Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease

cherbein

My one grandma has had alzheimer's disease for many years now.  She has reached the point where she can't tell you what she did five minutes ago, she mixes up events from the past, and she's not really sure who everyone in the family is anymore.  She also thinks she has to go to the bathroom every five minutes, but when you take her she doesn't need to go and at other times she just has accidents.

My dad moved her in with my parent's about a year ago because she cannot live on her own anymore.  She forgets to eat and bathe and still sometimes thinks she's in the small town in PA where she grew up but hasn't lived for 50 years.  She is currently going to essentially adult day care at the local senior center during the day and coming home to my parent's in the evenings and on weekends.  To say the adjustment has been rough for my parent's would be a major understatement, particularly where my mom is concerned.  Grandma is lost and confused.  She can be the sweetest lady one minute and then turn in to a cursing screaming harpee the next, particularly when you try to get her to eat or take her bath.  She and my mom were never close and at this point my mom has zero patience with her and wants absolutely nothing to do with her in general and particularly at the wedding.  My dad's brothers have already proven that they aren't really willing to help with grandma.

She is my grandma, and despite everything people keep telling me I want her at my wedding.  She had four sons and then three grandsons before I came along and I am her first little girl and I think she would want to be there.  I told my mom that I would look in to hiring a nurse to watch grandma during the wedding day so that mom wouldn't have to worry about that responsibility and that if grandma wanted to leave early from the reception, she could.  My mom nearly bit my head off and said that grandma would misbehave for a stranger and that it was my father's job to figure out what to do with her.  My dad is not good about making arrangements for grandma which makes my mom angry because it's next to impossible for them to go out and do anything.  Mom then nags dad and they have a huge fight.  I'm trying to avoid the fighting and still have my grandma at my wedding.  Any ideas?

ohwhynot

Oh dear, I am sorry.  What a terrible situation.  Your wedding isn't until next year, though, so you have some time to figure things out.  I'd advise you to let things lie for awhile, and not even mention the wedding until at least late Autumn; things may have changed by then.  Your grandma might be more accustomed to other care providers (unsolicited advice:  look into respite care for your parents) by then, or she may not be living at your parents' home anymore.  I hope this works out for you. 

MISSCOURTNEY20

Well, having dealt with a parent with alzheimer's, I would not suggest having her at the wedding. It was very hard for my father to sit still and dealing with strangers was very hard. Who takes care of her during the day? Your parents? Maybe you can have someone stay at home with her and then stop by, with your dress on, and take some pics with her. HTH

danieliza1127

I'm sorry but I really don't think she should be at your wedding.  It's a very hard situation I know, but she won't know where she is or what is going on and it might be very upsetting to HER.  I think this is a situation where you have to put aside your desire for her to be there and think about how scary or overwhelming it could be for her, not to mention the difficulty it would bring for your Mom and Dad.

Allen+Smith

What a sad situation   Since the wedding is still a little ways off, maybe a part-time nurse could be hired to work with your grandmother occasionally, with the hopes that they might develop some sort of relationship. that way your parents don't have to worry about leaving her in the hands of a stranger on your wedding day.

But like at least one pp mentioned, it is entirely possibly that the ceremony and reception might be overwhelming for HER, not so much you and your parents. It will probably be hard to tell for sure what she can handle until you get closer to the wedding.

Good luck! I hope it all works out for you and your family.

baystateapple

I am so, so sorry.  I don't have anyone in my family with Alzheimer's but I have had several good friends who have lost relatives to the disease, and I know it is extremely hard.  I agree with PP, it's probably better to not have her at the ceremony, particularly if it is going to distress her.  But the idea of stopping by her home to take pictures, so she can see you in your gown, is a good one.  That way, you will be able to see each other on your wedding day, and she won't be unduly distressed or upset. 

Good luck.  *HUGS*

hd7694

I am going to jump in here and agree with PP's.  It is very understandable that you would want your grandma at your wedding.  However, it may very well be hard on your grandma to be with a ton of strangers.  Chances are it will be really upsetting for her, adding to the confusion and all.  Agreeing with OWN, I would check into respite care.  They have people that will come into the home for a few hours a week/month to sit and give your parents a break.  Especially your mom.  If they sign up for this, chances are it will be the same person each time and your grandma would get used to that person.  Not only that but, they are usually (here in our area) nurses who would be able to handle different situations. 

If your grandma does come to your wedding your mom would not enjoy herself.  She will be too busy to be able to participate.  Like the PP's have said, your grandma really won't know where she is or what is going on.  By having her there it really is just making things harder on your parents.  Your parents will be there but, they won't really "be there" due to taking care of grandma. 

Relax and give it some time.  Things might looks different to everyone in a few months. 

kristinanddan

I dealt with a very similar situation with my wedding. My grandfather died last May, 6 months before my wedding. After that, my grandmother, who has had alzheimers or dementia for years, really went downhill. She had to be moved to a nursing home, but she got worse and worse over the summer. Having lived through it so close to the wedding, I don't think she should go. There were times when I know my grandmother still wanted to go, but most of the time the person I was talking to wasn't even my grandmother anymore. She was just a shell of the person she once was.
Having that many people around your grandma in a place she isn't familiar with could be super overwhelming. That, and it is a really long day. Is there any way she could see you in your dress before the ceremony? That or record it, and let her watch it later.

squirrly

I'd say, let her skip the wedding.  If you want, you can go visit her while you're all dressed up, and you can have somebody take her dinner from the reception.  But, not even considering how much extra stress it will be for you, your mom, and your dad - whether you have a nurse or not - it's going to be hard on your grandmother too.  And as much as she loves you, she's going to be confused.  It's really not fair to put her through that. 

If it's possible she'd be on one of her good days and she'd be close by, you might get the photographer to go with you to see her and get a few photos, but don't push it too much. 

(You had the right idea with finding an attendant, though, if it were more reasonable for her to attend.  I just don't think it's going to be enough to make it ok.)

mica178

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I agree with PPs about not having her at the wedding.  It sounds like she has fairly advanced Alzheimer's disease, and as such, she likely won't appreciate being at your wedding.  The experience would likely be confusing and stressful for her.

Is your grandmother a veteran?  (A lot of women in that generation were involved in WWII.)  If so, she might be eligible for a 2 week respite stay at one of the VA nursing homes.  Or if you family has considered hospice, hospice will pay for respite stays at local nursing homes.  But it does sound like your parents are experiencing caregiver burn out, and they should either join an Alzheimers caregiver support group (check out alz.org) or look into getting a little break.

kellyjellybelly

Looks like I'm going to be the lone disagreer (is that a word?) here.  My MOH got married last year, and her family hired a nurse so her grandmother could come to the wedding.  The nurse brought her to the church and then to the reception.  She stayed at the reception through dinner and then they took her back to the nursing home.  I have no idea how much that cost them, but it was very important for her to have her grandmother present on her wedding day, and she has pictures with her at her wedding. 
One of my grandmothers is in a nursing home with some form of dementia.  If my wedding had not been out of state, I would have done the same thing. 

missy68

Having been in this situation twice, let your grandmother stay home. Go visit her with your new husband in your wedding finery, and take her the corsage you would have given her or a reception centerpiece.

My grandmother missed my first wedding because she was the sole caregiver for my grandfather who had Alzheimer's; she missed my cousin's wedding because she had a triple bypass the day before (they were near enough to go see her), and she missed my 2nd wedding in September because she is now homebound with Alzheimers and 24/7 care.

To put her in an unfamiliar situation would be way to stressful for your grandmother. Have someone videotape the ceremony if you think she'd like to see it (both of my grandmothers watched a live feed of mine online), but let her be in a place she knows and is "comfortable."

I'm sorry you're going through this - it is tough. I guarantee you it is 10x tougher on her children - I watched it just eat up my mom and sister up with their father, and now their mother.  Good luck.

hd7694

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandma-alzheimers-disease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:562ce69c-5809-4ab2-bc5e-652a8918f43dPost:9b07a10c-71cb-4069-9781-1940aa190d5a">Re: Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease</a>:
[QUOTE] (You had the right idea with finding an attendant, though, if it were more reasonable for her to attend.  I just don't think it's going to be enough to make it ok.)
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]


Maybe I misread what OP was saying.  Did she mean to have a nurse at the wedding or a nurse to stay with grandma at home so the parents could attend the wedding? 

Respite care is someone that comes to the home for a few hours every once in awhile to give the caretakers a much needed break.  Wedding or not I think that this sounds like what OP's parents need.  I think that OP should talk to dad about it and try to help him look into it/arrange it.  

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandma-alzheimers-disease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:562ce69c-5809-4ab2-bc5e-652a8918f43dPost:ce3e67c6-afa3-41ab-a0c5-d4d2261e877a">Re: Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease : Maybe I misread what OP was saying.  Did she mean to have a nurse at the wedding or a nurse to stay with grandma at home so the parents could attend the wedding?  Respite care is someone that comes to the home for a few hours every once in awhile to give the caretakers a much needed break.  Wedding or not I think that this sounds like what OP's parents need.  I think that OP should talk to dad about it and try to help him look into it/arrange it.  
Posted by hd7694[/QUOTE]

I read it as she was looking to find a nurse or attendant who could bring her grandmother to the wedding.  I think, if she was "herself" more, it could be a viable option, but it sounds like she could be very easily stressed out and just very, very unhappy - even with fully qualified medical assistance available.

hd7694

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_grandma-alzheimers-disease?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:562ce69c-5809-4ab2-bc5e-652a8918f43dPost:16e3dee7-846a-44cc-b282-3101506b34c5">Re: Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Grandma with Alzheimer's Disease : I read it as she was looking to find a nurse or attendant who could bring her grandmother to the wedding.  I think, if she was "herself" more, it could be a viable option, but it sounds like she could be very easily stressed out and just very, very unhappy - even with fully qualified medical assistance available.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I read it as she wanted to hire a nurse to stay at home with grandma.  Maybe OP will come back and let us know which way she meant it!  I completely agree with what you are saying.  I think that she will get very stressed and that would not be good for grandma.

KN2011

I understand where you are; I lived with my Grandmother during her battle with Alzheimers, because my parents moved in to care for her.  You obviously care a lot about her, but, if she is in the more advanced stages of the disease (as you describe), it would be less stressful for both of you to leave her where she is most comfortable.  I know that sounds harsh, but it really might be best for her if you don't remove her from home.  I know that when we moved my Granny, even if it was just to the store, she would become frantic and be upset for days afterwards. 
Sorry that you have to make such a terrible choice, but remember that your Grandmother will probably be much happier not being removed from her comfort zone, and will, most likely, never know what she missed.  She'll just be happy that you're happy!

cherbein

My original thought was to hire a nurse to bring grandma to the ceremony and to come to the reception with her.  This way if she wanted to go to the bathroom or wanted to go home early she could without my parent's needing to do anything and missing part of the wedding. 

Grandma simply adores my fiance and if I come to the house without him she asks me every five minutes where "that nice man" I normally have with me is.  She can't remember his name, but she knows someone else is supposed to be there and that she likes him.  My fiance lets her tell the same stories a hundred times over without letting on that he's already heard it and she loves to have someone sit there and listen to her on good days.  I would really like to have her at the wedding, but I do understand the point that 99% of you are making that it may not be best for her to take her out of her comfort zone.

I'm going to talk to my great aunt (grandma's sister) who is also an RN and see what she thinks and also see what grandma's state of mind is as we get closer to the wedding in January.

Simply Fated

"Grandma is lost and confused."

Oh, hun, this isn't going to change at your wedding. I totally understand that you want your grandmother at your wedding, but I think what would be best for your grandmother is for her to stay at home and rest. I also had a grandmother with this disease and I was a lot younger than you are. This disease gets worse and worse... and her good days will get less and less frequent. No one can predict how your grandmotehr will feel on the day of your wedding and this isn't something you and your father should be taking on alone on a day that can get really hectic and chaotic.

Ginabean2011

My grandmother also had Alzheimer's for many many years before she passed away. It broke my heart and also the heart of my family members. I do not think she should be at the wedding, especially a year from now when it is likely she will have progressed even deeper (I'm sorry to say). I know this is really hard. But you need to balance what you want with what is best for her. I agree with the posters that say she might be confused in a wedding environment and would prefer to be in her familiar surroundings. Plus think of it this way- would your grandmother, in her right mind, WANT you to have her there in her difficult state? One of the saddest things I remember about my grandmother is that she had so much pride and would have been mortified over her "bad" days. I know if she could have she would have insisted that we not put her in a position where she might be embarrassed over something she unwittingly had done, do you know what I mean? She might never know or realize if she had a difficult time at your wedding, but would she want you to potentially put her in that position? I'm sorry again- good luck, I know Alzheimer's is a terrible terrible disease.