Wedding Etiquette Forum

Re: .

  • twilight.rosetwilight.rose member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited September 2010
    To answer you simply, yes, that's wrong. She's allowed to use the additional days she is taking off for whatever she chooses. ETA: I don't understand why you and your other BMs need to accompany her. If she has things she wants to do during her time off, you are all grown women who can decline if she asks any of you to go with her and you would prefer not to.

    Your MOH, who offered her assistance, will undoubtedly be a big help to you. If your other BMs want to enjoy the scenery and attractions, that's their business. You can't force them into helping with wedding preparations, and you shouldn't try.
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  • Yes.  Get over it.  You sound selfish.  
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-treating-wedding-like-her-vacay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59ae2a26-b224-4274-a816-327514cbd26ePost:c5299784-73c7-4f96-9586-42c0e9e54394">BM treating MY wedding like HER vacay.</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a "destination" wedding. Meaning, we are getting married in the city where my parents live. It's a 2 hour flight or 11 hour drive from where we currently live. Because the weather and scenery is generally A LOT nicer there my bridesmaids are all really excited about making the trip for the wedding. My MOH will be travelling with me a week early to help with everything that will need to be done. I was pleasently surprised when my other two BM's announced they were taking a week off work to come a week early as well. I thought "Great! They will be there to help with all the details and work". However as the days went on it became clear that one of my BM's in particular is planning on treating those extra few days before the wedding as a vacation. All she seems to talk about is going on wine tours, days at the spa, and other "vacation-y" type things. She also had a mini freak out when she discovered that October is "off season" and a lot of the local attractions are shut down. I'm not sure to handle this! Not only will there not be a ton of time to be galavanting around, niether me OR my other BM's will be able to afford everything she has on the agenda. I tried to explain this to her gently but she doesn't seem to understand. I feel like the focus the week before the wedding should be on ME and everything that needs to be done for the wedding. Is that wrong?
    Posted by vaneelynn[/QUOTE]

    Is she paying for her travel & hotel? Is she taking days off? Then it is kind of her vacation too.

     I'm sure she will help a little. Just because she *will come* down earlier does not mean she has to spend every second with you/ helping with your wedding. Remember she gets her me time too.

    * edit

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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  • Why can't you do whatever needs to be done? What if she wasn't coming at all? Would it still get done?

    Shes travelling 11 hours to go to your wedding, which, I'm assuming is a one day event. Shes not your hired help.
  • You are wrong.  That entire week is not about you and in case you haven't heard, they only need to show up and wear a dress the day of.  You should be excited for them to get a vacation if you are a good friend and not expect them to drop what they're doing to help you out.  It's really not that hard to do all this stuff on your own anyways so no use in crying.  I know that's not what you want to hear, but you should just be happy for them and be grateful that they'll be there for support on your wedding day.

    Also, you might want to go ahead and delete this post because you're probably about to get 20 other posts saying the same thing.
  • Oh boy......

    1) I was pleasently surprised when my other two BM's announced they were taking a week off work to come a week early as well. I thought "Great! They will be there to help with all the details and work".
    This is wrong - first and foremost your bridesmaids are not your wedding planners.  Doing all the "work" is for you and your fiance.  if they volunteer to help, great, if they don't then you can't expect them to.


    2) Not only will there not be a ton of time to be galavanting around, niether me OR my other BM's will be able to afford everything she has on the agenda.
    You don't know their financial situations - FI and I take one week-long vacation each year.  You have no idea if that's what she's doing and if she's spending some saved up money on a trip

    3) I feel like the focus the week before the wedding should be on ME and everything that needs to be done for the wedding. Is that wrong?
    Yes you are wrong - You have one day.  You don't have the "focus" all week long.  Stop being so concerned with your friends' plans.  Afterall, if they weren't buying a plane ticket and showing up a week early, would you care one bit what they were doing at home?  No?  Exactly - its their time to do what they want.


  • My MOH flew over 1000 miles to be at my wedding and they were here for the entire week.  The only wedding related anything she did?  Went with me to pick up my dress.  The rest of the week, she was on vacation with me.  And that's the way I liked it.

    You get one day.  Not the entire week.  If you have help besides her, use it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-treating-wedding-like-her-vacay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59ae2a26-b224-4274-a816-327514cbd26ePost:11bd6fbc-1275-4deb-8416-097e75bbd5c6">Re: BM treating MY wedding like HER vacay.</a>:
    [QUOTE]You are wrong.  That entire week is not about you and in case you haven't heard, they only need to show up and wear a dress the day of.  You should be excited for them to get a vacation if you are a good friend and not expect them to drop what they're doing to help you out.  It's really not that hard to do all this stuff on your own anyways so no use in crying.  I know that's not what you want to hear, but you should just be happy for them and be grateful that they'll be there for support on your wedding day. Also, you might want to go ahead and delete this post because you're probably about to get 20 other posts saying the same thing.
    Posted by marissa_claire[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>It would be stupid to delete this, someone quoted her.</div>
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  • I had a DW.  Everyone came down 2-3 days before the wedding.  As they were playing in the pool, laying on the beach and, in general, enjoying themselves, I was running around finishing up details for MY wedding.  Selfish bridesmaids I had - taking time off of work, flying down because I decided to get married away, and the nerve to not help me when they got there....
    If I were your bridesmaid, I would excuse myself from the wedding party.  You're acting like an entitled brat.
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  • Yes you are in the wrong.  Your friend deserves a vacation - not to do your work.
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  • It is her vacation.  It's reasonable to tell her that YOU won't be able to participate in the extras she wants to do.  And your MOH and other BM(s) can tell her the same things for themselves, if that happens to be true.  You don't need to feel obligated to join her in those activities.  But you do need to be respectful and understand that she can spend her time doing what she wants. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Wow. Okay, now that you've all had your fun tearing me apart I thought I'd attempt to pick myself up off the living room floor and try to defend my honor.
    Once I re-read my post I realized that YES, it did sound awfully selfish. I've never been great at expressing myself, and I also should not have posted immediately after having a disagreement with the BM in question. I used it as a way to vent, which was stupid, but don't tell me none of you have ever let your heated woman emotions get the better of you.
    What I also failed to make clear is the fact that the BM was quite upset with ME when I tried explaining that I would not be able to partake in a lot of the things she had planned as I WILL have a lot to do that week, as well as the lack of funds to join her. She took this to mean that I don't care about her, don't want to spend time with her, ect...
    Whew.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-treating-wedding-like-her-vacay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59ae2a26-b224-4274-a816-327514cbd26ePost:32d1aaf4-e879-4cd5-9958-0274e65ddaa3">Re: BM treating MY wedding like HER vacay.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow. Okay, now that you've all had your fun tearing me apart I thought I'd attempt to pick myself up off the living room floor and try to defend my honor. Once I re-read my post I realized that YES, it did sound awfully selfish. I've never been great at expressing myself, and I also should not have posted immediately after having a disagreement with the BM in question. I used it as a way to vent, which was stupid, but don't tell me none of you have ever let your heated woman emotions get the better of you. What I also failed to make clear is the fact that the BM was quite upset with ME when I tried explaining that I would not be able to partake in a lot of the things she had planned as I WILL have a lot to do that week, as well as the lack of funds to join her. She took this to mean that I don't care about her, don't want to spend time with her, ect... Whew.
    Posted by vaneelynn[/QUOTE]


    Just tell her you will be busy. That you would LOVE to do X, but unfortunately you have family/ other obligations that will prevent it. I have a feeling that the fight occurred because you both over reacted.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • Just give her some time to breathe.  Then, if she's still upset, talk her through your to-do list for the week so she understands.  Personally, I'd probably look forward to taking a few hours to get away from the wedding prep one day to relax, so maybe find one thing you can do with her, and leave it at that. 

    I had a 2 hr massage the Tuesday night before our wedding, and it was spectacular.
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
    Mom to J: 2011
    Mom to H: 2014

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic



    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • Vanee - I'm glad that you got solid advice and were able to gain perspective.  I'm sorry you are going through some stressiness - I remember the 1 month mark was a very stressful time for me.

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  • It's wrong of HER to assume you will do these things WITH her. By no means are you obligated to do these things WITH her... BUT, she's traveling to be at YOUR wedding and if she wants to extend it into a vacation, why not? She's your bridesmaid, not your employee, she's not there to work. If you want someone to help out with the details and "work" hire a day of coordinator. 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bm-treating-wedding-like-her-vacay?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59ae2a26-b224-4274-a816-327514cbd26ePost:1cd4f09d-dc4f-4774-93f4-2fb7a51b4b57">Re:.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:. : I know! And the period was really hard to click on :(
    Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]
    I know - way to test my hand-eye coordination after a few glasses of wine...
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  • [QUOTE].
    Posted by vaneelynn[/QUOTE]
    Don't worry, someone else quoted it already.
  • I'm brand new to this site...and not sure I'll be spending a ton of time on the boards. Seems like there is an excess of cattiness.

  • [QUOTE]I'm brand new to this site...and not sure I'll be spending a ton of time on the boards. Seems like there is an excess of cattiness.
    Posted by autumnbride25[/QUOTE]
    Eh. You'll find that anywhere. It's just that here there's not a lot of validation on whining and things that are in poor etiquette... which I think too often people equate with cattiness. I and others have said it elsewhere, and will say it again, people here are harsh up front so that your friends and loved ones aren't harsh behind your back because your idea is actually really impolite.
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