How to politely say......

antibride2013

Hello!  I read these message boards all the time, ladies please be easy on my for my opinions!    Anywho-  So FH and I have been engaged for about 6 months (yay!).  I have always been very vocal about my personal thoughts on weddings, (please note my personal thoughts for ME) which is that weddings are a huge waste of money, and I told FH i did not want a wedding.  He did want a small wedding though (ugh), so I thought about him and gave in and agreed to a small wedding.  I have been trying very very hard to be a good sport, and positive and everything.  Now, people are wanting to throw showers, and asking where we are registered, etc.  I have tried the nice approach and said the "thank you for the thought, but no" and that didn't work. I was married before for 16 years, he has never been married.  I do not want gifts.  I feel it is inproper because A. I already blew the "till death do us part" commitment, B. we have everything we need and then some, and C. I don't even want this wedding in the first place.  I really don't want to hurt peoples feelings, but how do I politely tell people,. "please no shower, we do not want presents.  Please just come spend the day with us, and that is all"?   Everything I have tried is not working.  Thank You!

TheShelley

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry, but your screen name made me giggle! 

Calypso1977

that's really all you can do.

if you dont want gifts and showers you dont have to have them.  i was a first time bride and i declined showers because we too had everything we needed.  we also did not register.

people will still rpobably give you gifts, but they really cant give you a shower if you arent present for it.  just graciously accept the gifts people send you or bring to your wedding and let it be.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-politely-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:579447cf-0d16-47f6-9180-c2518fd4f0b9Post:1422a280-49e3-44b0-8e94-f3a4c4209ed5">How to politely say......</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello!  I read these message boards all the time, ladies please be easy on my for my opinions!  :)  Anywho-  So FH and I have been engaged for about 6 months (yay!).  I have always been very vocal about my personal thoughts on weddings, (please note my personal thoughts for ME) which is that weddings are a huge waste of money, and I told FH i did not want a wedding.  He did want a small wedding though (ugh), so I thought about him and gave in and agreed to a small wedding.  I have been trying very very hard to be a good sport, and positive and everything.  Now, people are wanting to throw showers, and asking where we are registered, etc.  I have tried the nice approach and said the "thank you for the thought, but no" and that didn't work. I was married before for 16 years, he has never been married.  I do not want gifts.  I feel it is inproper because A. I already blew the "till death do us part" commitment, B. we have everything we need and then some, and C. I don't even want this wedding in the first place.  I really don't want to hurt peoples feelings, but how do I politely tell people,. "please no shower, we do not want presents.  Please just come spend the day with us, and that is all"?   Everything I have tried is not working.  Thank You!
Posted by antibride2013[/QUOTE]

If it is the same people asking to host a shower for you, try this the next time they ask :"You already know my thoughts on this.  I do not want a shower or any other pre-wedding parties.  This is not up for discussion, so please stop asking.  My answer will always be the same, no.  I do appreciate you willing to do this, it's just not something I want."

If its a person who hasn't asked before about a registry, you can try this: "FI & I do not need anything, so we have not registered.    All we want for our wedding day is to be surrounded by our loved ones."  Don't actually say that you don't want gifts, because it is rude to assume someone will give you a gift, even if they are asking about a registry!

Also, you say you are having a small wedding?  How small is small?  Because generally speaking, you cannot invite anyone to a pre-wedding party without inviting them to the wedding also.  So you can always try this line too:  "We are having such a small wedding, I feel it's not appropriate to have an event related to the wedding, where in the end, the guests won't be invited to the actual wedding."

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-politely-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:579447cf-0d16-47f6-9180-c2518fd4f0b9Post:92e709d5-44b9-40ad-986a-4fab6d9f0f52">Re: How to politely say......</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't have any advice, I'm sorry, but your screen name made me giggle!  :)
Posted by TheShelley[/QUOTE]

Thanks TheShelly, however I cannot take credit for this name.  Whenever we go to appointments for the wedding, the person always says "ah you must be the bride".  FH said right off the bat "No, she is the antibride".  LOL

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-politely-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:579447cf-0d16-47f6-9180-c2518fd4f0b9Post:0be91321-360c-435d-8d07-53938f3292d0">Re: How to politely say......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to politely say...... : Thanks TheShelly, however I cannot take credit for this name.  Whenever we go to appointments for the wedding, the person always says "ah you must be the bride".  <strong>FH said right off the bat "No, she is the antibride".</strong>  LOL
Posted by antibride2013[/QUOTE]

<div>Love it. </div><div>
</div><div>Just keep repeating yourself that you don't want parties. People are bound to want to give you gifts. Just don't register and you'll (hopefully) get cash instead. I know you don't want cash, either, but still. Cash is always useful!</div>

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-politely-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:579447cf-0d16-47f6-9180-c2518fd4f0b9Post:d8e665d3-db15-46e4-819b-087a51e33347">Re: How to politely say......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to politely say...... : If it is the same people asking to host a shower for you, try this the next time they ask :"You already know my thoughts on this.  I do not want a shower or any other pre-wedding parties.  This is not up for discussion, so please stop asking.  My answer will always be the same, no.  I do appreciate you willing to do this, it's just not something I want." If its a person who hasn't asked before about a registry, you can try this: "FI & I do not need anything, so we have not registered.    All we want for our wedding day is to be surrounded by our loved ones."  Don't actually say that you don't want gifts, because it is rude to assume someone will give you a gift, even if they are asking about a registry! Also, you say you are having a small wedding?  How small is small?  Because generally speaking, you cannot invite anyone to a pre-wedding party without inviting them to the wedding also.  So you can always try this line too:  "We are having such a small wedding, I feel it's not appropriate to have an event related to the wedding, where in the end, the guests won't be invited to the actual wedding."
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

This is great advice.  Thank You!  Our small wedding has ballooned to about 50 people now.  Both FH and I work with Leukemia and Lymphoma patients, and he can't keep his mouth shut about the wedding, so patients are the ones asking where we are registered.  I am writing those lines down to use now.  Thank You so much!

Jenni8412

Off on a tangent here... But I'm assuming that the patients really want to give y'all something to smile about because of what you're doing for them. Maybe you could come up with something creative like asking for cards and notes that you can scrapbook into an album?

Nellygal

just straight out say it. That's what i did. I told everyone i don't want a bridal shower b/c we have everything we need and if i need something i'll buy it! You can also put it on the invite like no gifts please etc.

Jenni8412

In Response to Re:How to politely say......:[QUOTE]just straight out say it. That's what i did. I told everyone i don't want a bridal showernbsp;b/c we have everything we need and if i need something i'll buy it!nbsp;You can also put it on the invite like no gifts please etc. Posted by Nellygal[/QUOTE]
NO, no, no, no, NO!
Please don't mention gifts on the invitation, at all it's a rude assumption.

noahark1

How does your FH feel?  It sounds like maybe he wants the experiences that often go with a wedding and if that's the case, I'd put on my happy face and go with the flow.

I also (1) blew the "till death do us part"; (2) have what we need and (3) didn't want this wedding stuff either.  But my fiance hasn't as this is her first marriage, so here I go again because I know it is something she wants and that's what matters to me.  I'm not going to take that experience away from her because of my "mistakes"

"I feel it is improper" - no need to because it's not improper 

Now if FH doesn't give a fiddle, then politely decline as you wish

Jen4948

You're never required to register, and if you don't, all you have to do is say to anyone who asks, "We've decided not to register."  Make sure your FI agrees with the decision not to register.

reppunzel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-politely-say?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:579447cf-0d16-47f6-9180-c2518fd4f0b9Post:288ec2e8-49f4-4e90-be5d-d4bbe6843d54">Re:How to politely say......</a>:
[QUOTE]Off on a tangent here... But I'm assuming that the patients really want to give y'all something to smile about because of what you're doing for them. <strong>Maybe you could come up with something creative like asking for cards and notes that you can scrapbook into an album?</strong>
Posted by Jenni8412[/QUOTE]

That's a great idea.  Also, if the would-be-shower-givers are wanting to get people together to celebrate your new happiness, suggest a luncheon, dessert date or girl's night out.  That way you can have the time together without gifts being part of the equation.

hoffse

One poster a couple weeks ago suggested having a pounding for an OP who didn't want a shower but felt like her family wanted her to have one - if you don't know, that's when guests bring a pound of a nonperishable to stock your pantry.  I've been to one, and it was a lot of fun.  Guests also brought recipes that used the ingredient they brought.  The bride did get a few small kitchen items - measuring spoons, whisks, etc - but it was nothing large, and those sorts of things are nice to upgrade/replace once in awhile.

AJuliaNJ

Some people are going to want to give a gift no matter what you say. I might be going out on a limb here, but what if you say that you really have all you need, and if they push further, explain how important [insert Leukemia/Lymphoma charity name] is to you, and you'd be honored to have them donate in your name?