and followed the "no ring, no bring" rule.  They apparently did not even consider an engagement ring enough.  My friend refused to stand up to her parents about it, even though she knew how hurt I was that they were refusing to invite my fiance.  Eventually, I got her wedding invite with just my name.  It stung, even with warning that it was coming like that.  I felt like having the perfect wedding had become more important than my feelings, my relationship, or my fiance.  She told me I would be able to bring him once they got enough "no";s, but honestly it hurt even worse for him to be B'-listed.  OP, don't do what my friend did.  Find the room in your budget for all SO"s, or cut back on the guest list.  Have respect for your friends/family members and their relationships.

crosswordnerd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_second-guessing-my-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:54ea745b-358a-42d7-b2b9-a5701497b299Post:e789e69e-1844-44e8-9fd9-3727e19063c6">Re: second guessing my +ones</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: second guessing my +ones : No. You can't pick a time like that. A good friend of mine, A, got engaged at four months. Whereas we have another friend, B, and it took a year before he was even on an "I love you" basis with his gal. If A was only at the 3.5 month mark, almost engaged, and I invited B and his girlfriend, but not A's boyfriend, how would that have made her feel? (side note: amusingly enough those really are their initials). Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. That is why picking ANY timeframe is judging the seriousness of the relationship. Instead you call up and say "hey, are you in a relationship? You are? Great. What's his name for the invite?" Also, as to the person who mentioned its being weird to invite a half of a couple you've never met... it doesn't matter. You won't be the one spending the majority of the evening with that person; your dear guest who's coming to your wedding to support you will be. You don't need to be best friends with them. Also, if a person is close enough to you that you'd invite them to your wedding shouldn't you be thrilled at the chance to meet their special person if you haven't already? And thrilled that that person cares enough about your friend to join them at an occasion where they might not know anyone? As far as the flavor of the week... that's the beauty of asking your guest "are you in a relationship? What's his name?" Then you put the name on the invite. If he really did end up just being a flavor of the week, and they've already broken up by the RSVP date, then you don't have to have them at your wedding! Don't judge the relationship. Take your guest's word for it that she's in one... put her SO on the invite... And if in the end you were right and it really wasn't serious they'll be broken up by the wedding anyway; one less mouth to feed. Win.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

I really don't have this problem. I've heard the 6 month rule but I am not following it. Everyone gets a plus one for my wedding because they are either married, engaged, living together (close enough to engaged/married in my book) or in a relationship but not living together. It's hard for me to think of not inviting everyone as a couple but my situation is very different from the original poster's situation. I've been on the other side of "no ring no bring" and I was originally supposed to have a short engagement and get married a month before that couple. She was still not going to invite my fiance even with a ring because we were not married on the day she got engaged (a year prior to her wedding)! Time frames can be tricky and that is why my 2 single guests can bring whoever they want. One of them had a boyfriend for about 3 months but I told her she could bring him. They just broke up so I told her to bring a date or a friend, whichever she felt more comfortable doing. The other single person is bringing a friend, which is fine with me (and I am hoping to play matchmaker ;) ). I can see for an elaborate affair with a strict budget it could be hard, which is why I planned my wedding so that everyone has a date and kids can come. Plus, I really wanted it that way. It sucks having to travel and be alone or be stuck at home. I just had to be creative with my budget but it's a low-key affair so it hasn't been too difficult to make sure all our guests have someone.