2 ceremonies...tacky?

mvance87

My FI and I are getting married on a beach near where we live.  My father is the pastor of a church that is 2 hours from where we live.  His dream has always been to walk me down the isle of his church, but that's not what my FI and I want for our big day. 

In an effort to compromise, Dad asked if we would be willing to have a second ceremony at the church the following week for his congregation and then have a small cake and punch reception in the courtyard so that he can live his dream and include his church members in our marriage.

I personally don't care...if it makes him happy and my FI doesn't have a problem with it, I don't have a problem.  Mom, on the other hand, thinks it's tacky and that it looks like we're just milking it for more gifts.  What should I do?

sarabear23

Honestly, I find that really weird. You can't get married, and then get married again a week later. What is he supposed to say "You may now kiss the woman you married last week"? I think you should either get married at your dads church and include everyone, or get married somewhere else, and explain to your dad that it is your day, and you have decided you want something other than what he wants.

Good luck.

eav2c

I'm not a fan of the two ceremony thing... It just seems, well, silly. If it's not your dream to have your dad walk you down the aisle at his church, then don't do it. Obviously, this hurts your dad and I can understand why...  Try to sit down and have a daughter-father talk and tell him how you envision your wedding and why it's special to get married elsewhere. If you can explain it in a calm manor, he'd probably appreciate it and hopefully be understanding.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-ceremoniestacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59df6a16-58a7-4281-9244-2425df1aa965Post:745ba1cf-e4c0-434b-9c07-5268cd307280">2 ceremonies...tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are getting married on a beach near where we live.  My father is the pastor of a church that is 2 hours from where we live.  His dream has always been to walk me down the isle of his church, but that's not what my FI and I want for our big day.  In an effort to compromise, Dad asked if we would be willing to have a second ceremony at the church the following week for his congregation and then have a small cake and punch reception in the courtyard so that he can live his dream and include his church members in our marriage. I personally don't care...if it makes him happy and my FI doesn't have a problem with it, I don't have a problem.  Mom, on the other hand, thinks it's tacky and that it looks like we're just milking it for more gifts.  What should I do?
Posted by mvance87[/QUOTE]

I'm with your mom on this one.  Dad's still going to do the ceremony at the beach, right?

thesuninherhead

I would find this highly bizarre. Having it mentioned at the church is one thing... having a whole redo a week later is just really, really odd, and I'm sure the church members would feel the same way if they were aware that you'd married a week earlier. 

emarston1

Ditto PPs.  I find it weird.  You get one wedding and don't really get a redo a week later. 

I understand your dad's notion of wanting to walk you down the aisle of his church but it's clearly not one of your priorities or you would be doing it already.  Maybe find a compromise that you dad would like - walking you down the "aisle" at the beach?

quotequeen

Would the congregation know you are already married?

banana468

If the congregation knows that it's a vow renewal and not a real wedding then it's OK, but I think it's rather bizarre.  It also seems really indulgent to your dad. And while I understand that it may be his dream to walk you down the aisle, a grown adult should come to terms with what he can and cannot have.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-ceremoniestacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59df6a16-58a7-4281-9244-2425df1aa965Post:5227753a-845d-4c87-a268-69d99066b29c">Re: 2 ceremonies...tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]If the congregation knows that it's a vow renewal and not a real wedding then it's OK, but I think it's rather bizarre.  It also seems really indulgent to your dad. And while I understand that it may be his dream to walk you down the aisle, a grown adult should come to terms with what he can and cannot have.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree with banana.

I really doubt that his congregation cares THAT much to see you get married, honestly.  Not to be rude, but just honest.  It does seem self-indulgent on your Dad's part.

melissamc2

Eh, if everyone involved is agreeable to it, what does it really matter?  I don't care if a couple says their vows a hundred times in a hundred different places.  It doesn't have much of an effect on my life, unless they want me to attend every single one and bring a gift.

If the people at the second one aren't going to be the SAME people as at the first -  I don't see it as an end of the world type situation.

Congratulations.

skippylouwho

In the grander scheme of things - what does it matter. If this makes your dad happy and you and FI don't mind, then do it.  I would have it announced a couple of times in the weeks leading up to it that it will be a vow renewal with punch & cake to follow and no gifts.  I would also place a brief invitation with that information in any church newsletters that go out that month and in the bulletin for probably the 2 sundays previous to the renewal.

Rev & Mrs X request the honor of your presence at the vow renewal of their daughter, Y to Z, son of  Mr & Mrs. ABC.  Y and Z were previously married on xxx at yyyy.  We hope you'll join us for the ceremony and a punch cake reception immediately following. No gifts please!

pag4989

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-ceremoniestacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59df6a16-58a7-4281-9244-2425df1aa965Post:d2ea990d-6c22-4ce8-a797-cbc78e589fa0">Re: 2 ceremonies...tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]To do a full 2nd ceremony with the dress, the aisle, and all that jazz, for no reason other than that you wanted to do the other one somewhere else is tacky.  Perhaps he could bring you forward during the regular Sunday service in your regular clothes and bless your marriage?
Posted by ThePinkSuperhero[/QUOTE]

I think this would be a great idea!

mvance87

Ok here's the answers to a few questions....

Dad does not want to tell them we got married already...which makes me feel uncomfortable.  I don't want them to think we're trying to pull a fast one if someone finds out...which let's face it...there will be photos of the beach wedding and Dad has pictures of our family all over his office...I find it very hard to believe he won't have ANY of my real wedding.

He will be both walking me down the aisle and performing the ceremony at my beach wedding.

I like the idea of calling it a vow renewal or a 'wedding blessing'...that way it doesn't seem as sneaky or selfish.  And that way, I wouldn't have to get all dressed up again!  Also...I was worried about how it would look if my FI's parents didn't want to come (they'll be at the real deal and aren't really church people), not to mention half of our wedding party will be back in their home states...several hundred miles away.

Anyway...thank you to all for your opinions and advice.  I definitely have  a lot to think about.  The only reason I struggle with this is because I feel bad about not getting married in the church...I feel like a bad daughter or a bad Christian or something...I know it's silly and it's my wedding and therefore my choice.

Thanks again, everyone!

banana468

Your father is a pastor and he wants to lie to the congregation??

Isn't that a rather awful message that he wants to send??

banana468

Seriously?

I come from a large Catholic family and so does DH.  FIL wasn't wanting to advertise that DH and I were living together as an engaged couple.

BUT, he knew we were adults and he wasn't going to lie about it either.

I still don't understand how lying to the congregation is remotely acceptable in his eyes at all.  And why would the congregation know you were living together anyway? 

mvance87

With all due respect...being from a strictly Catholic family and being a pastor's family aren't the same.  My father's reputation as a PROFESSIONAL is at stake if his family is seen as inappropriate.

Besides...since when did this forum become a 'bash my family forum' and stop being a helpful forum.  How would you feel if a complete stranger got on here and implied that your father was a bad person?  I realize some may not agree with his motives but that doesn't make it ok for you to be disrespectful.

synth18

Regardless of the motive, lying to your guests about a fake wedding is never a good idea.

mrscheetah

Maybe you could have like a second reception at the church for the congregation. Just something casual, like you said, cake and punch, and you could spread the word that gifts are not expected.

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-ceremoniestacky?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59df6a16-58a7-4281-9244-2425df1aa965Post:0f089378-8990-46b8-b287-f0a12bbd9d21">Re: 2 ceremonies...tacky?</a>:
[QUOTE]With all due respect...being from a strictly Catholic family and being a pastor's family aren't the same.  My father's reputation as a PROFESSIONAL is at stake if his family is seen as inappropriate. Besides...since when did this forum become a 'bash my family forum' and stop being a helpful forum.  How would you feel if a complete stranger got on here and implied that your father was a bad person?  I realize some may not agree with his motives but that doesn't make it ok for you to be disrespectful.
Posted by mvance87[/QUOTE]

I'm  not being disrespectful.  I'm stating that your father lying to people IS disrespectful to you and to his congregation.

fangsiting

This is the most ridiculous idea ever and it is absolutely wrong to lie to the church.  Also, what relevance does living with your FI have to the wedding do over?  Your dad has a history of lies to the church so it's OK to have a fake marriage ceremony?