So what do I say to her next time?

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:c5b103e5-a6b0-4269-bfaa-6a89b2d95d41">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : Those were my thoughts to after my ex got arrested.... I saw where you said that this is her thrid engagement...it sounds like she might just be so desperate for an engagement to actually work out that she is just going to hang in there no matter what. Does her family approve of the guy?...I'm guessing not ya never know!
Posted by ECI1151[/QUOTE]

I have no clue.  What's worse is her mom died almost 2 years ago from cancer and her dad is old and fading fast.  She has many older sisters (she's the baby of 5 kids by many years) that she does not get along with. 

I'm thinking her dependence is due to her family issues.  But she doesn't really have a family to 'approve' of this guy.

fhorns147

It depends.  If you think your friend is actually in danger, you should try to get her into counseling.  You can say something like "I think it would help you to resolve your conflicts in a healthy way."

If she's not in danger, there's unfortunately nothing you can really do.  If she asks you what you think, you can be honest, but if she doesn't ask it's unlikely she really wants to know what you think.  You telling her isn't going to make her break up with the guy and it will make her bitter toward you.  You'll just have to wait for it to run its coarse and be there for her when the relationship crashes and burns.

mkrupar

You know, the dog thread died, and I didn't get a chance to put my two cents in, so I'm going to do it now.

OP - We adopted a dog in July (our 4th) and we knew, even before leaving the shelter that he had separation anxiety (which sounds like what you dog is suffering from). We had a lot of issues with him at first. He did the same thing your dog did, tried to break out of the crate so much he would have panic attacks and he got an infection on his face. We really want him to be crate trained, but it wasn't going to happen. One night he cried about being in the crate so bad, I slept on the floor to get him to calm down. After that night we decided to see what he would do if we let him sleep on a dog bed at the foot of our bed. He's been sleeping there ever since. He lays down and doesn't make a peep.

We also tried leaving him out in the house (with the other three crated) while we were at work. He chewed things (my couch and chair most importantly) even when we left him bones and toys and treats to occupy him. We seriously considered taking him back to the shelter we got him from, but I realized to late it's not a no kill shelter and I refused to do that (this would have been his 3rd time being adopted). I actually cried when we first discussed that as an option and we'd only had him 4 WEEKS, I couldn't imagine having him for 8 YEARS.

When we took him to the vet for his infection on his snout the prescribed anit-anxiety medicine that comes with a training program. You have to follow the training program with the medicine though. You can't just give him the drugs. We work with him all the time on his behavior.

Even though we trust him now leaving him inside when we're gone for short periods, he's actually outside now when we're not home and we bring him in when we are and he sleeps in the house. He has a house outside, plenty of shade/sun when he needs it, and water, toys, sticks, and he even gets to say hi to the neighbor when she's out. (she loves him!). He is sooo much happier being out there.

I guess my point of this whole long post is we made the committment to own this dog and we have. Has he ruined my couch? yes, Has he ruined a wii remote? yes Has he ruined many other things? yes. But these things are all material and replaceable, the dog is not.

ETA: I didn't answer the actual question in this thread, becasue I have no advice that hasn't already been given.

Manwaithiel

*sigh*

OP, do you realize that most abusive spouses/parents start with abusing animals? You do realize that, right? Why are you going to go on about your friend and her blindness in a stupid relationship (a very stupid relationship) when you're exhibiting the exact signs of a future abuser? How is anyone supposed to take you seriously?

I've experienced relationship abuse and its side effects. I have a lot of sympathy and concern for your friend.

I have absolutely no patience for you, though. You show, through what we can see of you through the WWW, all the signs of a future abusive person, yet you talk about wanting kids and trying to help someone who's getting beat up in their own relationship.

I don't get you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:60ddf9ba-e7e4-4cb3-8205-f08606bfcf30">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : I think kids and restaurants are a fine combination if you make your kids (as Ms. Tay so eloquently put it) ackrite. My mom and dad were adamant that my brother and I learn to behave ourselves in restaurants because going to nice dinners for special occasions, to celebrate something, or just to go was a huge part of their lives and they weren't going to give it up for us. So they raised us to use table manners at home and especially when we were in restaurants. Believe it or not, you can take an 8 year old to a five start place if you raise em right.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. I wasn't allowed to get up from the table and run around during dinner at home, so I didn't do it at restaurants either.

I would also encourage people to not go to places like Dennys at 6pm if they would like to avoid ill-behaved children.

Marth85

Sounds like a girl I used to be friends with. She had a possessive boyfriend and left him and got involved with another guy. They broke up for a few weeks and then after 1 week of being back with the ex I got a text message saying she was engaged! She said "we're so in love, everything is so beyond perfect this time." all of that. And then they broke up again and for good. I think she still strings him along though in some way. I got tired of hearing it because her life revolves around this guy that is no good. Now she's engaged to the guy she broke up with right before getting engaged to the other guy.

She moved away and I didn't hear from her for like 5 months, and she contacted me. I let the friendship go.

Maybe you should consider doing the same because boy does it feel good to get rid of that weight. I didn't realize it even was until now!

I felt like it was my duty as a friend to stick by her, but after her making bad decision after bad decision I had to let it go. I can't help someone who can't help themself.

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:3165cc46-dbb9-42c2-a7d5-0b9d9158bfac">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : I completely agree. I wasn't allowed to get up from the table and run around during dinner at home, so I didn't do it at restaurants either. I would also encourage people to not go to places like Dennys at 6pm if they would like to avoid ill-behaved children.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

My father actually got up and left a restaurant before we ordered because the kids from the table next to us kept coming to our table to "share" their bread with us.

Yeah, it was 'cute' and they felt the need to share - but it was every 5 minutes - and their parent's were busy laughing and talking with friends to notice.   Every time we were like "oh...thank you...ok...go back to your table now..."  I felt like their babysitter! 

Maybe I get the intolerance to rowdy kids in restaurants from my dad.  And I do avoid places like Red Robin and all when I'm looking for a quiet night out.  Yes, Denny's is a huge no go.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:50d10861-52ae-4ac6-9924-2ae904cd7b5c">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : My father actually got up and left a restaurant before we ordered because the kids from the table next to us kept coming to our table to "share" their bread with us. Yeah, it was 'cute' and they felt the need to share - but it was every 5 minutes - and their parent's were busy laughing and talking with friends to notice.   Every time we were like "oh...thank you...ok...go back to your table now..."  I felt like their babysitter!  Maybe I get the intolerance to rowdy kids in restaurants from my dad.  And I do avoid places like Red Robin and all when I'm looking for a quiet night out.  Yes, Denny's is a huge no go.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

And you want children? I can understand getting irritated, I would get irritated, but then again I don't want children any time in the near future. If you're biological clock is ticking so loudly, I suggest you get a hold of some patience first.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:35766fdf-4661-4556-8dfe-c53c1ff1b3a4">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : He may be abusive and she may need help. But, you can't help her as you have tons of issues of your own.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>OP I think getting a clue would be the first step.. then you can worry about other people.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:2710c9c7-9b7f-4614-8794-74c8397457dc">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]It depends.  If you think your friend is actually in danger, you should try to get her into counseling.  You can say something like "I think it would help you to resolve your conflicts in a healthy way." If she's not in danger, there's unfortunately nothing you can really do.  If she asks you what you think, you can be honest, but if she doesn't ask it's unlikely she really wants to know what you think.  You telling her isn't going to make her break up with the guy and it will make her bitter toward you.  <strong>You'll just have to wait for it to run its coarse and be there for her when the relationship crashes and burns.</strong>
Posted by fhorns147[/QUOTE]

Yep, but I'm hoping it doesn't come down to this.

She does ask, though.  She vents to me and when I tell her these things are not OK she agrees.  But then they "work it out".  I don't know what is worked out because then it happens again the next week.

I don't think she would be bitter toward me - she knows I'm uneasy about her relationship with her FI.

Manwaithiel

M&R = plank in eye
M&R's friend = speck in eye

You have your own problems to work on with your own relationship. Maybe if you spent more time working on yours and less time worrying about your friends (who isn't going to get any better until she decides she wants to change things for real) you'd be in a better position and people wouldn't be so ready to dismiss what you have to say.

I think you're using this story as a way to recover your image. It's not working.

M&R7111

*sigh*

 No - I'm not concerned about any "image" I have on here.  Apparently you all do. 

I had a legit question while talking with my friend online and thought I would post a question.

It was everyone else who decided to try to derail the convo back to me hating my FI's dog.  I'm assuming anything I post will come back to the dog convo at some point - but it's really you all who keep the thing going. 

I mean, if you really have such ill will towards me, why even click on my posts and comment?  You don't have to - just ignore me if you hate me that much.  Really - how much time have you wasted trying to "get at me" in this post?    Are you all really going to follow me around for the rest of my time on here just to say bad things about me and twist my words?  Please.

You aren't going run me off TK, no GBCK for me - I will continue to post as I have been for almost a year now.  Any comments about the dog thing I am going to ignore and any attempts to skew my words I'm not going to try and defend.  Not worth my time.

At any rate, I'm not going to argue the point any more.

I got advice from those who have insight on this matter.  Thanks to those who helped - even though I'm a dog killer who also eats babies and loathes all of man kind.

Manwaithiel

Yes, because everyone said they hated you and that you ate babies and loathed the world.

That's totally what happened.

JenGin74

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:e0431c1e-26d4-4d31-810f-1a2e4f5445ee">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]*sigh*  No - I'm not concerned about any "image" I have on here.  Apparently you all do.  I had a legit question while talking with my friend online and thought I would post a question. It was everyone else who decided to try to derail the convo back to me hating my FI's dog.  I'm assuming anything I post will come back to the dog convo at some point - but it's really you all who keep the thing going.  I mean, if you really have such ill will towards me, why even click on my posts and comment?  You don't have to - just ignore me if you hate me that much.  Really - how much time have you wasted trying to "get at me" in this post?    Are you all really going to follow me around for the rest of my time on here just to say bad things about me and twist my words?  Please. You aren't going run me off TK, no GBCK for me - I will continue to post as I have been for almost a year now.  Any comments about the dog thing I am going to ignore and any attempts to skew my words I'm not going to try and defend.  Not worth my time. At any rate, I'm not going to argue the point any more. I got advice from those who have insight on this matter.  Thanks to those who helped - even though I'm a dog killer who also eats babies and loathes all of man kind.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]




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M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:c818aee1-49a4-4e58-a2e5-1c1a5e116af7">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, because everyone said they hated you and that you ate babies and loathed the world. That's totally what happened.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]


Good.  I'm glad we are on the same page. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:cdb855dd-0133-454e-b803-26217ac5a798">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : Good.  I'm glad we are on the same page.
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

Grow up.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:e0431c1e-26d4-4d31-810f-1a2e4f5445ee">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE] Are you all really going to follow me around for the rest of my time on here just to say bad things about me and twist my words? 
Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

You think too highly of yourself. No one cares that much about you.

srkropf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:46aba4ff-d81b-4687-8b6c-dd4537a74d7b">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your friend might be my sister. I tried... I really tried to talk to her and help her understand how terrible of an idea it was. But in the end I had to realize that it's her decision, and it's her mess to deal with. All I can do is be there for her when she needs me, and hope that she knows she can call me no matter what. I'd give you the same advice.
Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Totally agree, this is all you can do</div>

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:c4f212d0-a712-4a2f-9e05-75d21223de82">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So what do I say to her next time? : Totally agree, this is all you can do
Posted by srkropf[/QUOTE]

I know, and I knew it.  OK, then how about advice for me on how to not worry so damn much then?  Like, how do I handle the weekly freak-outs from her? 

I'm seeing her this Friday for drinks.  She's coming after work so I'm assuming the FI will not be with her.  Maybe I should just dive into an intervention-type thing.  Then again, maybe she won't want to have the issue brought up and we can just enjoy the night out?  Should I just butt out?  I have a feeling, though, that he will come up in the convo at some point.

Belle2Be

Pretty sure if she's one of the friends that refuses to come over, there's no way you can bring up her shitty FI without her bringing up your shittier FI.

And Zip is on the ball today.

kikibaby

I'm truly surprised you have any friends.

tidetravel

Late to this, but FTR, if you're not completely turned off by the dog post, she's also the camping post:

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mad-one-around-need-vent-somewhere

Drama.  Queen.  (who wouldn't recognize rational advice if you slapped her  upside the head with it)

OP - I suggest you stop using this forum to "vent."  It's not working for you.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:512a9b06-c053-45ee-a776-9f0678a8f288">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Late to this, but FTR, if you're not completely turned off by the dog post, she's also the camping post: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mad-one-around-need-vent-somewhere" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mad-one-around-need-vent-somewhere</a> Drama.  Queen.  (who wouldn't recognize rational advice if you slapped her  upside the head with it) OP - I suggest you stop using this forum to "vent."  It's not working for you.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow. just wow.</div>

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:512a9b06-c053-45ee-a776-9f0678a8f288">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Late to this, but FTR, if you're not completely turned off by the dog post, she's also the camping post: <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mad-one-around-need-vent-somewhere" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mad-one-around-need-vent-somewhere</a> Drama.  Queen.  (who wouldn't recognize rational advice if you slapped her  upside the head with it) OP - I suggest you stop using this forum to "vent."  It's not working for you.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I forgot about that little gem. Thanks for reminding us tide.

Beachy730

Haha Tide I was just about the remind everyone of the camping post and I read yours. 

You know, its very hard to have no respect for someone you've never met, but OP thats how I feel for you. 

Cynthia1207

Have you ever actually witnessed one of their alleged abusive fights?  This is based on your friend who is saying this and that so you don't really know what exactly is going on.

You think she's covering up for him...Very possible OR she also might be overdramatizing the whole thing to draw attention to herself.  She did say she was out of control.  There are many female abusers as well so it might not just be him that's the problem.  You need to look at both sides of the story.

Until you know for sure what's going on you can't really take any severe course of action.  Either way it's her decision what to do. 

Rosie109

Talk about your dog! People bond over animals all of the time.

Maybe invite her camping

mandysmear

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_say-her-next-time?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:582a1559-f638-4bdf-b333-12f74c5748f6Post:d9201fad-ccdb-4ad6-bc7d-46ef6535159e">Re: So what do I say to her next time?</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk about your dog! People bond over animals all of the time. Maybe invite her camping :)
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]

snort.