Wedding Etiquette Forum

FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated

Hi! I'm a lurker...and I need advice :)

So my FI's cousin (M) is a groomsman for our wedding which is in 3 weeks.  He's 6 years younger than us (18), and he recently found himself a girlfriend (I believe they became "official" after we sent out invites; however, I'm not totally sure on that).  Apparently they found each other online or whatever, and this past week he traveled across the country to visit her.  So now, he's...in love....with her.  *side note: I kind of role my eyes to this, but I'm really trying hard not to be judgmental to his puppy love.

FI called me this morning and said he received a text from M saying that he's invited his girlfriend to Iowa around the time of the wedding and asking if she could come along.  I immediately said no for obvious etiquette reasons which FI agreed to as well.  Just now, I've received a message from M on facebook asking the same question.

Neither me or FI have responded. FI is wanting to talk to M's mom before he says anything to M.  But the thing is, M's mom recently emailed me asking if all of our wedding party has dates because she "doesn't want her son feeling left out."  ...this was another thing I did a slight eye roll to (everyone in the  6 person wedding party are very friendly people who wouldn't make anyone feel "left out").  I explained to her that no, there are 2 other people in the wedding party that don't have dates (my brother and sister).  But anyways, I think she'll try to press the idea of inviting this girl so M doesn't feel "left out."   

I think the sole decider for this is my mom, being that her and my dad are the main contributors, money-wise.  I think she'll just say, sure, what the hell, but my gut tells me we're riding the fine line of being over-booked for our venue, and every "no rsvp" that we get, will help us with this issue.

Should I go with my gut and say no?...what if this girl still ends up flying to see M during the time of my wedding anyways (I don't think they have the actual dates set for this get-together)?   I just think it gets a little complicated with air-fare involved, so part of me just wants to allow for me...despite the fact that I (and FI) find it really annoying.

Sorry this is stupid long, but the whole thought of it irritates me, and I just wanted some un-biased opinions on it. Thanks!

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Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated

  • Since they became "serious" after invites went out, I'd probably just say no. If his parents are there and he knows other people at the wedding, he won't feel left out. It's not summer camp.
  • Georgia:  I'm having a woe is me day, and that little pig makes me happy.
    ...along with you response!

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  • I'm sorry, what were the obvious edict reasons for saying no?  I would thing the obvious edict would be to allow his girl friend to come.  Perhaps I'm not understanding things, but he is in the wedding party and they usually get dates, also she is his GF who usually would be invited. 

    Just let me know why I'm wrong. 
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  • Just say no.  This is not a serious relationship and he's known the date of your wedding so if they arrange for her to fly out at that time that's their fault/bad timing.
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  • Should I wait for FI to talk to M's mom, or should FI or myself just call and tell him?
    I'm assuming the latter because he's not a child even though I feel like he's acting like one.
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  • Just answer the message he sent you on FB in the same way your FI did.  I'm sorry, but we can't accomodate her, we hope you can still make it.  No need to invovle his mom, you're right, he's not a child and his mom shouldn't be fighting his battles.
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  • And by latter, I mean ladder.
    I have not had enough coffee this morning.
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  • It sounds like M purposely invited her out at that time with the sole intention of her coming to the wedding. I would say no and have your mom tell him that her coming out at that time is just not going to work, because of the wedding.
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  • LD1970LD1970 member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:2c80fee0-1589-4c1b-b13c-666828ccfef6">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]And by latter, I mean ladder. I have not had enough coffee this morning.
    Posted by kayladee87[/QUOTE]
    Actually, you were right with latter.  :D
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • I would say yes on this only because he's in the wedding party. If he wasn't I would tell him too bad. Your brother and sister don't have dates either but if they asked wouldn't you let them?
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  • Thanks for your responses. I'll definitely get back to M after I talk to FI.  I don't even know if M's mom knows about this trip M is planning for his gf.  Frankly, I find this all so stupid, and I hate the fact that it's bothering me so much!
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  • If you really don't have room for one more chair, then you have no choice but to say no.  If that's NOT the case, though - I'd just let her attend.  It's really not for you to judge whether they're in love or not or how serious their relationship is. 
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  • Eh..... It's a fine line since he's in the wedding party, and technically they should be given dates, even if they're not in a LT relationship. He's also 18, not 13, so I do think it's different.

    I guess I'm thinking that if my one single BM called me up and said that she met this great guy and that he's willing to fly across the country to be her date... I'd definitely say yes. So, it's tough, but I think I'd let the date come, as long as your haven't already given the caterer your numbers.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:299e7f28-9448-4d17-bc61-a1699e9bbd6b">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would say yes on this only because he's in the wedding party. If he wasn't I would tell him too bad. Your brother and sister don't have dates either but if they asked wouldn't you let them?
    Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

    This is an excellent point!
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  • Ha, thanks for helping me look at the other side of things....definitely good points.  I'll have to talk to FI and I know he thinks this whole relationship is a bit silly. But as Squirrly pointed out, who are we to judge. 

    If I do think about it, if my brother/sister were in the same position I (and my mom) would immediately add them in.  So yea, I think that just gave me my final decision.

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  • If you have no extra space for her.. then you aren't lying when you say you can't accommodate her (although you should have made sure you had space for 100% attendance).

    He is family... and obviously close enough to you to be in the WP (unless he is just being used as a prop).... you still have 3 weeks before the wedding... which is plenty of time to get you final headcount and seating charts done.  If it was me.. I wouldn't hesitate to find a spot for her.  Not only would this make my family happy (which is a huge priority .. not just for the wedding).. but it will make your guest happy (as a host.. I feel accommodating your guests is important).

    Yes, it is annoying that it is so last minute.  But I don't think they are being rude about it.. and they are probably so insistent on an answer quickly so they can buy tickets.

    I find it more annoying that you are so judgmental of their happiness.  For all you know.. they have been talking for weeks or months and are happy together.  He isn't a random guest, but family and in your WP.  He probably wants to introduce her to family.  If they are in "love" who are you to judge.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:ddc45ccd-ed14-48a6-aaec-598f39ab61cd">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you really don't have room for one more chair, then you have no choice but to say no.  If that's NOT the case, though - I'd just let her attend.  It's really not for you to judge whether they're in love or not or how serious their relationship is. 
    Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

    This, PLUS he's in the wedding party. PLUS she's likely to be visiting at that time and probably knows no one else in the area. Did you originally give him a plus one and then rescind? Most people give their WP members a plus one. I think the proper etiquette on this is to error towards allowing him to bring his girlfriend.

    I get the feeling that you are against this because you think it won't last, you don't want her in your wedding pictures, you've never met her, you judge the way they met, etc. When in the end, it really isn't your busines or your problem.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:4cd912e0-cbe0-4aba-9d50-9337e720167c">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated : This, PLUS he's in the wedding party. PLUS she's likely to be visiting at that time and probably knows no one else in the area. Did you originally give him a plus one and then rescind? Most people give their WP members a plus one. I think the proper etiquette on this is to error towards allowing him to bring his girlfriend. I get the feeling that you are against this because you think it won't last, you don't want her in your wedding pictures, you've never met her, you judge the way they met, etc. When in the end, it really isn't your busines or your problem.
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    Yea, I think it was my personal etiquette mistake on not giving him an plus one.  Frankly, my FI and I didn't even think about it.  So yea, I think with that all in mind, we should squeeze her in for sure.
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  • Am I missing something, what are the 'obvious ettiquette reasons' for saying no to his date ? - because they're not engaged or living together ?   I am a believer that every adult should be allowed 1 guest because noone likes to go alone somewhere, they should have a date/dancing partner, someone there to hang out with. If your venue and parent's budget allows it, then I think his date should be allowed.

    Not sure why you sound so snippy, who cares if they found each other online?  He's 18 which means he is an adult. I actually know someone who traveled across the country to meet someone and now they're married (after dating long-distance 1 year) and seem very happy
  • Oh, and I probably do come off as judgmental of their relationship. Honestly, I might be a little bit, but again as I posted in my OP, I'm trying not to. Truly.

    Thanks for all the advice...I appreciate it!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:79c776b3-05bc-478a-abcb-1560af12b7dc">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Am I missing something, what are the 'obvious ettiquette reasons' for saying no to his date ? - because they're not engaged or living together ?   I am a believer that every adult should be allowed 1 guest because noone likes to go alone somewhere, they should have a date/dancing partner, someone there to hang out with. If your venue and parent's budget allows it, then I think his date should be allowed. Not sure why you sound so snippy, who cares if they found each other online?  He's 18 which means he is an adult. I actually know someone who traveled across the country to meet someone and now they're married (after dating long-distance 1 year) and seem very happy
    Posted by loop0406[/QUOTE]

    Point taken.
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  • if any of your wedding party has plus ones, then let him have one too, seriously, it sounds very important to him I would allow it, and who cares how they met, there are people who meet on line and have long term relationships every day
  • Well done with taking everyone's advice, OP! You should stick around :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:11170114-690d-471e-8f86-30349399daa2">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]if any of your wedding party has plus ones, then let him have one too, seriously, it sounds very important to him I would allow it, and who cares how they met, there are people who meet on line and have long term relationships every day
    Posted by dizzinea[/QUOTE]

    Yea I think my initial bit of judging just came from the fact that he is fairly young (which doesn't give me regardless), and jumped into it really quickly.  I think they met and within less than a month he flew across the country to see her.  But I understand that it's a really popular way to meet people/create good relationships and what not.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:eb0d4462-2f6d-4c11-be98-90200f2970e6">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well done with taking everyone's advice, OP! You should stick around :)
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    Well when I say I'm a lurker, I literally lurk every day (my lovely job allows for down time where I just find myself on this site). So perhaps I'll speak up more often :)
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  • polichikpolichik member
    2500 Comments
    edited July 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:06351ce3-9b6d-400f-b8aa-962c2ad63932">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated : Yea I think my initial bit of judging just came from the fact that he is fairly young (which doesn't give me regardless), and jumped into it really quickly.  I think they met and within less than a month he flew across the country to see her.  But I understand that it's a really popular way to meet people/create good relationships and what not.
    Posted by kayladee87[/QUOTE]

    Ahhhh. See, I'm a bit biased here :) FI and I met when I was 19 and he was 22. We spent two days together as friends, then I went to India for 6 months and didn't communicate except for one e-mail saying hello. When I came back, he drove 8 hours from Chicago to visit me, and we've been together ever since :) Long-distance for a year and a half, living together for two years.

    ETA: I'm also realizing I attended FI's best friend's wedding (FI was a groomsman) after we'd been together for two months. I remember really appreciating it! The bride at the time is now one of my BMs. So, you never know!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:5c119742-a544-44da-bbf8-ee66757bad29">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh, and I probably do come off as judgmental of their relationship. Honestly, I might be a little bit, but again as I posted in my OP, I'm trying not to. Truly. Thanks for all the advice...I appreciate it!
    Posted by kayladee87[/QUOTE]

    You can't call it "puppy love" and then claim that you only MIGHT be judgemental of it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:08b9e7a5-bdf0-4ff0-8fbe-8df249457214">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated : Ahhhh. See, I'm a bit biased here :) FI and I met when I was 19 and he was 22. We spent two days together as friends, then I went to India for 6 months and didn't communicate except for one e-mail saying hello. When I came back, he drove 8 hours from Chicago to visit me, and we've been together ever since :) Long-distance for a year and a half, living together for two years. ETA: I'm also realizing I attended FI's best friend's wedding (FI was a groomsman) after we'd been together for two months. I remember really appreciating it! The bride at the time is now one of my BMs. So, you never know!
    Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

    I stand corrected!
    And the more I think about it, the more I realize it is fine if she comes.  When my FI called to tell me, I literally just woke up and had the initial WTH moment, got ready for work, and wrote this post.  I'm just glad I didn't immediately message him back telling him no!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fis-cousin-wants-plus-1a-little-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5580b172-bf5e-4e2d-afbc-079d3fe7b8eaPost:cd011a4d-895c-439d-b28b-d1fc22d6b001">Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: FI's cousin wants a plus 1/a little complicated : You can't call it "puppy love" and then claim that you only MIGHT be judgemental of it.
    Posted by damaless[/QUOTE]

    Yes...
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  • Eh, my last post didn't make sense..

    I can claim something is puppy love, and if I find it judgmental that's my own fault.  I am fully aware of this.
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