MIL Asking for Gift Amount?

duckie1905

I already know the answer but I'm just curious to find what others think.  My MIL called me today and asked me how much we were given as a wedding gift from a particular family.  Her reasoning was that their son is getting married and she needs to know how much of a gift to give him.

I was appalled by this.  I called my mom and she was also appalled.

I don't remember how much or what they gave us but even if I did still have the record I wouldn't have told her.  I suggested she just give whatever she was comfortable with giving.  She then suggested that I just want her to look like an idiot so I wasn't going to tell her on purpose.  Well, she does idiot all by herself.

Was being appalled the correct response or is this something that goes on elsewhere and just not in my family?

salt78

Yeah I would be appalled. It's none of anyone else's business what someone spends on a gift for me. 

mocha beans

I think appalled is the correct response, yes.

lissypooh628

<------------ so glad my FMIL lives out of state and hardly ever answers the phone.

Yikes.  very awkward situation for you.

Kristin789

It's extremely common in the South for a parent of a newlywed to ask how much or what someone gave, so that they can match the value when gifting their friend's son/daughter who is getting married.

My mother gave us a washer/dryer.  And FMIL asked FI to look up those exact models on the Sears website and tell her how much those cost.  He did.  And FMIL+FFIL gave us a check in exactly that same amount to go towards us buying a new couch.

I understand that those of you who live in more cosmopolitan areas don't understand this kind of traditional social matching.  But it's considered to be important in other areas that still hold fast to etiquette and customs.

salt78

Hey Kristin's here! How've you been?

brookelynpaisley

I'd be appalled. You don't give a gift expecting to get anything back. By the same token, you give what you can. So what if this family gave you $500 - does she feel she has to give the same? it's ridiculous.

tenofcups4me

I wouldn't be at all appalled -- to me it's a perfectly normal question and I would have happily given the answer. I don't know why people get so weird about this. If someone wants to make sure they're giving about the same amount as others, how else can they really find out?

I know the standard answer is to give what you can "afford." But that doesn't make sense to me because the reality is that I can afford a lot more than I typically give. But I do want to give gifts that are in line with what other people are giving.

cukimerrydoll

It seems weird to me, but I don't really see a huge problem with it...
Probably because it would be more likely to come from my mom instead of my FMIL.

wcvsb3b5

Eh I could see any one of my parents or FI's parents asking for that reason. It wouldn't really bother me because if I were them I wouldn't want to look like an ass and underspend..

banana468

Kristin, this isn't "cosmopolitan" the practice is outrageously rude.

The gift is from the giver to the receipient.  What is is and how much it is worth is not to be broadcasted to others.  To do so is rude to the giver - and to ask makes the third party look like a cheap busy body.

Duckie, MIL asked me for a gift list.    Does that answer your question?  :-)

LesPaul

Just because something is 'common' doesn't mean it isn't rude.  You had the correct respoonse, duckie, telling her to give what she is comfortable with.  It isn't a competition.

HisCB

honestlly i am often curious about other gifts at times, but i couldnt imagine actually asking what it was, or how much it cost.

if my mom or mil asked, i dont know how i would respond., good thing my mom is too cheap and not concerned about appearances.  

petehole

Wow!  I have a family member kind of like that too, so I know how you feel.  There's not much you can do.  Maybe to smooth things over you could take a look at the couple's registry and "suggest" a gift for your MIL to get?  Maybe just something that looks cool?  That way it seems like you're trying to help pick out a nice gift?