Pre-wedded Invite issue

AutumnnBride08

My groom and I are actually already married. We eloped last Feb, but he is military and deployed very shortly thereafter. We still are planning to have an actual wedding ceremony and reception for our family and friends and so we dont feel like we missed out on anything, but it will will be 1 year later. Now I am stumbling across the issue of how to word invitations and Save the Dates? Should we still call it a wedding? Should I put both my maiden and married name on the invites? I dont want it to be seen as just a celebratory party because we will be doing a vow renewal ceremony with the dresses, the aisle, the cake... the works, but I also dont want to mislead any distant relatives or friends who may not know the entire situation. Help!

damaless

All the advice you will get here is that you should call it a Vow Renewal and that you should celebrate it as such.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:ba584727-cbca-414f-8f9b-1cdc6ea397ba">Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My groom and I are actually already married. We eloped last Feb, but he is military and deployed very shortly thereafter. We still are planning to have an actual wedding ceremony and reception for our family and friends and so we dont feel like we missed out on anything, but it will will be 1 year later. Now I am stumbling across the issue of how to word invitations and Save the Dates? Should we still call it a wedding? Should I put both my maiden and married name on the invites? I dont want it to be seen as just a celebratory party because we will be doing a vow renewal ceremony with the dresses, the aisle, the cake... the works, but I also dont want to mislead any distant relatives or friends who may not know the entire situation. Help!
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

You should call it a vow renewal.  The invites and everything can be just like wedding invites, just replace "marriage" with "renewal of vows."  To call it a wedding would be a lie.

AutumnnBride08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:a6902341-562f-4f8b-b079-be5f0fcdd4e9">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Pre-wedded Invite issue : You should call it a vow renewal.  The invites and everything can be just like wedding invites, just replace "marriage" with "renewal of vows."  To call it a wedding would be a lie.
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]
<font color="#000080"><em>
I beg to differ, because the definition of a Wedding is simply the social event at which the ceremony or celebration of marriage is performed. And that is EXACTLY what we are doing. We are not lying by considering it as such. I appreciate your advice on the invitation wording all the same.</em></font>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:ba584727-cbca-414f-8f9b-1cdc6ea397ba">Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My groom and I are actually already married. We eloped last Feb, but he is military and deployed very shortly thereafter. We still are planning to have an actual wedding ceremony and reception for our family and friends and so we dont feel like we missed out on anything, but it will will be 1 year later. Now I am stumbling across the issue of how to word invitations and Save the Dates? Should we still call it a wedding? Should I put both my maiden and married name on the invites? I dont want it to be seen as just a celebratory party because we will be doing a<strong> vow renewal</strong> ceremony with the dresses, the aisle, the cake... the works, but I also dont want to mislead any distant relatives or friends who may not know the entire situation. Help!
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

Call it like it is.

A vow renewal ceremony with a reception to follow.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:be0a4e65-7fb3-4f79-be19-b80fd7129759">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : I beg to differ, because the definition of a Wedding is simply the social event at which the ceremony or celebration of marriage is performed. And that is EXACTLY what we are doing. We are not lying by considering it as such. I appreciate your advice on the invitation wording all the same.
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

But you're not performing a marriage ceremony.  That was already performed if you're already married.  You can't technically have another wedding without getting divorced first.  Calling this a wedding and not letting everyone on your invite list know that you're already married will pretty much be looked at as "lying" and a selfish way to scam gifts from people.  I'm not saying this is necessarily your intention (I'm sure it's not), but it will most likely be seen that way.

golden1215

Are you registering for gifts?

AutumnnBride08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:5227e2f0-c3ae-4973-bec7-dbd7664cadab">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : But you're not performing a marriage ceremony.  That was already performed if you're already married.  You can't technically have another wedding without getting divorced first.  Calling this a wedding and not letting everyone on your invite list know that you're already married will pretty much be looked at as "lying" and a selfish way to scam gifts from people.  I'm not saying this is necessarily your intention (I'm sure it's not), but it will most likely be seen that way.
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

<font color="#000080"><em>99.99% of our family and friends know we are married as far as I know. Anyone who doesnt, that would be on our parents part for not telling them for whatever reasonings. We are not asking for gifts, so that wont be an issue. I just dont like the term' renewal of vows' (even though yes, technically it is) simply because to me it indicates a small informal ceremony and reception, whereas a 'wedding' says, well, exactly what everyone expects. We did not have a proper wedding the first time. We had the two of us, two witnesses and a Judge in a tiny cramped and cluttered office and werent even allowed to kiss. So no, I dont see that as having a first wedding. We signed paperwork and said 'I do' but that was about it. However if this is the proper way to address the situation, I would like a clever way of doing so.</em></font>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:dea77496-a798-4b2d-8121-4f544ad176c8">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE] We did not have a proper wedding the first time. We had the two of us, two witnesses and a Judge in a tiny cramped and cluttered office and werent even allowed to kiss. So no, I dont see that as having a first wedding. We signed paperwork and said 'I do' but that was about it. However if this is the proper way to address the situation, I would like a clever way of doing so.
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

<div>You're going to offend a lot of people with this. A lot of people who went to the courthouse to get married and very much consider themselves legally "married," had a "wedding" a the courthouse, and think it's condescending that you think their marriage day wasn't good enough.</div><div>
</div><div>And frankly, if you wanted to invite people to a big "wedding," perhaps you should have waited and not got married last year.</div>

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:dea77496-a798-4b2d-8121-4f544ad176c8">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : 99.99% of our family and friends know we are married as far as I know. Anyone who doesnt, that would be on our parents part for not telling them for whatever reasonings. We are not asking for gifts, so that wont be an issue. I just dont like the term' renewal of vows' (even though yes, technically it is) simply because to me it indicates a small informal ceremony and reception, whereas a 'wedding' says, well, exactly what everyone expects. We did not have a proper wedding the first time. We had the two of us, two witnesses and a Judge in a tiny cramped and cluttered office and werent even allowed to kiss. So no, I dont see that as having a first wedding. We signed paperwork and said 'I do' but that was about it. However if this is the proper way to address the situation, I would like a clever way of doing so.
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm sorry but you only get one wedding - one chance to make it proper.  It sucks that you didn't have your big wedding the first time but that is how life goes.</div><div>
</div><div>Its a renewal of your vows - not a wedding.</div>

LesPaul

Your wedding was the ceremony at which you became married.  This happened to be in the judge's office.  You and your husband chose to take this route.  To call your vow renewal a wedding is incorrect and misleading.  At least you didn't lie about getting married . . .

AutumnnBride08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:1b30d3e8-53a1-4b32-adbe-645fea8f0252">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : You're going to offend a lot of people with this. A lot of people who went to the courthouse to get married and very much consider themselves legally "married," had a "wedding" a the courthouse, and think it's condescending that you think their marriage day wasn't good enough. And frankly, if you wanted to invite people to a big "wedding," perhaps you should have waited and not got married last year.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<em><font color="#000080">It is definitely not my intent to offend anyone, that was simply MY experience. If I could have had a 'wedding' at a courthouse, I would have, but I did not have that luxury due to certian circumstances which are off topic and no one elses business. I simply asked how to word invitations. Thank you.</font></em>

brilibby4

[QUOTE]Your wedding was the ceremony at which you became married.  This happened to be in the judge's office.  You and your husband chose to take this route.  To call your vow renewal a wedding is incorrect and misleading.  At least you didn't lie about getting married . . .
Posted by LesPaul[/QUOTE]

This!  Sorry, but you and your husband CHOSE to get married the way you did.  I understand your circumstances but either way you already had a wedding and are already married.  A ceremony with reception now would be called a vow renewal. 

arv266

My nephew, who is a Marine, married his GF and was deployed to Iraq two weeks later. When he got home, his parents threw a huge wedding.  A real fancy thing with an officiant, DJ, dancing, WP and cake -- the works.  The invitations only included their first names and used the wording "as they exchange vows".  It was the best wedding renewal ceremonyI have ever been to. 

Don't get all worked up about the wording; focus on the intent to celebrate with your friends and family. 

AutumnnBride08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:7bb0c72d-d35d-46a4-a185-f7cdca6c6f04">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My nephew, who is a Marine, married his GF and was deployed to Iraq two weeks later. When he got home, his parents threw a huge wedding.  A real fancy thing with an officiant, DJ, dancing, WP and cake -- the works.  The invitations only included their first names and used the wording "as they exchange vows".  It was the best wedding renewal ceremonyI have ever been to.  Don't get all worked up about the wording; focus on the intent to celebrate with your friends and family. 
Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]
<em><font color="#000080">
Thank you!!! That sounds perfect. </font><font color="#000080">I knew it was just a simple matter of wording, but I couldnt come up with anything on my own lol</font></em>

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:614d5b71-3161-431c-bd4a-73661fd52a34">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : Thank you!!! That sounds perfect. I knew it was just a simple matter of wording, but I couldnt come up with anything on my own lol
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]
As they exchange vows...for the second time....

saisongbird

Call it a vow renewal with a reception to follow.  You can still have the big white dress, the dancing, the cake.  But you're not getting married - you're renewing your vows.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:55fdfdab-5e85-48af-be75-e9f5b784d850">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : As they exchange vows...for the second time....
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

Yeah, but the first time didn't count, remember?  Because it wasn't a pretty princess day...and the office was cluttered...

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:dea77496-a798-4b2d-8121-4f544ad176c8">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : I just dont like the term' renewal of vows' (even though yes, technically it is) simply because to me it indicates a small informal ceremony and reception
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]
Just because that is your perception of a vow renewal, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. You need to understand that.
I always think of the Gilmore Girls episode where their vow renewal included a huge ceremony with a very elaborate reception.

I think "...As they exchange their vows again." is a great term to use for your invitations and STDs. :)

LesaBear

I get where you're coming from. It's hard to put in words and that's what makes it difficult. Under your circumstances with the fact that just about everyone knows, I would simply just avoid the specific word wedding.
"as they celebrate their love/ commitment"
"as they exchange vows"
something to that effect. GL

sarah0725

"Pre-wedded" is a pretty hilarious way to describe this situation.

temerityjane

You guys, everyone knows that the military forces you to abandon the wedding of your dreams. I mean, Buddy and I have only avoided it by living in a bunker deep beneath the surface of the earth.

rknox88

Wow.

I agree with other PPs who suggested wording it with phrases such as:

'as the celebrate their love'
'as they exchange vows'

I don't think you should worry about people misinterpreting the occasion, most of your close friends and family will know the event will be just like a traditional wedding ceremony and reception, just that you will be renewing your vows.  Others will hear it through the grapevine.  And don't feel like you missed out on a 'wedding' because what really matters is that you are committing yourself to spend the rest of your life with the person you love.  The dress, the guests, the food and dancing-none of it is as important.  You and you husband made that special commitment in February and will get to celebrate your love with family and friends next year.  It doesn't matter if it gets to be called a wedding or vow renewal.  The main thing is that love is being cherished and shared.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:754fd73c-4e32-4c6a-bf5c-25362ec3899d">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : It is definitely not my intent to offend anyone, that was simply MY experience. If I could have had a 'wedding' at a courthouse, I would have, but I did not have that luxury due to certian circumstances which are off topic and no one elses business. I simply asked how to word invitations. Thank you.
Posted by AutumnnBride08[/QUOTE]

<div>You <em>did</em> have a wedding at the courthouse.  A wedding is where you get married.  You got married.  Thus, wedding done.  It may not have been the wedding you dreamed of, but it was your wedding.  It was your real wedding, your actual wedding, and your official wedding.  It is the only wedding you will have for this marriage.  </div><div>
</div><div>It is, by definition, physically impossible to have another wedding without getting divorced first.  You will be renewing your vows.  Call it as such.  </div>

temerityjane

If nothing else - if nothing else at ALL - isn't the idea of a MARRIED WOMAN in a big white wedding gown hilariously strange?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:88386989-0e5b-448f-b5ed-642f58079df8">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]If nothing else - if nothing else at ALL - isn't the idea of a MARRIED WOMAN in a big white wedding gown hilariously strange?
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]
You know, I never really thought so until you said this... and, like, it is kinda strange to me. I mean, in my head it looks really costume-y. Hopefully in real life it will look better.

DLuchner

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:71309669-5414-47fb-b54f-27c38ae6dcd9">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue : Yeah, but the first time didn't count, remember?  Because it wasn't a pretty princess day...and the office was cluttered...
Posted by lisarose7[/QUOTE]

It's pretty ironic Lisarose has "stop the drama" under her name yet you are so incredibly rude!  I have only been on this site for 2 days and already I'm com
completely turned off by the rudeness of so many girls, when some of us are just asking for FRIENDLY advice.  There's really no need to jump all over people.

Anyway, in response to your question, i think "exchange of vows" is beautiful and perfect.  All these woman that are tearing you up b/c you weren't satisfied with your courthouse marriage OBVIOUSLY have no clue what happens in the military world so pay no attention.  When your loved one deploys, there are several reasons where it can be extremely important or imperative to be LEGALLY married.  Just b/c you get LEGALLY married for this reason doesn't mean you aren't entitled to the beautiful wedding you always envisioned.  Those of us that are understanding know what you mean and that you didn't mean anything offensive by it.  Some people just need to take a deep breath and remember the cute lil saying "if you don't have anything nice to say..."

temerityjane

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_pre-wedded-invite-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:569855e5-2a35-446e-b360-418e3e297343Post:c8e843d1-cacb-4d88-89b3-6dac52e5fc28">Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pre-wedded Invite issue :  Just b/c you get LEGALLY married for this reason doesn't mean you aren't <strong>entitled</strong> to the beautiful wedding you always envisioned. 
Posted by DLuchner[/QUOTE]

I highlighted the exact problem.

And there are plenty of military brides on this board who know exactly how things are in the military and still hold the same opinion.

Simply Fated

I'm not okay with military brides thinking their situation is speshul. You chose to live the military lifestyle when you agreed to marry into it. I'm sorry if it wasn't as you expected, but some of life's lessons are hard to learn.

temerityjane

We had all of our contracts written with some form of military clause in them. If Buddy should have been deployed pre-wedding (which now is extremely unlikely - I would say totally unlikely to happen at this point), we would get married in a nice little JOP, and our deposits would be refunded. Because our wedding wouldn't be taking place as planned. Because we'd already be married. That's as special as we went as a military couple, and that was more practicality than anything else.

I'm not going to lie - if that would have happened, it would have been a TOTAL bummer. But that's what I'm signing up for - a lot of potential for some total bummers.

DLuchner

Exactly, entitled!  If any woman no matter what the circumstances are, want to have the wedding of their dreams no one has any reason to rain on their parade.  Every couple deserves to have their special day to celebrate their love with all of their family and friends they way that THEY WANT.  If you don't think that's necessary, well that's your opinion, but why put down someone else's dream of being that "beautiful bride".  Obviously being "the bride" is important to the women on here or they wouldn't be a part of a whole community of them.  My whole point was, that there's no need for rudeness.