Budget & Divorced Parents

amynperry

My parents are divorced but agree that they would like to pay for my wedding. My parents had a conversation about budget, came up with a number, and split it in half to determine their contribution. Here's the challenge one set of parents agreed to half, but can't really afford it. In fact they can only afford 20% of their half. They don't want the other set of parents to know that they have that financial restriction.

Now I am stuck in the middle. One set of parents with an expectation of what it should cost and working with to select a venue to meet that budget. The other set of parents knowing they can't and pressuring me to do something that fits their true budget instead of the agreed upon budget. I can't meet both sets of expectations.

What do I do?

Avion22

Can you afford to pay for the wedding yourself?

pesematology

How about each contributes whatever they are generous enough to offer without worrying about whether it's fully half of whatever made-up number your wedding is going to cost?

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:bfb4ac73-1350-4ba9-8502-4590d808085e">Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are divorced but agree that they would like to pay for my wedding. My parents had a conversation about budget, came up with a number, and split it in half to determine their contribution. Here's the challenge one set of parents agreed to half, but can't really afford it. In fact they can only afford 20% of their half. They don't want the other set of parents to know that they have that financial restriction. Now I am stuck in the middle. One set of parents with an expectation of what it should cost and working with to select a venue to meet that budget. The other set of parents knowing they can't and pressuring me to do something that fits their true budget instead of the agreed upon budget. I can't meet both sets of expectations. What do I do?
Posted by amynperry[/QUOTE]

Why don't you talk to each one and see what they are willing to chip in and just take it from there. Use what each one wants to pay for and add it to what you and FI are chipping in (you are paying for a portion, right? I sure as H hope so!) and there's your new budget. Either put the wedding out to save more or work with that number.

wrigleyville

You need to have an honest conversation with both parents. Take the 20% one parent can afford, multiply by two, and that's the wedding budget. If they can afford $3000, then the budget is $6000 (for example). Let the other parent know they're only responsible for $3000 now instead of the original amount.

You need to get this under control before you start signing contracts for venues and such.
Also, never count on funds until you have them in the bank. Either parent could pull out for whatever reason, and then you're really stuck with things you can't afford. Once those contracts are signed, it's hard to cancel them without a financial penalty.

I understand one parent doesn't want the other to know they don't have as much money as the other, but this isn't the time for them to lie and save face.

TiffanyT816

Why don't you just pay the difference? My parents are contributing a more than generous amount to my wedding. FI's parents (he has 2 sets as they're divorced) aren't contributing as much, but we appreciate what they are and wouldn't expect anything from them at all. We're paying for the rest.

brittany634

Why don't you an FI pay for the diff, considering it is your wedding and your parents are not RESPONSIBLE to pay anything.

Kate61487

I don't know that it's the "honorable" thing to cut your budget down.  If one set of parents wants to give 10k and the others can really only afford 2k even though they agreed to 10k I agree that you should have an open discussion, but that doesn't mean it's "dishonorable" to have a 12k budget, as long as the parents are okay with uneven amounts. 

They've put you in an awkward spot because normally I'd advise you not to talk to anyone about how much someone else is contributing, but they started the discussion together....  I might approach them separately; just tell the one set "we know this budget is outside your comfort zone.  Please just let us know how much you *do* want to contribute and we'll make it work" then go to the others and be upfront , but don't disclose more than you have to. something like "mom and stepdad have confided in us that the original budget you all came up with is going to be very difficult for them.  We don't want you to feel taken advantage of, so if you'd like to contribute less so you're keeping it 50/50 that's absolutlely fine, just let us know" and don't tell them exactly how much the other parents are giving unless they decide they want to keep it 50/50.

kmmssg

Some good suggestions going here.  Whatever you do, do NOT put yourself in the middle of your divorced parents in this.  Let your parent who can only afford 20% know how much you appreciate their help with the wedding.  Let them know you don't feel right about taking the 50% from the other parent and being put in the middle of keeping secrets, so you will only ask for 20% from the other parent.

This will mean you have to seriously reign in parents' expectations and guests list.  Do not put yourself in the middle.

Kate61487

Can I just add - not that I think they shouldn't contribute to their wedding, but there's no reason they can't modify the budget.  Perhaps they can't afford $8k any more than the one set of parents.  They don't HAVE to have a $20k budget (continuing with the made up numbers I used earlier).  The answer is not necessarily just to stick with the budget that the parents made up (it sounds like without any input from the bride and groom).

If their parents are contributing and they can plan the type of wedding they want on the money their parents are graciously offering why SHOULD they put in extra money of their own? 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:bfb4ac73-1350-4ba9-8502-4590d808085e">Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are divorced but agree that they would like to pay for my wedding. My parents had a conversation about budget, came up with a number, and split it in half to determine their contribution. Here's the challenge one set of parents agreed to half, but can't really afford it. In fact they can only afford 20% of their half. They don't want the other set of parents to know that they have that financial restriction. Now I am stuck in the middle. One set of parents with an expectation of what it should cost and working with to select a venue to meet that budget. The other set of parents knowing they can't and pressuring me to do something that fits their true budget instead of the agreed upon budget. I can't meet both sets of expectations. What do I do?
Posted by amynperry[/QUOTE]

Wait - what?  You told them how much they owe you?

No.  My parents offered to pay for our wedding, but we made decisions together within what they were comfortable paying.  I would have never dreaaaaamed of saying "Here's your bill!"

Plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford.  Yes, you two (who are getting married) offer up your own money.  If your parents ask if they can help you, pay for stuff, etc... graciously accept their money.  This way, people are contributing, but no one is put out.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:f517a332-1d99-4214-ae61-5d9e75363b1c">Re: Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Budget & Divorced Parents : Wait - what?  You told them how much they owe you?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I didn't get this impression at all.  It sounds like her parents, unprompted, volunteered that they'd like to pay and then discussed among themselves a budget and agreed - to each other- how much they'd pay. 

brittany634

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:f517a332-1d99-4214-ae61-5d9e75363b1c">Re: Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Budget & Divorced Parents : Wait - what?  You told them how much they owe you? No.  My parents offered to pay for our wedding, but we made decisions together within what they were comfortable paying.  I would have never dreaaaaamed of saying "Here's your bill!"<strong> Plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford.  Yes, you two (who are getting married) offer up your own money.  If your parents ask if they can help you, pay for stuff, etc... graciously accept their money.  This way, people are contributing, but no one is put out.
</strong>Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Completely Agree- They should put money towards it because it is in fact THEIR wedding.

s-aries8990

I figured the parents discussed it first and presented it to OP

 I think that OP needs to address each set and say "I truly appreciate whatever you give, regarless of what was originally agreed upon; if you feel as though you would like to help, don't go into debt, any amount is appreciated" Don't discuss what the other set is giving and if there is a questions answer it with a "It's btw us and them, these cookies are delicious, did you use a different extract in the frosting??"

If you have a dream wedding with a dream budget, you need to save your own money too!

Kate61487

@NYU - I wholeheartedly agree that she should be honest about it.  I just wanted to point out that it wouldn't be dishonorable to accept uneven amounts of money, as long as they knew.

@brittany - I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.  If my parents gave me $100 for a birthday gift and I found something I wanted for $120 I'd absolutely contribute the difference.  But if what I wanted was only $95 I wouldn't go searching for something pricier.  Parents contributing to a wedding budget is a gift, and if you can get what you want for the amount (or less than) they're offering I see no reason to go searching for something pricier just so you're also contributing to your wedding. 

mrskristinyc

My parents wanted to contribute, but had verrry different amounts they were able to give. We just put them in charge of certain parts that they wanted to help with - my mom offered to pay for my dress and for the BMs and I to go to the salon and get our hair and makeup done. My husband's parents offered to to the rehearsal dinner, and my dad offered a dollar amount that was most appropriate to go toward the reception. That way, my parents didn't really have to talk to each other, and each contributed an amount they were comfortable with. We covered the rest.

ginadog

They give whatever they feel they can give (they don't even have to know what each gives you honestly) and you work with that amount or you come up with the difference. 

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:f517a332-1d99-4214-ae61-5d9e75363b1c">Re: Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Budget & Divorced Parents : <strong> Wait - what?  You told them how much they owe you?</strong> No.  My parents offered to pay for our wedding, but we made decisions together within what they were comfortable paying.  I would have never dreaaaaamed of saying "Here's your bill!" Plan the wedding you and your fiance can afford.  Yes, you two (who are getting married) offer up your own money.  If your parents ask if they can help you, pay for stuff, etc... graciously accept their money.  This way, people are contributing, but no one is put out.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I also didn't get this impression.  OP - I would just accept what each of your parents are offering to pay, even if the amounts aren't equal.  How involved are each set of parents in the planning?  You mentioned looking at venues together?  I would just thank each set of parents for their contribution but leave the majority of the planning to you and your fiancee.  No one needs to know how much you're spending on venue/vendors etc, and you can plan a budget based on whatever contribution each set of parents are able to make, plus what you all are contributing.  There's really no need to share the actual values with everyone.

My parents are still together but they basically told us that they were willing to pay xx for our wedding (which was very generous of them and much appreciated) and they made it clear that if we went over xx it was on us to pay for.  We planned our budget accordingly.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:e52451c6-bb7b-4f5f-94ab-a5527395fc06">Re: Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the difficulty here is that the apparentally weathlier parent has decided that he or she will only pay as much as their former spouse will pay.  That's life.  It is not really the same as some of the other situations.   OP may have to go back to the to the wealthier parent and say, I only feel comfortable taking X dollars from parent 1, please let me know what you would like to contribute.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

OP should not be in the middle of conversations between parents about what each set can afford. And her going to the "wealthier" parent and saying what you suggest basically says, "I'm comfortable taking more money from you so feel free to give me more than Other Parent."

OP - Your parents need to have another candid discussion about budget. It's not easy - my divorced parents are cordial, but conversations about money never go well. They were able to work it out, though. If you want to stick with the original budget, you should make up the difference in funds. If you are not able to, then you need to reassess the budget and start looking at other options. FWIW, my father promised to pay half of our wedding at the beginning of planning (my parents - both sides - insisted that DH and I not pay a dime towards the wedding), but ultimately wound up contributing only about 25%. We tried to scale back in other areas to accomodate the change in initial budget, but my mom insisted on sticking to what we'd originally planned and she covered the difference. I'm forever grateful to both sets of parents for their generosity.

arendiva

I don't think OP should tell the wealthier parent that the less wealthy parent can't afford half. That can only cause embarassment for the less wealthy parent an I don't see what that achieves. i would either paln my wedding with my new 70% budget or I would throw in the other 30% myself. Weathier parent doesn't need to know either way.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:6ef0314d-adc0-461a-885f-50b64531f20c">Re: Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]You need to have an honest conversation with both parents. Take the 20% one parent can afford, multiply by two, and that's the wedding budget. If they can afford $3000, then the budget is $6000 (for example). Let the other parent know they're only responsible for $3000 now instead of the original amount.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

Uh, disagree. If one parent thinks the wedding will cost $20k and is gung-ho about providing $10k, but thinks the other parent, who can only afford $2k, will be paying that too, well, the first parent doesn't have the decrease the budget. They just have to understand that they wedding might now be $12k-$15k or whatever, depending on what the couple can also chip in.

Dreamergirl8812

As a child of divorce, I have spoken with my 2 sets of parents very separately. My mom, who can't help very much, if at all, will be very pleased that my dad and step mom will be paying for almost the entire wedding. My mom and I are close and I can't imagine it occuring to her to feel bad that he's paying more than her. I think she'll be excited to know that I'm getting my dream wedding thanks to my dad.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_budget-divorced-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5bd96328-534b-4d59-a357-995b14590b64Post:bfb4ac73-1350-4ba9-8502-4590d808085e">Budget & Divorced Parents</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are divorced but agree that they would like to pay for my wedding. My parents had a conversation about budget, came up with a number, and split it in half to determine their contribution. Here's the challenge one set of parents agreed to half, but can't really afford it. In fact they can only afford 20% of their half. They don't want the other set of parents to know that they have that financial restriction. Now I am stuck in the middle. One set of parents with an expectation of what it should cost and working with to select a venue to meet that budget. The other set of parents knowing they can't and pressuring me to do something that fits their true budget instead of the agreed upon budget. I can't meet both sets of expectations. What do I do?
Posted by amynperry[/QUOTE]