Wedding Etiquette Forum

Venting (sort of long)

Hey all!  I am mainly a lurker but I felt it necessary to vent just a little.  You should know that I am a pretty laid back bride.  I kind of just go with the flow with everything.  My goal is for everyone to have a great time including me and my FI.

Anywho, the one stress of the whole dang thing is my FMIL.  I have been with my FI for almost 9 years so I know her and her family.  I always figured she would be easy going when it came time to plan our wedding.  Not so much.  I asked her for her "must invite" list.  She sends me a list of 60 people (uh we were only going to invite 100...total)...half I don't know and my FI hasn't seen most since he was like five.  So, with her help, we chopped the list in half.  Solved that issue.

Next, hair and makeup.  For her daughters wedding she got her hair and makeup done and she wants to get it done for mine.  Fine.  Makes sense.  I am cool with that.  That is until she asks where I am getting mine done, calls the salon, and books appointments for her and her daughter (who is not in the wedding so not sure why she needs it done but whatever).  This would be all well and good except she took my appointment times that I needed (I was still working things out with the salon at the time).  Not sure why she had to go with the salon I was going with when we weren't all going to go together.  She could have just used the same person that she used for her daughters wedding. 

To fix this problem I decided to have the hair and makeup person come to my house and we would all have our hair/makeup done there (worked out better time wise).  Then my FMIL asked if she could get a trial done.  Ummm, no.  I have been to and been in several weddings and I have never gotten a trial done.  Isn't that just for the bride?  I told her since we are having them come to the house only the bride can get a trial (which is true cause that is what they told me).  She wasn't super pleased but whatever.  Now she wants fake eyelashes, etc and wants to know if the make up artist supplies these or if she needs to bring her own.  I am like really lady, fake eyelashes, I am not even getting fake eyelashes!

Then I hear through the grapevine that she is going to wear a red dress.  This would be semi-ok with me if it at all went with the color scheme (purple and greens) but it doesn't...at all!  My florist told me that my FMIL would stick out like a sore thumb in a red dress and every picture she is in all eyes would be drawn to her.  I am not someone who likes attention but I feel like in my wedding pictures my FI and I should be in the spotlight, not his mother in a red dress.  I figured since I told her my color scheme she would have tried to not coordinate but at least go with it.

Finally, I receive an email this morning that so and so can't make it to the wedding so can we replace them with this person and a guest.  No we can't.  All invites have been addressed and we have hit our limit on people.  We would still need to invite the first couple because they were told they were invited and then we would have to invite this new couple.  What happens if the first couples plans change and they can come?  So needless to say I am letting FI break the news that this will not happen.  Just because people can't come doesn't mean you fill in the spot with other people (hello, B-list anyone)

I know these are all stupid little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme but little annoyances can add up!

Thanks for letting me vent...I feel much better now!

Re: Venting (sort of long)

  • Stop telling FMIL your plans.  When she asks about the makeup and hair, redirect to the stylist. 

    You do not get to tell her how to dress or what her makeup, etc should look like so just get over it and move on.
  • Your FMIL can wear what she wants.  She doesn't have to coordinate with the wedding colors whatsoever.

    If she wants a trial, she can go through the stylist herself and try to arrange one.

    So she wants fake eyelashes?  What's the big deal?  I'd give her the contact info for the MUA and let her find out for herself if you don't want to be bothered, but I don't see why you can't email her and ask.


    image
  • You can't control what she wears

    Besides that i feel for you.  She sounds like she has a desperate want of attention.  If the relationship is important to you maybe invite her to do more NWR stuff and she might be less intense about the wedding.  or maybe not.  but it might be the kind thing to do.
    image
  • edited April 2011
    The dress thing is on you - it's not up to you to be worried about what she's wearing, and she's not going to ruin your pictures. Realistically, the pictures you're most likely to keep and hang up in your home are ones of you and FH, or your wedding party. You're probably not going to be papering your house with pictures of your MIL. So who cares how she looks in pictures? She can wear a flowerpot on her head if she wants.

    The hair/makeup thing is... weird. Probably best for her to talk to the stylist, as Snippy suggested.

    In general, it might be good to start using your FI as a buffer for interactions with FMIL, and pass her off to him when she starts to get on your nerves. I have a great relationship with FMIL, but she can occasionally be overzealous, and we've got a pretty workable good cop/bad cop thing going where Charlie takes over and tells her if we don't like one of her ideas. Then I get to be good always. :)
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • I get all of this is annoying, but really what can you do?

    Most MIL are only in a few pictures, of which you might not even be in anyway. I would not get all bent out of shape over a few shots of her in a red dress and fake eyelashes.

    As far as the switching guests, just leave that up to your FI






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Oh, thought I'd add - I went looking for pictures of my FMIL's dress from FSIL's wedding to show my stepmom the style she'd chosen, and I found like 2 where I could really see the dress well enough to be worth showing it to her.
    image
  • We only have one picture of MIL from the wedding hanging up and that is just her and my DH.

    I think my sister only had a picture of her MIL with her husband and one picture of his whole family (including my sister).  Really, it's not as big of a deal as you might think it is.  








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:f9251e4c-7e30-40fa-aa2c-48838cc21d89">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You can't control what she wears Besides that i feel for you.  <strong>She sounds like she has a desperate want of attention</strong>.  If the relationship is important to you maybe invite her to do more NWR stuff and she might be less intense about the wedding.  or maybe not.  but it might be the kind thing to do.
    Posted by slwager[/QUOTE]

    This is how I feel about the whole thing. 

    The funny thing is we see her a lot.  We have a good relationship but she totally came from left field with a lot of things.  I know I can't control what she wears but I just wish that it wouldn't be red LOL!  But if she does wear the red dress I am not going to care cause I will have other things on my mind that day.  I do, however, think that if she wore a flower pot on her head I would cry with laughter!!!

    The hair/makeup thing really caught me off guard.  I didn't care that she got it done but it was the whole needing a trial thing that was crazy.  I just never heard that before.  Also, my Mom is so easy (no hair or makeup for her) that I figured she would be the same way but I guess I was wrong.

    At first I would just talk with her because it was easier then getting my FI to do it.  He tends to forget things a lot so I would have to keep reminding him.  But as the date gets closer I just pass everything to him.  It's his Mom, he can deal with it.

  • I think you are overreacting about the hair/make-up stuff with your FMIL.  If she wants to do a trial, let her.  Have her arrange it and pay for it herself.  If she wants to wear fake eyelashes and a red dress, it is none of your business.  As you said, she's not in the wedding party, so you don't get to tell her what she can wear and not wear.  Why do you care if she wears fake eyelashes or gets a trial?  This will not take attention off of you, so just don't worry about her and let her do what she wants.  Just don't get involved.

    Regarding the invite, yes, she shouldn't add someone at the last minute.  Have your FI talk to her about that.  Other than that, just try to not let her bother you. 


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:f876a709-7030-4548-bbb8-8aeb1836a103">Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey all!  I am mainly a lurker but I felt it necessary to vent just a little.  <strong>You should know that I am a pretty laid back bride.</strong>  I kind of just go with the flow with everything.  My goal is for everyone to have a great time including me and my FI. Anywho, the one stress of the whole dang thing is my FMIL.  I have been with my FI for almost 9 years so I know her and her family.  I always figured she would be easy going when it came time to plan our wedding.  Not so much.  I asked her for her "must invite" list.  She sends me a list of 60 people (uh we were only going to invite 100...total)...half I don't know and my FI hasn't seen most since he was like five.  So, with her help, we chopped the list in half.  Solved that issue. Next, hair and makeup.  For her daughters wedding she got her hair and makeup done and she wants to get it done for mine.  Fine.  Makes sense.  I am cool with that.  That is until she asks where I am getting mine done, calls the salon, and books appointments for her and her daughter (who is not in the wedding so not sure why she needs it done but whatever).  This would be all well and good except she took my appointment times that I needed (I was still working things out with the salon at the time).  Not sure why she had to go with the salon I was going with when we weren't all going to go together.  She could have just used the same person that she used for her daughters wedding.  To fix this problem I decided to have the hair and makeup person come to my house and we would all have our hair/makeup done there (worked out better time wise).  Then my FMIL asked if she could get a trial done.  Ummm, no.  I have been to and been in several weddings and I have never gotten a trial done.  Isn't that just for the bride?  I told her since we are having them come to the house only the bride can get a trial (which is true cause that is what they told me).  She wasn't super pleased but whatever.  Now she wants fake eyelashes, etc and wants to know if the make up artist supplies these or if she needs to bring her own.  I am like really lady, fake eyelashes, I am not even getting fake eyelashes! Then I hear through the grapevine that she is going to wear a red dress.  This would be semi-ok with me if it at all went with the color scheme (purple and greens) but it doesn't...at all!  My florist told me that my FMIL would stick out like a sore thumb in a red dress and every picture she is in all eyes would be drawn to her.  I am not someone who likes attention but I feel like in my wedding pictures my FI and I should be in the spotlight, not his mother in a red dress.  I figured since I told her my color scheme she would have tried to not coordinate but at least go with it. Finally, I receive an email this morning that so and so can't make it to the wedding so can we replace them with this person and a guest.  No we can't.  All invites have been addressed and we have hit our limit on people.  We would still need to invite the first couple because they were told they were invited and then we would have to invite this new couple.  What happens if the first couples plans change and they can come?  So needless to say I am letting FI break the news that this will not happen.  Just because people can't come doesn't mean you fill in the spot with other people (hello, B-list anyone) I know these are all stupid little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme but little annoyances can add up! Thanks for letting me vent...I feel much better now!
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]


    The rest of this vent does not coincide with the bolded statement. If you were truly a laid back bride you wouldn't care about these things (minus her taking your appointment times and the replacing the declines, those are kind of crappy). The rest is a big rant about how you're worried your FMIL will take away attention from you on your wedding day.

    Good luck!
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:49c895b4-a1ea-4fd8-986e-b5363db13faa">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Venting (sort of long) : The rest of this vent does not coincide with the bolded statement. If you were truly a laid back bride you wouldn't care about these things (minus her taking your appointment times and the replacing the declines, those are kind of crappy). The rest is a big rant about how you're worried your FMIL will take away attention from you on your wedding day. Good luck!
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    I think this is a little unfair, especially given OP's totally sane response to what everybody said. I consider myself a pretty laid back bride too, but sometimes when FMIL starts going on about her "vision" for the candy table, I get to feeling a little wacky.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • <p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:49c895b4-a1ea-4fd8-986e-b5363db13faa">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Venting (sort of long) : The rest of this vent does not coincide with the bolded statement. If you were truly a laid back bride you wouldn't care about these things (minus her taking your appointment times and the replacing the declines, those are kind of crappy). The rest is a big rant about how you're worried your FMIL will take away attention from you on your wedding day. Good luck!
    Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

    Yeah...no.  I am not worried about her taking away my attention.  In fact, I hate attention so I am having some anxiety about the wedding day (and so is my FI).  I guess when I started my vent I was more shocked at her response to some things.  I just never heard of a FMIL needing a trial done (she only wants a trial because she has never used this stylist before but it was her decision to use my stylist even though she didn't have to and I didn't ask her to...she could have just gone with her own trusted stylist)...and her still wanting one even though the stylist told me that they can't do it for her.  Another would be her wanting me to ask about the fake eyelashes...not really something I need to add to my to do list.

     In some ways I do feel like she is more concerned about what she looks like than any other part of the wedding...fine whatever, but don't add stupid things to my to-do list that she can certainly deal with herself...making sure she looks good is not my job that day.  Harsh I know, but that is reality.</p>

  • I'm now imagining a to-do list that includes "Inquire about fake eyelashes for FMIL" and giggling.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:f82723ea-e5c7-41cb-b013-551dd1adf398">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm now imagining a to-do list that includes "Inquire about fake eyelashes for FMIL" and giggling.
    Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

    Hahaha...I may just add that to provide myself with a little laugh now and then!

  • Seriously guys, give her a break. She's venting. Not freaking out, not asking advice on how to 'control' MIL. She's (MIL) being super obnoxious. I know I had more important things to worry about than what MIL was going to wear/make up/ EYELASHES??/ what have you. This one is totally sane.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:85479325-332c-4640-a51c-4176e715b389">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] In some ways I do feel like she is more concerned about what she looks like than any other part of the wedding...fine whatever, but don't add stupid things to my to-do list that she can certainly deal with herself...making sure she looks good is not my job that day.  Harsh I know, but that is reality.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    I don't think this is harsh. I get this very distinct impression from my FMIL, and I thin k all women do get concerned about their appearance for important occasions. 
     My FMIL is hosting the RD and paying for flowers.  She nit picks these things and her appearance, what she is going to wear and what not with me.  She is just concerned about the parts of the wedding.

    Ditto alot of pps. Ignore her dress. If she brings up any hair or make up topics give her the stylists info so she can handle it herself.

    As far as replacing people on the guest list like B-listing without  B-listing.  Don't let her.  Discusison closed. "I'm sorry, the guest list is final. Sorry." :)

    Definitely let your FI run more intereference with her as well.
  • I feel for you OP!  I am going through the same thing with my FMIL.  FI and I have been dating for 6 years so I also know my FI's family really well and FMIL and I have always had a great relationship.  Then the wedding planning came along and it was a totally different story.  I also consider myself to be pretty laid back but some of the things she's been doing have just irked me and I can't really explain why.  My issues aren't exactly like yours but along the same caliber.  Not really dealbreakers but annoying enough to bother you.  And it seems like when you mention it to other people they act like you are overreacting.

    In terms of your FMIL's outfit, I would have your FI try to talk to her about it.  While I do agree with some of the PPs about how it's her right to wear whatever she wants, maybe he can kindly suggest that she wear something of a coordinating color?  He can maybe frame it like, "So Maggie's mom is thinking about wearing this to the wedding so she coordinates in our photos... We think you would look great in xyz color - have you considered it?"

    And regarding replacing guests on the list, just flat out tell her that the invitations have been sent and you have invited those you can accomodate.  Even if someone says they can't come and they RSVP no, they may change their minds and end up showing up.  Not necessarily the best etiquette but it does happen - plans change.

    And maybe it would be good for her to at least be present at your makeup trial run.  Maybe you can prep the makeup artist and ask her to advise your FMIL to NOT wear the fake eyelashes!

    Good luck with everything!  I just keep reminding myself that it will all be over soon and FMIL and I will go back to "normal".
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_venting-sort-of-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:59dd4189-0131-423b-a94c-f6752ecd4480Post:4005ffd5-495c-4c53-a635-92ff5b7492f0">Re: Venting (sort of long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel for you OP!  I am going through the same thing with my FMIL.  FI and I have been dating for 6 years so I also know my FI's family really well and FMIL and I have always had a great relationship.  Then the wedding planning came along and it was a totally different story.  I also consider myself to be pretty laid back but <strong>some of the things she's been doing have just irked me and I can't really explain why</strong>.  My issues aren't exactly like yours but along the same caliber.  <strong>Not really dealbreakers but annoying enough to bother you.  And it seems like when you mention it to other people they act like you are overreacting</strong>. In terms of your FMIL's outfit, I would have your FI try to talk to her about it.  While I do agree with some of the PPs about how it's her right to wear whatever she wants, maybe he can kindly suggest that she wear something of a coordinating color?  He can maybe frame it like, "So Maggie's mom is thinking about wearing this to the wedding so she coordinates in our photos... We think you would look great in xyz color - have you considered it?" And regarding replacing guests on the list, just flat out tell her that the invitations have been sent and you have invited those you can accomodate.  Even if someone says they can't come and they RSVP no, they may change their minds and end up showing up.  Not necessarily the best etiquette but it does happen - plans change. And maybe it would be good for her to at least be present at your makeup trial run.  Maybe you can prep the makeup artist and ask her to advise your FMIL to NOT wear the fake eyelashes! Good luck with everything!  I just keep reminding myself that it will all be over soon and FMIL and I will go back to "normal".
    Posted by emmmbeee[/QUOTE]

    OMG this exactly!  The questions she asks are just weird and out of left field.  She never asks about the food or music or flowers but she asks about whether or not fake eyelashes are supplied...it makes me tilt my head to the side and say "huh?"

  • Your FMIL sounds like a trip but honestly you need to relax about what she's wearing and how shes going to look. I agree with Snippy that you definately need to stop letting her in on your plans. It's really none of her business and if she has no financial stake in the wedding then she has no right to say anything about guest lists and what not. When it comes to the planning let your fiance know you want to keep the important details between the two of you and leave her out of it.
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  • Oh girl I feel for you!!!! I have a FMIL that has caused me many of the same annoyances. Some days I just wnat to look at her and be like this is your SONS day not yours! Currently she is refusing to sit next to her husband at the reception!!!! and yes they are still married and not in any type of seperation. So I say vent all you want, because venting here is far better than exploding on someone for something stupid later!!!! It will all turn out great in the end and all that matters is you and him... venting is how I get over issues with my FMIL whether it is here or with my MOH! :)
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