How soon is too soon after?

gerncehmr

I have a question...my finacé's bother got engaged in January and as set the date for June 30, 2012.  We just got engaged, and at first were thinking we should wait until 2013 out of respect for his brother and financial reasons.  Well, now we're thinking that the money issue will work out, and because of my honey's immigration status we want to get married sooner.  Is July 28, 2012 too soon after his brother's wedding?

specialk84

That's not too soon.  One thing to keep in mind is whether the weddings will be held nearby.  If your guest list overlaps, you may have some people decline to attend one of the weddings.

However, your brother and his fiancee get one day, not an entire year.  You could even get married before them, if you wanted to.  

Meg1036

Not too close, especially if most of the guest list is not traveling for the weddings.  If there is substantial travel in the overlapped portions of the guest list, I might space it farther out as a courtesy to the guests.

Wiscisbliss

I think that a month is perfect.  It gives them time to go on a honeymoon and come back. 

Like PP said if guests have to travel for both (like plane trip, not a 2-6 hour car ride) you might get a few declines for one wedding or another. 

lyndausvi

I think it's fine.

That said, personally I would not have 2 sibling weddings that close.  My parents were pretty generous when it comes to weddings.  They would have appreciated a little time between the 2 to replenish the bank account.  My sister and brother got married 6 months apart.  I had sibling cousins get married 5-6 months apart also.  Is it necessary?  No, but I think it was appreciated.

gerncehmr

No one will be travelling - we want to get married in the town we are both from, and his brother is getting married a two hour drive from there.  The only guests that would have to travel significant amounts would not be attending both weddings anyways.  This is getting my hopes up!  I really didn't want to wait two years, so if I can just figure out the money I think we can make it happen.

In terms of finances, his family doesn't have the means to help with anything, alhtough they do plan to help make food and announcements.  In both cases I am guessing that the girl's parents will have to contribute the most. 

Brandiewine11

If that date works best, I think its ok. As PP said, if there is a lot of travel invovled for both weddings, then I would try to space it out at least 2-3 months if you want everyone to be able to go.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:d51986ba-6f03-4ac9-b369-06c83f73844d">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's fine. That said, personally I would not have 2 sibling weddings that close.  My parents were pretty generous when it comes to weddings.  They would have appreciated a little time between the 2 to replenish the bank account.  My sister and brother got married 6 months apart.  I had sibling cousins get married 5-6 months apart also.  Is it necessary?  No, but I think it was appreciated.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:8b1478c7-33c8-4cf2-bbc2-c39d39c42bb9">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]No one will be travelling - we want to get married in the town we are both from, and his brother is getting married a two hour drive from there.  The only guests that would have to travel significant amounts would not be attending both weddings anyways.  This is getting my hopes up!  I really didn't want to wait two years, so if I can just figure out the money I think we can make it happen. In terms of finances, his family doesn't have the means to help with anything, alhtough they do plan to help make food and announcements.  In both cases I am guessing that the girl's parents will <strong>have</strong> to contribute the most. 
Posted by gerncehmr[/QUOTE]

They don't <em>have</em> to contribute anything.  It's nice when parents offer to help, but don't expect it or ask for it.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:8b1478c7-33c8-4cf2-bbc2-c39d39c42bb9">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]No one will be travelling - we want to get married in the town we are both from, and his brother is getting married a two hour drive from there.  The only guests that would have to travel significant amounts would not be attending both weddings anyways.  This is getting my hopes up!  I really didn't want to wait two years, so if I can just figure out the money I think we can make it happen. In terms of finances, his family doesn't have the means to help with anything, alhtough they do plan to help make food and announcements.  In both cases I am guessing that the girl's parents will have to contribute the most. 
Posted by gerncehmr[/QUOTE]

Nobody but the bride and groom have to contribute anything.  So keep that in mind. 

hlq2011

Ditto adamar and stacks.  Don't plan your wedding for sooner than you originally anticipated because you're counting on funds from your parents.

gerncehmr

Yeah, I'm definitely not planning on my mom helping - to be honest she doesn't seem to excited.  But, I gues I was trying to say that if someone did offer their help in the form of money, it wouldn't be the grooms' family.  

Meg1036

You can plan your wedding whenever, and I'm glad you understand no one has to contribute.  If I were you, I would talk to FI's family before setting the date.  You don't have to, but it would be nice, and help you avoid ruffling feathers.

Also, remember that even if they are not paying for the wedding, FI's family will incur expenses related to it: often new clothes, perhaps gifts, etc.

Birdie1483

I know people choose long engagements for a variety of reasons, but as someone who is having a 15 month engagement I can tell you that the wait can sometimes be torture. My advice would be to not delay it more than you have to (or want to).

mica178

I think the time between the two weddings sounds fine, especially if you don't have overlapping OOT guestlists.  

tenofcups4me

I know I'm in the minority on this board, but I think 1 month is way too close unless there are major extenuating circumstances, which you don't have. Ideally I'd give it 6 months, but at the very least 3 months. And discuss this with your FILs (FBIL and parents) before you set a hard and fast date or you could find a lot of your new family pissed at both you and your FH.

Meg1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:9caa7231-9c22-44d6-8969-e56c591855e2">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How soon is too soon after? : This is good advice, but I personally hate doing things like this.  If there is something I want to do, I rarely 'run it by' other people first because A) I know everybody isn't going to agree with or like my plans/idea and B) If I want to do it I'm likely to do it regardless. THEN if someone disagrees with me & I don't reconsider my plans I look like a jackass. Example: I picked out BM dresses for the girls in my wedding.  I could have said something like "Hey girls, what do you think about these dresses?"  But I knew that I was about 90% sure I was going to choose them anyways so I'd just look inconsiderate if 2/3 of my bridesmaids didn't love the dress and I bought them regardless. 
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Understood, and I agree on most things  I have not asked for opinions about the wedding (or in my life) if I don't care.  It's just that I probably would care if my wedding were causing drama with my FILs, since I have to deal with them the rest of my life.  I would sort of give them the illusion of choice within dates that are acceptable for me. I wouldn't even present 2013 as an option if I didn't want it. 

For example, I would probaby go more with the approach "We don't want a long engagement.  We would also like to get married in 2012, and want to make sure we pick a date that is feasible, since you have a busy year.  We are thinking about (insert first choice date).  We are willing to go no later than (insert second choice date a little farther from FBIL's wedding).  Are there any problems with (first choice date) that could be avoided by choosing (second choice date) instead?"

I think of this as sort of akin to checking that your VIPs can be there before scheduling the wedding.  You certainly don't have to do it, but it's nice.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:56f9b29c-9034-4e63-b991-be58d942873e">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I'm in the minority on this board, but I think 1 month is way too close unless there are major extenuating circumstances, which you don't have. Ideally I'd give it 6 months, but at the very least 3 months. And discuss this with your FILs (FBIL and parents) before you set a hard and fast date or you could find a lot of your new family pissed at both you and your FH.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

Yes, but 6 months is a long time to wait just to space out weddings. By this reasoning, I'd never get married because people I know are getting married all the time. My FB feed is blowing up with relationship status updates as we speak.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:db2eb0ad-742a-4845-b445-1c8b18d70b66">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How soon is too soon after? : Yes, but 6 months is a long time to wait just to space out weddings. By this reasoning, I'd never get married because people I know are getting married all the time. My FB feed is blowing up with relationship status updates as we speak.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

It's not "people" getting married -- it's the groom's brother. I wouldn't remotely suggest giving that much time between friends' weddings. 

mica178

If there are immigration issues, I think most people would understand why you didn't want to wait an extra year.  Assuming that the groom's family is not funding both weddings, I do not see why having the weddings a month apart from each other is a big deal.

AbbeyS2011

I know of a family who has 7 kids and one brother and one sister got married at the same church a day apart - one on Friday night and one on Saturday night.  While that does not work for everyone, it worked out nicely for them, especially since many of the family had to travel for the wedding.

They have their day chosen, and you can have yours.  For whatever reason, your wedding day will not be convenient for everyone - that is how life works.  If you want to be wed the end of July, then go for it.  If you want to chose an earlier date in 2012, then that is fine too.  People will think whatever they want.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:db2eb0ad-742a-4845-b445-1c8b18d70b66">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How soon is too soon after? : Yes, but 6 months is a long time to wait just to space out weddings. By this reasoning, I'd never get married because people I know are getting married all the time. My FB feed is blowing up with relationship status updates as we speak.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Personally I think siblings are different than friends and even extended family.</div><div>
</div><div>While it's not always the case, parents and siblings have more of a role in the wedding than other people.   </div><div>
</div><div>I could have easily been in and/or attended 2 friends weddings a week apart.  It would have been harder for me with 2 siblings because (again in my family) I had more 'obligations' to tend to.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:4f42c1f7-d7ed-4d3e-aa5f-55e1b2934777">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How soon is too soon after? : Personally I think siblings are different than friends and even extended family. While it's not always the case, parents and siblings have more of a role in the wedding than other people.    I could have easily been in and/or attended 2 friends weddings a week apart.  It would have been harder for me with 2 siblings because (again in my family) I had more 'obligations' to tend to.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I agree, but when you get to being a month apart, I guess I fail to see how it's harder than 3-6 months.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_soon-soon-after?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5aad6637-0e43-4900-b6cd-6d8a60181a6aPost:13b3ebc8-f359-4568-8830-9588723ec58b">Re: How soon is too soon after?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How soon is too soon after? : I agree, but when you get to being a month apart, I guess I fail to see how it's harder than 3-6 months.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>As I said in my earlier reply my parents are generous at weddings.  The extra time helped replenish the bank account.  It might not be needed for some families, but it was appreciated in mine.</div>