FMIL Guest List issue

cakeppel

My fiance's brother got married in August 2010 - Budget was not as much of an issue, as his wife's mother was no longer supporting anyone at home; that said, My fiance's Mom basically had free reign of the guest list since there was no true cap.

Budget it is more of an issue for my parents because they still have a teenager to support at home, so money is not unlimited.  My parents asked that there be no more than 200 guests total because they are paying 80% of the bill (Groom's parents have the bar bill only).  His mother currently has 3x the amount of friends I do on the list.  We have more friends we want to add, but cannot because she says she really can't cut her family friends and co-workers.  I understand they have known my fiance for almost 25 years, but I feel she is being disrespectful right now.  We are currently at 274, and she asked to add 2 more couples.  She also keeps pointing out that most friends cannot be cut because they were invited to his brother's wedding last summer - but why do we have to have the same type of wedding?
Am I wrong to think this is rude?  What can I do?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:589ddf83-e7b8-4944-9f20-7794201c9706Post:6ccb8d9a-8756-4161-ad1c-eac28ffe183a">FMIL Guest List issue</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's brother got married in August 2010 - Budget was not as much of an issue, as his wife's mother was no longer supporting anyone at home; that said, My fiance's Mom basically had free reign of the guest list since there was no true cap. Budget it is more of an issue for my parents because they still have a teenager to support at home, so money is not unlimited.  My parents asked that there be no more than 200 guests total because they are paying 80% of the bill (Groom's parents have the bar bill only).  His mother currently has 3x the amount of friends I do on the list.  We have more friends we want to add, but cannot because she says she really can't cut her family friends and co-workers.  I understand they have known my fiance for almost 25 years, but I feel she is being disrespectful right now.  We are currently at 274, and she asked to add 2 more couples.  She also keeps pointing out that most friends cannot be cut because they were invited to his brother's wedding last summer - but why do we have to have the same type of wedding? Am I wrong to think this is rude?  What can I do?
Posted by cakeppel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Give her a set amount that she is allowed to invite.  Many people split the list into thirds, giving one third to the brides's parents, 1/3 to groom's parents, and 1/3 for the couple.  Your FI can tell her that if she doesn't cut down her list to that amount, he will be making the cuts for her.  </div><div>
</div><div>She does not need to invite all of her coworkers and everyone invited to BIL's wedding, especially if it means you and your FI are cutting people that you really want there.

</div>

redheadfsu

Give every one a number (usually 1/3 for his parents, 1/3 for you two, & 1/3 for your parents). Have your FI explain to her that this is all that can be invited because of budget. End of story.

mica178

Have your FI explain to his mother that whereas his brother's wedding was huge, your wedding has a cap, and you cannot afford to invite the same number of people.  People understand that not every family can spend a ton on weddings, so some weddings will be smaller affairs.  Then have FI tell FMIL that she can invite X number of people, and that's that.

Marrin713

Did you give FMIL the 200 guest max that your parents agreed to host?  If you have and she keeps adding people, then she is being disrespectful.  I am a FMIL and granted I couldn't come up with more than 25 to save my life, but I would truly keep to whatever number it is that son's FI and family is going to allot to me.  Did FMIL know going into this that 200 was max?

kmmssg

Have FI repeat after me: "Mom, we have discussed before that the guest list is far too big.  We do not have the unlimited capacity and budget brother had for his wedding so things will be different for mine.  We appreciaite your help with the wedding, but the list has to be cut.  You can invite xx number of people.  I'll help you go over the list if you like. If you don't cut it, I will have to do it myself.  Cake and I are not going to cut our friends out to accomodate yours."

FI needs to reign her in right now!

b0710

I agree with spllitting the guest list in thirds. I think that's the fair way to do it.  I would also have FI explain to FMIL that you all are trying to plan the wedding that you can afford.  If she wants to invite that many people she may need to consider paying for them.

PsyDet 2155

Give her a set number of people she can invite.

Moneypenny424

Like PPs have said, divide the number in thirds and that is her number.  FI needs to talk to her about this.

cakeppel

Yes, she has been told about 4 times that parents do not want more than 200. :-/

Habs2Hart

If she refuses to budge and cut anyone, have Fl tell her that he will do it. 

cakeppel

Thank you for all of your help!  I basically needed to make sure that my thoughts were ok because I am getting so frustrated with all the excuses why people can't be cut and so forth!

GeauxTigers17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:589ddf83-e7b8-4944-9f20-7794201c9706Post:5dac6036-b84f-43bb-8712-03df020288c3">Re: FMIL Guest List issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes, she has been told about 4 times that parents do not want more than 200. :-/
Posted by cakeppel[/QUOTE]

<div>Yikes. She's definitely being disrespectful - I can't imagine hearing "200 max" and thinking "yeah I'm going to give her the list I want to give her anyway..."- she's got some guts! Good luck with everything.</div>

KelaRenee

I think the power some parents have over their children's wedding guest list is crazy.

I came up with my list, showed it to my mom and asked for her input.  She asked to add her aunt and uncle on her mom's side (I've already included all the relatives on her dad's side because I'm closer to them), a family friend, and three couples we've known for ages.  If it had been an issue with numbers, she would have dropped it.  FI isn't even giving his mom say over any of the guests on his side.  He's inviting all of the family members (pretty small extended family, unlike mine) and he doesn't feel close to any of his mom's friends from when he was growing up so there's no need for her to have any input. 

polichik

Also, if she offers to pay for her extra guests, I would still say no. Your parents are already paying for your guests, her guests, and their guests. For your FMIL to only contribute money towards inviting only HER guests is rude, unless she were to pay to increase each guest list by the name number. So, if she wants to add 10 people, she should also pay to add 10 people to your list and your parents' lists.

But really, I would just keep the guest list at 200. I would have your FI inform her that she has 66 guests to invite (if you generously choose to give her 1/3 of the guest list), and that if she cannot cut down her list, you and your FI will do it for her. End of story. Do NOT let her walk all over you and your parents, or she'll do it for a lifetime.

polichik

Also, one of our guidelies (which my FILs actually suggested) is that if DH and I had never met a couple on one of the parents' lists, they weren't invited. This is your wedding, not a family or college reunion.

GeauxTigers17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-guest-list-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:589ddf83-e7b8-4944-9f20-7794201c9706Post:3f499aef-8eb1-4530-b3ea-68a5e3cf40da">Re: FMIL Guest List issue</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, one of our guidelies (which my FILs actually suggested) is that if DH and I had never met a couple on one of the parents' lists, they weren't invited. This is your wedding, not a family or college reunion.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]

<div>FI and I used this rule as well, but my mother has been the issue, not his. She originally gave me a list of 375 people and when my response was "ummm what the hell" she responded "it's only 200 invitations!" The rule has worked, thank goodness.</div><div>
</div><div>Sidenote: Who the hell counts people in terms of invitations sent?! The fire marshal does not care how many invitations you sent, he cares how many bodies are in the building!</div>

lthom17

Why aren't your FI's parents paying too?  If they want to invite more guests, they should pay, not just for the bar bill.  However, if it is a space issue- like 200 is the capacity, then no amount of money will help with that!  Put your foot down!!

I don't even think you need to give FMIL 1/3 of the guest list.  Give them a reasonable amount--whatever you think that is.  It's your wedding and it's your parents who are mostly paying for it anyway!

kmmssg

When it comes to the guest list I'm not an advocate of splitting it in thirds from the beginning.  When DD got married she had to invite all of her aunts and uncles so her bio mom didn't have a cow.  Her mom is one of 6, her dad (DH) is one of 7, and her stepdad is one of 10.  It took 40 places on the guest list just to accomodate them and we were aiming for no more than 150.  Just DD's aunts and uncles would have taken her portion of the list.

The decided how far out they were going as far as family - aunts/uncles were all included, not every cousin was because there are so many in the extended family.  Her DH comes from a very small family - 4 aunts and uncles total.  They split up numbers after the "mandatories" were on the list.  They kept control of their guest list (her bio mom wanted to go nuts) and after the mandatories and the people they wanted to invite were on the list, they asked for input.  For the record....we didn't ask for anyone to be invited.  Not our wedding.

HockeyFan4

we did the guest list ourselves.....(including our families and friends)...we then asked both sets of our parents if we forgot anyone or if they wanted to add some friends.  My FMIL said it was all set as is....my parents asked me to include two great aunts and one couple they have been friends with forever ( i have spent a bunch of time with them too).. and that was it.  Then we added coworkers we wanted.

after reading some of these posts i am so glad i didn't have these issues. 

mari0225

I had this problem with my grandmother, we had 70 people on our list and now it's 180! Thankfully I told her, "We have to rent chairs for all these people and the venue is very small and intimate for the reception (it's a barn and with all the food and tables already it's tight). So now she and I are going to sit down this weekend and take out the pruning shears.

FI really needs to reign his mother in, that just rude after you've told her mulitple times what the limit was!

jemmini6

Wow...sorry your FMIL is being so rude.  I don't understand how parents don't understand limits.  Although it would be nice to have my parents pay for our wedding, it's things like this that make me glad I'm paying for my own.  LOL.  FI and I made our list together and I just told my mom whose addresses I needed from her.  She did request that I add one couple that are her friends/neighbors, which I did, but other than that, I didn't even tell her a number that she was allowed to invite.  No way in hell am I cutting MY friends for my parents.

FMIL did start listing off all these random family members to FI that needed to be invited, because they were invited to their kids weddings, etc (people FI hasn't seen in a good 10+ years), but FI straight up told her no and she's never mentioned anything since.

OP- I think kmmssg's wording is the best.  Have your FI be VERY straightforward with her and let her know that she needs to cut her list or you guys will, but one way or another, it WILL be cut.

throoper

I agree with PP -- give her a solid number and say that's it.  Your FI is not his brother and your wedding does not need to be similar in any way.

(And I think that 1/3 of the guest list going to each set of parents is WAY generous! Mine will be about 40% our friends, 50% our family, and maybe 10% family friends of the parents!)