Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?

MNVegas

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:d9772ce9-1288-4017-a798-332871f84b78">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : O wow, you're the first person I've heard of to actually do that! I admire it! Was anyone mad after? How did you deal? Thanks so much for sharing!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually we did tell our family we were going to get married in Vegas, so it was not a shock.  I thought my mother was going to flip out but she handled it very well and said she totally understood why we wanted to avoid all the stress and family drama. My drama was no where near yours, so my hat is off to you.</div><div>
</div><div>Come on over to the Vegas board and hang out a while. Ladies there can give you plenty of advice and support.  You could always tell your mom and others if they don't stop with their hissy fits you and your FI will elope to Vegas. Maybe they will stop being PITAs.  </div><div>
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NOLAbridealmost

I wouldn't even pay for one night in a hotel for guests I wasnt extremely close to. Cultural norm or not.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:3775f504-d2df-4804-bf05-f1038fa1d4ac">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : Actually we did tell our family we were going to get married in Vegas, so it was not a shock.  I thought my mother was going to flip out but she handled it very well and said she totally understood why we wanted to avoid all the stress and family drama. My drama was no where near yours, so my hat is off to you. Come on over to the Vegas board and hang out a while. Ladies there can give you plenty of advice and support.  You could always tell your mom and others if they don't stop with their hissy fits you and your FI will elope to Vegas. Maybe they will stop being PITAs.  
Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]

<div>Hmmm, I think I will stop by the vegas board and creep around a bit, thanks for the advice!</div><div>
</div><div>I'm glad your mom took it well!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:6e96ce57-1397-42b1-9138-0c7542ca9575">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't even pay for one night in a hotel for guests I wasnt extremely close to. Cultural norm or not.
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what FH kept saying, and i understand it fully since I was raised here, not there. </div><div>
</div><div>At a couple weddings I went to here, the bride and groom didn't even organize a discount at a hotel, and that wasn't an issues. We still found our way, and we knew it would be at our expense. We didn't expect anyone to pay for the transportation/accomodation costs of a wedding that we agree to go to.</div>

ElisabethJoanne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:ab9e304f-d69c-4470-97f2-208405b404a7">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : I just wrote down the first part of what you said on my notepad, I've actually been keeping track so I know what to say to try to bring some resolution to this situation. It could be that they don't understand how expensive it is here, or that they thing we have a couple money trees growing in our back yard. Either way, we will have to make it clear that things are (1) more expensive than in Romania (some super nice hotels there are around $30 for us) and (2) we have already come up with a budget and anything over 1 night is just not possible.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

I've already had to coach my future husband through some similar lines about similarly impossible cultural accommodations. [Ours were ceremony issues, which we had settled on before we got engaged and now my future in-laws want to change.] Basically, once people start throwing out "custom" and "tradition," you can make it mean whatever you want, especially if "the other side" isn't really up on the traditions you're advocating for. Fight tradition with tradition! "I respect your tradition in your culture/family/nation, but we have selected a contrary tradition from our/bride's/groom's/home country's culture, and doing both just won't work." How can they argue with that? You're following tradition, just not their tradition. Yes, they can argue that their tradition is "better," but they look really bad doing that.

dubird

What does your dad say in all this?  If it's his mostly his distant relatives, he should be involved as well, I would think.  Maybe your dad, FI and you can sit down and work out what to say to your mom to resolve this and keep bad feelings from festering. 

I totally symphatize with not wanting to upset your mom.  But some moms go crazy at the thought of their 'little girl' or 'little boy' finally getting married, and sometimes, you just have to wait it out. 

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:360dc12e-d081-4322-adc0-ef2514c9908f">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : I've already had to coach my future husband through some similar lines about similarly impossible cultural accommodations. [Ours were ceremony issues, which we had settled on before we got engaged and now my future in-laws want to change.] Basically, once people start throwing out "custom" and "tradition," you can make it mean whatever you want, especially if "the other side" isn't really up on the traditions you're advocating for. Fight tradition with tradition! "I respect your tradition in your culture/family/nation, but we have selected a contrary tradition from our/bride's/groom's/home country's culture, and doing both just won't work." How can they argue with that? You're following tradition, just not their tradition. Yes, they can argue that their tradition is "better," but they look really bad doing that.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

<div>Hmmm, that's true. I don't mind sticking to SOME traditions as long as Romanian ones stay in Romania, and Canadian ones stay here. I'm not gona have a more-Romanian-than-the-Romanians' wedding in Canada, and I think the way I was raised in this culture is important, too! GOod points!!!</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:44156c71-8282-4c88-8036-f933eed48fa8">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your dad say in all this?  If it's his mostly his distant relatives, he should be involved as well, I would think.  Maybe your dad, FI and you can sit down and work out what to say to your mom to resolve this and keep bad feelings from festering.  I totally symphatize with not wanting to upset your mom.  But some moms go crazy at the thought of their 'little girl' or 'little boy' finally getting married, and sometimes, you just have to wait it out. 
Posted by dubird[/QUOTE]

<div>My dad pretty much stays out of it. He's more budget-conscious, so I know for sure that he wouldn't spring to pay that much for hotels, but he is ok with them staying over at our homes. I think he doesn't fully realize how much stress that is, too.</div><div>
</div><div>Whenever my mom has a dinner party, prepping for that many people stresses her out so much that she's tired and pissy by the time the guests get here. Imagine doing that every day, multiple times a day, for 10-30 people. Uh oh.</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:f7e2e5c6-fc8c-4cd1-86ea-ffb42451f5d8">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, this is crazy. How are people even allowed to take off 3 weeks for a wedding? I would NOT accomodate them - at all. I think you doing one night is nice and all, but me personally, I would not take on that expense. Immediate family members? Absolutely. Randoms? No way in hell. And I would NEVER in a million years put what are essentially strangers in my home.
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

<div>These people are mostly retired, so they can "take off" YEARS if the govt allowed them to! And I agree, I dont want randoms in my home, either.</div><div>
</div><div>The last time I was nice and took in a friend's friend, he peed in my sink. And extinguished his cigarettes in my makeup drawer. Not cool.</div>

FluffyGumDrop

Long time lurker, first time poster here and I also was completely shocked while reading this. The entire time I just kept thinking, "Oh my cheetos, I haven't been this shocked since I read that thread about the future mother in law who made a comment regarding the fiancée tasting sweeter than the mother's milk", and then it hit me; you're the same girl. I just want to hug you so badly right now.

I understand you're dealing with cultural issues and upset family members which means anything we say, while however true, can only go so far since you are the one having to face these people but I really don't think you should let them come. You had to have a discussion with your fiancé about standing up to his mother at times and it really seems like this is your time to stand up to your mother/side of the family. You are not a bad daughter. Believe me, you are above and beyond in the daughter department I am sure and the fact that you are such a good, sweet person is what makes this so incredibly hard for you but what you need to do doesn't make you horrible at all. You did not plan to invite these people, you've already changed your budget regarding very important wedding day items to try and accommodate them which was definitely not necessary, but this is just going too far.

What about the rehearsal dinner? Not trying to bring up past dramas, and I apologize if I missed a post saying you've changed plans, but wasn't that venue already at capacity before these surprise people even entered the picture? By the "being closer for meals" comment I would imagine the odds of them accepting the fact that they can not attend the rehearsal dinner due to capacity issues will not go over well. Do not let them come; it is clear that no one can really afford this trip that they want to take by either you, your parents or them so someone has to say no. I understand you are hoping the government will handle it for you, but it sounds like you've pretty much accepted the possibility of random strangers being in your house for the weeks surrounding the wedding. Why add this stress? Why add the possibility for more fighting? I know you don't want to see your mother upset, but if you let this continue will it really be better for her or you?

The etiquette board always says to expect 100% attendance so are you really prepared for the reality of them coming? You said they eyeball you when you visit Romania to pay for dinner, what if they do that for every meal, excursion, day trip here? Will you give in to make your mother happy so no one looks bad then? I hope none of this came off as harsh because I'm just honestly pulling for you to make it through this wedding. You seem like a very sweet, kind person who is getting steam-rolled by everyone and you're a little scared to speak up. You are not a bad person if you decide to tell them they can not attend the Canadian wedding and reception.

I really hope all the drama ends for you and you can enjoy your engagement stress-free with a great wedding day.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:770a3886-83d1-4a98-a26a-79b6a9569dd8">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Long time lurker, first time poster here and I also was completely shocked while reading this. The entire time I just kept thinking, "Oh my cheetos, I haven't been this shocked since I read that thread about the future mother in law who made a comment regarding the fiancée tasting sweeter than the mother's milk", and then it hit me; you're the same girl. I just want to hug you so badly right now. I understand you're dealing with cultural issues and upset family members which means anything we say, while however true, can only go so far since you are the one having to face these people but I really don't think you should let them come. You had to have a discussion with your fiancé about standing up to his mother at times and it really seems like this is your time to stand up to your mother/side of the family. You are not a bad daughter. Believe me, you are above and beyond in the daughter department I am sure and the fact that you are such a good, sweet person is what makes this so incredibly hard for you but what you need to do doesn't make you horrible at all. You did not plan to invite these people, you've already changed your budget regarding very important wedding day items to try and accommodate them which was definitely not necessary, but this is just going too far. What about the rehearsal dinner? Not trying to bring up past dramas, and I apologize if I missed a post saying you've changed plans, but wasn't that venue already at capacity before these surprise people even entered the picture? By the "being closer for meals" comment I would imagine the odds of them accepting the fact that they can not attend the rehearsal dinner due to capacity issues will not go over well. Do not let them come; it is clear that no one can really afford this trip that they want to take by either you, your parents or them so someone has to say no. I understand you are hoping the government will handle it for you, but it sounds like you've pretty much accepted the possibility of random strangers being in your house for the weeks surrounding the wedding. Why add this stress? Why add the possibility for more fighting? I know you don't want to see your mother upset, but if you let this continue will it really be better for her or you? The etiquette board always says to expect 100% attendance so are you really prepared for the reality of them coming? You said they eyeball you when you visit Romania to pay for dinner, what if they do that for every meal, excursion, day trip here? Will you give in to make your mother happy so no one looks bad then? I hope none of this came off as harsh because I'm just honestly pulling for you to make it through this wedding. You seem like a very sweet, kind person who is getting steam-rolled by everyone and you're a little scared to speak up. You are not a bad person if you decide to tell them they can not attend the Canadian wedding and reception. I really hope all the drama ends for you and you can enjoy your engagement stress-free with a great wedding day.
Posted by FluffyGumDrop[/QUOTE
<div>
</div><div>Awww, FluffyGumDrop, you seem like a sweet person, too :)</div><div>
</div><div>None of what you said comes off as harsh, no worries.</div><div>
</div><div>We were at capacity with the Engagement Party, we haven't even gotten around to anything yet. We changed the venue for that one, though, so we're ok now. But that's in 3 weeks, and luckily no one from Romania is planning on coming here for that one.</div><div>
</div><div>IF we do have a rehearsal dinner, I'm sure that these people would expect to come, which would obviously be another expense... and I didn't even think of it. That's another thing I gotta mention to my mom.</div><div>
</div><div>I was thinking that I can propose this: we invite 10 people per family (so 10 for my parents, 10 from his) from Romania. Those 10 people will stay at the parents' homes, and that's that. That's all that will physically fit, even if they turn the house into some crazy tent-city. And that's all that we'll cover for the hotel night expenses. If anyone else wants to come, then the parents need to cover their share of the wedding expenses, and the guest is expected to cover his/her own trasport/hotel costs. I think that's a fair deal, and they all gotta stick to it or else this is gona be a nuthouse.</div><div>
</div><div>And you have a good memory, that was my fmil that said that. She's actually been decently nice for the last 2 weeks when I've talked to her on the phone. BUT I think the main difference is that (1) I haven't stayed on the phone long enough with her, and (2) I haven't told her any details about anything anymore. And, if I don't tell her stuff, FH doesn't tell her stuff (they don't really communicate), so she has less to be opinionated about. I think I stumbled on some sort of solution to that, at least for now! </div><div>
</div><div>Unfortunately my mom seems to have taken a drink from the nutty fountain lately. I think something weird is up with her though, she seems to cry at just about anything :S</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for your advice, and for the support! :)</div><div>
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FluffyGumDrop

Engagement party makes more sense now that I think about it rather than rehearsal dinner since you're still a year away from your wedding. I really don't know how you keep it together without going crazy but you seem to be rolling with everything that heads your way.

Hopefully your mom comes around and everything is smooth sailing from here on out.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:054d9d19-92cb-434f-95cd-36bbed37aca6">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Engagement party makes more sense now that I think about it rather than rehearsal dinner since you're still a year away from your wedding. I really don't know how you keep it together without going crazy but you seem to be rolling with everything that heads your way. Hopefully your mom comes around and everything is smooth sailing from here on out.
Posted by FluffyGumDrop[/QUOTE]

<div>Some days I keep it together better than others :) I hope she comes around too, she hasn't talked to me since then. I think I'll apologize if I hurt her feelings, because I am sorry for that, but there's not much else that I can apologize for.</div>

AMYM312

If these people can't afford to pay for one night in a hotel how did they plan to pay for the flight? This whole thing is stupid. These people are idiots. There is no reason for hem to invite themselves then expect you to pay.

Meghannsix

Honestly Andra, I don't know how your head hasn't exploded, every week it's new drama, I'm frustrated for you!

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:b4bb340a-0913-4085-bdff-e4bfe81fee83">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]If these people can't afford to pay for one night in a hotel how did they plan to pay for the flight? This whole thing is stupid. These people are idiots. There is no reason for hem to invite themselves then expect you to pay.
Posted by AMYM312[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly my thoughts and why I don't feel like being overly flexible about this! blah</div>

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:ca5d35f5-8d84-4677-be92-4fa7c357b8c2">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly Andra, I don't know how your head hasn't exploded, every week it's new drama, I'm frustrated for you!
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

<div>I think m to my head is THISCLOSE to exploding, my mom still hasn't talked me since the fight. </div><div>
</div><div>I wish that everyone who agreed could band up and riot outside the house, lol! Strength in numbers!!!</div>

leed0019

Honestly with how far out the wedding is I would personal tell them that the wedding here is immediate family and close friends only, and that you are having a reception in Romania to celebrate with your family there.  Let them know that the budget is really tight and you just cannot afford to host their stay, but you are excited to see them when you travel to Romania.

gmcr78

This is the most insane issue I've ever read about on TK that wasn't MUD.  I'm fuming at these uninvited, entitled guests and your parents who think this is perfectly ok.
If I was in your shoes I'd scratch the whole thing and elope.  Then I'd be pissing everybody off equally and not have to talk to them anymore.
Unreal.